To be angry and upset to receive Christmas Cards?

[Evanted76]

My 24yr old son brutally took his life just before Xmas three years ago.

As you can imagine, we have all (me, DH and DS2) been a mess. We have all been diagnosed with PTSD and major depression. Both me and DS2 have been receiving trauma bereavement counselling.

We are now at a place where the pain is softening and I have a mixture of good and bad days. However, as you can imagine, Christmas, is hard. Very hard. We have the double whammy of it being Xmas plus the awful anniversary of our eldest son's suicide.

Despite this, my in laws (he has two sets of parents as his Mum and Dad divorced and remarried years ago) insist on sending us, and my own parents (who are still very much affected by their grandson's shocking death) Xmas cards! Even the first year, we received a card from them telling us to Have a Wonderful Xmas and Happy New Year! At the time, our living room was still filled with sympathy cards!! and enough flowers to make a florist jealous!

I've just been binning any cards that have been pushed through by neighbours and acquaintances who don't know what happened to us (we moved not long after he died) but I've just angrily binned another card from my father in law and step mother in law. I've told DH to have a word with his family as it hurts. He said he didnt want to as he doesnt want to upset them and told me just to throw them away. Surely they should understand its inappropriate? AIBU?

This is a lovely post. So sorry for the loss of your sister. 💐

I am really sorry for your loss, I understand a little of what you are going through - I have lost 2 people very close to me to suicide and it is a horrible thing to work through and come to terms with.

A week after our son died, father in law posted a photo of his Xmas tree on Facebook and wrote "It's the most wonderful time of the year" underneath it.

I would have been enraged at anyone who did this (who was close to your son). The disregard is chilling when you are bereaved so soon after that horrible loss. I get that some people don't know what to do or what to say but this would have made me feel very angry and very alone. Do the Christmas cards bring this back? Because it would for me. * *

My heart goes out to you all, I don’t think you are being unreasonable I can certainly understand why you wouldn’t welcome them, I wouldn’t either! But I think the people are sending cards to let you know they are thinking of you, I think the ppl need to be told that you don’t want them

The cards are being sent with love and kindness, so it's a very gentle YABU but I do understand how it would hurt you. I'm so sorry for your loss.

No words...

So sorry for your loss.

Whatever time of year you lose loved ones (especially your child) is awful but because of the expectations around Christmas and everyone else's apparent joy it is exceptionally hard.

Yanbu it is insenitive, no matter the intention. However I think if the issue of Christmas cards wasn't mentioned the first year or second it is inevitable they keep coming unless you or dh ask for them to stop

I am sorry for your loss. I wouldn't send a Christmas card but probably a thinking of you at this time. I hope the days are kind to you at this unimaginable painful time of year.

People generally mean well, I think but you're not unreasonable to think the grandparents seem a bit heartless.

But they're not goin to know unless someone tells them - and I think the best time would be next year, round about November. Your DH could simply say "Evanted76 is still not up to receiving Xmas cards, please would you not send one. I'll let you know if/when she feels up to it." Or he could include himself in the equation, which would be the best option.

YANBU, OP. This does need to be communicated to them.

Your post has brought back feelings around the loss of my partner (dad of DS and DD) seven years ago.

His sisters attended the funeral, and the night before, posted a selfie of themselves with champagne with a caption about 'living it up in London'.

I cut them off not long afterwards, tbh.

Anyway, I am making this about me, and this is about you. Grief has no time limit. If the cards are upsetting you, please feel free to tell people. There is no right or wrong way to feel. You have been through so much already.

I am so sorry for the loss of your son.

OP, the people who are saying you are being unreasonable have clearly never lost a child, or at least not lost a child in the brutal way you have at Christmas time. (Anyone who thinks that is ok, it isn’t, and please don’t ever do this to a bereaved family). I am shocked at you having received standard Christmas cards from family, and especially so the first Christmas it happened. A classic case of not reading the room. There are alternatives that they could send if they really bothered to look, eg ‘thinking of you at Christmas Time’, a blank card expressing how they feel, a handwritten letter, or even a little gift that would commemorate your boy. Anything except ‘have an amazing Christmas!’ which is so inappropriate I cannot believe any reasonable person would send it!

Mumsnet can be brutal and you will probably not find much understanding here.

I know this time of year is always going to be a very challenging time for your family.
I send you gentle wishes xx

My dad died 23 December last year. He was supposed to be coming home from hospital after his hip operation but I got a call to say he'd taken a turn for the worse. He'd gone before I got there. I honestly wish people would think OP before scribbling the same trope 'greetings' to everyone or choose plain cards with no printed words inside.

What your FIL did posting that photo was horrifically crass & insensitive. I'm so sorry.

Ignoring you would be equally uncaring. See these cards as 'I am thinking of you', rather than 'Have a Happy time over Christmas'. YABU
So sorry about the loss of your son.

I'm sorry for your family's loss.

It must be confusing for them to not find suitably sad Christmas cards to send.
They are perhaps of the age where loss is just politely and gently moved on from.

I hope you can access some support to help you.

I think you need to tell them to stop regardless of who is sending it.

I think it’s weird your close relatives sending you such cards where more appropriate would be a winter scene and “thinking of you this December and wishing you all the best for 2023” is more appropriate. Acquaintances who don’t know about your son will be mortified they are causing you upset so I’d just mention it in the new year to ask them not to send further ones.

But you, and I don’t want to come across as nasty, but you also need to consider how your feelings towards Xmas are affecting others. My mothers reaction to Christmas after my dad died has utterly ruined Christmas for me until she died - so I’ve experienced 32years of shit christmases and new year and walking on eggshells for 7 weeks each winter. It’s exhausting and has clouded my memories of her. I’m 42.

YANBU to feel upset by the cards, but YABU to feel angry at the senders.

Everyone responds to grief differently and so not everyone in a similar situation would be upset by Christmas cards, indeed many would be comforted by them. And I say this as someone who had a very similar situation (albeit around 6 weeks before Christmas, so not necessarily in the Christmas period itself, but by Christmas that year we were still in the first shocks of grief). But even in the first year, we were still comforted by the Christmas cards we received. As a PP mentioned, we saw them as "look at all these people who care" rather than "these people are expecting us to get over it and force ourselves to be happy"). So people can't necessarily be expected to guess how you feel, as it's not a universal.

That said, given that the purpose of Christmas cards is to spread the love and show they care, and they give you the opposite effect, it would be perfectly reasonable of you to ask them kindly to please stop.

They are just insensitive people - they are not hearing you and they won’t.
You won’t change them.
Im so sorry for loss of your son. I really hope the therapy is helping. 🌺🌺

They probably think it's helping to send those cards. It's probably also part of their way of coping. They can't know that it's upsetting you unless you tell them

@Evanted76 I've had so many traumatic Christmases and traumatic events closely linked to Christmas, the death of both my brother and my best friend a few years apart. I totally sympathise, and the events that affected me were 30 years ago. YANBU.

There's not much you can or should do about those who don't know your background but your in-laws could and should be much more sensitive. I think your DP really should have a quiet word. If they are good and decent people they would be totally understanding.

I'm sorry your son died, and in such difficult circumstances. I think people deal with grief and Christmas differently. Some will want to carry on as normal and others will not. I think its ok to tell people you don't want Christmas cards, particularly parents and in-laws.

My circumstances are different but I lost my twin girls 3 days after Christmas. All the decorations were up and we were in the midst of family celebrations and then there was the ridiculous happy new year comments and it was just awful. But the next year we had several Christmas cards from friends acknowledging how hard it would be for us, and messages saying 'Thinking of xx and xx this Christmas'. I found it comforting that people remembered.

But if you'd prefer no cards, or anything else, then please do tell your family. Its ok to try and protect yourself.

YANBU OP. I don't understand how other PPs can say ".....gently YABU." Such a loss and still raw (yes it is still raw 3 years later, grief and loss has no time limit). 3 years may seem like a long time to some people but when a tragic death happens, it's like it can still seem like it happened yesterday to some.

I do agree with other PP's comments though - I think the people who sent them do want you to know that they are thinking of you, but a "Merry Christmas" card is a bit thoughtless. A simple "Thinking of you at this difficult time of year" plus a personal message would be more thoughtful.

This.

Of course, YANBU, this is utterly thoughtless. I can only assume that those posting that YABU have never suffered a suicide or even “just” lost a close family member at Christmas.

I am so sorry for your loss.

My sister’s husband unexpectedly died, alone in hospital, on Christmas Eve during lockdown.

I still send her cards and sometimes flowers for significant events, including Christmas. I thought hard what to do but I wanted her to know that I cared and was thinking of her. I know that she is unlikely to ever have a ‘happy’ Christmas again.

I choose my cards and words very carefully.

I realise that your situation is different as no one really expects to outlive their child.

You have made me question if I am doing the right thing, and I am going to have a Frank chat with my sister, as I would hate to be causing her upset.

Best wishes OP

I think if I had a friend in this situation I would want to send them a card without a greeting eg just a robin photo or similar, saying "thinking of you at Christmas." I agree that sending cards saying have a wonderful time is insensitive though, but many are doing it almost on automatic pilot, or wouldn't want you to think they are not thinking of you. I can see why you don't want to receive cards but can also see why people would send you one.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

With kindness, I think people are just wanting to let you know they're thinking of you, but I can understand that they could be more careful with the messaging.

I sent a card this year to someone going through a difficult time, and very carefully thought about what I should write. I decided on 'with lots of love at Christmas' rather than 'have a great time' or whatever which would have been inappropriate.

If you feel better binning them then continue to do that, but don't let it anger you x