To be angry and upset to receive Christmas Cards?

[Evanted76]

My 24yr old son brutally took his life just before Xmas three years ago.

As you can imagine, we have all (me, DH and DS2) been a mess. We have all been diagnosed with PTSD and major depression. Both me and DS2 have been receiving trauma bereavement counselling.

We are now at a place where the pain is softening and I have a mixture of good and bad days. However, as you can imagine, Christmas, is hard. Very hard. We have the double whammy of it being Xmas plus the awful anniversary of our eldest son's suicide.

Despite this, my in laws (he has two sets of parents as his Mum and Dad divorced and remarried years ago) insist on sending us, and my own parents (who are still very much affected by their grandson's shocking death) Xmas cards! Even the first year, we received a card from them telling us to Have a Wonderful Xmas and Happy New Year! At the time, our living room was still filled with sympathy cards!! and enough flowers to make a florist jealous!

I've just been binning any cards that have been pushed through by neighbours and acquaintances who don't know what happened to us (we moved not long after he died) but I've just angrily binned another card from my father in law and step mother in law. I've told DH to have a word with his family as it hurts. He said he didnt want to as he doesnt want to upset them and told me just to throw them away. Surely they should understand its inappropriate? AIBU?

To the posters who are saying YABU should start thinking more when they are dishing out their Christmas cards out to every single person they've ever met.

@zingally fuck off with your 'kindly as possible' YABU. Read all the OP's posts at least and then try and do some thinking and feeling.

All the ‘gently’ and ‘as kindly as possible’
people need to do one.

If you’re going to be completely insensitive and lacking an ounce of empathy then at least own it. There’s nothing gentle or kind about your posts.

You should be ashamed of yourself you do not understand ‘how awful it is’ unless your child committed suicide at Christmas??

How dare you suggest the OP is channeling her anger in the wrong direction.

Honestly OP - I’m so sorry on your behalf.
I hope some of the more thoughtful replies have given you comfort.

I’m furious on your behalf for the rest.

I disagree. You don't understand. You cant. Unless your child flung himself in front of a freight train just before Xmas three years ago, don't tell me you understand.

Have you actually read my post? Barely anything you have written relates to my story/issue! We are not talking about "people" here...we're talking about my husband's parents! Who have also lost a grandchild!

And...staying angry at Xmas sounds unnecessarily painful and difficult?? Seriously?? Did you honestly type that??

I reported the post OP and thankfully it’s been deleted. Staggering insensitivity doesn’t even come close.

@delatron thank you

Firstly I am so sorry for your loss.its truly terrible for you . However I feel you would be upset if no one sent any.i mean as kindly as I can .its just a tradition no one means anything by it . Just bin them if you want to. My friends neighbour lost their son like this too.sending hugs 🫂 to youxx

You are not helping.

OP has said many times she doesn't want Chridtmax cards so no she wouldn't be upset if she didn't get any.

Why don't people read the whole thread.

Seriously? FFS

This is ridiculous now.

You don’t mean it kindly.

If you wanted to be kind you would send condolences to the OP and move on. So what if it’s a “tradition?” It’s fucking insensitive and tone deaf.

Just disgusting.

I sometimes think people send as many Christmas cards as they can so they get loads back. Which is sad.

Very off topic but I'm still pissed off with how insensitive people are being to the OP.

“I mean this kindly” and “gently” are signals of the very opposite judging by some of the posts here which then go on to minimise and/or invalidate OP’s feelings and experiences. @Evanted76 I have found Mumsnet a wonderful support in the past but I think AIBU can be horrible; outright cruel. There is nothing unreasonable about grief.

I posted in bereavement on MN a few years ago under another user name and had some really lovely and wise responses from Mumsnetters who really understood from their own experience. Your OP made me cry, not something I do very often and I am so sorry for what you have been through and are going through. I don’t know what can be done about people’s insensitivity and inappropriate behaviour around a loss as huge as yours (and indeed any bereavement). I do think it’s entirely appropriate to ask for your in-laws to stop. If it’s too much for your DH I wonder if someone else can have a word with them (a friend, another family member - sorry if I’ve missed this already being discussed).

I’m so sorry you’ve had some upsetting responses here. 💐

Hopefully the kind and thoughtful posts have helped.

All the ‘gently’ and ‘as kindly as possible’
people need to do one

Yeh, makes mee cringe every time.

Thank you.

I actually found the bereavement section of Mumsnet a lifesaver in the early days. At the time I was posting under a different user name. I was nominated and also received a gorgeous merino blanket knitted by the wooly hugs team of Mumsnet. Its absolutely beautiful and huge too! I'm actually wrapped up in it now as I type...

@Evanted76 I’m glad you found another corner of Mumsnet helpful at one point. I love the woolly hugs blanket and I didn’t really understand the Woolley hugs bit of MN until now (I’d never looked at it) but that is great thing to have and to know those people were knitting away with you and your precious son in their minds - it’s beautiful. Sending you love.

Sorry for your loss. YANBU. I lost a baby who was due on Christmas Day and I haven’t really celebrated it since. This year is the first time that we will have guests, over 10 years later. Sending you strength and love.

The blanket is beautiful OP and restores my faith in humanity (and certain sections of Mumsnet). I’ve been thinking of you lots today (and had to come off this thread as I was getting so angry). I’ve shed a few tears for you today. Your posts really moved me.

Sending you love.

I actually think we need some kind of public campaign on how to behave/not to behave when someone is bereaved.

How, though? There isn't any single way that bereaved people want to be treated; and for every person who does not want to be sent Xmas cards, there will be another person who would be upset not to get them and would interpret it the same way as people avoiding them in the street or supermarket ("It's hurtful, why am I being treated as though I were contaminated because of a death? Don't people know it would be nice to get something to make me think they were remembering me at Xmas?")

The only "rule" I can think of that works in every case is, just listen to what the bereaved person asks you to do and try to respond. Which is why the OP's husband need to go and talk to his relatives. Not angrily, just "We've found that Xmas cards just make things harder and bring up too many sad memories. It's lovely to people to send them, but we're asking everyone to please take us off the Xmas card list." Never assume that people should "know." They don't, honestly.

Some years ago a close friend of mine lost her husband on Christmas Day.

We had always exchanged Xmas cards, but it felt wrong after that.

So, as I just didn't want to ignore her, I've sent a little "thinking of you"card instead of a Xmas card, she sends me a normal Xmas card, and it seems to work ok.

Christmas is difficult if you've lost someone around that time, and jolly cards can make it worse.

Condolences to you, OP.💐

That's a beautiful blanket, and a lovely thing. Sending you warm wishes, OP.

Perhaps therapy isn't quite there for you yet? Maybe it's not the Christmas cards you're angry about but you are still struggling with the injustice of your loss. As gently as possible people don't just stop sending Christmas cards at Christmas because of a tragic event. Angry at the world, yes. Angry at the unfairness, yes. Angry at not being able to do more, yes. Angry at people sending Christmas cards probably not.