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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell her?

197 replies

bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 09:09

I have found out my SIL husband is liking raunchy photos on SM. Not just one or two but ALOT. These range from celebrities/ women with a big following to women on onlyfans to just normal girls with no following.

It's the liking of normal girls photos that is worrying as the majority of these girls are from the area that he grew up in and still visits often to see friends/ family.

I'm worried about telling her as they have two small children and SIL is currently struggling with signs of PND and I obviously do not want to add to this especially as it could be harmless. I am disgusted that he's obviously spending his time trawling SM looking at these pictures and interacting with them in the form of liking pictures particularly his wife is struggling so. However I would like to think this is just harmless and for some reason this gives him the kicks he needs in a time which is in no doubt difficult for him too.

OH says we should just stay out of it as it isn't our marriage and I see his point but SIL is one of my best friends and I think I would want to know.

So AIBU to tell SIL what I've seen? Do I just leave it? Or do I have a secret word with him?

OP posts:
Original poster
bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 12:39

JoyfulGirl · 14/12/2022 12:36

I like attractive people’s photos on social media all the time. I don’t see the big deal? It would be different if he was leaving lots of sleazy comments but a like means nothing! If someone came to me to tell me that my husband was doing this I’d think they were trying to shit-stir, sorry.

I guess everyone will think differently about it but I have decided to leave it because just like you she may not see this as I do

OP posts:
Sandra1984 · 14/12/2022 12:40

bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 12:30

I know it's bizarre!

Show quote history

We clearly have different definitions of "bizarre". I don't find bizarre a man "liking" a sexy picture on SM, I do find "bizarre" a woman stalking her SIL husband to see what he likes and whatnot on his very public SM profile then feeling the need to tell SIL who is dealing with two kids and MH issues.

Original poster
bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 12:43

@Sandra1984 I haven't told her! And I'm not stalking him! I snooped once and have stopped there.

He hasn't just liked one photo.

You're telling me you would be ok with your oh liking 110 of 199 of Susan's instagram photos from down the road all because she had her boobs out in them? I find that hard to believe. But I guess we're all different

OP posts:
catandcoffee · 14/12/2022 12:44

No say nothing.

As for the out of character..... you've no idea what anyone's character is really like.

People only show you the part of them they want you to see.

If its bothering you just stop following him online.

lennylion · 14/12/2022 12:44

bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 12:09

I find so interesting how so many of you would be so ok with this. So I'm intact that I'm the one who's weird for "stalking' him.

Not the married guy with two young children who is stalking instagram everyday for seemingly any picture with a bit of boob in it! This is the standard that society has for men!

Newsflash: straight men like tits

RealBecca · 14/12/2022 12:45

If shes your best friend then bring it up gently.

Original poster
bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 12:49

@lennylion newsflash men can like things and control themselves by respecting other peoples emotions and not being a huge sleezeball

I like the look of some men's torsos, the difference is I don't trawl the internet liking everyone I see to let the poster know I like their torso!

We have such low standards for men

OP posts:
Original poster
bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 12:51

RealBecca · 14/12/2022 12:45

If shes your best friend then bring it up gently.

I'm not sure there is a gentle way to bring this up. I think I will leave it. As other posters have pointed out it is there in plain sight so she may see it herself and have no problem with it

OP posts:
Original poster
bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 12:51

catandcoffee · 14/12/2022 12:44

No say nothing.

As for the out of character..... you've no idea what anyone's character is really like.

People only show you the part of them they want you to see.

If its bothering you just stop following him online.

That's true, you never know really but I thought I did!

OP posts:
Sandra1984 · 14/12/2022 12:54

bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 12:43

@Sandra1984 I haven't told her! And I'm not stalking him! I snooped once and have stopped there.

He hasn't just liked one photo.

You're telling me you would be ok with your oh liking 110 of 199 of Susan's instagram photos from down the road all because she had her boobs out in them? I find that hard to believe. But I guess we're all different

This is a family under a lot of pressure, she's dealing with two kids, Post natal depression, mental health issues, he's probably working his butt of trying to keep the family boat afloat while his partner suffers from PND and all you're thinking is adding more aggravation to their situation. You're not helping here at all OP. How about instead you go to visit her, make her a cuppa and offer to help her with the baby? Let the poor sod get some dopamine kick and click like on some sexy woman.

Sandra1984 · 14/12/2022 12:55

FFS.

Original poster
bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 12:59

@Sandra1984 it's interesting that you've said that he is probably working his butt off to keep his family afloat. He's clearly spending a lot of time doing this and you don't think this will affect his family. I've already said I have decided not to say anything. You got that! I'm not going to say anything. But it's interesting that you say HIS needs are important here. So I guess if she stops having sex with him due to her poor PND and mental health issues he's ok to go and get it elsewhere yeah? Because you know he couldn't possibly go without could he, he has needs right! God what an awful way to look at this. Do you want a map to find your internalised misogyny!!!

OP posts:
loislovesstewie · 14/12/2022 13:03

It's a big leap from looking at photos on SM to having an affair, isn't it?

Original poster
bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 13:04

loislovesstewie · 14/12/2022 13:03

It's a big leap from looking at photos on SM to having an affair, isn't it?

Looking or liking and interacting? Yes it is but it all starts somewhere doesn't it

OP posts:
loislovesstewie · 14/12/2022 13:05

And it may go nowhere at all.

Original poster
bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 13:06

loislovesstewie · 14/12/2022 13:05

And it may go nowhere at all.

You're absolutely right which is why I've decided not to say anything!

OP posts:
rwalker · 14/12/2022 13:12

bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 12:39

I guess everyone will think differently about it but I have decided to leave it because just like you she may not see this as I do

Show quote history

I don’t think many people do

Sandra1984 · 14/12/2022 13:19

bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 12:59

@Sandra1984 it's interesting that you've said that he is probably working his butt off to keep his family afloat. He's clearly spending a lot of time doing this and you don't think this will affect his family. I've already said I have decided not to say anything. You got that! I'm not going to say anything. But it's interesting that you say HIS needs are important here. So I guess if she stops having sex with him due to her poor PND and mental health issues he's ok to go and get it elsewhere yeah? Because you know he couldn't possibly go without could he, he has needs right! God what an awful way to look at this. Do you want a map to find your internalised misogyny!!!

So you got it all figured out with this family regarding who is doing what and why? And now you feel the need to get into their personal lives (despite having zero knowledge regarding their agreements) and dish her man to this woman who
is suffering from depression.

how about you look into your own issues instead? Maybe stalking others online is your way to run away from them.

Original poster
bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 13:21

@Sandra1984 I haven't got into anything because I HAVENT SAID ANYTHING!!

And what do you know what I know about them? You're a stranger online commenting as if you know everything! Maybe you should look at why you do that you absolute troll!!!

OP posts:
xyhere · 14/12/2022 13:25

For what it's worth...my wife hits "like" on a lot of photos of guys who are - in all honesty - far more attractive than I am, in various states of undress. I don't have a problem with it, because we're solid and I trust that she's not going to arrive on anyone's doorstep based on a few Instagram photos that are objectively aesthetically-pleasing.

I guess my question would be (sorry if I've missed this in the last 7 pages): how do you know that she isn't already aware? If she is, then there's no way for you to bring it up without it causing irreparable harm to your relationship with her.

That alone is a good reason not to say anything.

Thefriendlyone · 14/12/2022 13:26

bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 12:59

@Sandra1984 it's interesting that you've said that he is probably working his butt off to keep his family afloat. He's clearly spending a lot of time doing this and you don't think this will affect his family. I've already said I have decided not to say anything. You got that! I'm not going to say anything. But it's interesting that you say HIS needs are important here. So I guess if she stops having sex with him due to her poor PND and mental health issues he's ok to go and get it elsewhere yeah? Because you know he couldn't possibly go without could he, he has needs right! God what an awful way to look at this. Do you want a map to find your internalised misogyny!!!

Good lord what are you doing, now talking about their sex life?

Original poster
bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 13:28

xyhere · 14/12/2022 13:25

For what it's worth...my wife hits "like" on a lot of photos of guys who are - in all honesty - far more attractive than I am, in various states of undress. I don't have a problem with it, because we're solid and I trust that she's not going to arrive on anyone's doorstep based on a few Instagram photos that are objectively aesthetically-pleasing.

I guess my question would be (sorry if I've missed this in the last 7 pages): how do you know that she isn't already aware? If she is, then there's no way for you to bring it up without it causing irreparable harm to your relationship with her.

That alone is a good reason not to say anything.

I guess it depends on the relationship and if you're ok with this then that's fine. Would you be ok with her liking sexualised photos of the same man from down the road consistently? But only the ones that are sexualised not normal day to day photos. I think context is important!

To my knowledge she doesn't know, however I have decided not to say anything because I don't want to upset her and as many people have pointed out she may not see it as a problem

OP posts:
Bananagirl23 · 14/12/2022 13:29

That’s good you’ve decided not to raise the issue - it doesn’t sound like anything good will come from throwing more issues into the mix if they are already struggling

xyhere · 14/12/2022 13:30

bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 13:28

I guess it depends on the relationship and if you're ok with this then that's fine. Would you be ok with her liking sexualised photos of the same man from down the road consistently? But only the ones that are sexualised not normal day to day photos. I think context is important!

To my knowledge she doesn't know, however I have decided not to say anything because I don't want to upset her and as many people have pointed out she may not see it as a problem

Show quote history

I wouldn't care, because the nature of the photos is irrelevant to the fact that we trust each other completely.

Original poster
bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 13:30

@Thefriendlyone what are you talking about! I'm not talking about their sex life im saying if she was to, would that be ok! I was simply trying to make a point about how ridiculous the statement is that men have needs and this is part of it! It's not ok that we have such low standards

OP posts: