To be angry and upset to receive Christmas Cards?

[Evanted76]

My 24yr old son brutally took his life just before Xmas three years ago.

As you can imagine, we have all (me, DH and DS2) been a mess. We have all been diagnosed with PTSD and major depression. Both me and DS2 have been receiving trauma bereavement counselling.

We are now at a place where the pain is softening and I have a mixture of good and bad days. However, as you can imagine, Christmas, is hard. Very hard. We have the double whammy of it being Xmas plus the awful anniversary of our eldest son's suicide.

Despite this, my in laws (he has two sets of parents as his Mum and Dad divorced and remarried years ago) insist on sending us, and my own parents (who are still very much affected by their grandson's shocking death) Xmas cards! Even the first year, we received a card from them telling us to Have a Wonderful Xmas and Happy New Year! At the time, our living room was still filled with sympathy cards!! and enough flowers to make a florist jealous!

I've just been binning any cards that have been pushed through by neighbours and acquaintances who don't know what happened to us (we moved not long after he died) but I've just angrily binned another card from my father in law and step mother in law. I've told DH to have a word with his family as it hurts. He said he didnt want to as he doesnt want to upset them and told me just to throw them away. Surely they should understand its inappropriate? AIBU?

That's different as you are careful with your choice

YANBU. They are being insensitive and DH should tell them to stop. OP, I am so sorry for your devastating loss.

I'm really sorry but losing a parent is not the sane as losing a child.

I chose my Parents Christmas/Birthday cards very carefully for a long time after my Brother died.

So I did send them something but it was more of a Thank You For Being Wonderful Parents, Love You.

That's very unfair, it's still a terrible bereavement and it has only been 8 weeks.

Oh OP, how very painful. I am sorry.

Your feelings are not unreasonable, how could they be, it is how you feel about Christmas and all that goes with it.

But your ILs may well be trying to be kind and supportive, and may be afraid of ‘leaving you out’ at Christmas. It is OK to gently let them know that you are not able to appreciate anything Christmassy. The words that a Pp suggested, that you struggle, sounded useful to me.

So sorry for your loss but if you’ve never directly told them how you feel, they won’t know it’s offending you. You just need to be direct and let them know.

I know you’ve asked on AIBU but no one can understand what you went through. We could say YABU but if it upsets you who are we to say otherwise. Speak to the family, they would probably be mortified to know it upsets you.

I really don't think you are being unreasonable at all! What a terrible time for you! And to think that your relatives/friends send such inappropriate cards is really awful!
Perhaps they just don't think but really!!!

I am aware. I'm talking about the cards she received after his death.

I was going to say YABU but then you wrote this A week after our son died, father in law posted a photo of his Xmas tree on Facebook and wrote "It's the most wonderful time of the year" underneath it. That is absolutely horrendous and no wonder you are upset about the Christmas cards now too. This is about more than the cards.

So sorry for the loss of your son, it must be a very hard time of year.

When my mum died my mil sent a card saying something like 'bet it feels a relief'. I was furious, but I'm one of those people that never says anything. She must have felt guilty as she sent another one few weeks later with a more appropriate message. Some people just don't think OP. They just don't have the 'think about how other people might feel' switch, switched on.💐

Well I simply cannot imagine your pain.i know some people who just do not want cards. I am one of them but that is because I think it a waste as I have little room for them.
I think you could maybe have a word with those that send you cards and say how upsetting it is and that it is a waste as you never put the cards up

Shame your husband will not have a word himself. It will be All on you but at least you let them know.

I think you are not being unreasonable to be upset, but they are not being unreasonable to send them. Everyone reacts differently to a bereavement and some people might prefer to be remembered with a card even if the printed sentiment wasn't in accord with their feelings. I'm sorry for your loss

YANBU to feel the way you do about the cards. Most likely they are sent with kind intentions and yes it's the done thing, but your feelings are completely understandable.

DH doesn't want to say anything because he doesn't want to upset them, yet doesn't mind seeing you upset about it. That doesn't seem right and makes me think there are more layers to this.

If he is not willing to say anything, I think it's fine to tell them yourself.

Sorry for your awful loss but YABVU here and you need to tell them you don’t want to receive cards anymore. If they were to continue after you have a had that conversation then of course YANBU and they are but you need to tell them.

I think YABU but i dont think its U for you to reach out to them and ask them to stop sending cards as you find it too much at such a difficult time of year. If they continued then id say YANBU but they will currently be sending the cards with the best of intentions

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. To not word the card in a sensitive way is hurtful and the implication that you’re going to have a fun, jolly time is disregarding the intensity of your loss.

I’m so very sorry for your family.

YANBU at all. They sound incredibly insensitive.

Your DH should talk to them about it and tell them to stop. Maybe it's something to address in therapy? They sound like difficult people, I imagine your husband is wanting to keep the peace and not have to deal with any more of their awfulness.

You're not BU.You are coping with a pain most of us can barely imagine, and if anyone in your life is inadvertently adding to that in any way at all, the very least they can do is stop. Please tell them they are hurting you. They don't need to understand your feelings (they couldn't if they tried) they just need to respect them.

I'd text them a message and just say " My parents , DH and I prefer not to receive cards at Christmas as its just too painful. Almost everyone we know has honoured this wish, please do the same."

I mean this gently (typing that first seems to be a free pass to being totally disingenuous) but they are a bunch of arseholes, thick at best, genuinely nasty at worst. Who in their right mind who do this? Bollocks are they sent from a place of love. YANBU, but I'll leave it there. Gently.

Christmas will always be a difficult time for you, Evanted, and it must be a terrible thing to cope with. However people will still send cards. They don't mean to be insensitive; were the cards really all of the 'have a wonderful Christmas', variety? There are simple cards which don't say that, more of the 'season's greetings' variety.

People are thinking of you and wishing you well; not putting up your Christmas cards won't bring your dear son back. What would he want you to do? I'm sure putting cards in the bin and being angry would not be his choice.

I received cards, and sent them, the Christmas following my husband's death. Life does go on, hard though it is. You don't say (or I haven't seen), if you have other children. I just have one, aged 43.

Take care. x

I think YANBU, especially the first year.

after the first year, I would expect a neutral card maybe, not one with a happy message on it.

But really, this is beyond insensitive and your DH should talk to them.

YANBU, but they are not mind readers. You talk to your parents and let DH talk to his. If they continue to send them, then it's a problem, but for now they probably don't realise the effect it has on you all.

I am so sorry.

I don't think YABU at all. I think your inlaws are being incredibly insensitive.
I remember thinking exactly as you do when I got sent jolly, snowy cards when people knew that a jolly Christmas was simply not possible for me.
I'm so sorry for your loss and hope you manage to get through the Christmas period.