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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell her?

197 replies

bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 09:09

I have found out my SIL husband is liking raunchy photos on SM. Not just one or two but ALOT. These range from celebrities/ women with a big following to women on onlyfans to just normal girls with no following.

It's the liking of normal girls photos that is worrying as the majority of these girls are from the area that he grew up in and still visits often to see friends/ family.

I'm worried about telling her as they have two small children and SIL is currently struggling with signs of PND and I obviously do not want to add to this especially as it could be harmless. I am disgusted that he's obviously spending his time trawling SM looking at these pictures and interacting with them in the form of liking pictures particularly his wife is struggling so. However I would like to think this is just harmless and for some reason this gives him the kicks he needs in a time which is in no doubt difficult for him too.

OH says we should just stay out of it as it isn't our marriage and I see his point but SIL is one of my best friends and I think I would want to know.

So AIBU to tell SIL what I've seen? Do I just leave it? Or do I have a secret word with him?

OP posts:
sleephelp2022 · 14/12/2022 09:55

Gosh OP, all these people here going on like doing a bit of digging on social media is abnormal - it is not.

Anyway, I agree with you, it's weird and I would certainly have an issue. But as others have said, I'd stay out of it... unless she comes to you with concerns, just let it lie. It's their relationship at the end of the day.

PeaceJoySleep · 14/12/2022 09:55

FerryYaBerryLa · 14/12/2022 09:33

If she’s struggling already I would leave it for now.

I agree, do nothing for now but just be a support. She may confide her uncertainty about him in you one day, then you can say you had noticed he likes half naked photos and validate her doubts and dissatisfaction in the relationship.

butterfliedtwo · 14/12/2022 09:55

NoodleNuts · 14/12/2022 09:45

Well you clearly have been stalking him on social media otherwise you wouldn't know what or whose photos he had 'liked'. Somebody does something that you consider out of character so you feel the need to dig deeper? You've been on various SM sites checking what he has been doing? That behaviour would concern me more than his would!

I think you should keep your beak out - it is nothing to do with you.

All of this. Your digging is weird to me.

Original poster
bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 09:56

pinkyredrose · 14/12/2022 09:51

I actually don't consider these girls to be pretty!

How judgmental.

I just meant in comparison to his wife I wouldn't say they are way prettier and therefore feel some kind of threat on her behalf. It's my opinion

OP posts:
Unicorn717 · 14/12/2022 09:56

@bothsidesofasmile ah okay, I would probably just leave it. It's not going to make her feel any better about herself if she doesn't know about it already. And it's not obvious he is or wanting to cheat.

Original poster
bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 09:57

sleephelp2022 · 14/12/2022 09:55

Gosh OP, all these people here going on like doing a bit of digging on social media is abnormal - it is not.

Anyway, I agree with you, it's weird and I would certainly have an issue. But as others have said, I'd stay out of it... unless she comes to you with concerns, just let it lie. It's their relationship at the end of the day.

Yeah I think you're right!

OP posts:
Original poster
bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 09:58

Unicorn717 · 14/12/2022 09:56

@bothsidesofasmile ah okay, I would probably just leave it. It's not going to make her feel any better about herself if she doesn't know about it already. And it's not obvious he is or wanting to cheat.

That's true!

OP posts:
Original poster
bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 09:59

@butterfliedtwo why?

OP posts:
Original poster
bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 10:00

@PeaceJoySleep I absolutely will. My worry is if I let in that I know further down the line she may feel upset that I kept this from her.

OP posts:
Unforgettablefire · 14/12/2022 10:04

Have you done any digging on your ds to see what and who she is liking?

ZeldaOlivia · 14/12/2022 10:04

He's probably just using the pictures to masturbate with. There's nothing wrong with that.

Original poster
bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 10:06

ZeldaOlivia · 14/12/2022 10:04

He's probably just using the pictures to masturbate with. There's nothing wrong with that.

If he was using it for sexual gratification what would be the need to like the pictures? That's interaction no? Isn't that letting the other person know of your interest in some small way? He could look without the need for this

OP posts:
butterfliedtwo · 14/12/2022 10:07

bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 09:59

@butterfliedtwo why?

Because it's not your marriage.

Original poster
bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 10:08

Unforgettablefire · 14/12/2022 10:04

Have you done any digging on your ds to see what and who she is liking?

On my ds? If you mean SIL then no

OP posts:
DonnaBanana · 14/12/2022 10:10

I’d definitely tell her though probably in an anonymous way to keep out of it. I like stirring up other people’s relationships though. He’s the one in the wrong!

Original poster
bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 10:10

@butterfliedtwo I understand that which is why I've asked here before going in and telling her. I still don't think that explains why it would be weird to dig a little deeper when I've seen something out of character.

These are people I really care about

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 14/12/2022 10:11

I don't think id want my sisters partner to tell me something like this. I'd feel a pressure to act on it and I'd be embarrassed.

Goodgrief82 · 14/12/2022 10:15

Isn’t this just the modern day equivalent of finding a porn magazine tucked away in a cupboard?

ZeldaOlivia · 14/12/2022 10:15

bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 10:06

If he was using it for sexual gratification what would be the need to like the pictures? That's interaction no? Isn't that letting the other person know of your interest in some small way? He could look without the need for this

Show quote history

By liking them he's saving them to go back to later. I honestly don't think there's much of a problem here, he'll just be Tommy tanking.

Original poster
bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 10:16

Goodgrief82 · 14/12/2022 10:15

Isn’t this just the modern day equivalent of finding a porn magazine tucked away in a cupboard?

With the celebrities/ influencers, yes I guess so. But the average girls? Isn't that the modern day first stage of flirting liking all their photos?

OP posts:
Goodgrief82 · 14/12/2022 10:16

The fact that you were able to very easily stalk see he’d liked this, that and the other means that he’s not hiding anything is he?

Original poster
bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 10:17

Goodgrief82 · 14/12/2022 10:16

The fact that you were able to very easily stalk see he’d liked this, that and the other means that he’s not hiding anything is he?

No I guess not!

OP posts:
Original poster
bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 10:18

@ZeldaOlivia every single photo? Gosh he mush spend all day doing it then.

OP posts:
Goodgrief82 · 14/12/2022 10:19

bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 10:17

No I guess not!

Show quote history

So leave it. He’s not hiding anything. He doesn’t give a hoot who sees who he likes, which indicates no sinister intentions!

Goodgrief82 · 14/12/2022 10:20

I take it you don’t think much of him this issue aside?