To be utterly raging?

[InvisibleDisability]

We’re currently living with my in laws while we have house renovations done. We’ve been here 3 and a half months so far and likely another 1-2 months to go.

it’s safe to say in my MIL’s eyes I’ve never really been good enough for her little Prince (my husband). She expects wives to wait hand and foot on their husbands especially if they’re “housewives”.

my children are 5 and almost 1. As anyone knows, getting out the house for school run for example is difficult no matter how neatly you’ve laid everything out the night before.

so imagine my feelings at being bollocked at this morning by MIL at the fact that I’m “too disorganised” (her words), that I shouldn’t ever ask husband for help because “he works and it’s your job as a housewife to sort the kids and the house” , that I need to learn to “pace myself better” (but bear in mind if I dare to lie down for a rest, it’s frowned upon that I’m not doing chores, but if I am trying to keep up with chores I’m told I should be pacing myself). Oh and the icing on the cake: I’m “really hard to live with like this”

now please note I work my absolute arse off trying to keep up with the standards of tidying, cleaning, laundry, ironing etc. (but of course she said “there’s no tidying to do” 🙄) after doing the morning school run I get errands done out of the house etc, basically anything to avoid getting in their way (they spend the first 2-3hrs each day reading the papers and don’t like to be disturbed) and then return late morning to feed baby lunch then it’s his nap time while I get jobs done then by the time he wakes it’s time to head off to collect daughter from school.

and on top of all this, I have various chronic physical illnesses which leave me exhausted obviously but oh that’s not an excuse! And “you shouldn’t let those things define you!”

im really hurt, I have been crying on and off all day. Pls tell me if I’m being unreasonable for reacting like this.

I wouldn’t dream of going to live with my in laws. Building projects always run over so that should have been factored in.

I’d have saved for and planned a build which I could afford to rent a house for the duration, like everyone else does. sounds like you’ve over committed yourself here! I think you are very fortunate, perhaps you should move to an Air bnb or similar for the remainder?

3.5 months is a long time to stay in their house. Have you got a working kitchen/bathroom? If so, move back.

Haha, this made me snort. Not everyone has enough money to afford to rent at the same time as cover the cost of works and mortgage. Loads of people do work and live in the house at the same time. Or move in with in laws. Stop being so sneery.

(Waits for the usual 'maybe you can't really afford to do the works if you haven't factored this in' comment)

YABU

My brother and sister in law moved back to the UK with my 7yo nephew and 1mo niece in April this year after living abroad for work. They were in the process of buying a house but needed time for all the paperwork to come through etc and with all the moving costs they were skint and while they could have rented somewhere it would have stretched their already tight budget and they only needed somewhere for a couple of months.

Both sets of parents offered for them to stay with them while they got sorted and everyone assumed they'd take my parents offer as they live in a large 5 bed detached house in a quiet area on the edge of town with front and back gardens, walking distance to my nephew's new school, 3 reception rooms as well as a purpose built bar/cinema at the bottom of the garden (so everyone could have had their own spaces but also spend time together as well), multiple bathrooms and just generally lots of space. Additionally my dad works offshore so most of the time it's literally just my mum in the house and she doesn't work so was always on hand to help with the kids but also has a thriving social life so not just at home 24/7.

Her parents house is a small 3 bed, one downstairs living room, kitchen diner, a tiny strip of grass in the front and paved back garden, one bathroom house on a council estate in the next town over (only a 10 min drive away but obviously more work for school run/shopping etc) with lots of busy roads and nowhere for the kids to play. Additionally both SILs parents work shifts, including nights, so not around to help and it just generally being a more awkward set up

However, my SiL wanted to stay with her parents, as she had not long had the baby and just wanted her mum (understandably) so they stayed there. Before I get jumped on I'm genuinely not trying to be disparaging about the ILs home as they are lovely people and I spend lots of time with them just trying to show how utterly unsuited the situation was practically to take in a family of 4 including a newborn - and dog - compared to the other option.

They moved out this week.

"A couple of months" turned into 8 months and by the end of it my brother and SIL could not wait to get out of her parents house and they couldn't wait to have them out as they had All. Had. Enough.

Nobody had done anything "wrong" they just were all struggling living on top of each other, getting used to the additional mess/noise/presence of extra people in the house; nobody getting any real privacy or peace and quiet as there was always someone in the house; finding space for all the extra things you need when you're sharing a space designed for one family especially with all the stuff a baby needs that takes up space (pram, moses basket, chairs, playmats, bottles/tubs of milk powder/prep machine all over the kitchen, washing daily etc etc) trying to decide what things will be shared and what will you all buy individually (eg do you all buy your own butter or share one? If you share, whose responsibility is it to buy it? If you have 3 different washing detergents, where do you store them all? Etc) How to split household bills when you've got 4 extra people using gas/electricity etc.Whose responsibility is it to coin every night - do you have to cook for the whole household or can everyone feed themselves? If you all cook for yourselves who has to do all the washing up when 2 people have cooked and are eating but there aren't any pans left for the next person to cook, but this happens every night and the third person ends up washing up twice etc etc

After a while all those little niggles just start building up and started turning into resentment, especially as the move overran significantly and they all felt like they were stuck with no control.

@melj1213 if your DB and SIL don't want to move in with your mum, I will, it sounds great! 😂

Where do you live that rent costs £3K pcm? If you're that unwell both medically and mentally having two kids is a horrible strain but as PPs have already said x1000, you all need to move out.

Your MIL must adore your DH , if she has put up with this for so long to help him.

you've overstayed your welcome, whether she is lovely or nasty, she and her husband have had their home disrupted for 6 months-imagine how you would feel if the positions were reversed🙄

Guys I've never mentioned a cleaner anywhere. I don't have one and also don't have a MIL.

I'm scratching my head at your comment. Who is that aimed at? At first I thought you were the OP but that makes no sense either 🤷🏻‍♀️

She doesn't sound awful to me, just fed up with having her house overrun for months. I'd heve turned into a raging psychopath by now. They've put you up for months probably saving you a fortune, they do some childcare, and here you are trashing them on Mumsnet.

That sounds awful! Are you able to move back into your house for the last of the renovations? We’ve had some serious renovations done whilst living in a house. It’s not ideal, but I appreciate don’t know what your renovations are and it might not be possible.

If your house has a roof and a toilet then move out immediately. Living in each others pockets is going to break your relationship with them beyond repair. I think personally you are expecting too much and it's quite a cheek