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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH wants to change unborn babies name - AIBU

277 replies

CanadianInBritain · 12/12/2022 15:36

38 weeks pregnant so am very possibly being unreasonable here but here goes nothing.

Pregnant with first baby, DH and I have been set on our names for years, a couple of months ago he made a slight musing about not being as confident with our name choice, I brushed it off as he was having other baby related worries at the time and his reasoning was a bit weak (5 people started at his work with the name and he was hearing it a lot, and decided he didn’t like it anymore)

Wasnt mentioned again until this morning, when he has pretty much said he is now 100% not happy with the name picked out and wants to go back to the drawing board.

Issue is, we have been quite open with the name since finding out the sex of our child, I come from a family of crafters who have been keen to know the name for a while so they can get embroidering, so now we have family and friends who have spent time making things for her with a name she might no longer have!!

I have said it’s a bit too late to change course now, if he had an issue he should have more strongly voiced it a few months ago or 5 years ago when we set our hearts on this name.

He has accused me of not taking his opinion into account, and tbh I can’t blame him as that’s exactly what’s happening here (not that I’d admit that outside of MN)

So wise people of MN who is unreasonable here.

YABU - although annoying he does have to be happy with the name too

YANBU - it’s too late to change now, he will need to suck it up

OP posts:

BIWI · 12/12/2022 15:38

This is why you should never share a name until the baby is actually born! I think YABU taking into account the needs of other people rather than your husband.

zhivagodr · 12/12/2022 15:40

YABVU

the fact he has several colleagues at work with the same name is reason enough to change the name imo

Sorry op.

Reindeersnooker · 12/12/2022 15:40

The crafter's don't get a vote.

If he really hates the name you have to compromise. What a faff.

Purplechicken207 · 12/12/2022 15:41

Personally I always find it odd to share a name prior to the birth, but each to their own. Unless you had detailed testing, gender can't be guaranteed from a scan either.
Maybe your family will be aggravated briefly....or your husband will dislike it for the rest of his life. Which is more important?

PinkParfait · 12/12/2022 15:41

He's gone off your chosen name completely because someone at work has the same name?

I don't think you're being unreasonable tbh, you're 38 weeks! He's far too late IMO, especially considering your family have embroidered things for her.

DingDonkey · 12/12/2022 15:42

I'd have agreed with a pp and never shared the name. But then I was pregnant with DS and we were so set on his name that he was known by his name from when I was a few months pregnant. We were always quite careful to say we weren't 100% on the name though (sorry that's not helpful to you now!).

Annoying as it is I think your DH does have to be happy with her name too. Who are the family who will have made stuff? Can you tell one person that you're having second thoughts and they make sure everyone else gets the memo?

MayThe4th · 12/12/2022 15:42

Yabu.

As BIWI said above, it’s ridiculous to take other people into account on this basis. Sorry but “I can’t change the name because I come from a family of crafters….” How ridiculous.

FWIW I decided after DS was born that I suddenly didn’t want him to have the name we’d picked for him any more.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/12/2022 15:44

Why would you share the name before baby even arrives?

It's not nothing to do with crafters, its you being stubborn. If he works with 5 people with the same name, I totally understand him going of it. You both get a 50/50 say.

SomeUnspokenThing · 12/12/2022 15:44

Ah, c'mon, OP - you know YABU. Of course your husband has to like the name that you jointly give to your baby.

Hugasauras · 12/12/2022 15:44

Annoying but you can't prioritise not being rude to others over your husband's dislike of a name. Maybe it could be a middle name so stuff can still be used. Is it all personalised anyway? I had a lot of handmade things for DD1 but none were personalised!

Banjoman · 12/12/2022 15:44

PinkParfait · 12/12/2022 15:41

He's gone off your chosen name completely because someone at work has the same name?

I don't think you're being unreasonable tbh, you're 38 weeks! He's far too late IMO, especially considering your family have embroidered things for her.

It’s five people and the child isn’t born yet. Honestly, the crafters will live and breath another day with a name change!

Wishawisha · 12/12/2022 15:45

It’s absolutely not too late until the baby is here and named. Some would say even then it’s not too late but I personally wouldn’t change the name of a named baby (born).

He’s had misgivings for a while which you have ignored and now he’s come out and told you he doesn’t want the name. He’s allowed to say that. Back to the drawing board.

TheStarLady · 12/12/2022 15:45

Well the obvious solution is to keep that as a middle name. The crafters can then add the new first name if possible, but if not it will still be ok.

However I do think it’s advisable to not reveal a name until the baby is actually born. And to now say you can’t change it because people will be making things is very unfair to your DH.

maxelly · 12/12/2022 15:45

YABU I think, it's really important both parties are happy with the name of the baby and I don't think to most people a few weeks before the baby arrives is too late to change - after the baby is safely here and the name is announced maybe so but expecting someone to be stuck in perpetuity with the name they agreed to for a totally hypothetical baby 5 years earlier is a tad mad I'm afraid.

I get it's annoying that your family have made things with that name but really, what's worse, they have some momentary annoyance or inconvenience having to remake things or give gifts with the wrong name, or your DH is stuck for the next 30 or more years having constant needling annoyance every time he has to call or refer to his own child by the name he really doesn't like and was forced into - I think you have to at least have a proper discussion where you are open to other names. Who knows, maybe he'll come back around to 'your' preferred option, or maybe you can keep the original choice as a middle name?

Cherrysoup · 12/12/2022 15:45

Yabu to mention crafters and to have told everyone the name. You can’t use that as leverage.

YANBU given you decided on the name years ago. So what if people at work have the name? Your dd isn’t them.

TheShellBeach · 12/12/2022 15:45

It doesn't matter what the crafters in your family have made.

Apart from anything else, just occasionally the predicted sex is wrong, so you might find yourself having a son.

Your DH has changed his mind about the baby's name and you really shouldn't expect him to suck it up because you haven't.

We changed our last baby's name a week after he was born because we went off it. You must take your husband's opinion into consideration. It is his baby too.

Megapint · 12/12/2022 15:45

Of course it's not to late the baby isn't even born yet. You can't name a baby before you've even met them. As for the crafters if they have made anything (always a risk, even with sex let alone a name) I'm sure they could sell the named stuff on fb.

Wishawisha · 12/12/2022 15:46

Pretty sure embroidery can’t be unstitched too. Her name being on a pram blanket is really not a name to stick to a name he doesn’t want to use.

Cherryana · 12/12/2022 15:46

You don’t know the name until you actually see your baby.

We had a name set and he came out and he didn’t look like that name.

The crafters can unpick some embroidery- you and your husband are going to be saying the name for years to come!!

DingDonkey · 12/12/2022 15:46

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/12/2022 15:44

Why would you share the name before baby even arrives?

It's not nothing to do with crafters, its you being stubborn. If he works with 5 people with the same name, I totally understand him going of it. You both get a 50/50 say.

Sometimes they just are that name though! For DD we didn't share her name with anyone and her "bump name" was a cutsey made up word. For DS from the moment DH suggested his name that was what we knew him as. We tried to keep it secret like we did with DD but it was just what we called him so it inevitably slipped out and then once one person has heard it it's very hard to keep it a secret!

PennyRa · 12/12/2022 15:47

If he agreed to the name for the last 5 years he is being massively unreasonable to change his mind and put that on you when the baby could be born any second

PeopleAreTheWorst · 12/12/2022 15:48

Cherryana · 12/12/2022 15:46

You don’t know the name until you actually see your baby.

We had a name set and he came out and he didn’t look like that name.

The crafters can unpick some embroidery- you and your husband are going to be saying the name for years to come!!

This. Also I don't think it's about the 'crafters' and more that you don't want to listen to your dh's concerns.

Usernamen · 12/12/2022 15:48

if FIVE colleagues have this name, then that’s one hell of a common name! In my department of over 100 people, there are never more than two people with the same name.

DPotter · 12/12/2022 15:48

I'm a firm believer in never sharing the name of your unborn child for several reasons, the main one being - the baby might not look like the name you previously chose. I was very keen on Freya for DD, but she came out looking nothing like a Freya - don't ask me to explain I can't.

As for his reasoning including recently meeting new work colleagues with the same names - a bit wishy washy. however if he doesn't like one of those colleagues - why would he want to call the most loved thing he will ever know, the same names as someone he doesn't like.

And as a crafter, I am very happy to agree - the crafters don't get a vote. Get on the phone and tell to them to hold off, there may be a change. Personally I wouldn't personalise something until things were official - you just never know

drpet49 · 12/12/2022 15:50