To be angry and upset to receive Christmas Cards?

[Evanted76]

My 24yr old son brutally took his life just before Xmas three years ago.

As you can imagine, we have all (me, DH and DS2) been a mess. We have all been diagnosed with PTSD and major depression. Both me and DS2 have been receiving trauma bereavement counselling.

We are now at a place where the pain is softening and I have a mixture of good and bad days. However, as you can imagine, Christmas, is hard. Very hard. We have the double whammy of it being Xmas plus the awful anniversary of our eldest son's suicide.

Despite this, my in laws (he has two sets of parents as his Mum and Dad divorced and remarried years ago) insist on sending us, and my own parents (who are still very much affected by their grandson's shocking death) Xmas cards! Even the first year, we received a card from them telling us to Have a Wonderful Xmas and Happy New Year! At the time, our living room was still filled with sympathy cards!! and enough flowers to make a florist jealous!

I've just been binning any cards that have been pushed through by neighbours and acquaintances who don't know what happened to us (we moved not long after he died) but I've just angrily binned another card from my father in law and step mother in law. I've told DH to have a word with his family as it hurts. He said he didnt want to as he doesnt want to upset them and told me just to throw them away. Surely they should understand its inappropriate? AIBU?

People often don't read the actual words on cards they send.

Whatever they say on them, the cards are about showing love - friendship - connection. Not sending them would seem like cutting you off from those things - just when everyone most wants to be there for you.

However -I can perfectly understand why you find them hard to look at.

Your husband's family will also be grieving.
Sending cards don' t mean that they have forgotten or that they aren't suffering too. They are just dealing with it differently - perhaps compartmentalising.

Unless someone tells them how you feel - they aren't going to understand the effect of sending cards to you.

I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how traumatic that was for you all as a family.

I agree with the above poster to a certain extent. I think the first card in the first year was inappropriate and insensitive and some people just lack empathy and tbh are just so switched off that they don't see any issue.

However I agree with above poster in the sense that, my dad died in July but my Mum likes a Christmas card. No way would I buy a 'have a lovely Xmas and happy new year' card for her this year. I am planning on buying a card but will be very sensitive to what is written on it and what I write in it.

I know it's frustrating and upsetting when people lack empathy and aren't sensitive to such tragic events that you have experienced but try to frame this differently. Frame this as, they lack empathy and don't understand how yous feel and it's likely it's their insensitivity that drives them to post the card rather than them purposely trying to hurt you.

YANBU to dislike cards and to feel negatively about Christmas in general. They are tackless and insensitive but they probably mean well. Just tell them.

I'm sorry for your loss but I do think YABU. My DH died a couple of weeks prior to my birthday (we are young and it was very unexpected), I buried him the day before my birthday). I still celebrate my birthday although it's painful and I like that people still wish me a happy birthday, firstly it's the thought they are thinking about me and secondly, I want to have a happy day since it's surrounded by so much pain.

That is so crass and insensitive, I don't know where to begin!

Perhaps you could tell everyone who sends cards (or to whom you send cards - don't know if you still do?) that you will no longer be sending cards, and instead will be making a donation in lieu to charity - and you would appreciate it if they could do the same?

My heart goes out to you xx

YANBU - even if it were becoming a bit more acceptable to send a Xmas card as the years pass it is now just a reminder of the incredibly crass post your FIL made at the time, and how insensitive the wishes for a wonderful Christmas were.
Perhaps they would be upset to hear that you don't want their cards, but they would also be mortified if they knew how upset and angry they were making you when they arrive. Presumably they're just awkward and clumsy in what they say and do, not actually callous and uncaring, in which case a steer as to what would be better might be welcome, even if the conversation is uncomfortable.
In the same way DH doesn't want to upset them by telling them to stop the cards, they probably think they don't want to upset you by referring to your son, or your grief (of course this is wrong - you are upset because it happened, not because anyone mentions it).
I am very sorry you lost your son.

I'm sorry for your loss op. I'm really shocked that close family sent you cards that first Christmas, that seems quite insensitive to me but maybe they were unsure of what to do. I would have thought sending cards a few years on would be ok, but I would include a more a more appropriate message which acknowledges your families loss ''sending our warmest wishes at this difficult time of year' or something like that. However, the thing that matters is how hard this is for you and I don't think it would be unreasonable of you to send a message asking relatives not send cards if it is really upsetting you.

Could you not just leave DH to open/bin any cards? Or is this just the tip of the iceberg with them?

The alternative to people sending cards is not sending them, and if I were the giver I'd be worried that by not sending one it would be like I wasn't thinking of you

That's what I was thinking. Sorry if that's wrong, and sorry for your loss.

I can't believe how many people think you are being unreasonable!! You are not being unreasonable at all!! How insensitive in the first year!!!! And posting about his xmas tree. Honestly it must hurt like hell for you! If they sent a card to not leave you out and iy said something like 'here for you as always at this even more painful time of year' I could understand but the ignorance of have a wonderful christmas etc god that would make my blood boil and its from the in laws sorry but why do most husbands parents never think!

So sorry and I hope the people not agreeing with you don't make you feel any worse. You can feel how you bloody want to feel about the cards it's about you not the in laws

I understand your loss. It's not one many understand.

My brother committed suicide at 24 when I was 18. He did it on the early jan so just after Christmas. I remember thinking selfishly, I am so glad he didn't do on Christmas as it would have forever ruined it for us. Apparently he did try before Christmas and never succeeded then.

Christmas is a stark reminder of all things families and is a very stark reminder that yours will never be the same again.

Time stops for us and everyone else seems to be moving on normally like nothing has happened. How can they live their normal lives when ours has been rocked to the core.

We too spent years in a frozen state. Eventually we started to thaw out as the years went on.

Suicide is one those topics that no one knows what to say to you on. Suicide leaves you with more questions than answers.

We all ended up with ptsd afterwards. My mum is having a bad patch currently and is having therapy again. You never get over losing your child. No parent should bury their child.

Bu in the midst of that, when these people don't know what to do, they just try to do what they've always done. They've sent cards because they want you to know they are thinking of you kindly. Not to poke you where it Huts as a stark reminder of your horrific loss.

Those cards represent to you what you've lost and how Christmas will never be the same again without your son.

It's true it won't but as the years gone by and I am now in my 30s, they are different but i can enjoy Christmas again. You will too one day even if it feels impossible right now.

Remember they will never know how it feels to be a survior of someone's suicide. Let us be glad they do not. A part of us died that day with them and we buried it with them.

You have my full heart felt sympathy. If you need to talk to someone who understands My inbox is open.

Again I am truly sorry for your loss.

@Evanted76 I am so very very sorry for your son's tragic end. The pain for you and your family must've been utterly unimaginable. Forgive me as I stumble to offer my thoughts.
I tend to think people may not know what to say 3 years on but want to keep you in their wishes for Christmas. It's difficult because we tend to wonder how people don't know what we need or want. Try, if you can, to take comfort knowing people want to wish you well and are not implying all is well.
Again, I am so very, very sorry. I hope that in time you will have happier memories at this time of year before the sad ones. The pain will lessen, but the loss will be forever.

How very sad and traumatic for you and your family.
I think, it's one of those circumstances where it's so awful and sad and life changing for you- that whatever anyone else does, would still be upsetting and 'wrong,' I don't think you're really angry at being sent cards, you're bereaved and angry at your son dying.- which obviously is completely normal, expected and natural. Unfortunately nobody else can take the pain away and they're trying to be kind and thoughtful by sending cards. I agree, that they ought to be being extremely sensitive with the type of card/message inside.

I cannot begin to imagine the pain of your loss, but I think the gesture is kindly meant, people want you to know they are still thinking about you all.

YABU

When you are experiencing this level of grief its hard for people to do and say the right thing. I say this as someone who has experienced a lot of anger during the grief process.

Try and let go of this particular issue for now if you can (the cards i mean). People are probably wanting to let you know they are thinking of you. If you can't bear it then feel free to bin. Maybe send a message next year explaining that you find it hard receiving cards and not to send them. If I were your friend I'd appreciate that heads up.

Sorry for your awful and painful loss OP.

This.

Agreed. I also struggle with Christmas for personal reasons that all my friends know about. I wouldn't get cross if they sent me Christmas cards. It's something that society does and you can't change that. If they upset you so much, throw them in the bin.
I am also incredibly sorry for your loss though.

I'm gobsmacked that a few days after their grandson died that they sent you "Happy Christmas!" cards and posted on Facebook that it was the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

It's unbelievable.

I lost 3 sons during Easter weekend 5 years ago, YANBU I do not celebrate Easter either and would be upset if I received a card.

I'm so sorry op.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, especially given that the tragedy happened just before Christmas and these relatives know this.

I don't understand in the slightest - if people are thinking and caring about you, and not themselves - how they can bring themselves to send a card with such stock messages about hoping you have a wonderful time. It's completely inappropriate and deeply insensitive in my view.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

You're not being unreasonable and there will be no "gentle YABU" from me.
Some people are just insensitive and wedded to meaningless traditions without thinking of how they come across.
I am so sorry about your son.

YANBU. I can't understand why some pps can't see the crassness and insensitivity of this.
I remember this after the suicide of my DS. I thought it was mind boggling to send me cards with Merry Christmas! and a few months after that Have a Wonderful Birthday! etc. My mother's side of the family bought blank cards in which they'd written things like "we'll be thinking of you this Christmas ". I now do the same for people who've been bereaved

Sorry OP, but you’re being very unreasonable.

No one is intentionally offending you.

They posted " Most Wonderful Time of the Year! " a few days after their grandson died!!

Ffs.