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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say something about dc's present

171 replies

Frostysnowlady · 14/12/2022 11:14

So common theme here but my dc is born a few days before xmas.

We visited family this week doing the pre Xmas visits and present exchange. Some close family have given both my dc a Xmas present but no extra bday present or card, another gave both dc a Xmas present and a seperate birthday card but no seperate bday present.

Appreciate bday is next week but post strikes etc surely you would give both at same time??

I feel upset for my dc I know they are only 1 but it's setting a precedent isn't it.

AIBU unreasonable to say something? How would you word it.

OP posts:
TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 14/12/2022 11:17

It’s an expensive time of year and there’s a cost of living crisis.

Maybe they just couldn’t stretch to two presents?

Original poster
Frostysnowlady · 14/12/2022 11:18

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon maybe they should say that. I think if their bday was in June and they just didn't send a card or present it would be pretty rubbish. Its not the cost but the gesture

OP posts:
MolesOnPoles · 14/12/2022 11:18

DD has a Christmas birthday, so I totally get it.

Honestly, it wouldn’t worry me. A one year old won’t care, and you probably don’t need more stuff (if you do, and there’s something specific you’d like to ask for, that’s different).

Id mention to family that when they’re bigger you want to make sure they’re not overlooked, but for now, it’s in no one’s interest to make a problem out of nothing. You will (justifiably) look petty and a bit grabby.

DD will be three at the end of this month, and I honestly can’t remember who gave what sort of presents for her first and second birthdays. She certainly doesn’t care.

She does understand now, but there’s still a limit to how many presents she wants or needs over a couple of days, so for most family I’ve suggested that their birthday present is a day out/ membership/ whatever, so she’s not overwhelmed by stuff.

Greensleevevssnotnose · 14/12/2022 11:22

My brother's bday is Jan 2nd and the never got presents as a child I always thought that was mean. My friend has 25 Dec birthday and until he had kids the day was his until 2pm then Christmas began, he has no birthday now

Musthavebeenbadinapastlife · 14/12/2022 11:24

Do they buy other DC a birthday present?
Maybe they are happy to buy Christmas gifts but don’t want to buy your DC b.day gifts?

AnnaTortoiseshell · 14/12/2022 11:24

I think for a one year old, especially a second child, I’d be glad not to have even more stuff in the house! Does your DC really need anything more?

I do understand not wanting them to feel that they are missing out, but they are too small to feel that way at the moment. I think if things didn’t change when they got a little older I would not ask for an extra present for DC2 but I would ask them not to buy a birthday present for DC1 since they don’t buy for DC2.

Floralnomad · 14/12/2022 11:26

It’s likely because the child is 1 and won’t really know the difference , as they get older if it doesn’t change then that’s the time to deal with it .

Merrow · 14/12/2022 11:26

My niece has a birthday close to Christmas and DSIS said from the start that she was worried she'd hate her birthday growing up and would prefer we made an effort for separate presents even though there's the appeal of getting a more expensive joint one. Seemed very reasonable to me, and I think was good to phrase it about Dan's feelings.

Now that it has happened I wouldn't say anything, but I agree it should be addressed probably before 3 (when DS just had the concept of birthday presents), and definitely before 4.

Original poster
Frostysnowlady · 14/12/2022 11:27

Yes dc 1 born mid year and has always had both Xmas and bday presents from all our family.

I agree from a material side it's not that aspect but growing up I dont want his birthday to not exist so to speak so I just think maybe i should have a conversation about it now rather then further down the line when it might be more awkward

OP posts:
summergone · 14/12/2022 11:29

I'm imagining they are thinking they are buying for the sake of it tbh with a 1 year old who won't even know .

underneaththeash · 14/12/2022 11:30

Frostysnowlady · 14/12/2022 11:27

Yes dc 1 born mid year and has always had both Xmas and bday presents from all our family.

I agree from a material side it's not that aspect but growing up I dont want his birthday to not exist so to speak so I just think maybe i should have a conversation about it now rather then further down the line when it might be more awkward

Maybe they just spent more on a joint one.

KitchiHuritAngeni · 14/12/2022 11:33

Ywbvu to say anything, people have been generous enough to buy gifts for your children during this COL crisis, your 1yo won't know any different, so complaining that they haven't been generous enough would be a bit of a kick in the teeth for them.

Original poster
Frostysnowlady · 14/12/2022 11:35

@KitchiHuritAngeni we always make an effort for bday and Xmas for their small children. Do you think we should stop buying their dc a card and present on their birthday too

OP posts:
Spanisheomellletttes · 14/12/2022 11:36

My birthday is close to Christmas and it was common for me to get leftover everything from Christmas. The wrapping paper, the presents, which were often regifted unwanted christmas presents. It still happens (last year, I got a Christmas mug for my birthday). My parents couldn't be bothered about my birthday after Christmas, either.

So, OP, you have a few choices. Accept that people will continue like this regardless of how you feel, and go out of your way to make it a special day for your child. Or move the the birthday to a different part of the year, which I have heard works well for some people. Telling your family members that it is important to you could work, but this would probably be need to be repeated every year, and people forget and get lazy.

TeenDivided · 14/12/2022 11:39

I'd say nothing this year, then next year just after DC1's birthday say something like:
Thank you so much for DC1's present .... This has made me think about how we wish to handle DC2's birthday what with it being so close to Christmas. We would very much appreciate it if family would mark DC2's birthday separate from Christmas, so a separate present wrapped in birthday paper, and not combine into just one.
Alternatively, if people don't want to do bday presents for DC2 that is fine, and we should stop for DC1 too.

or Celebrate DC2's birthday on the half year in the summer instead?

houseofboy · 14/12/2022 11:40

I get it, I had a January birthday and got a lot of 'joint Christmas/birthday' presents my DB didn't and always found it unfair. I know a family who do half birthdays so that the children celebrate in the summer more rather than there actual birthday means it a different time of year and in terms of gifts spreads it out and can be useful as they get things they need. Just a thought.

onlyonedayaweek · 14/12/2022 11:41

You have my sympathy - guess who also has a birthday close to Christmas. It's worth saying that actually my family were very good, I always got separate presents unless there was something special and expensive that I wanted, in which case it was a joint present, but that was always discussed in advance. To be fair, I can't remember what happened for my first birthday (!) but the birthdays I can remember I definitely got separate presents.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 14/12/2022 11:41

I have two December children. Honestly, start celebrating their “half” birthday in the summer every year rather than in December! You’ll find party’s can be hit and miss when the time comes to those too.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/12/2022 11:41

I was going to say Yanbu until I read the age of the child.

They are only one so won’t care. I wouldn’t say anything this year but if it’s still happening when they’re perhaps three I would mention it.

Mytupenceworth · 14/12/2022 11:42

As someone who celebrates my birthday 3 days after Christmas I would say something but I'd say about his special day not from a present point of view.

KitchiHuritAngeni · 14/12/2022 11:42

Frostysnowlady · 14/12/2022 11:35

@KitchiHuritAngeni we always make an effort for bday and Xmas for their small children. Do you think we should stop buying their dc a card and present on their birthday too

What's happening with prices of everything right now is unprecedented. Its been a shock to us all, Christmas is already expensive so it's totally understandable that one of the things that has been let slide is a present for a child who won't know the difference.

There will probably be more organised next year, and buy well in advance. Its totally different finding the money for a gift in June when there's no big celebrations on, and finding the money in December when Christmas is near and prices are skyrocketing out of control.

However I'm sure if you couldn't afford it they would understand that anyway.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/12/2022 11:42

No lack of sympathy for Christmas birthdays I just think that they won’t notice when aged 1 - people might not be bothering with the first birthday anyway

YellowTreeHouse · 14/12/2022 11:45

YANBU. I would absolutely say something, this isn’t on.

A child cannot help when their birthday is and should not be left out if other children in the family are given birthday and Christmas presents by these people.

I have a Christmastime child too and I’ve always been very clear they are two separate events. No birthday presents in Christmas wrapping paper etc etc. It’s lazy and thoughtless.

ExtraOnions · 14/12/2022 11:45

It’s something that they will need to get used to. My Birthday is 2 days after Christmas, and since being small it’s been joint “birthday and Christmas presents”, no party (everyone is partied out), people forgetting is a common occurrence.

i didn’t have a birthday party until I was 18 😂and never got a birthday cake

it doesn’t worry me to much, it never did - though I always arrange something for big birthdays

Nixnjj1 · 14/12/2022 11:46

Get used to it. Parties are another nightmare as people are busy with Christmas. I got round it by having unbirthday parties for him over the years (playdates at home with cake and candles everyone could blow out) Its his 18th this weekend and as normal life has got in everyones way but he's adapted his plans and knows lots of fun stuff will happen after Christmas