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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say something about dc's present

171 replies

Frostysnowlady · 14/12/2022 11:14

So common theme here but my dc is born a few days before xmas.

We visited family this week doing the pre Xmas visits and present exchange. Some close family have given both my dc a Xmas present but no extra bday present or card, another gave both dc a Xmas present and a seperate birthday card but no seperate bday present.

Appreciate bday is next week but post strikes etc surely you would give both at same time??

I feel upset for my dc I know they are only 1 but it's setting a precedent isn't it.

AIBU unreasonable to say something? How would you word it.

OP posts:
YellowTreeHouse · 14/12/2022 23:39

Lampshadered · 14/12/2022 23:27

You give appropriately or you don’t give at all

With an attitude like that, I imagine most people would opt for the latter.

There is no circumstance where I would confront somebody about not buying a present for my child. I don't know what's going on in their lives and I would die of shame if I thought somebody was under financial pressure because of a present.

And I would rather my child not receive a present than receive a thoughtless one in Christmas wrapping paper.

If the consensus in the family is that you give to children for birthday and Christmas then it doesn’t matter what the time of year is, that still applies, and I wouldn’t just sit back and let my child be missed out because of something out of their control.

Birthdays aren’t random dates. It’s the same every year, so if you can budget for a present for a June birthday you can absolutely budget for a December birthday.

If the consensus was Christmas presents only for all children, not a problem. Similarly if it’s no presents for anyone at all, adult or child, Birthday or Christmas, not a problem.

The problem comes when a child is affected and treated differently because their birthday happens to be in December.

Baublesandtinsel · 14/12/2022 23:57

MarigoldPetals · 14/12/2022 23:10

Negatively affected by having their present wrapped in paper with the wrong print? Have a fucking word

It’s not that and you know it.
It’s about not acknowledging that the child has a birthday. It’s about no one bothering to celebrate their birth. Wrapping it in Christmas paper makes it just another Christmas present.

Not if its wrapped in June, an let's be honest what child looks at the wrapping paper I know alot an not one has ever took at interest in the paper they are about to rip up!

Willowswood · 15/12/2022 00:02

A bit late now, but when they gave the present you should have said, is that their birthday or Christmas present

WineIsMyMainVice · 15/12/2022 00:10

If DC1 has a summer bday then hold a joint family get together for their birthdays. Call DC2’s a mid year bday instead and make it clear to family (at this stage) you’ll be celebrating for them too this way from now on!
I have several family members kids who have rubbish very near/after Xmas birthdays and I give a card on the day but do a Mid Year Birthday present instead. They love it!

SmallPrawnEnergy · 15/12/2022 00:16

it’s indicative of a wider problem of their Birthday being swallowed up with Christmas.
I agree. My mum’s birthday is Christmas Eve. Nothing upsets her more than a birthday present in Xmas wrapping paper because it just smacks of i can’t be fucking arsed.

Nanny0gg · 15/12/2022 00:18

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 14/12/2022 11:17

It’s an expensive time of year and there’s a cost of living crisis.

Maybe they just couldn’t stretch to two presents?

If they would normally buy 2 there is nothing stopping them buying one of them at a different time of year and keeping it till Christmas.

It's shit having a Christmas birthday.

Champagneforeveryone · 15/12/2022 00:25

Truthfully your 1yo is clueless, but it is setting a precedent.

I may be somewhat bitter as it was my birthday yesterday and I received one card from DH (I already had my present as it wouldn't keep) and some flowers from a friend. Everything else is held up in the post or I will get it "when we see you"

I'm not 5yo and I'm completely aware there are far bigger problems in the world, but this would never happen with DH's September birthday for example. My birthday always feels like an anticlimax and like an afterthought (which realistically I know it is to a lot of people)

I have recently instigated a June birthday date, so that we can go out for a birthday meal without being surrounded by Christmas parties or turkey dinners 😉

greenteafiend · 15/12/2022 00:30

By adulthood, most people have grown up and accepted that nobody really gives a toss about your birthday regardless of what time of year it is. The only exception is (some of) the around-Christmas birthday people, who are STILL nurturing grudges and grievances left over from when they are five, and demand an Extra Special Fuss to mark the event.

greenteafiend · 15/12/2022 00:32

I may be somewhat bitter as it was my birthday yesterday and I received one card from DH (I already had my present as it wouldn't keep) and some flowers from a friend. Everything else is held up in the post or I will get it "when we see you"

I mean, most adult birthdays are like this, including mine (which is in May!) Fewer people do cards these days, I don't exchange presents or cards with most friends, and I think it's a bit mad, personally, to get a card from the person you are living with (shrug).

Confusion101 · 15/12/2022 00:33

Lampshadered · 14/12/2022 23:27

You give appropriately or you don’t give at all

With an attitude like that, I imagine most people would opt for the latter.

There is no circumstance where I would confront somebody about not buying a present for my child. I don't know what's going on in their lives and I would die of shame if I thought somebody was under financial pressure because of a present.

Omg thank you for this!!!! I can't get over the amount of people saying to say something!!

Celebrate the birthday and make it as special as you want for your child but what the hell is with demanding presents? If the birthday was in June and people didn't give presents would you text them asking them where the presents were!?!? If it's about the "gesture" as you claim then surely them wishing a happy birthday on the day or engaging in some sort of celebration is enough?

Mentallycollapsed · 15/12/2022 00:34

I know of Christmas babies who have a summer "birthday" where they get their birthday presents and have their party. Takes the pressure off all round. Could you suggest something like that?

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 15/12/2022 01:32

God. Just be grateful for any gifts. There is no way of saying anything without making yourself look a total dick. Really.

thaegumathteth · 15/12/2022 01:34

Ds has a birthday next week - he's 16. I'd probably be a bit irritated if they got other kids presents at other times of the year but never would I say something.

I've always made sure ds has separate wrapping paper etc for birthday but he does get given gifts in Xmas paper too. I get it, a lot of people are overwhelmed at Christmas, plus just now a lot of people are struggling financially. Let it go.

caringcarer · 15/12/2022 01:45

In my immediate family I have a DD with a June bday, a DS1 with a beginning of September bday and one on top of Xmas. I just moved DS2 Xmas bday to celebrate in July so he got a summer bday date to celebrate too whilst he was small. He had his bday party then too. Once older he moved it back to his December bday himself.

Vegay · 15/12/2022 02:02

A family member either buys for children at birthdays and Christmas, or they don't - you are not being unreasonable at all. If Nan has bought the other 12 grandkids, but not yours, both a birthday present and Christmas present and their birthdays are spread across the year - you are not being unreasonable.

If it is the fact that your child is 1, and some people don't want to spend unnecessarily on a 1 year old who doesn't have a clue what is going on, myself included, then you are being unreasonable. It's definitely your responsibility to have that convo with the adults in the future though, before your child is aware.

Judgyjudgy · 15/12/2022 02:28

So materialistic! Your child is ONE, it won't care if it gets one present, let alone two. All these people who can't even heat their house and you're moaning about this. What is wrong with you, you should be appreciative someone thought enough of your DC to send them a gift. Smh.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 15/12/2022 02:45

I have a Christmas birthday and it’s always been hit & miss on gifts, it’s never been an issue for me I was asked as a child about celebrating my birthday in June instead but i honestly wasn’t bothered and actually really quite enjoy not having too much fuss.

Oliol · 15/12/2022 02:53

YellowTreeHouse · 14/12/2022 22:52

If you did that to my child I would send the gift back and tell you to try again.

Laziness and disorganisation on your part is not a reason for my child to be negatively affected.

Show quote history

You'd never get another gift from me if you were so rude. You sound utterly uncivilised.

My B/d and DD x 2 Birthdays are all Christmas ones. If someone gives a gift, it is gratefully received, even if it's wrapped in a carrier bag.

I daresay that most children are far more likely to be 'negatively affected' by having ungrateful, unhinged parental behaviour demonstrated to them, rather than a birthday gift with a snowman on the wrapper.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 15/12/2022 02:58

Agreed. @YellowTreeHouse You're not coming across terribly well here.

NumberTheory · 15/12/2022 03:15

I think while they are tiny it’s not worth worrying about. But once they’re older it is a bi miserable. Might it work to have an “official” birthday in the summer? I have a niece born on Dec 24th who does this. It made present giving easier for us, made it less overwhelming for her (getting everything at Christmas is not really as good even if people buy you presents the way they would if your birthday wasn’t at Christmas) and gives her an opportunity to have friends over for a party.

FilledWithKindness · 15/12/2022 03:21

I wouldn’t say anything….

My DS turns one on 31st December, we haven’t bought him any birthday presents as of yet, we are flying to Jamaica on the 27th DP has said that’s his Birthday gift.

poefaced · 15/12/2022 03:27

Frostysnowlady · 14/12/2022 11:35

@KitchiHuritAngeni we always make an effort for bday and Xmas for their small children. Do you think we should stop buying their dc a card and present on their birthday too

Yes, it’s not fair that their kids get both birthday and Xmas gifts and yours don’t.

YellowTreeHouse · 15/12/2022 03:35

Oliol · 15/12/2022 02:53

You'd never get another gift from me if you were so rude. You sound utterly uncivilised.

My B/d and DD x 2 Birthdays are all Christmas ones. If someone gives a gift, it is gratefully received, even if it's wrapped in a carrier bag.

I daresay that most children are far more likely to be 'negatively affected' by having ungrateful, unhinged parental behaviour demonstrated to them, rather than a birthday gift with a snowman on the wrapper.

Show quote history

It would be exceptionally rude to be so lazy and put so little thought into a December child’s birthday, and all I would be doing is politely calling you out on that.

If you don’t want to be called out on your own rudeness, don’t be rude. But don’t expect people to acquiesce just to keep the peace.

I would rather my child got no gift from you than a lazy, thoughtless one that showed you didn’t even care enough to acknowledge it’s a birthday.

YellowTreeHouse · 15/12/2022 03:36

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 15/12/2022 02:58

Agreed. @YellowTreeHouse You're not coming across terribly well here.

I don’t care how I’m “coming across”. And apparently neither do the thoughtless, lazy people who would wrap a December child’s birthday on Christmas paper.

They're just hoping nobody will call them out on their rudeness. Well I would.

Katy4321 · 15/12/2022 03:39

My birthday is close to Xmas. I have no idea what my parents did when I was very little, but definitely when older I they made sure I had separate presents. They also give me a little gift on my siblings midsummer birthday just so I didn't have to go a whole year, which I think was lovely gesture.