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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be utterly raging?

188 replies

InvisibleDisability · 12/12/2022 19:42

We’re currently living with my in laws while we have house renovations done. We’ve been here 3 and a half months so far and likely another 1-2 months to go.

it’s safe to say in my MIL’s eyes I’ve never really been good enough for her little Prince (my husband). She expects wives to wait hand and foot on their husbands especially if they’re “housewives”.

my children are 5 and almost 1. As anyone knows, getting out the house for school run for example is difficult no matter how neatly you’ve laid everything out the night before.

so imagine my feelings at being bollocked at this morning by MIL at the fact that I’m “too disorganised” (her words), that I shouldn’t ever ask husband for help because “he works and it’s your job as a housewife to sort the kids and the house” , that I need to learn to “pace myself better” (but bear in mind if I dare to lie down for a rest, it’s frowned upon that I’m not doing chores, but if I am trying to keep up with chores I’m told I should be pacing myself). Oh and the icing on the cake: I’m “really hard to live with like this”

now please note I work my absolute arse off trying to keep up with the standards of tidying, cleaning, laundry, ironing etc. (but of course she said “there’s no tidying to do” 🙄) after doing the morning school run I get errands done out of the house etc, basically anything to avoid getting in their way (they spend the first 2-3hrs each day reading the papers and don’t like to be disturbed) and then return late morning to feed baby lunch then it’s his nap time while I get jobs done then by the time he wakes it’s time to head off to collect daughter from school.

and on top of all this, I have various chronic physical illnesses which leave me exhausted obviously but oh that’s not an excuse! And “you shouldn’t let those things define you!”

im really hurt, I have been crying on and off all day. Pls tell me if I’m being unreasonable for reacting like this.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 13/12/2022 04:13

I can’t even imagine what you are having done that has made your house uninhabitable for six months! It must be a massive job and in that case I think you should have factored in alternative accommodation costs.

I also thought it was generally accepted that the person in a couple who is not going out to work did do most of the chores at home. Anyway I think they are entitled to share their views with people that are occupying their home for such a long time. I think you have a real cheek complaining when you (all of you) have imposed yourselves like this because it saves you money.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 13/12/2022 05:03

I don't understand what type of renovations you are having that you can't remain in the house while they're being done?

I would move back home ASAP. It really truly is not worth what your MIL is putting you through, absolutely nothing is worth this. Go home today.

marcopront · 13/12/2022 05:14

I live overseas and when I go to the UK I live with my Dad. He regularly tells me things I am doing that annoy him. Sometimes it upsets me but I would never be raging. His house his rules.

Fuwari · 13/12/2022 05:41

I do think there’s two sides to this story. Sorry OP but you do sound like hard work. Not many of us do well with someone “under our feet” day in and out for months on end, so it sounds like she just snapped. It also sounds as if you find your life more difficult than maybe you should. So this is where the clash has come in. She’s bluntly told you to get it together. Whether that’s reasonable or not I can’t say. But yes, it’s time to move out. Work around the renovations or rent somewhere for the last few weeks. You’ve still saved a lot of money up until now.

knittingaddict · 13/12/2022 05:46

Theydoyaknow · 12/12/2022 19:52

You are there a VERY long time. Her head must be melted..

This.

Much as I love my family I would be tearing my hair out at this stage and in a perpetual state of annoyance. Poor mil.

PAFMO · 13/12/2022 05:48

Aprilx · 13/12/2022 04:13

I can’t even imagine what you are having done that has made your house uninhabitable for six months! It must be a massive job and in that case I think you should have factored in alternative accommodation costs.

I also thought it was generally accepted that the person in a couple who is not going out to work did do most of the chores at home. Anyway I think they are entitled to share their views with people that are occupying their home for such a long time. I think you have a real cheek complaining when you (all of you) have imposed yourselves like this because it saves you money.

Ooooh not on Mumset!
We're all so emancipated that not only do we get to choose not to go to work, but when the husband gets home he then has to get the hoover out and look after the kids. Hadn't you read the memo?

In real life obviously 😉 things are a little more normal.

I'd be interested in hearing what the OP's "keeping on top of things" in her rent free accomodation consists of. Because it sounds like she looks after her own family's stuff. But the increased 4-fold general house/cleaning/cooking stuff. Who is doing that?

KatherineJaneway · 13/12/2022 06:35

Where's your Dh in all this?

TugboatAnnie · 13/12/2022 06:36

It sounds like you are leaving the kitchen/ communal areas in disarray until the afternoon. If this is the case then it impacts the Pils if they prefer the 'tidy up as you're going along' approach. I'm imagining myself wanting to prepare lunch and the worktops and sink area are still full of breakfast stuff because you are out and won't be back for a couple of hours. Apologies if this is not the case but it sounds like maybe they are doing all the compromising and now it looks like going on longer than expected it's not surprising that something's at last been said.

DarceyG · 13/12/2022 06:42

I had a friend stay for a week and to be honest I wanted to throttle her by the end of one week. I was getting really irritated by her. I could not cope with 2 children moving in. Sorry, my neighbours child screaming all hours drives me insane and that’s next door.

olympicsrock · 13/12/2022 06:50

I’m quite surprised at this reaction. It isn’t that easy to be perfectly organised and on time on the morning even if things are laid out the night before.
There are last minute nappy changes, need for show and tell etc.
Just because MIL is having OP to stay it doesn’t give her free range to be critical. I would not want to have to be out all morning straight from the school run so PIL can read the paper in peace . It doesn’t give her much time to get herself ready before going out.

Time to move out.

speakout · 13/12/2022 06:53

Than don't stay in her house OP.

carefulcalculator · 13/12/2022 06:55

It doesn't matter if you have outstayed the expected period, she was unspeakably rude to say those things to you. They are not acceptable things to say to a family member if you want to stay on good terms.

Your DH needs to sort this out with her. It is a decision between him and her that you all stayed there, you should not be caught in the corssfire.

Once you have left, stop trying to please her and keep it minimal. Anyone dismissing a diagnosed condition etc is a bad egg.

TabithaTittlemouse · 13/12/2022 06:57

I feel for all of you.
we recently had close family stay for a few months and although it had nice bits it definitely began to affect our relationship. We didn’t get to squabbling point but there was lots of tongue biting going on.
I just kept thinking that it will be over soon, don’t say anything you’ll regret!

What does your Dh say?

iloveeverykindofcat · 13/12/2022 07:06

This is why you shouldn't accept favours from some people, and this is an absolutely massive favour.

purpleypinkwitch · 13/12/2022 07:16

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Bestcatmum · 13/12/2022 07:16

There is no way I'd be living there. I stayed in my home while it was being renovated. Even though it was a mess.

Mygirlruby · 13/12/2022 07:33

I feel really sorry for you, OP. Staying with anyone is hard work even for a weekend,so 3 months with two small children sounds like a total nightmare. That works both ways though and your in-laws will undoubtedly be feeling the strain too so no wonder people become unguarded, nippy and impatient. You're disrupting their lifestyle and you can't live as you want with them. Let's face it, these set ups never work, but needs must I guess

LAMPS1 · 13/12/2022 07:35

Well it’s been said now and I doubt she will apologise because in her head, she sees you struggling with ‘housewifey’ duties and thinks she is being kind in giving you advice to do things her way.
i think you have to try to forget her words if you can..or at least act as though you have. Maybe your DH can talk to her to ask her to back off a bit and she will soften her rigid criticism. I hope he is supporting you with this upset.
Otherwise, I hope it’s a big enough house that you can hide away doing ironing in your own rooms while you lick your wounds and re-gather your courage and resolve to work your way out of this awful atmosphere.
How does it work with food prep? Are you at her mercy at meal times too. I would find that very difficult.
Its another two months OP. Maybe less if you can move back in before all the work is completed. Get through it as best you can with a smile for everybody. Try to live to her routine and her standards while you are still there even though you would naturally do things differently in your own home.
Can you try to have a break away from them both at Christmas time ?
In the meantime, keep your eye on the prize …how wonderful it will be in 8 weeks time moving back in to your own home. Good luck !

Roselilly36 · 13/12/2022 07:46

Deep breath OP, sorry you were upset. But I am sure it is difficult for you both right now. If you have no choice atm, you will just have to try to let her comments wash over you. Soon you will be in your home again. Are the renovations at a stage yet that you could move in if you really had too? I have had various friends in the past in this exact situation and it has always come with challenges. Good luck.

sheepdogdelight · 13/12/2022 07:50

I agree with others that you living with your in-laws is simply too much for all of you.

I disagree that MIL is any of the choice names that some psters have called her - she has let you stay rent free for months and, presumably, you got on well enough with her beforehand to think that this would work.

For me this sounds like a case of your PIL being an elderly couple that is used to the house to themselves and things in a certain way (reading the paper every morning) and you've come in and added noise and chaos. For you, you might just be getting your children ready in the morning; to them you are loud and disruptive. I suspect you don't realise how much you disturb them; I suspect they don't remember how tough it is with young children. Neither of you is really wrong.

I suspect a proper conversation about what you can do to make things better for all of you (assuming moving out is not an option) is on the cards. Particularly with2 weeks of school holidays coming up so you presumably will be there all the time.

littlenutcracker · 13/12/2022 07:52

My MIL is like yours. No way would I ever set myself up to stay with them. I don't think you can take advantage of what you are and then moan unfortunately. Either move out or suck it up. It's not really her fault you're there and you've kind of set yourself up for failure here!

TheaBrandt · 13/12/2022 07:57

We had to live with my parents with a baby as house not ready we get on brilliantly they are fab. Wasnt a choice we had a rental but it fell through 2 days before we were due to move in 🙄. Honestly worst 6 weeks of my life!

MichelleScarn · 13/12/2022 08:04

I could never handle living with family for 6 months, they are very generous doing this plus the weekly childcare for medical and work purposes!
Agree with pp, what's all the chores you are having to do all day everyday? For the full household of 6 or just you 4? It should be easy enough in am, change and feed baby, pop in warm onesie/suit, give 5 yo bfast and supervise getting changed while cleaning up bfast, baby in onesie /snowsuit to do drop off at school? Of course there will be odd day when all goes wrong and dh should absolutely take on their role on return from work but not in AM if they're off out to commute early. I'd rather do as pp have said and get an air n b or camp Out in own home!

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/12/2022 08:06

You have a few threads about your MIL, you just dont like her. What she is asking of you is pretty standard, tidy up after yourself and your kids, its not hard.

Saharafordessert · 13/12/2022 08:10

They are saving you an absolute fortune so they can read as many morning newspapers as they want imo!