To be angry and upset to receive Christmas Cards?

[Evanted76]

My 24yr old son brutally took his life just before Xmas three years ago.

As you can imagine, we have all (me, DH and DS2) been a mess. We have all been diagnosed with PTSD and major depression. Both me and DS2 have been receiving trauma bereavement counselling.

We are now at a place where the pain is softening and I have a mixture of good and bad days. However, as you can imagine, Christmas, is hard. Very hard. We have the double whammy of it being Xmas plus the awful anniversary of our eldest son's suicide.

Despite this, my in laws (he has two sets of parents as his Mum and Dad divorced and remarried years ago) insist on sending us, and my own parents (who are still very much affected by their grandson's shocking death) Xmas cards! Even the first year, we received a card from them telling us to Have a Wonderful Xmas and Happy New Year! At the time, our living room was still filled with sympathy cards!! and enough flowers to make a florist jealous!

I've just been binning any cards that have been pushed through by neighbours and acquaintances who don't know what happened to us (we moved not long after he died) but I've just angrily binned another card from my father in law and step mother in law. I've told DH to have a word with his family as it hurts. He said he didnt want to as he doesnt want to upset them and told me just to throw them away. Surely they should understand its inappropriate? AIBU?

It isn't just the OP though, she has a husband and another child who might want the cards, who might feel that being remembered is a good thing.

I do think it can be hard, my GM lost a young child (a baby really) at Christmas and never celebrated Christmas again. It was very hard on the rest of the family but whose needs come first?

I agree with this. I don't think you can really reasonably expect them to assume that sending the cards would be perceived as hurtful to you, any more so than not sending them could be.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask them to stop but I do think it is unreasonable to be angry at them or think they are being objectively insensitive.

Wow I can’t understand why your DH just doesn’t speak with them. It’s not that big a deal to ask them to stop surely? Why would this upset them? Surely it’s more understandable that you would be upset by receiving them 🤷‍♀️

it’s amazing to me how people just can’t be honest with their own parents and this seems a minor thing for him to ask them to stop but would be hugely significant to you.

I can only start to imagine your pain in these early years despite my own loss of my son some years ago. It's a pain that is indescribable, there are literally no adequate words.
I only received one jolly card the first year which went in the bin immediately. I asked that no one sent cards and obviously didn't send them either for the first few years. Everyone else respected this
So YA bloody well NBU ( and that isn't said 'gently')

People are not wrong to send them but the sentiment should fit the situation. However DH should be telling them you can't handle them and THEN they're unreasonable

It isn’t a competition.

@Evanted76 I am so sorry for your loss, and YANBU

My DH died suddenly earlier this year and I’m ruthlessly binning any card that doesn’t say something like ‘ thinking of you all this Christmas’
Some people are just thoughtless, yet some people so thoughtful.

Let your dh open them. I think yabu to stop his family sending them If he doesn't want it to happen then he'll tell them.

From personal experience, some people deal with loss and grief with all the finesse of an army tank. I had a Get Well Soon card when my son was stillborn. Quite what I was supposed to get well from, I still don't understand.....

I'd just have a bin by the front door to lob them in. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

YABU. The card shows they’re thinking of you & wishing you well. You could be just as offended if they didn’t send you a card, so they probably feel they can’t win.

This.
I’m so sorry for your loss and the lasting effects it has had on you and your son.

I have sent Christmas cards to bereaved friends but made them very traditional and ‘thinking of you’ cards, not jolly holly type. Anniversaries are so hard and I don’t think those on the outside of the loss realise how difficult they are.

In your instance I would probably send a gentle low key “ thinking of you at Christmas “ card. I’m second guessing myself now as would hate to upset anyone by this.

YABU

As hard as it will be for you, life has to go on. A Christmas card is just a way of someone letting you know that they are thinking of you at Christmas. Some people in your situation may find that a comfort.

I genuinely don’t get a Dh who knows it upsets you but won’t simply say ‘Cards are triggering/upsetting, please can you not send any?’ for risk of upsetting his parents!

YABU to think it is inappropriate. You've suffered a great loss and yes- I wouldn't send you a card the year it happened but you can't expect people to assume you are boycotting Christmas forever. What about your other son?

I am so sorry for you, you must have unending pain that others find hard to understand. They should, but don't. FWIW my DH died earlier this year, I've received a couple of cards today addressed to him. I had clearly forgotten to tell the senders. They were friends of his and I hardly knew them. I understand that you just want Xmas to cease to exist and that is totally OK. Whatever you want is fine, the pain is yours and no one can tell you how to behave. Can anyone else just gently tell people that you are still too traumatised to celebrate, that you don't want cards, presents or any fuss at this time of year? Please look after yourself, I'm sending you a virtual hug and lots of love.

I don't think it's the sending of the cards that's the problem but the insensitive wording - and obviously that only applies to people who know your circumstances.
Those very close to you should be more aware of the significance of the time of year. Others, I'm afraid, may not even remember the time of year that your DS died.

A few years ago, we buried our 22 year old DD 4 days before Christmas. Not in the same tragic circumstances as your loss, but nevertheless unexpected. We get Christmas cards from everyone but no-one puts gushing wording in them, they just have the standard greetings. Whilst the trauma and memory is still very real and raw to you, the reality is that it has faded for others around you.

I'm truly sorry for the circumstances that you find yourselves in and hope that you can negotiate a solution around the cards which suits all parties. Your ILS may be dealing with the loss of their Grandchild by 'getting on with life' so they can push the tragedy to the back of their minds. That doesn't mean they've forgotten him.

Sorry, I apologise for being insensitive.

The pain I saw in my Mum at my Brothers funeral will never leave me. He was young and died in an accident.

After any close bereavement I don't think sending Have A Merry Christmas is the brightest thing to do.

My friend lost a child some years ago, not this close to Christmas, but close enough. On their cards I put after the family names, 'never forgetting XXXX'.
I don't know what else to do. It's very difficult to ignore Christmas, and not to acknowledge that the child is still part of the family.

YANBU

Next year in November tell your in laws very clearly that you don’t want to receive any more Christmas cards. I agree that your DH is wrong for preferring to upset you over his parents.

youre neither wrong nor right unless theres some backstory about them being not good with you

when my mum died around xmas i felt the same was still getting cards i thought wtf why would you do that

but its just peoples way of doing things not perosnal to have a go at you

Grief can make you angry. I went through this myself when I lost my brother. I had never felt so alone. So I understand OP and I am deeply sorry for your devastating loss.

Having watched my parents go through loss of my 18 year old sister near Christmas too, 40 years ago now, I can say Year 1 & 2 the cards were muted winter-scapes with low key messages but year 3, yes, the cards were back to normal but we probably weren't.

I was 15 at the time and I started getting quite fixated on making Christmas perfect , buying expensive gifts for everyone. Looking back I can see i was trying desperately to fill a void and to compensate for the loss everyone was feeling. Hopeless though that attempt was, of course.

So what I am trying to say is maybe their inappropriate wishes might actually be an expression of grief - they lost a grandson who they loved too. Their wishes for you - clumsily expressed maybe - are sincere. So maybe think about just relaxing into the love they are trying offer and forgive them? They didn't cause your pain, after all.

I am so sorry for what you have been through.If they have not been told, I dont think you can expect they will understand unfortunately.As it upsets you so much think your DH needs to speak to them - unless he finds it comforting. If he cant, why dont you? Just tell them you still find it hard to get cards at this time of year, and would prefer they not send them until you let them know differently.

YANBU. People who know should have the decency and emotional intelligence to send appropriate and sensitive cards.

I’m really sorry for your loss