To be utterly raging?

[InvisibleDisability]

We’re currently living with my in laws while we have house renovations done. We’ve been here 3 and a half months so far and likely another 1-2 months to go.

it’s safe to say in my MIL’s eyes I’ve never really been good enough for her little Prince (my husband). She expects wives to wait hand and foot on their husbands especially if they’re “housewives”.

my children are 5 and almost 1. As anyone knows, getting out the house for school run for example is difficult no matter how neatly you’ve laid everything out the night before.

so imagine my feelings at being bollocked at this morning by MIL at the fact that I’m “too disorganised” (her words), that I shouldn’t ever ask husband for help because “he works and it’s your job as a housewife to sort the kids and the house” , that I need to learn to “pace myself better” (but bear in mind if I dare to lie down for a rest, it’s frowned upon that I’m not doing chores, but if I am trying to keep up with chores I’m told I should be pacing myself). Oh and the icing on the cake: I’m “really hard to live with like this”

now please note I work my absolute arse off trying to keep up with the standards of tidying, cleaning, laundry, ironing etc. (but of course she said “there’s no tidying to do” 🙄) after doing the morning school run I get errands done out of the house etc, basically anything to avoid getting in their way (they spend the first 2-3hrs each day reading the papers and don’t like to be disturbed) and then return late morning to feed baby lunch then it’s his nap time while I get jobs done then by the time he wakes it’s time to head off to collect daughter from school.

and on top of all this, I have various chronic physical illnesses which leave me exhausted obviously but oh that’s not an excuse! And “you shouldn’t let those things define you!”

im really hurt, I have been crying on and off all day. Pls tell me if I’m being unreasonable for reacting like this.

You're getting a hard time on here OP. I don't think your MIL should have made comments to you as she did. It must feel horrible to be criticised all the time.

I think you need to accept this is a tough situation and you are all finding it hard, sit down and talk about what you can do to make it more bearable. TBH I'd prefer to hire a caravan and live on my driveway than be told what to do all the time, though health problems and baby might not make that feasible!

You'll get through this, you just need to find the way that is the least bumpy route. I'd imagine your MIL is used to her own routines, sees you struggling and is trying to help so she's coming from a good place even if it's infuriating. She can bolllock off with the breadwinner does zilch in the house stuff, though.

She's being utterly ridiculous @InvisibleDisability but I think it's now on your DH to step up and say something to his Mom. Does HE want to be a hands off Dad who has no engagement with his kids beyond handing over a bank card? If not then he nerds to politely tell her to wind her neck in. If he DOES advocate his mother's ideas, you need to get back to work as soon as you can cos it's a DH problem.

As for overstaying your welcome, getting into massive debt it's really a solution is it. You're doing the best by your family keeping any decent roof over their head and it throwing thousands onto a credit card but perhaps DH needs to have a conversation about it and if they'd prefer you to move out

Not one post on here says you need to shut up and hide away.

You've been advised to see things from your PILs point of view, how hard it must be for them, how generous they've been, and how it would be better for everyone, especially you, if you found alternative accommodation.

I’m sure the 1950s would like her back. I’d be inclined to laugh at her outdated comments but probably not the best thing for long term harmony.
Get your builders to finish bathroom, kitchen and one room as a priority.
You can all sleep and live in one room if necessary and could even cook on a hot plate and microwave for a few weeks if the kitchen is too much to fix soon.
Id rather camp in a half finished house than live with your MIL.
Alternatively find a holiday rental that’s hopefully empty after Xmas and offer the owner what you can afford plus utilities.

The main question is is whether your DH agrees with her and doesn’t help or he’s your equal.

Why is this solely OPs choice? All this YOU'RE DOING THIS TO YOUR MIL nonsense as if HE isn't staying with HIS parents, who have obviously agreed to it and should talk to their son if it's become a problem rather than bit hung to OP about how she's a shit wife.

id find a winter break for xmas and get away to break up the time you have left there

Oh dear.

The sexist stuff is really difficult whether you are living in their house or not. And must be unbearable to live with.

But, you must have known what they were like before you moved in.

Will you need the childcare once your house is finished?

I think it is pretty kind of them to have you to stay for months, and do childcare, so vent away for now, but don’t burn bridges.

You and your DH made the decision to do extensive renovations at a time that you have a baby not in childcare, it was wholly predictable that the work would get delayed. Unless your house suffered some disaster and you had no choice you are presumably doing this for your ultimate benefit and gain.

So vent in private, try and see it from your ILs pov (they are allowed to read the paper, or practice their naked highland dancing or whatever else they to with their time, without judgement). And develop a few polite ways to say ‘ah well, we both expect it to be different in our marriage’ when she starts and other lighthearted / humour based replies.

Good luck!

@InvisibleDisability I too have mental health problems and long term deliberating illness but manage to work and look after my own home and attend medical appointments and support groups. Maybe working pt may help?

InvisibleDisability · Today 09:04
“Ok I get it, I really shouldn’t have asked for advice on here. I have mental health problems as well as physical health problems hence having a cleaner to help just with some of day to day stuff. Clearly this isn’t acceptable and I just need to shut up and hide away.
to those thinking I just leave a mess wherever I go, that is not the case, I am always tidying up as I go; breakfast stuff is never left out, in fact nothing is ever left out.”

OP if nothing is ever left out and you tidy everything as you go, what exactly is it that MIL is complaining about when she says you are too ‘disorganised’ ?
Is there anything you think you could do at all to improve the situation as she sees it ? Remember, it’s their home not yours so it really should be you and your DH to make the adjustments to improve things for your remaining time there.
Nobody is saying you need to hide away. The majority are answering with advice in good faith and with understanding of your predicament.

I'd be in jail if my mother in law ever spoke to me like that but there we are. i'm glad everyone's better than me. 😆

Where do you live? My parents rented a 4 bed house in a very expensive bit of London last year for £3500 pm.

You moved in to save yourselves money and it bit you on the arse.

Try to resist the urge to become childish and defensive in your responses to posters, OP.

There’s not many people who could live with parents/in laws for this length of time without getting on each others’ nerves. I love my son in law very much, but I think I’d manage a week with him before we’d annoy each other to death.

Dig deep. Can you get away for a week in the sun or something?

What happens after school? Is that what she's referring to? Do you flop on the settee and dh gets his own dinner when he gets in? Or are you running around cooking, cleaning, washing because you haven't done it during the day? I know these are extremes but I would ask her how she would do things if she were you. Maybe you are disorganised and not pacing yourself or this is her 'kindly' way of saying what she really thinks! Is she aware of your health problems?

Funny how they’re fine with their son and grandchildren staying.

They just see OP as houseworker.

Most people wouldn't put up with it. My MIL would be worse, she's a proper arsehole who thinks my only purpose in life is to care for her son. This is why I would never live with her.

The OP has history with her MIL so it was g never going to work.

I’m really sorry this has upset you so much @InvisibleDisability.

I don’t mean this to sound condescending, but when you’re a bit calmer, maybe you could approach MIL and ask her for specifics. What exactly does she mean when she says you’re ‘disorganised’? Can she offer any advice as to what she thinks you should be doing? Or is she offering to help? Maybe take the baby while you get the older kid ready and out the door for school?

Please share this with your husband. You make no mention of him apart from as the prince in his mother’s eyes. At the very least, he should be reinforcing to his mother that parenting and helping to look after the house is his work as much as yours, and that berating you is not on.

Like others have said I think you have outstayed your welcome. We stayed with in laws for 3 months when the children were very young as we were waiting to complete on our house. MIL was the most loveliest person you could ever meet but by the end we were all just bloody sick of each other. I am a bit disorganised where MIL was very organised so we ended up being frustrated which each other.
when we moved into our new home we got back into our normal relationship which was really good.
i stayed with my mother when I got divorced many moons ago, I lasted a week, don’t get me started on her behaviour during that week. I was actually homeless in the end but I could not stay another day in her house.
Look at the situation from her side and appreciate that they have offered a roof over your head and saved you a lot of money in the process

My friend has got the opposite of this just now - she is the MIL and it has wreaked havoc on their house, privacy and well being. It's far too long a period. If you want the extension then you have to include the potential rent for somewhere else.

If rent alone would be 3k per month, then for 5 months theya re saving you FIFTEEN THOUSAND POUNDS. REmind yourself of that and bite your tongue.

Anyone who could put up with 2 adults and 2 kids moving in for half a year is a better woman than me

What does your husband have to say about the things she says to you?

This, I don't get what the issue is, you are a sahm, your 5 yo gets herself ready in the morning, you have a cleaner, there's no mess being left, the ILs babysit so you can get to appointments? The only thing I can see would be an issue for me would be if it was my house would be the cleaner attending for my long term house guests. Do they do the whole house? Are the ILs happy with them being in their home?

3k a month in rent?! Rubbish. You can get a 2 bed place in London for less than that. Just move out.

Oh come off it OP, noone is saying that are they?

You MIL is out of line with her comments BUT you are acting like she has done nothing at all for you when in fact she's actively giving your help with your kids (even though you are a SAHM) and saving you 10s of thousands of pounds by letting her into her home.

You've been there for ages so it's no wonder everyone is getting on each others nerves, but you have to remember YOU created this situation, YOU could solve it by putting your hand in your pocket and your ILs are doing YOU a massive favour here.

I can’t imagine staying at my in laws for 5 nights let alone 5 months. Yikes!
Even living with my own mother for that long would test me to the limit, and I love my mum dearly.

No wonder tensions are high, this is just a pressure cooker situation all round. I have sympathy for both sides here.

Is your existing house useable at all, a functional loo and kitchen? I would rather camp there than carry on for another couple of months when it’s clear that the limit of hospitality has been crossed and it’s become an unhealthy dynamic all round.