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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry and upset to receive Christmas Cards?

304 replies

Evanted76 · 14/12/2022 16:28

My 24yr old son brutally took his life just before Xmas three years ago.

As you can imagine, we have all (me, DH and DS2) been a mess. We have all been diagnosed with PTSD and major depression. Both me and DS2 have been receiving trauma bereavement counselling.

We are now at a place where the pain is softening and I have a mixture of good and bad days. However, as you can imagine, Christmas, is hard. Very hard. We have the double whammy of it being Xmas plus the awful anniversary of our eldest son's suicide.

Despite this, my in laws (he has two sets of parents as his Mum and Dad divorced and remarried years ago) insist on sending us, and my own parents (who are still very much affected by their grandson's shocking death) Xmas cards! Even the first year, we received a card from them telling us to Have a Wonderful Xmas and Happy New Year! At the time, our living room was still filled with sympathy cards!! and enough flowers to make a florist jealous!

I've just been binning any cards that have been pushed through by neighbours and acquaintances who don't know what happened to us (we moved not long after he died) but I've just angrily binned another card from my father in law and step mother in law. I've told DH to have a word with his family as it hurts. He said he didnt want to as he doesnt want to upset them and told me just to throw them away. Surely they should understand its inappropriate? AIBU?

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 14/12/2022 16:48

Yanbu. It sounds like your judgement on this is affected by your loss. That's normal. At some point you may be ready to celebrate Xmas and appreciate the cards, you aren't there yet so bin them.

My aunt lost one of her boys to suicide 3 days before mothers day. She couldn't bare to celebrate mothers day again as that time of year bought all her feelings of pain and loss to the forefront. She died a few years later and her eldest son felt she had left them much earlier.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your dh should tell them or if they ask you if you've received the cards I would answer yes but it hurts to look at them so they aren't on display.

TodayIsFridayHooray · 14/12/2022 16:48

racingcar · 14/12/2022 16:39

Perhaps the DH (who has also lost his DS) actually benefits from receiving the cards and feels better? He matters too in all this.

Show quote history

I was thinking the same thing racingcar

Original poster
Evanted76 · 14/12/2022 16:49

iklboo · 14/12/2022 16:42

Very gently as well, OP, as I've lost family to taking their own lives. You are being a wee bit unreasonable. But I'm sending a card to my auntie who lost her son saying 'thinking of you with love'.

If they sent something like that, that they were thinking of us etc, then I would have no issue at all. It's the fact the cards are filled with the usual seasons greetings jolly stuff. No mention or reference to losing our son at all.

A week after our son died, father in law posted a photo of his Xmas tree on Facebook and wrote "It's the most wonderful time of the year" underneath it.

OP posts:
SerenaTee · 14/12/2022 16:49

I’m genuinely surprised to be in the minority of posters who doesn’t think the OP is being unreasonable. Grief is a deeply personal journey and if the cards are causing the OP distress, why shouldn’t she ask that they’re not sent? Why does the sender’s desire to send a card override the OP’s feelings? If I had a relative who told me something I did was exacerbating their grief, I’d want to know so I could stop doing it.

RudsyFarmer · 14/12/2022 16:50

I’m going to guess there’s much more too this otherwise I think you’d view this differently. Have they shown themself to be inconsiderate in other ways since the death of your son?

ProcrastinatingUntilNextYear · 14/12/2022 16:50

Hairybaker · 14/12/2022 16:32

I think (if it were me) sending cards is not necessarily the issue as it’s “the done thing” at Christmas and they probably just want you to know they are thinking of you.

I would however expect people to be more sensitive with the message inside (both the printed message and the handwritten message) and to keep it low-key/simple rather than “have an amazing Christmas” type message.

I completely agree with this post.

I am so sorry for everything you have been through.

Shimmyoo · 14/12/2022 16:51

OP some things about grief just stick and never go away, this is awful for you but you can only manage your own environment. They ought to listen and not do it again next year but in the meantime just in case they do you could set up a redirect with the post office for a few weeks.

Just give yourself a bit of space to manage a difficult time of year, have your post saved up for a couple of weeks and then go and collect it on a day you put aside to deal with it on your own terms.

Find ways of rerouting the upsets that sneak up on you.

I am sorry this is such a hard time of year for you and so many missing loved ones.

MagicMatilda · 14/12/2022 16:52

I see your point, YANBU. I’m so so sorry for your loss and not many people will understand the complexity. I do think your DH should have a word.

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 14/12/2022 16:54

Hairybaker · 14/12/2022 16:32

I think (if it were me) sending cards is not necessarily the issue as it’s “the done thing” at Christmas and they probably just want you to know they are thinking of you.

I would however expect people to be more sensitive with the message inside (both the printed message and the handwritten message) and to keep it low-key/simple rather than “have an amazing Christmas” type message.

I agree with this. People may be wanting you to know you're not forgotten and they're thinking of you but the message should be sensitive to your trauma and the card chosen appropriately.

mrsed1987 · 14/12/2022 16:54

I lost my mum 8 weeks ago, my close friends have sent card, most of them saying things like i will be thinking over you over Xmas or i hope you have the best Xmas you can.

I think it's thoughtful but equally wouldn't be offended if they just sent one saying merry Xmas

Sorry for your loss x

racingcar · 14/12/2022 16:56

SerenaTee · 14/12/2022 16:49

I’m genuinely surprised to be in the minority of posters who doesn’t think the OP is being unreasonable. Grief is a deeply personal journey and if the cards are causing the OP distress, why shouldn’t she ask that they’re not sent? Why does the sender’s desire to send a card override the OP’s feelings? If I had a relative who told me something I did was exacerbating their grief, I’d want to know so I could stop doing it.

As above, because her DH has lost a DS too and his feelings matter every bit as much as OP's. They're both going through hell - it's not fair of PP to think OP can just demand DH do exactly what she wants as if he's an irrelevant, inanimate object. There needs to be a compromise of some kind and if OP has stopped almost all cards but the DH would like to continue the ones from his own parents (that he's even permitting OP to bin) then he should be given some consideration too.

QuestionableMouse · 14/12/2022 16:56

If they were posted, they were probably sent before your son took his life and there's no way of stopping them unfortunately.

I sent a friend a cheery Christmas card last year. Her mum died the next day but there was nothing I could do, and it arrived at the same time as the sympathy card.

DirectionToPerfection · 14/12/2022 16:57

Evanted76 · 14/12/2022 16:49

If they sent something like that, that they were thinking of us etc, then I would have no issue at all. It's the fact the cards are filled with the usual seasons greetings jolly stuff. No mention or reference to losing our son at all.

A week after our son died, father in law posted a photo of his Xmas tree on Facebook and wrote "It's the most wonderful time of the year" underneath it.

Show quote history

I think it would be a little unusual to reference a deceased family member in a Christmas card, I don't think anyone should be judged for that. It would be best if they could write something sensitive though.

It's absolutely understandable that you feel the way you do about the cards, but honestly people just won't realise it's upsetting you unless they're told.

I've found most people aren't great at communicating with bereaved people in general. Not knowing what to say, avoiding you because they feel uncomfortable, or just forgetting and acting like everything is normal once some time has passed. Some people just don't have a clue until they experience it.

DuchessDandelion · 14/12/2022 16:57

You are definitely not bring unreasonable, I'm so sorry op.

Your grief certainly outweighs any prickly feelings from the inlaws at being corrected by your DH.Flowers

SleekMamma · 14/12/2022 16:58

OP keep binning the cards you receive. Some people just have no clue as to the pain you are in.

TheOrigRights · 14/12/2022 16:58

I am so sorry for your loss OP.

You feelings are valid.

However, another person could well come here saying "people are avoiding sending us Xmas cards, it would have been nice to have this normal sign of life"

I don't send many cards but did prioritise sending one to those who have been bereaved this year (one a child).
I was careful to choose a card that didn't wish them a Merry Christmas, and I did write a personal message to say I was sending them love on this first Christmas w/o their loved one.
I will worry now that they will think me thoughtless.

RenoDakota · 14/12/2022 16:59

QuestionableMouse · 14/12/2022 16:56

If they were posted, they were probably sent before your son took his life and there's no way of stopping them unfortunately.

I sent a friend a cheery Christmas card last year. Her mum died the next day but there was nothing I could do, and it arrived at the same time as the sympathy card.

OP's son died three years ago.

panko · 14/12/2022 16:59

racingcar · 14/12/2022 16:39

Perhaps the DH (who has also lost his DS) actually benefits from receiving the cards and feels better? He matters too in all this.

Show quote history

He said he didnt want to as he doesnt want to upset them and told me just to throw them away. then he wouldn't be saying they could be thrown away

Lcb123 · 14/12/2022 17:00

I'm sorry for your loss - but I do think the cards are coming from a good place. Perhaps they need to be more mindful of what is written. If it continues to really upset you, then your DH must clearly communicate that to his family.

Delatron · 14/12/2022 17:00

I don’t think YABU at all. If they really want to send a card a thoughtful ‘thinking of you at this time’ would go down better I expect.

If your DH won’t have a word then I would. ’We’d prefer not to receive ‘Have a merry Christmas’ type cards at a time that is incredibly difficult for us. Thanks’

I’m sorry for your loss.

Grief doesn’t have a time limit and people should be more thoughtful. Especially close family.

racingcar · 14/12/2022 17:00

panko · 14/12/2022 16:59

He said he didnt want to as he doesnt want to upset them and told me just to throw them away. then he wouldn't be saying they could be thrown away

Show quote history

Why not? It doesn't sound as though he's particularly allowed to have his own opinion on this.

Hollyhead · 14/12/2022 17:01

Another gentle message to not assume the sentiment. I agree some of them sounds completely insensitive but not about those. One of our close friends died by suicide (albeit not close to Christmas) every year I send his family a tastefully chosen peaceful card to say that we will always be thinking of them at Christmas and remembering our friend at Christmas (particularly relevant as the friend loved Christmas.

Frostysnowlady · 14/12/2022 17:01

Although they are not sending an explicit thinking of you card it may be their way of letting you know that you are in their thoughts. If you would feel better if they never send you a Xmas card again and it upsets you so much maybe communicate this to them. If they continue to send the Xmas card after that then that's a different matter. Perhaps they are unsure whether or not you want to be reminded of the tragic loss of your dc so keep it simple and seasonal. I think they are just trying to be nice and don't mean any harm by it.

Ponderingwindow · 14/12/2022 17:02

Another person in your position might be hurt that friends and family are not including them in standard Christmas rituals like cards.

One thing people often mention around difficult deaths is that people pull away or treat the situation as somehow shameful. Continuing to include you in the regular routine is unlikely meant to be insensitive. They likely want to show you that no matter what tragedy has befallen the family, you are still surrounded by love.

CocoLux · 14/12/2022 17:02

Yes, gently YABU. People worry a lot about doing the wrong thing and they may be worried about not contacting you or failing to acknowledge Christmas. It must be very hard indeed for you but people are generally trying their best. Most don't set out to hurt or offend even if that's what does happen.