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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be utterly raging?

188 replies

InvisibleDisability · 12/12/2022 19:42

We’re currently living with my in laws while we have house renovations done. We’ve been here 3 and a half months so far and likely another 1-2 months to go.

it’s safe to say in my MIL’s eyes I’ve never really been good enough for her little Prince (my husband). She expects wives to wait hand and foot on their husbands especially if they’re “housewives”.

my children are 5 and almost 1. As anyone knows, getting out the house for school run for example is difficult no matter how neatly you’ve laid everything out the night before.

so imagine my feelings at being bollocked at this morning by MIL at the fact that I’m “too disorganised” (her words), that I shouldn’t ever ask husband for help because “he works and it’s your job as a housewife to sort the kids and the house” , that I need to learn to “pace myself better” (but bear in mind if I dare to lie down for a rest, it’s frowned upon that I’m not doing chores, but if I am trying to keep up with chores I’m told I should be pacing myself). Oh and the icing on the cake: I’m “really hard to live with like this”

now please note I work my absolute arse off trying to keep up with the standards of tidying, cleaning, laundry, ironing etc. (but of course she said “there’s no tidying to do” 🙄) after doing the morning school run I get errands done out of the house etc, basically anything to avoid getting in their way (they spend the first 2-3hrs each day reading the papers and don’t like to be disturbed) and then return late morning to feed baby lunch then it’s his nap time while I get jobs done then by the time he wakes it’s time to head off to collect daughter from school.

and on top of all this, I have various chronic physical illnesses which leave me exhausted obviously but oh that’s not an excuse! And “you shouldn’t let those things define you!”

im really hurt, I have been crying on and off all day. Pls tell me if I’m being unreasonable for reacting like this.

OP posts:
Theluggage15 · 12/12/2022 20:03

I feel sorry for them not you. You should have rented somewhere or lived in the house while it’s being done up.

gamerchick · 12/12/2022 20:03

I'd be sorting out the essentials and putting up living in a building site than put up with that

Or you can slam on the anchors, stop doing so much and just keep out of their way.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 12/12/2022 20:04

I am organised and calm otherwise I wouldn’t be calm.

I couldn’t deal with disorganised chaos in my own home for almost 6 months, sorry.

GreenManalishi · 12/12/2022 20:06

Time for an Airbnb. I love my parents dearly and we get on great, but there is absolutely no way I would even consider moving into their house with partner and kids in tow for more than a couple of nights.

Your expectations of this were huge, I'd add on another few grand onto the renovations budget to allow for housing the family and get out while the going is still reasonably good.

StrawberryWater · 12/12/2022 20:10

She wants you to move out. You all spending 5 months in her house is clearly getting to her.

That said she should sit you BOTH down not just unload on you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/12/2022 20:13

A premier inn would have been better and cheaper. Why either of you would ask to live with them when you know she doesn’t think much of you already was mad. And it’s not a done now thing if you’re nearly doubling your stay there. They must be going spare, I would be. What happens if it’s not done in 2 more months?!

It sounds like an awful environment for all of you, including the children.

So what if they like reading the papers for hours in the morning? It’s their house, their morning. In addition to free housing you’re also getting free babysitting for both work and appointments. They might be difficult but they’re not treating you badly are they, and you’d be screwed without them.

PoseyFlump · 12/12/2022 20:14

I'd love to hear your MIL's version. Are you saying you do all the housework and your in laws do nothing? Or just keeping your own room/stuff tidy?

ICanHideButICantRun · 12/12/2022 20:20

I would really struggle if I was in your position or your MIL's position. I couldn't stand it. How much would an airbnb cost?

Loics · 12/12/2022 20:21

To be fair, if they're retired and you're also there almost all the time, I can imagine they're not enjoying not really having their space to themselves. Young children are really full on when they're around 24/7 too.
They also expected you to be moving out around now, I have to say I'd be very fed up in their shoes and would be thinking how to kindly tell you all to move out and rent until your house is ready.

ChillysWaterBottle · 12/12/2022 20:25

YANBU. Them helping their own son, daughter in law and grandchildren out for a limited time does not mean they get to talk to you like that. That's not how family works. What does your husband say?

Zombiemum1946 · 12/12/2022 20:27

Move to a hotel/BB/Airbnb for at least some of the time. You all need a break from each other. What it may cost you in money will be worth each others sanity. At least try to get away somewhere for Xmas. I wish we hadn't moved in with my parents when I was long term sick, and then when renovating our house. Add to that when we sold our house unexpectedly quickly and moved in with my very recently widowed father. Time for a bit of self care for everyone call it a Xmas present for all.

CarefreeMe · 12/12/2022 20:27

YANBU

But you are living in her house and they are doing you a massive favour.

Just remember that this will be over soon and you’ll soon be back in your own home.

Windtunnel · 12/12/2022 20:32

Don't take her criticisms to heart! None of what she says is true so why let it bother you? Try and see a friend soon and do something fun, maybe a day away?

Coatdegroan · 12/12/2022 20:35

I was gong to suggest setting up one room as best you can on the place you are doig up and staying there a couple of nights a week- and then renting an air b n b from time to time to break things up for everyone. We did our house up when we had a 10, 5 and 2 Yr old it was very very basic and we only had one heated room but at least no parents in-law to deal with. A Woodburner makes anything tolerable. But camping at weekends might be a good balance.

Sounds like she isn't very kind though.

Abitofalark · 12/12/2022 20:36

When the raw upset subsides a bit, try not to take it personally. Take the emotion out of it and treat it as a situational and practical problem that affects them as much as you. It's clearly caused by the stress of the house sharing situation and the tension of that has come to a head and burst out after three months.

My brother and his new wife tried living in my family home with our parents while they were having a house built. It did not work out between my mother and my brother's wife so the couple moved into a caravan at the bottom of our garden. Problem solved. You've had three months there which has saved you a bit of money. See if you can buy or rent a caravan for a month or two to put an end to the strain on everyone. And if you can manage it, don't hold it against your husband's mother.

BirmaBrite · 12/12/2022 20:37

She is probably as fed up with the situation as you are !

Neither of you are enjoying this enforced cohabitation are you ? They are used to lazy mornings, not the school run chaos and babies, but they are also being incredibly generous providing you with free accommodation and occasional babysitting, so have a cry and then start counting down to when you are in your lovely new home and you can both breathe easy again.

Facecream · 12/12/2022 20:42

There’s got to be a way you can live in your home OP - basic as it may be..

Luckyducker · 12/12/2022 21:06

If I had a family of 4 living with me for months I'd be a real charmer too.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 12/12/2022 21:18

She sounds like a right horrible mean person and how does she think it is ok to speak to you like that. Would she dare talk to someone else like that. I really understand where you are coming from and yes it is her house but that does not give her the right to be so rude and a right old cow to you at all in any shape or form with her snidey put downs. Is there any way you could go and stay with your children to any of your family for a bit as living there is not good for your mental health at all. Please try to get some rest when you can. Does your husband know how she is with you and how she talks to you and how she expects you to act like a maid for your husband. Sorry you are going through this difficult time and so difficult how to handle it. I would be moving back into your own place even if one room only ready as it would be easier than having to be there. Take care.

ButterCrackers · 12/12/2022 21:22

She could help with the kids in the morning instead of complaining. Tell her that as a housewife herself and a grandmother as well she should have a cooked breakfast waiting for the kids and the lunchbox. Turn comments around to herself. I hope that you can go back to your own house soon.

Cats23 · 12/12/2022 21:23

I would move out 100%!!
I'd actually say moving to a B&B ia surely better than staying!

parietal · 12/12/2022 21:28

if you can't move out, you'll have to learn to be deaf to all her comments. Just let them slide off you - water off a duck's back. Train yourself in nodding without listening and get on with your day. you can't control her comments but you can try not to react, so pretend she is not talking to you at all, she is talking to the window. just focus on your kids and on getting your house fixed up as fast as possible.

Also, can you get even a bit of time away from her? even a few days at New Year might give everyone a break.

Mummapenguin20 · 12/12/2022 21:42

What’s your husband said

rosemarysalter · 12/12/2022 21:44

start looking for an air bnb immediately

echt · 12/12/2022 21:44

I'd be sitting her down and asking exactly what you're doing that's making you hard to live with, so it can be made better. With your husband next to you.