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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Buying for the 'kids' when they're in fact grabby adults!!

246 replies

AppelationStation · 12/12/2022 10:33

I'm the youngest of my siblings by some way and have lots of nieces and nephews much older than my DC. Oldest niece is 27, youngest nephew 13. My DC is 7.

This year, like some others but not consistently, siblings and I have agreed to just buy for the kids. All the nieces and nephews. Fair enough. My oldest niece is an adult, earns more than me, owns her own home (courtesy of her parents). We do OK but are generally a bit hard up even before all this economic mess. It was made clear that buying for the kids had to include oldest niece and I was a bit 🙄 but don't want her to feel left out. They're all my family and I love them.

Siblings and I share our kids' Christmas lists. On nieces list were several designer perfumes, some expensive cosmetics (that I could never afford to buy myself), some clothes from particular (pricey) shops. I bought the cheapest of these at £37.

Nieces mother lives abroad having retired in her late 40s. I'm waiting for one of the gifts to arrive for one of the others so I can send them all together as other sibling and niece live v near each other. They're on the other side of the country from me and we're not seeing them this year (went there last year).

Oldest sister has just asked if I can hurry up and send her daughters present to her before she leaves to travel abroad for Christmas this time next week. Am I wrong in thinking this is taking the piss a bit now? She'll get it when I send them all, I'll make sure they get them before Xmas. And if, in the worst are scenario, it gets lost in the post or something and she gets her present when she comes back to the UK because she's going abroad a week before Xmas, it's not the end of the world because SHE'S A BLOODY ADULT and can deal with it?

I'm particularly up to the eyeballs this year with work, the way the school term falls and some health stuff, so maybe I'm being a bit unreasonable. I don't begrudge my niece a gift but am irked that it has to be so fancy and her having it is SO urgent, like she's 5 and her Christmas depends on it.

For info my sibling sent my DS7 a gift, which I'll need to wrap. Its a book.

OP posts:
Original poster
AppelationStation · 12/12/2022 19:19

@mam0918
Like this:

"Hey, everyone's feeling the pinch this year, shall we just get something for the kids?"

"Yeah, good plan. As long as kids includes dn with the others"

"OK"

Later..

"Any tips on what the kids would like this year? Mines into puzzles, anything lego etc"

"So and so has said they'd like x and y, or just some of their fave sweets"

"Dn would like: x perfume, x lipstick, this and that"

"Woah, thays a bit steep. I'll get the 'that'"
[finds out that is also £££]

OP posts:
AnOldCynic · 12/12/2022 19:25

I stopped when they turned 16. After that it was just 18th and 21st birthdays.

I see a couple of nieces/nephews over Christmas so might buy them a token something. I feel no guilt. It's great.

Nanalisa60 · 12/12/2022 19:31

Under 18’s only, once you hit 18 and get your special 18th birthday presents that’s it.

Callipygion · 12/12/2022 19:37

AppelationStation · 12/12/2022 10:48

Some of the other nieces and nephews are 18 or just over, at uni living in crummy digs and working to earn a pittance while they study. Seems a shame not to buy them something. They always ask for a lot less though. This year the requests were some nice tea/a t shirt/sweets.

I bought for mine till they left uni and got a job. Once they’re earning they’re off my list.

healthadvice123 · 12/12/2022 20:20

Just do a gift voucher for shop next year for neice or even this year return other item
Say you have a budget and thats that
Your sibling has bought your son a book which won't be £37 so they can't complain
Send £15 voucher for shop she likes and thats that or say buying for under 25's only

woodhill · 12/12/2022 20:24

AppelationStation · 12/12/2022 19:19

@mam0918
Like this:

"Hey, everyone's feeling the pinch this year, shall we just get something for the kids?"

"Yeah, good plan. As long as kids includes dn with the others"

"OK"

Later..

"Any tips on what the kids would like this year? Mines into puzzles, anything lego etc"

"So and so has said they'd like x and y, or just some of their fave sweets"

"Dn would like: x perfume, x lipstick, this and that"

"Woah, thays a bit steep. I'll get the 'that'"
[finds out that is also £££]

No DN is 27 and not a kid and is not included

jejija · 12/12/2022 20:32

I think you need to set a price limit per gift. Eg you all spend £10 on each niece/nephew. £37 is too much in my opinion.

Maray1967 · 12/12/2022 20:37

If you want to get her something I’d send more or less the Same value in Boots vouchers as your DC’s gift cost. If it’s a book, the price should be on it.

lightisnotwhite · 12/12/2022 20:51

How about…

“Hi Dsis
Thanks for our gifts. I see we are spending to a family budget this year. Very sensible .There was nothing on DN list that feel within the budget so I’m sending a voucher. Hope this is ok. Easier to pist to as I know you are waiting on it.”

determinedtomakethiswork · 12/12/2022 20:59

I wouldn't stand her anything. If you think that would cause too much trouble, then I would send her a £10 Amazon voucher. It's crazy that she is having more spent on her than those who actually do need it.

LeavedIn · 12/12/2022 21:23

So my aunties and uncles buy gifts for me. I’m the eldest niece, and I’m in my 30s with my own home.
I would never send a list, have told them i’d be happy with nothing and have made it clear that second hand totally also acceptable, and we also get them a gift. They also buy for mine and my sisters children which I don’t really feel is necessary, but they seem to enjoy doing.

1HappyTraveller · 12/12/2022 21:25

I put YABU for the sole reason that you are even doing this. WTAF?!?!

Your family is totally unreasonable. Bet the cheap ass gifts stop when your DN is too old to receive expensive gifts.

Also… 27 yo doing a Christmas list? She can f* right off! Along with your CF ‘D’S.

Seriously. Why are you doing this???? Nothing wrong with buying her a gift at all, but the expectation of her receiving something expensive and the attitude from her mother is just, well absurd!

Original poster
AppelationStation · 12/12/2022 21:35

@1HappyTraveller yup, fair! I've had some kind of epiphany that I've basically been a dormat to my sister for forever. Not any more! Can't get out of this Christmas nonsense now but I won't be doing it again and will be calling out her utter nonsense from now on.

It won't go down well. Luckily she's far enough away that her disapproval will make bugger all difference to me!!

Dn and I used to he really close. She's just disdainful now. She's an adult so I shall have to treat her like one from now on.

OP posts:
EastCoastDamsel · 12/12/2022 21:41

I absolutely hate Xmas lists. I hate doing one and I hate receiving them too..a gift should be just that a gift. Yes, one that is considetbit is given according to the means of the gover and ALWAYS gratefully received.

And I mean ALWAYS.

Even if it is a bag of licorice all-sorts, because you love licorice all-sorts but never have them cause they are a dirty pleasure or a new pair of funny/funky socks.

Gifts should NEVER be expected.

Mrseft · 12/12/2022 22:01

Once they hit 18 that’s that IMO, at that point they are grown up enough to realise Xmas is for the kids. It gets hideously expensive otherwise. You are definitely not being unreasonable

1HappyTraveller · 12/12/2022 22:59

AppelationStation · 12/12/2022 21:35

@1HappyTraveller yup, fair! I've had some kind of epiphany that I've basically been a dormat to my sister for forever. Not any more! Can't get out of this Christmas nonsense now but I won't be doing it again and will be calling out her utter nonsense from now on.

It won't go down well. Luckily she's far enough away that her disapproval will make bugger all difference to me!!

Dn and I used to he really close. She's just disdainful now. She's an adult so I shall have to treat her like one from now on.

I don’t know. You could get out of it. Taking on board what @determinedtomakethiswork & @lightisnotwhite suggested above… send the message to your Dsis, buy a £10 voucher, return the expensive perfume and ask at the counter for a sample instead. Tough sh*t if they receive them late.

Or next year get the gift list first and state that your DC only wants a PS5 🤷‍♀️

I love exchanging gifts. And I say ‘exchange’ because I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like receiving them. But I don’t think I’d dare ask any of my parents siblings for such an expensive gift, let alone once I started work! And especially if I earned more than them. 🤯

Lennylegs · 13/12/2022 06:34

Is it too late to return the perfume and send an e-voucher for £10 ?

CourtneeLuv · 13/12/2022 07:06

AppelationStation · 12/12/2022 10:33

I'm the youngest of my siblings by some way and have lots of nieces and nephews much older than my DC. Oldest niece is 27, youngest nephew 13. My DC is 7.

This year, like some others but not consistently, siblings and I have agreed to just buy for the kids. All the nieces and nephews. Fair enough. My oldest niece is an adult, earns more than me, owns her own home (courtesy of her parents). We do OK but are generally a bit hard up even before all this economic mess. It was made clear that buying for the kids had to include oldest niece and I was a bit 🙄 but don't want her to feel left out. They're all my family and I love them.

Siblings and I share our kids' Christmas lists. On nieces list were several designer perfumes, some expensive cosmetics (that I could never afford to buy myself), some clothes from particular (pricey) shops. I bought the cheapest of these at £37.

Nieces mother lives abroad having retired in her late 40s. I'm waiting for one of the gifts to arrive for one of the others so I can send them all together as other sibling and niece live v near each other. They're on the other side of the country from me and we're not seeing them this year (went there last year).

Oldest sister has just asked if I can hurry up and send her daughters present to her before she leaves to travel abroad for Christmas this time next week. Am I wrong in thinking this is taking the piss a bit now? She'll get it when I send them all, I'll make sure they get them before Xmas. And if, in the worst are scenario, it gets lost in the post or something and she gets her present when she comes back to the UK because she's going abroad a week before Xmas, it's not the end of the world because SHE'S A BLOODY ADULT and can deal with it?

I'm particularly up to the eyeballs this year with work, the way the school term falls and some health stuff, so maybe I'm being a bit unreasonable. I don't begrudge my niece a gift but am irked that it has to be so fancy and her having it is SO urgent, like she's 5 and her Christmas depends on it.

For info my sibling sent my DS7 a gift, which I'll need to wrap. Its a book.

I would not have sent her a present. I want, never gets.

BMrs · 13/12/2022 07:15

That's crazy. Stand up for yourself and be honest and say you can't afford to buy for adults. Or if you I sit in buying for her next year if ignore the lift and buy something in your budget. Don't be a pushover, you're not being unreasonable!

liarliarshortsonfire · 13/12/2022 07:22

I'd do a blanket 18s rule for everyone. £37 is a lot of money if you X by all the Bruce's and nephews.

If you feel for the ones at uni, send them a good parcel in the middle of the year, trust me it'll be far more appreciated than a gift at Xmas

Changeyncchange · 13/12/2022 07:28

AppelationStation · 12/12/2022 10:48

Some of the other nieces and nephews are 18 or just over, at uni living in crummy digs and working to earn a pittance while they study. Seems a shame not to buy them something. They always ask for a lot less though. This year the requests were some nice tea/a t shirt/sweets.

In my family we take this into account Full time education/shitty job gets a proper present. Otherwise it depends what they want to do. One of the "kids" was in that position for the first time this year (decent job) and his parent asked him was he intending to buy others, he said token gifts and that's what he will get in return.

Christmascandycane · 13/12/2022 07:30

You're missing a trick OP.

Why not say that your child is taking part in gift buying and they are choosing some gifts for other family members. 😁

Changeyncchange · 13/12/2022 07:32

Changeyncchange · 13/12/2022 07:28

In my family we take this into account Full time education/shitty job gets a proper present. Otherwise it depends what they want to do. One of the "kids" was in that position for the first time this year (decent job) and his parent asked him was he intending to buy others, he said token gifts and that's what he will get in return.

Show quote history

Just to add the adults in our family buy each other proper gifts depending on means.

ladyofshertonabbas · 13/12/2022 07:34

As others have said, just stop for those over 18. I doubt they’ll still buy for your dc when they’re pushing 30.

StonwEd · 13/12/2022 07:37

Haven't rtft sorry but yes agree with others. Under 18s only, secret santa for the over 18s. We've done this for years now, everyone gets one big present (I still buy my young adult kids stuff as well but it takes the pressure off them buying for loads of people)
Be more assertive!