To say something about dc's present

[Frostysnowlady]

So common theme here but my dc is born a few days before xmas.

We visited family this week doing the pre Xmas visits and present exchange. Some close family have given both my dc a Xmas present but no extra bday present or card, another gave both dc a Xmas present and a seperate birthday card but no seperate bday present.

Appreciate bday is next week but post strikes etc surely you would give both at same time??

I feel upset for my dc I know they are only 1 but it's setting a precedent isn't it.

AIBU unreasonable to say something? How would you word it.

If you did that to my child I would send the gift back and tell you to try again.

Laziness and disorganisation on your part is not a reason for my child to be negatively affected.

If you did that they wouldn't be getting a fucking present. If your child is negatively affected by wrapping paper that they rip off, that's your fault and they (and you) need therapy.

I use any paper as well to wrap bday presents. It's to stop me buying loads of rolls that sit there for the rest of the year, and I have ADHD which often manifests as 'laziness and disorganisation'.

Fuck your horrible attitude to people giving your child a gift and get over yourself.

@YellowTreeHouse

I wouldn’t shout. And if you then went and did that I’d throw it in the bin in front of you.

Tell me you're a narcissist without telling me you're a narcissist

Exactly

My child was not meant to be a Christmastime baby, but as soon as she was I saw how fucked off these children get. I vowed never to let her be affected and she never will be.

Birthdays are not a surprise. They’re the same date every year. There’s no excuse for laziness, thoughtlessness, disorganisation. It’s can’t be askedness at its finest and I won’t have it. We don’t need people like that in our lives.

@NippyWoowoo Again, it’s not just about the wrapping paper and you know it. It’s indicative of a wider problem of a December child’s birthday being swallowed up by Christmas.

So yes, these children are negatively affected.

I won’t allow my child to ever feel like that. We don’t need lazy, thoughtless people in our lives and I would rather not see them/get no gift than one that makes my child feel an afterthought.

Your ADHD is not an excuse. Don’t use it as one.

I have a new year birthday which is pretty shit, I remember when I was 14 every single one of my presents was a regift and every one was a smelly gift set.

People were alway skint on my birthday and I hardly ever went out with friends because they had no money.

I don’t however care if they come wrapped in Christmas paper, I’ve been known to wrap birthday presents in Christmas paper for a June birthday and no one has ever said anything. These days I use brown paper to wrap all my presents and it obviously very generic and reusable.

We move Xmas most years. Can be anywhere between November and February. 😂

I would wait until after the birthday, you don’t know what is in the card or gifts and some may still send or deliver a birthday present.

If people then haven’t given a birthday present I wouldn’t say anything, but would stop buying for their children’s birthdays.

One of my children has a birthday a week after Christmas. MIL, kind and generous, gave no birthday gift for years. I eventually had to point out that birthday child was now old enough to see that their siblings were given generous birthday gifts as well as Christmas. MIL’s reasoning was “well DGC had just had all those Christmas gifts so didn’t need anything else”. She was told pretty damn quickly that was not the point, the point was that she was discriminating against the Christmas birthday child who had noted and asked outright why this was. Birthday gifts were forthcoming every year afterwards.

This is fine if it's at the parents / birthday child's request. I have occasionally had a "big" present for Christmas that I wouldn't have had if it hadn't been a joint gift. However you dress it up though, it is shit (particularly as a child) if you only get one gift for the two events when that's not what you've asked for.

Are people seriously asking wider family for specific things? I could understand this mentality about parents but all of this talk of asking wider family to do this and that and being pissed off if they don't is so grabby. IMO you just graciously receive whatever wider family and friends are able to give, you don't ask for something in particular unless they ask you.

asofanearyou is it really that unusual to tell relatives what your child would like? I'm delighted to be asked to buy X or Y as my only child is now at uni, and the swathes of Paw Patrol and the like are a complete mystery to me.

Also I think this is more about siblings being treated differently. My DB was a June baby and had 2 separate celebrations, his birthday and Christmas. 2 separate lots of presents. When this is not reciprocated with all children then it is rubbish and thoughtless.

YellowTree, you sound literally insane and you are seriously setting your kid up for problems by teaching them to be obsessed with meeting a set of carefully prescribed present-and-card giving rules. This is unlikely to persist throughout their lives, especially as they get older and normal people start caring less about their birthday.

We live far from DH’s family. They all, including PIL, stopped buying any gifts for DD after she was 2 because “they didn’t know what she needed”. Other grandchildren got bits and pieces every week and presents for birthday, Xmas, Easter eggs etc. Even when DD started noticing that she would give gifts to her cousins but never got anything back and DH had a quiet word nothing changed.

Now PIL will give some money for her (£10) occasionally if they happen to see DH (he sometimes works near them) or if he takes her up there (rare, because they literally can’t be arsed). Meanwhile they’ve given BIL (golden child)the money to buy the house next door to theirs outright to knock through into some super house. (Not sure why a family of 5 needs a 8 bedroom house but still.)

Fuckers.

My birthday is less than a week before Christmas and I'd often get a 'joint' Christmas and birthday present which, in reality, wasn't joint at all and was always similar to older sisters present (who always got a separate birthday present as her bday was March).

However, you cannot force people to buy presents for your children. It's an expensive time so your DC's birthday may get overlooked by some family. I've been there and it's not nice, but as long as you make DC feel special on both days, that's the most you can do unfortunately.

Also, might have been mentioned, but maybe the birthday card has a voucher or cash so you can get something they need?

I think it's quite common to ask for specific things for Birthday and Christmas especially beyond the toddler stages - even saying something like Lego can be meanless - how do you know what sets the child already has or what themes they are interested in?

Just tell me what my neice wants.

The Christmas Birthday thing is definitely about making sure siblings aren't treated differently. And I guess it's about acknowledging peoples special day.

I know a couple of people with Christmas Day birthdays who have birthday cake and birthday presents after dinner.

But I cannot get my head round managing a Christmas Eve birthday and then get a hyper child into bed for Santa coming. That said we had tears a couple of year ago - Santa didn't bring x - No this is your birthday Santa is tomorrow.

*I think it's quite common to ask for specific things for Birthday and Christmas especially beyond the toddler stages - even saying something like Lego can be meanless - how do you know what sets the child already has or what themes they are interested in?

Just tell me what my neice wants.*

Yes, if you ask, but you don't say to people "I want you to buy x" and then be pissed off if they don't do it.

Ds was 3 on Monday, he has separate birthday cards/presents to what is given at Christmas, same as all the other kids whose birthdays are spread out the year. One thing we've done from the start is to ask relatives if they'd mind getting a gift for one occasion but some money or vouchers for the other. Whatever he gets in his cards goes straight in a special tin of his. Then in the summer we pick a weekend where we open the tin, go and get toys for the garden, holiday clothes etc and have a nice lunch/cake etc. I'm hoping he'll be ok with this arrangement as he gets older, but who knows, we may need to adapt! I don't see how it's unreasonable or "grabby" to want a December/new year child to be treated the same as a kid with a summer birthday?!

Also, relatives always ask me for specific things to get him, so yeah we do send out links etc but only when asked and I always send a few things of various prices and say any one of these is fine, not expecting them all etc. We do the same with cousins as otherwise I'd just end up getting generic stuff they might not want??

As I said before, there's a big difference between providing a list when someone asks what your child wants, and simply declaring you want them to buy X and getting angry if they don't. I would never do that and would always wait to be asked.

I agree that it's tough on December babies if they end up getting treated differently to their siblings and perhaps from some people who are well off financially it is thoughtless, but for many it is simply the truth that they have much more money to spare earlier in the year and buying lots for one child in December is just too much money. It's not done with malice or even true thoughtlessness, they just can't afford it. It's a sad fact of life.

Not the December/January baby’s fault that an enormous commercial festival means people overspend. If they were born in September they would presumably get something.

birthdays should be far more important than tat-mas son my view.

*Not the December/January baby’s fault that an enormous commercial festival means people overspend. If they were born in September they would presumably get something.

birthdays should be far more important than tat-mas son my view*

But again, it's not about whether it's their fault, it's about whether people can afford it. Not everyone overspends, many people are broke purely because of all the different people they have to buy something for.

In this case I would probably stop buying either kids Christmas presents and just get them birthday presents. But the expectation that they MUST do both or they are being thoughtless is unfair imo.

Nobody “must” buy for anyone. We don’t buy for 6 out of 7 nieces and nephews. Don’t buy for parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, postie or window cleaner either. It’s a much better way to do it IMO. (15 years and counting.)

Nobody “must” buy for anyone. We don’t buy for 6 out of 7 nieces and nephews. Don’t buy for parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, postie or window cleaner either. It’s a much better way to do it IMO. (15 years and counting.)

I agree, but that is the expectation being set out here by many posters. Parents should be able to tell people what they want them to do about gifts and take offence when they don't get what they want.

It’s mean and rude to give one sibling a birthday present and not the other and as a parent I would try to stop this (by asking the giver not to give to the child they do buy for). If people can’t afford presents they should be skipping the Christmas presents of both children (or giving a small selection box or cheap token present) if they have given one sibling a birthday present earlier in the year.
Would any of us as children have understood and been happy if a relative gave our sibling a birthday present and not us?

I have one before Christmas and one after Christmas and family are very good at keeping birthdays and Christmas separate. That’s because it’s common sense that a child is going to feel rubbish about their birthday if family don’t bother (but usually do for others) just because of the time of year. Like you said it’s the thought that counts as opposed to money.

In your shoes I wouldn’t say anything but I would start a conversation about it so that they could perspective take a bit and then hopefully as baby gets bigger they will make an effort for birthdays etc. this year my son has a small party so he is celebrating this weekend but other years I would bring party forward a week or two if he wanted quite a few friends to be there x

Sorry start a general convo about having a Christmas birthday and hope that child doesn’t feel down about it and that you will make sure to do separate birthday and Christmas presents to keep it separate and see if that gets them thinking about their behaviour maybe x

My Christmas day born grandson has cards and a cake at Christmas but presents and a party on the Saturday nearest to 25th June. Seems to keep everyone happy, he's 12 this year!