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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would I be unreasonable to call his work?

375 replies

mindisdoingovertime · 14/12/2022 10:22

So the hubby left early this morning for work. He drives around all day attending different work calls.

It is very, very icey and the weather was awful when he left at 5am this morning!

Ive tried calling him but both his work phone and normal phone is unavailable. Ive also got one tick on WhatsApp.

He sometimes works in areas of no signal but this is very rare (think once or twice over the last year).

Would I be unreasonable to contact his work and ask them to trace his works van or is this crazy woman territory? I'm so worried, ive been crying all morning, this is not like him at all. Ive checked all the local traffic reports and there was a crash this morning close to where we live and would fit his route at the right time but it says no injuries.

What would you do? Shall I wait a bit and keep trying to ring him?

OP posts:
Bunnycat101 · 14/12/2022 11:18

He will inevitably be in an area without signal and you absolutely shouldn’t call him. Posters may have been harsh but I think this should be a wake-up call that something isn’t quite right whether that is anxiety or something else. It would be a disciplinary at many workplaces if they found out you were on the phone every hour while you were meant to be working.

GirloutofAfrica · 14/12/2022 11:18

If its unusual then call, it sounds like he wouldn't mind if nothing as you communicate often.

notanothertakeaway · 14/12/2022 11:18

We ring each other at least every hour through the work day and have done for years

I've been crying all morning

I don't think this sounds very healthy. I'm sure he's fine. And if he's not, you'd have heard by now, if he's driving a works van ie easily identifiable

Screenburn · 14/12/2022 11:19

I mean this in the nicest possible way OP but your life will be so much easier if you get some help for your anxiety - whilst I can see why you might be a little worried, crying all morning is an enormous overreaction to a lack of phone signal in cold weather, and getting help would mean you don’t have to feel so distressed.

The calls every hour is also really worrying - it’s not something people do in healthy relationships. Did he instigate them? Is he quite jealous or controlling - likes to know where you are and what you’re doing? What would happen if you didn’t answer?

helpfulperson · 14/12/2022 11:21

His work shouldn't tell you anything. I'm not suggesting this is the case here but because of stalkers, domestic abuse etc we were are always told to not give out information about employees.

Georgeskitchen · 14/12/2022 11:22

MrsSkylerWhite · 14/12/2022 10:39

He has a driving job? Given the conditions and the concentration needed in poor weather, might he have switched off to avoid distractions?

I would suggest this as well. I hate driving in icy conditions and have to keep all my senses on trying to keep the car on the road without hitting anything x

Cwcwbird · 14/12/2022 11:22

I imagine the reason he hasn't called or answered your call is because of the roads. He's probably going slower than usual and having to really concentrate. None of which lends itself to talking on the phone.

I wouldn't be calling work but maybe consider it if he doesn't call on his lunch break?

Your arrangement of speaking constantly is pretty unusual and they may be surprised that you are so worried this early in the day.

MayISuggestSomeThickCutSteakChipsToGoWithThat · 14/12/2022 11:24

Musthavebeenbadinapastlife · 14/12/2022 10:54

Is it an iPhone and does he work outside?
They are rubbish at working in very cold weather.

Using an iOS or iPadOS device in very cold conditions outside its operating range may temporarily shorten battery life and could cause your device to turn off. Battery life will return to normal when you bring your device back to higher ambient temperatures

This!! My iPhone battery has been dying from nearly a full charge in this cold weather. Even having it charging up isn't helping. Woke up this morning to find it had completely flat battery even though it had been on charge during the night. I had to shove it under my pillow to try and warm it up to get it to switch back on again.

HughJarWang · 14/12/2022 11:24

Screenburn · 14/12/2022 11:19

I mean this in the nicest possible way OP but your life will be so much easier if you get some help for your anxiety - whilst I can see why you might be a little worried, crying all morning is an enormous overreaction to a lack of phone signal in cold weather, and getting help would mean you don’t have to feel so distressed.

The calls every hour is also really worrying - it’s not something people do in healthy relationships. Did he instigate them? Is he quite jealous or controlling - likes to know where you are and what you’re doing? What would happen if you didn’t answer?

I was actually wondering whether the OP is the one who instigated them, and whether she is the one who is jealous or controlling and has to know where he is all the time, and what would happen if he chose not to answer for once...

Mari9999 · 14/12/2022 11:31

Is it possible that he is just feeling the need to concentrate on the icy roads and the sometimes erratic driving that comes with icy roads.

I don't particularly enjoy talking and driving in bad weather. Give him time, probably, he will call you when he reaches his destination.

ffsnotagainandagain · 14/12/2022 11:32

Every relationship is different. Me and my DH don't phone often but text a few times a day. If he didn't get back to me within a couple hours I would also worry as it's out of the norm for us. I hope it's a simple explanation like signal or battery.

whattodo1975 · 14/12/2022 11:34

mindisdoingovertime · 14/12/2022 10:33

We ring each other at least every hour through the work day and have done for years. Both phones are not contactable. This is the first time this has happened in the 4 years he has worked there.

Every hour during the work day? Why? That sounds mental.

BloodAndFire · 14/12/2022 11:35

Tell your husband to stop endangering pedestrians and other road users by talking on the phone all day when he's driving.

YellowTreeHouse · 14/12/2022 11:35

This is not a healthy relationship. This is a codependent relationship.

EndlessRain1 · 14/12/2022 11:36

mindisdoingovertime · 14/12/2022 10:33

We ring each other at least every hour through the work day and have done for years. Both phones are not contactable. This is the first time this has happened in the 4 years he has worked there.

Maybe he is concentrating on his driving for once. As he should have been for the last 4 years.

whattodo1975 · 14/12/2022 11:37

4 pages in and no one has suggest the OP's fella is having an affair.

I'm impressed.

Facecream · 14/12/2022 11:38

I’m going to sound horrible here but if you need to be in constant contact you shouldn’t be employed because it’s wrong on so many levels. Add in the driving and it’s downright dangerous.
co-dependency, anxiety, control whatever…. It’s utterly inconsiderate to other road users, employees and your employers

AriettyHomily · 14/12/2022 11:40

mindisdoingovertime · 14/12/2022 10:44

My concern would be that the Police would take them and switch them off if he had been involved in an accident.

Of course they don't, they leave them to ring

Itstoocoldoutthere · 14/12/2022 11:40

YABVU. This would be considered obsessive behaviour by most people and my work would be very annoyed if a driver was using a mobile whilst driving. Even hands free it is a distraction. Please see a doctor about your anxiety.

Herejustforthisone · 14/12/2022 11:41

mindisdoingovertime · 14/12/2022 10:33

We ring each other at least every hour through the work day and have done for years. Both phones are not contactable. This is the first time this has happened in the 4 years he has worked there.

Every hour? Crikey. You call? At least every hour?

I thought you were a bit ‘nanas but maybe give them a holler as it’s not usual (at all) for either of you to not speak.

Herejustforthisone · 14/12/2022 11:42

FangedFrisbee · 14/12/2022 10:44

Police don't turn off phones after an accident. They let them ring

Yep. And then answer them.

EcafTnuc · 14/12/2022 11:43

He drives around on the phone to you all day? Well if he’s using his phone so much when driving, even hands free as it’s proven to be just ask distracting, an incident is likely I’m surprise he hasn’t been injured or injured someone else already. But given the whatsapp status it’s likely he just has no signal.

Calling each other so much is fucking ridiculous though.

Unicorn717 · 14/12/2022 11:44

Why would you think the police would turn his phones off if he had been in an accident? Can't actually think of a logical reason for that?

Polkadotties · 14/12/2022 11:45

What can you possibly have to talk about?!
Stop being dramatic. You would have heard if something had happened

backonceagainisee · 14/12/2022 11:46

I'm not going to flame you, OP. I have terrible anxiety, especially when it comes to my 18yo DS being uncontactable. Probably because he generally does keep it touch/remain contactable when all is well. So when he doesn't, my mind (and body) go to bits.

So I agree that the hourly contact has probably done you no favours here. Maybe time to wean yourselves off those.

I hope you hear from him soon.

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