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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Host fell asleep at party 😴

183 replies

swappingwellies · 13/12/2022 22:46

I don’t know how to feel about this! I was invited to a girl’s night get together at a friend’s place, from about 7.30pm til late. I was a little late (I let the group know ahead of time) so got there about 8pm. Turns out one friend was sick and the other had an unexpected online meeting so she couldn’t make it either. It was just myself and the friend host. She wasn’t around when I got there, so I chatted with her DS for a while, and watched tv. She came downstairs about half hr later,
apologised and I made nothing of it. The food was all set up on the table buffet setting, so we got stuck in. I hadn’t even finished my plate of food and I looked up, host was sleeping. Throughout the eve she kept falling asleep mid conversation. I should have just got up and left, I’m still wondering why I didn’t. I felt uncomfortable knowing the host is sleepy and yet I thought getting up and leaving would make it further uncomfortable. For purposes of context, we’re not very close friends, just getting to know a new group of friends.

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 14/12/2022 01:20

@swappingwellies Falling asleep definitely points to a potential health problem..
A friend kept falling asleep in get togethers, she'd be in a pub {she doesn't drink} and she'd be asleep in seconds.
Turned out it was a thyroid issue.

ShirleyPhallus · 14/12/2022 01:25

I have a friend who does this, she’s brilliant but often goes for a nap during parties. She’s fallen asleep in night clubs several times too

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 14/12/2022 01:47

swappingwellies · 13/12/2022 23:59

@OnlyFannys that’s a good point you make. I should politely suggest a possible anaemia situation… I remember SIL complained of this quite a few years back.

No! Don't politely suggest anything! Nobody wants an armchair diagnosis from a new friend.

Simply thank her for the invitation, tell her in hindsight you realise you should have left earlier to let her rest, and you hope she's OK.

Mannymoomin · 14/12/2022 03:18

i don’t think you should feel bad for not leaving earlier OP, but rather you should let her know how you’re now feeling in hindsight.
You really don’t know that if you had left earlier then they’d have been feeling as if they’d let you down after going to the trouble of the buffet and even worse for the other two not turning up.
You don’t know them well now, but this could be the start of a good and long friendship, and this situation could well become something to laugh about in years to come

pompomdaisy · 14/12/2022 03:28

Why didn't you say 'look you're shattered. It's been lovely to catch up and the food was scrumpy but I'm going to head off and let you rest' ?
I think your behaviour is more odd tbh. The fact you just kept trying to make out nothing was happening!

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/12/2022 03:44

Youdoyoubabe · 14/12/2022 00:24

Could be narcolepsy but since that is pretty unusual and people have it their whole lives chances are you would have heard she had it already.

It is possible to develop narcolepsy when older, 40s or 50s. I was investigated for it as I kept on losing energy, not falling asleep but absolutely wiped out and the docs wanted to check. I also have ME and fibro but not narcolepsy.

Dustyblue · 14/12/2022 04:06

Sorry OP, I'm tired myself and read your thread title as "Horse falls asleep at party"

Thought wow, that must've been one mental arse party!

Hope your friend is ok.

AllyCatTown · 14/12/2022 04:09

She was probably really happy that you were the only one not to cancel after she went to effort to make up the buffet

As someone who was once in a similar position of having one person show up it’s not better than having no one. The awkwardness and disappointment far outweighs having a person to appreciate your effort. At least with no one you can relax and don’t have a person to report on what a failure it was.

OP, I think she was more unreasonable than you. Since she already knew others had cancelled she should have just phoned and told you it was off. Especially as she clearly wasn’t up for it. I get that in the moment it can seem unclear what to do as you don’t know if leaving will be insulting etc.

georgarina · 14/12/2022 04:36

Sadaboutth · 13/12/2022 23:33

The type of drugs somebody would be likely to take ahead of a planned night of drinking would be uppers, surely.

I can't see anybody due to host drinks deciding to pop a couple of valium, unless they have crippling anxiety in which case they're not going to be hosting parties.

Show quote history

OP says she had had some bad news so very possible she was prescribed some medication, which can cause excessive sleepiness especially in the beginning

KarmaStar · 14/12/2022 04:47

Seeing someone so obviously tired ,out of good manners I would have gone home.

Yerroblemom1923 · 14/12/2022 04:54

She may have thought you
might not show up either and thought "sod it" and took her sleeping tablet ready for an early night. She may have taken some anti anxiety meds as she was so stressed and the additional stress of feeling like no one cba showing up at her party won't have helped. She may just work v hard and struggle to stay awake past 8pm.
Many reasons. It's awkward because she's a new friend and you don't know the background. My friends are used to me nodding off and we joke about it - they know I work hard and get up early etc etc
It's a good point about anaemia and vit D.
Maybe further down the line, when you know her better, you could start a conversation about vitamin deficiencies etc
I think I would've said "thanks for going to all this trouble, the food's amazing, I've had a lovely evening but you seem shattered so I'll let you get to bed". I wouldn't mention it to her again, unless she mentions it and wants to talk about it.

Fairydoors · 14/12/2022 05:01

She should have phoned you to cancel if she knew the others weren't coming.

Nobody falls asleep like that unless they have a medical condition or have taken something.

I think anyone would have been caught out a bit OP , The leaving you with DS and no-one else being there ..I can imagine being caught between ' rude to stay, rude to go'

Ineedtosleep79 · 14/12/2022 05:20

Dustyblue · 14/12/2022 04:06

Sorry OP, I'm tired myself and read your thread title as "Horse falls asleep at party"

Thought wow, that must've been one mental arse party!

Hope your friend is ok.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 stop!

ZED55JAX0 · 14/12/2022 05:45

Oh dear sounds like she was unwell or exhausted for some reason I’d have just politely said I need to go home for an early night! I’d not be offended by her and feel sympathetic about it instead

MordredsOrrery · 14/12/2022 06:08

This happened to me once, except it was me who kept falling asleep when a friend came to visit. It's something I can't help doing - it mostly happens when I'm very stressed out (including mid conversation with a professional about some house renovations) or when I'm just exhausted - and luckily my friend was very understanding.

DP is long since used to me falling asleep mid-sentence but I hate it and felt awful that it happened in front of a friend.

I don't think either option was wrong for you, and she may have been glad you stayed when everyone else had cancelled. It's hard to know what to say/do in these situations and if you're fairly new friends she may be feeling quite down about it today. Perhaps a message to see how she is?

Thepeopleversuswork · 14/12/2022 06:21

FlamingoSocks · 13/12/2022 22:59

She’d taken something.

She's addicted to heroin or some other sort of opioid. Classic hallmark of opioids is nodding off. I can't see any other explanation. If you were ill or super tired you'd just cancel surely?

Herejustforthisone · 14/12/2022 07:36

BabyOnBoard90 · 13/12/2022 23:50

A bunch of people cancelled, she had put together a feast and exhausted herself.

How are you a victim in this story? YABU

There’s no need to always be on the attack.

Thefriendlyone · 14/12/2022 07:43

I can’t lie I am also finding it odd you stayed when you knew she was so tired,and also that there is so little communication in the group thay the other two cancelled. You let them know you’d be late but they didn’t let you know they were not coming.

Wheresthebeach · 14/12/2022 07:57

I think you were in a really awkward position and she should have cancelled if she wasn’t up to it. Not being told the others had cancelled is odd I think. Not sure what time you left but hopefully you didn’t stay too late. If I was her, I’d be apologising.

MintJulia · 14/12/2022 08:12

Two years ago my boyfriend moaned bitterly that I kept falling asleep on him at 8pm. I had undiagnosed breast cancer. My immune system was working overtime and I was exhausted.

There are plenty of health conditions that have the same effect. Or she could just be stressed or not sleeping. She didn't do it on purpose.

It sounds like she needs a bit of support.

Talulah29 · 14/12/2022 08:15

I knew someone in their early 20’s who would regularly fall
asleep mid conversation in a variety of settings, including in a group, and then pick up the conversation where it was when they fell asleep.

It was at an extremely stressful & difficult time in their life and it hasn’t happened since that period of time so we believe it was stress related but it was very odd to experience!

quinceh · 14/12/2022 08:15

I too think she could apologise for your awkward and wasted evening, although I’d just chalk the whole thing up to experience on the whole.

Love that a PP thinks being on heroin is the only possible reason for being dozy. 🤣

BobLemon · 14/12/2022 08:16

I’m shocked at the lack of concern!!!

Christ, there’s something obviously wrong and you’re just concerned that you feel uncomfortable? I’m almost certain most of my mates would have been all about finding out why I was falling asleep. And abandoning any drinking/eating plans to help me out. I hope your friend has someone to look out for her.

Sleepygrumpyandnothappy · 14/12/2022 08:17

swappingwellies · 13/12/2022 23:59

@OnlyFannys that’s a good point you make. I should politely suggest a possible anaemia situation… I remember SIL complained of this quite a few years back.

No! You already made it weird by missing the cue to leave. Don’t start offering medical advice.

POTC · 14/12/2022 08:23

FlamingoSocks · 13/12/2022 22:59

She’d taken something.

I hope you're not that judgemental in everyday life!

I have narcolepsy, My biggest fear when I'm out is people thinking like you, seems it's not as ridiculous a fear as I hoped it was 😡