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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell her?

197 replies

bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 09:09

I have found out my SIL husband is liking raunchy photos on SM. Not just one or two but ALOT. These range from celebrities/ women with a big following to women on onlyfans to just normal girls with no following.

It's the liking of normal girls photos that is worrying as the majority of these girls are from the area that he grew up in and still visits often to see friends/ family.

I'm worried about telling her as they have two small children and SIL is currently struggling with signs of PND and I obviously do not want to add to this especially as it could be harmless. I am disgusted that he's obviously spending his time trawling SM looking at these pictures and interacting with them in the form of liking pictures particularly his wife is struggling so. However I would like to think this is just harmless and for some reason this gives him the kicks he needs in a time which is in no doubt difficult for him too.

OH says we should just stay out of it as it isn't our marriage and I see his point but SIL is one of my best friends and I think I would want to know.

So AIBU to tell SIL what I've seen? Do I just leave it? Or do I have a secret word with him?

OP posts:
Thefriendlyone · 14/12/2022 11:24

I think you’re going to be ok op, she’s not going to be coming to you.

Passthechocolatesplease · 14/12/2022 11:25

Goodgrief82 · 14/12/2022 10:19

So leave it. He’s not hiding anything. He doesn’t give a hoot who sees who he likes, which indicates no sinister intentions!

Show quote history

Stop looking for problems that don’t exist, it would be totally wrong to mention it at all

10HailMarys · 14/12/2022 11:27

It is absolutely none of your business. Don't be such a shit-stirring drama queen.

It is not 'cheating' to hit a like button on a picture of a girl in a bikini. It is OK that you don't find it acceptable, but the only time you should be acting upon that is when it's your own husband doing it, not when someone else's husband is.

Your SIL has PND and probably already feels like shit about herself. What good do think it will do her to learn that her husband has resorted to looking at pretty girls in bikinis online? She'll just feel miserable and unloved and humiliated by the fact that you've been observing all this, and she'll have a row with her husband and everything will be a whole lot worse for her than it was before you brought this up.

Also, just because he is doing this, that doesn't mean he is neglecting his wife or being unsupportive. Someone can be kind and loving and helpful towards their partner and still idly like a photo of someone's cleavage during their private time. I'm not saying I approve of what he's doing, but I also don't think it automatically means he's an awful person.

You don't really know what's going on here at all so keep your beak out.

Cactusprick · 14/12/2022 11:32

Really unsure how you are able to see pictures he’s liked tbh? That’s not how Facebook or Instagram works is it? You can’t just click a button to see what people have liked

Original poster
bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 11:33

10HailMarys · 14/12/2022 11:27

It is absolutely none of your business. Don't be such a shit-stirring drama queen.

It is not 'cheating' to hit a like button on a picture of a girl in a bikini. It is OK that you don't find it acceptable, but the only time you should be acting upon that is when it's your own husband doing it, not when someone else's husband is.

Your SIL has PND and probably already feels like shit about herself. What good do think it will do her to learn that her husband has resorted to looking at pretty girls in bikinis online? She'll just feel miserable and unloved and humiliated by the fact that you've been observing all this, and she'll have a row with her husband and everything will be a whole lot worse for her than it was before you brought this up.

Also, just because he is doing this, that doesn't mean he is neglecting his wife or being unsupportive. Someone can be kind and loving and helpful towards their partner and still idly like a photo of someone's cleavage during their private time. I'm not saying I approve of what he's doing, but I also don't think it automatically means he's an awful person.

You don't really know what's going on here at all so keep your beak out.

I intend to!

But I don't agree, it's not one photo it's 100s of them very easily viewed by others. But you're right it's none of my business and I am going to leave it well alone unless I know for a fact he is meeting one of these women in real life

OP posts:
Shgytfgtf111 · 14/12/2022 11:33

If I was your SIL and you came to me and said that my OH was liking pictures of pretty lasses on social media I would be thoroughly confused! I would be wondering why you knew and why you were telling me.

It will only make you look like you are trying to cause trouble IMO.

Original poster
bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 11:42

Cactusprick · 14/12/2022 11:32

Really unsure how you are able to see pictures he’s liked tbh? That’s not how Facebook or Instagram works is it? You can’t just click a button to see what people have liked

If you mutually follow some it will come if under that persons photo without having to look. So I looked at a photo of someone we both follow and by the caption it says BIL liked this photo!

I thought hmm that's a bit odd, not like BIL to be liking pics of celebrities.

It played on my mind as I had a very emotional phone call with SIL that day about how much she was struggling. I was worried about her and I guess when I saw this I felt protective. I love her immensely and want the best for her.

So I snooped at his follow list. I clicked on the first girl I saw and looked at her photos. Again I saw he'd liked all the ones with cleavage on show.

I clicked on another girl on his follow list same thing.

I went through lots but only on this one occasion.

On some of these girls profiles it state where they are from in their bio.

I stopped looking as it became upsetting.

This is 100s of normal girls photos! That he's liking everyday!

Maybe I shouldn't of looked but I feel protective of SIL especially at the moment

As I've said I won't be saying anything because I think it will cause hurt for not much BUT I don't think I'm deranged and obsessed for snooping one time and being shocked by what I saw. I know these people very well or so I thought and it's shocked me to my core that he's carrying on like this. It's not just the odd bikini photo. It's disrespectful and yes maybe others won't go snooping but we're all from the same area so it's very possible that another friend of SIL could be friends with one of these girls that he's daily liking photos of and then see exactly what I have. And it would be incredibly embarrassing for SIL. I'm just trying to protect her!

OP posts:
Mamabear12 · 14/12/2022 11:46

How would telling her help?! It would only make her feel worse and I can guarantee she won’t be thankful you told her. Just leave it. Or speak to him directly and discreetly.

Goodgrief82 · 14/12/2022 11:53

Cactusprick · 14/12/2022 11:32

Really unsure how you are able to see pictures he’s liked tbh? That’s not how Facebook or Instagram works is it? You can’t just click a button to see what people have liked

This!!! You can’t see what others like unless you follow them yourself!

Thefriendlyone · 14/12/2022 11:59

Goodgrief82 · 14/12/2022 11:53

This!!! You can’t see what others like unless you follow them yourself!

Show quote history

That’s wrong, you can see who someone is following them click on them, scroll through every pic, anf then see everyone who liked it and find his name

it’s proper stalking but it’s doable

Goingforarun · 14/12/2022 12:01

Curiosity killed the cat.
Pandoras box

just leave it.

Original poster
bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 12:02

Goingforarun · 14/12/2022 12:01

Curiosity killed the cat.
Pandoras box

just leave it.

Yes totally get that.

I'm going to

OP posts:
CJsGoldfish · 14/12/2022 12:02

That's why I dug deeper because this is so out of character for him!
You 'dug deeper' because liking A picture was so out of character? How closely must you be following him to know his instagram habits so well that you knew that liking ONE photo was out of character? 😂
Then you checked on HUNDREDS of pics?
And you're telling others to 'get a life' 🤣

Original poster
bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 12:09

I find so interesting how so many of you would be so ok with this. So I'm intact that I'm the one who's weird for "stalking' him.

Not the married guy with two young children who is stalking instagram everyday for seemingly any picture with a bit of boob in it! This is the standard that society has for men!

OP posts:
Goodgrief82 · 14/12/2022 12:12

Thefriendlyone · 14/12/2022 11:59

That’s wrong, you can see who someone is following them click on them, scroll through every pic, anf then see everyone who liked it and find his name

it’s proper stalking but it’s doable

Show quote history

Bloody hell. The hours the Op must have invested. Plus the Op has even background searches the girls as she says they’re all local or from areas where he visits family.

Bit scary!

Testina · 14/12/2022 12:14

So your SIL’s husband?
This sounds more like your husband’s brother than your own brother, right?
I wouldn’t tell SIL at the moment only because supporting her through PND is more important.
But why isn’t your husband having a word with his brother to stop being a sleaze, and to pack it in? It’s grim, but if his wife sees it as you have, it may especially impact her with the PND.
So I’d expect my husband to talk to his brother - or I would.

Original poster
bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 12:17

Testina · 14/12/2022 12:14

So your SIL’s husband?
This sounds more like your husband’s brother than your own brother, right?
I wouldn’t tell SIL at the moment only because supporting her through PND is more important.
But why isn’t your husband having a word with his brother to stop being a sleaze, and to pack it in? It’s grim, but if his wife sees it as you have, it may especially impact her with the PND.
So I’d expect my husband to talk to his brother - or I would.

He doesn't feel it's any of our business which he's right it's not. But yes I worry that she'll see this and it will push her over the edge. At the same time I don't want to cause any upset. It's tricky!

I'm annoyed at BIL because although he's not cheating, he is carrying on like a single adolescent rather than a husband with a family.

OP posts:
Thefriendlyone · 14/12/2022 12:22

bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 12:09

I find so interesting how so many of you would be so ok with this. So I'm intact that I'm the one who's weird for "stalking' him.

Not the married guy with two young children who is stalking instagram everyday for seemingly any picture with a bit of boob in it! This is the standard that society has for men!

This is getting creepy op. Like really creepy . You’re obsessed with this man.

GirloutofAfrica · 14/12/2022 12:22

Can't someone speak with BIL before looksies become something else, this might be his way of dealing with their current struggles. It can't be healthy spending time ogling half clad women?

RampantIvy · 14/12/2022 12:26

I'm a bit Hmm at all these oh so cool posters who think his behaviour is OK.

Original poster
bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 12:30

GirloutofAfrica · 14/12/2022 12:22

Can't someone speak with BIL before looksies become something else, this might be his way of dealing with their current struggles. It can't be healthy spending time ogling half clad women?

I don't think there's anyway to approach it without causing major upset. It could just be innocent and just a coping method as you say.

Or as you also say it could very well lead to other stuff and there are children involved plus a wife who would be crushed!!

OP posts:
Original poster
bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 12:30

RampantIvy · 14/12/2022 12:26

I'm a bit Hmm at all these oh so cool posters who think his behaviour is OK.

I know it's bizarre!

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 14/12/2022 12:35

RampantIvy · 14/12/2022 12:26

I'm a bit Hmm at all these oh so cool posters who think his behaviour is OK.

I don't think that most people think his behaviour is ok, but that OP's behaviour, nor her intentions, are reasonable or rational.

JoyfulGirl · 14/12/2022 12:36

I like attractive people’s photos on social media all the time. I don’t see the big deal? It would be different if he was leaving lots of sleazy comments but a like means nothing! If someone came to me to tell me that my husband was doing this I’d think they were trying to shit-stir, sorry.

Original poster
bothsidesofasmile · 14/12/2022 12:37

@girlmom21 if his behaviour is not ok why is how I found such an issue? Surely the issue is that he's doing these things. All I've done is snooped once and posted a Mumsnet thread about it. I've decided I will leave it at that. What is unreasonable about my behaviour?

OP posts: