To be utterly raging?

[InvisibleDisability]

We’re currently living with my in laws while we have house renovations done. We’ve been here 3 and a half months so far and likely another 1-2 months to go.

it’s safe to say in my MIL’s eyes I’ve never really been good enough for her little Prince (my husband). She expects wives to wait hand and foot on their husbands especially if they’re “housewives”.

my children are 5 and almost 1. As anyone knows, getting out the house for school run for example is difficult no matter how neatly you’ve laid everything out the night before.

so imagine my feelings at being bollocked at this morning by MIL at the fact that I’m “too disorganised” (her words), that I shouldn’t ever ask husband for help because “he works and it’s your job as a housewife to sort the kids and the house” , that I need to learn to “pace myself better” (but bear in mind if I dare to lie down for a rest, it’s frowned upon that I’m not doing chores, but if I am trying to keep up with chores I’m told I should be pacing myself). Oh and the icing on the cake: I’m “really hard to live with like this”

now please note I work my absolute arse off trying to keep up with the standards of tidying, cleaning, laundry, ironing etc. (but of course she said “there’s no tidying to do” 🙄) after doing the morning school run I get errands done out of the house etc, basically anything to avoid getting in their way (they spend the first 2-3hrs each day reading the papers and don’t like to be disturbed) and then return late morning to feed baby lunch then it’s his nap time while I get jobs done then by the time he wakes it’s time to head off to collect daughter from school.

and on top of all this, I have various chronic physical illnesses which leave me exhausted obviously but oh that’s not an excuse! And “you shouldn’t let those things define you!”

im really hurt, I have been crying on and off all day. Pls tell me if I’m being unreasonable for reacting like this.

Have you talked to your therapist about this and how to deal with the current situation & aftermath?
I would be directly telling her it is not 1950 nor is a health condition am excuse but apart of your life.
No one is intitled to treat you like this with a favorite our not.
Parenting styles is the easiest to criticism to throw at a mother I feel.
Whatever her version of events, get out of that place.
Change your routine before you go stir crazy and visit a friend.
Can she not help since you have it so wrong.
Your raising children one of the most devalued jobs ever!
These young people are humans with human era not robots like yourself.
No outstanding your welcome but staying to see the real person your mother inlaw is perhaps!
Hugs.....I would never stay with family again!

Even with the best will in the world and the nicest relatives, living together for so long would put a strain on both parties. Can you not move back to your house sooner? The renovations don’t have to be finished. You can work around them. Live in one or two rooms while they do the rest of the work. It will probably also speed the work up a bit as you’ll be there to ‘watch’ them. As you’re not there, they probably think there’s not a super-rush.

What does she do you help you?
Gave them some where to live is a pretty big help and saved them about 30k is not insignificant.
Why does she need to do more. OP would be looking after her children and tiding up whether she was was here or somewhere else.
Also there are usually 3 sides to every story, yours, theirs and fact.
I cant think of many people who would be happy with a family moving in and not moving out when expected. I know it's not ops fault things have run out but I would have been at raging point by now with the OP for just being there still.

What are you and OP doing to show gratitude for helping out. Have you treated them? What have you done to make life easier for them while you are there.

She sounds like a nasty old fashioned woman OP. I’d be telling her that you’ll ask your husband to ‘help’ with his is own children because that’s what good fathers do. As for the rest, ignore them, make sure you’re keeping things as organised and tidy as possible but other than that roll your eyes and carry on. My partner would have told my MIL to stop picking at everything, get your partner to have a word with her. Just because you’re staying there doesn’t means she gets to act like a total bitch to you.

I pray the your house is ready soon, go home as soon as possible, the house doesn’t need to be perfect, just safe and liveable. We lived in our house with a young child while we had builders in for 4 months. It wasn’t my favourite few months but so much better than the thought of living with PIL. 😬

Rereading all the OP's posts.
What has actually been said?
We don't know. But it's clearly something along the lines of her (the OP) needing to pull her weight more while living in someone else's house. Which is fair enough if she isn't. And again, doing the school run and putting the cereal bowls away doesn't really cut it.
4 extra people create a fuckton of extra mess, noise etc. They just do.

Other threads show that OP has previous for the MIL hate and I'd take everything she says with a large pinch of salt.

According to this and OP's other threads ...

• provide a free roof over their head
• shares the cooking
• shares the cleaning
• babysits while OP goes to appointments
• plays with the children "all the time"

OP has a cleaner as well. I appreciate that she has a chronic condition and living in someone else's home is not easy, but it doesn't sound like she is run off her feet.

You still haven’t answered the question about your house - is it possible to go back and live in one room ?

Also to clarify , you have a cleaner ? Did you organize this for your MIL house ? Why ?
Sounds really weird.

I would be annoyed if someone was living with me , not working and paying money to someone else to clean … why not do the cleaning yourself ?

Tbh I think I would be irritated if my Ds and DIL were living with me rent free and I watched my DS go out to work full time and pay for a cleaner when all my DIL had to do was the school run. She is saving you money and you are paying for a cleaner when you could be doing that yourself.

Tbh her attitude towards housewives doesn't really matter. What she probably sees is that you're off out of the house for hours every day (whilst you're avoiding them reading the newspapers) and then rushing about trying to get organised the rest of the time. That does make you look disorganised.

As a PP said they're saving you fortunes in rent. You have all overstayed your welcome by months and your approach to organising your time and your DCs really doesn't match how she would do it. Normally that doesn't matter - my MIL wouldn't agree with my approach to anything - but it does matter when you're living on top of each other in their house. You either need to toughen up or move out. Living with ILs doesn't cost money but it does cost emotionally.

I dont get this at all, over the last 6 years I have had new windows and doors, 3 new roofs, 2 new bathrooms, a new kitchen, a full rewire, a new heating system and all new plumbing throughout(in the middle of november) a log burner installed, walls knocked down, rooms split into two and pretty much everything else you can think of for a full reno, plus running a business from home.

There are 6 of us and not once have we spent even 1 night away, we just moved from room to room. I cant for the ;life of me work out why op would need to leave for 6 months

I agree.

It's very difficult having someone, even someone you love, come into your home for any length of time.

They have their ways, you have yours. You rub each other up the wrong way and don't get a chance to get out from under each others' feet.

You really would be best either moving out (best option) or biting your tongue if you can't move out.

I get on really well with my PIL but I could not live in their house with them for 3-5 months- we'd definitely fall out. Can you at least have a break somewhere over Christmas? Do you know anyone who is going away for a few days and might let you 'house-sit'?

You sound a bit ungrateful.she's saved you money and you've been in her house for almost half a year. Is this how she would describe the story?

Agree that you've outstayed your welcome and she thinks it's time you should leave and I'd be inclined to agree. She has done you a huge favour, saved you a lot of money and you have no right to complain.

She didn't owe you anything or have to let you all stay there. I'd be tearing my hair out too - especially if you were at home all day in my house!

Hmm. Some of the responses on here are weird and like out of another era. As others have said 5 or 6 months in another's house is horrendous. The fact it's your inlaws and you are a SAHM puts you in a very difficult and powerless position. It's hard for you to keep out of their way or not get under their feet. On the other hand, they aren't your parents so it's hard for you to be relaxed (on both sides) or fit in comfortably with how each other does things.

I disagree with a lot of the other people here. I think it's totally unacceptable for someone to say such interfering things about you in your relationship. Why shouldn't your husband help? You have two small children. You have a small baby. So what he works? If you are struggling, and there are many reasons you might be and which people should be far more understanding about, then of course you should ask for help. Noone should make you feel ashamed for that. It is also none of her actual business how your relationship is organised between your husband and you.

Maybe she got irritated with you for whatever reason and just snapped. Which might be fine with her own grown up child maybe, but not with you unless you know each other extremely well, as it's hard to get over such things in that position. I'm not saying it's the end of the world if she snapped. It happens and bound to maybe with so much strain with people living in her house for ages beyond what she agreed. But it didn't mean you just have to be passive and accept such remarks.

You are in an awful powerless position though, which you and your husband seem to have chosen. I think you should look into moving somewhere else or else this is in danger of spoiling your relationship long term and she sounds like she and FIL have been a big help and also minded the baby for you. It would be a terrible shame to spoil that relationship. If you could be very controlled about it you could try talking about it to her directly in a grown-up way. Something along the lines of, "I know we are here longer than intended and I'm very sorry for that and very grateful to all you have done to help us and I do appreciate that. I want us to have a good relationship going forward. But I can't have you speak to me like you did this morning. If there are things I can do to make things easier whilst we are here I will try my utmost to do them, but I don't appreciate comments about my relationship which is private and between me and x. We live in the 21st century and asking a father to help out with his kids is perfectly reasonable and how I ask my own partner for support is between me and my husband." Or something. Then buy her a big bunch of flowers to say thanks for all she has been doing for you. Basically she is doing a lot for you, BUT that doesn't mean she gets to say things that are not on to you. Who knows, she may have to stay with you in the future for a while, so you never know when these situations will flip and change.

But if you went down this line then you might have to be prepared to move elsewhere if she took offence. But I think with calmness, you should be able to acknowledge the difficulty of the situation, their helpfulness to you whilst not accepting that they be commenting on how you and your husband decide to organise things in the morning.

Your question was are you unreasonable for reacting the way you have. I take that to be crying all day? It sounds like you feel quite vulnerable OP. And you mentioned other issues. So maybe you have taken something annoying and unreasonable yes, but taken it far too much to heart. I understand why because you probably feel trapped and powerless. Which is why doing something measured and standing up for yourself, whilst not being unfair, might make you feel more in control. She might well know she crossed a line through irritation. It might be better to stand up for yourself in a measured and calm way than cry all day or let things fester. But only you know the people involved and how they might react and its easy to talk about being calm and measured in the abstract but can be hard in real life. But I'm just saying it is possible to think she's both done you a favour and has attitudes you don't agree with at the same time. You don't need to let it get to you so much. But I understand why it might in your current situation. Good luck OP. Ignore any mean comments on this thread.

I think you need a chat with your MiL about her standards and expectations while you're in her home. This shouldn't be focused on what you or your husband respectively do as thats none of her business. The focus should be on what she wants from you as a couple in terms of orgsnisation, chores and so on.
This will be largely up to her, as guests in her home, she holds the cards, so you will either have to comply with her wishes or leave.
When you know what she wants, then you and your husband can divide the work up between you as you see fit. Any criticism from her of how much he does should be countered by him pointing out that as long as its done it makes no difference by whom.

But you were happy to move in with her??????

Suck it up, or move out.

You are taking advantage of being able to live there, which means you need to deal with and bite your tongue over difference of opinion over lifestyle.

In other circumstances yanbu, but in choosing to live there you need to accept it.

As soon as School breaks up, go and stay with your family for a few days. Or go for a long weekend this weekend with just the baby if your DH can do school run Friday evening and Monday morning + weekend with your older child.

A blessed life because as someone with a chronic physical illness with young kids she has a cleaner??

OP you're obviously frustrated living there. Go to a hotel if you can't go home.

What does your husband say about the situation?

OP, be kind to yourself. You are doing the best you can under stressful circumstances. And all with a little one in tow. I'm pretty sure 'housewife' advice would send me over the edge in your circumstances.

Just try and rise above it. You are nearly there and hopefully you can set up some boundaries between you and PIL again once you move back home.

I'm rubbish at housework. I just own it these days and don't beat myself up about it. Thankfully, my MIL pretends she doesn't notice

I don't really understand the reference to a cleaner. Does the OP have a cleaner at her PILs house? Or does she mean usually at her own house and she's coping without now?

She is paying a cleaner to clean her PILs house.

Thanks @ZeroFuchsGiven for that. I'm still confused because in the opening post the OP said she works her absolute arse off cleaning. I guess the truth lies somewhere between the OP's and the MIL's version of events 😂

I have a cleaner. We still have lots of laundry, washing up, surfaces need daily wipe, sinks and kitchen floors need a wipe between visits etc. OP is probably doing the maximum that she can, she just needs to understand that it can still be hard for PIL to share the house, while it's hard for her too. That's nobody's fault, it's genuinely hard to share with others. They're all stressed, tempers get frayed, that's unfortunate but would happen to many of us on either side of this situation.