To be utterly raging?

[InvisibleDisability]

We’re currently living with my in laws while we have house renovations done. We’ve been here 3 and a half months so far and likely another 1-2 months to go.

it’s safe to say in my MIL’s eyes I’ve never really been good enough for her little Prince (my husband). She expects wives to wait hand and foot on their husbands especially if they’re “housewives”.

my children are 5 and almost 1. As anyone knows, getting out the house for school run for example is difficult no matter how neatly you’ve laid everything out the night before.

so imagine my feelings at being bollocked at this morning by MIL at the fact that I’m “too disorganised” (her words), that I shouldn’t ever ask husband for help because “he works and it’s your job as a housewife to sort the kids and the house” , that I need to learn to “pace myself better” (but bear in mind if I dare to lie down for a rest, it’s frowned upon that I’m not doing chores, but if I am trying to keep up with chores I’m told I should be pacing myself). Oh and the icing on the cake: I’m “really hard to live with like this”

now please note I work my absolute arse off trying to keep up with the standards of tidying, cleaning, laundry, ironing etc. (but of course she said “there’s no tidying to do” 🙄) after doing the morning school run I get errands done out of the house etc, basically anything to avoid getting in their way (they spend the first 2-3hrs each day reading the papers and don’t like to be disturbed) and then return late morning to feed baby lunch then it’s his nap time while I get jobs done then by the time he wakes it’s time to head off to collect daughter from school.

and on top of all this, I have various chronic physical illnesses which leave me exhausted obviously but oh that’s not an excuse! And “you shouldn’t let those things define you!”

im really hurt, I have been crying on and off all day. Pls tell me if I’m being unreasonable for reacting like this.

If where you live renting costs £3000 a month, as you say, your PILs are basically gifting you £15k by letting you live with them for 5 months!

that is extremely generous of them, and I also imagine annoying at times, for both of you…

Do you all eat together? Who cooks and cleans?

I’d try to let the negative comments be like water sliding off a ducks back and try really hard to make it work

tough situation for all involved

They must be a lot of house improvements to be away for so long, you need to find alternative arrangements or get your dh to speak to his mum

The generally accepted idea in 2022 is that during working hours the SAHM gets stuff done, but anything that can't be done in the working parent's work and commute hours is split 50/50. That's what is genuinely fair.

Your DH needs to talk to her and make it clear that while you are grateful to stay with them, she shouldn't compare your marriage and family set up to hers, because yours is an equal partnership and he doesn't expect you to wait on him and and foot.

Unless he does. If that's the case, you have a DH problem not a MIL one.

SO you don't like her - and yet you live with her because it saves YOU money. You don't live with her because you enjoy her company, respect her, want to contribute to making her life easier. The ONLY reason you are there is because YOU want free accommodation for your family while your house gets done.

You own a house, you are renovating it so you are not poor. You chose to do it this way as it means your money goes further. And then just added another couple of months... and she's the bitch????

If she chooses to read the paper in her own home - that's fine. You are presumably choosing to MN in your own time.
I think anyone would be "a bitch" if someone who clearly didn't like them moved in for months and did things in their own way in my house.

How about booking a week at a time in a travel lodge or AirBnB to give them a break from you all, and you some time without them?

You could fit in a week before Christmas and then one afterwards. Having the weeks in the diary will help you all focus on keeping the peace in the meantime.

Is it really not feasible to camp out in various rooms at your house, assuming you're not having work on the whole house all at once?
I agree with other posters that she's probably getting irked that you're all still on top of each other and no end in sight imminently.
I don't agree with her views on 'women's work' though.

We stayed with my sister for 6 weeks whilst waiting for our house. I wasn’t working, we kept Ds at nursery as my bil wfh. It was an absolute nightmare.
You’ve outstayed your welcome. I wouldn’t be raging, I’d be moving out.

Oh dear. The issue is that you have massively outstayed your welcome and PIL desperately want their own space back. Ideally we all stay polite, even when someone is winding us up on a daily basis for months, but MIL has cracked under the pressure. It's best to acknowledge it openly as not being about you as such, but about the frustration of not having their home to themselves. Perhaps suggest ideas for how everyone can try to give each other a bit more space, INCLUDING PIL, because it is their home after all.

As for mornings, why is it tricky to get out and can you reorganise or get up a bit earlier? We found DS faffed about getting dressed after breakfast, so we make him dress before now when he's motivated by being hungry. A friend wakes her DC at 8.15, but is always late and can't appear to see the connection that 8.15 is just not leaving enough time for breakfast etc.

I am baffled by what work is being done to make you move out for 6 months. You could build a house from scratch in that time.

Advising the OP to move out isn’t an option as she’s said (cost, inconvenience etc)

The question OP is, do you want to resolve this so it isn’t an issue in the future, or are you happy to feel this way on and off for the next 2 months?

If you want to sort it, you need to get to a place of calm before you do. There are a few options:

1. speak to MIL yourself directly, clearly explaining your feelings. Start with: When you…. I feel…. I need to… And I’d like you to…

For example, “when you tell me I should be more organised, it makes me feel like I’m failing as a parent and upsets me. I need to feel like I’m on top of things and I would like you to not comment on my disorganisation in the future.”

2. speak to DH and explain how you’re feeling. It’s unclear if he knows what is happening. Again, be clear with how you’re feeling using the phrases above. You’ve posted here saying you’re “raging” but what is it in particular that has got you raging in the last 24 hours.

3. practice breathing techniques and counting to 10 when MIL says things. Not saying anything is an art form, practice makes perfect. See image attached to consider when in the heat of the moment!

Move out. Live your own life and not with them. You have all been there too long. Yes she sounds awful and judgemental but best way to sort this is to move into rental or back into home whilst rest of work is being done.

PS They have saved you a fortune in money so I'd just ignore if you like saving money or woman up and move out.

It doesn't seem to be about them reading newspapers, though. Family doing you a favour doesn't mean they get to be rude to you whenever they want!

*speak to MIL yourself directly, clearly explaining your feelings. Start with:

When you….

I feel….
I need to…
And I’d like you to…*

This can be a good approach normally. I think here it’s likely to add fuel to the fire- if I were the MIL and utterly fed up of having a family of four in my house who’ve overstayed on the agreed timetable and show no sign of moving out, someone giving me a patronising lecture in my own home about what I’m allowed to say would tip me right over the edge.

Your PILs have done you a great kindness and saved you £18k. It is completely foreseeable that this arrangement would be stressful not only for your family of 4 but for your in-laws as well. You need to thank the in-laws for their generosity and move to more suitable alternative accommodation.

I think she has been a bloody angel to have had the two of you, plus 2 young kids staying in her house for so long.
Yes, you should have made alternative arrangements.
Yes, she has saved you a fortune in rent.
Perhaps try showing abit of gratitude instead of moaning and whining behind her back.

Totallly agree, as the mil is going to do the same back. The mil has already told her they are struggling to live with the op , so there is clearly two sides to this story

they need to leave.

I’m 42 and still remember when I was 7, when me, my parents and my brother moved in with my grandparents whilst my parents had an extension put on their house. It was a nightmare as my Nan picked my SAHM up on everything, my Mum ended up grabbing us and moving back to our house, dust and all. If you can, go home and put up with the dirt and dust.

As a mum of adult children who have all moved out my sympathies are with your MIL. You don’t mention if your PIL are in good health, they may be very tired and just need their own space back. I have health conditions which mean I would be in pain and exhausted if I was picking up the slack of cooking and cleaning for an extra 4 people.

I think you need to do more and appreciate how much they have done for you if there is no alternative to staying longer.

@InvisibleDisability just seen your other thread whinging about your mil. I laughed when you said you had a cleaner you live a blessed life while your poor DH works his tits off

You sound like hard work.

You also sound incredibly ungrateful

OP, I don’t blame them for wanting the peace of reading their papers undisturbed in the morning. The hassle of a young family must be noisy and exhausting, and after all those months this oasis of calm may be the only way they can cope.

Is your MIL being unreasonable and/or rude? Yes, but she’s probably at the end of her rope and wishing she no longer had house guests, so is lashing out without thinking. As we get older, we become increasingly aware of how short life is and how little time we have left, so she and her DH must be very keen to return to having a nice easy, peaceful life at their age. It was extremely kind of them to let you stay for months on end; so many wouldn’t have. Her views on SAHMs are hers to have, however unpalatable they may be to others.

I feel for you, it must be so hard, but you really need to move out, OP.

Ok I get it, I really shouldn’t have asked for advice on here. I have mental health problems as well as physical health problems hence having a cleaner to help just with some of day to day stuff. Clearly this isn’t acceptable and I just need to shut up and hide away.

to those thinking I just leave a mess wherever I go, that is not the case, I am always tidying up as I go; breakfast stuff is never left out, in fact nothing is ever left out.

Oh, I’ve just seen that your ILs play with your children “non stop” when you’re around.

The bastards 🤔

@InvisibleDisability your MIL sounds like an arse but you knew she was an arse before you moved in. It is also very stressful for her to have a family of 4 move in for longer than anticipated.

No one is downplaying your difficulties but this situation was never going to be easy.

Ultimately they're doing you a massive favour and have saved you a significant amount of money, this means unfortunately that you need to be the one who does the vast majority of the compromising and if that doesn't work you need to find somewhere else to live.