Buying for the 'kids' when they're in fact grabby adults!!

[AppelationStation]

I'm the youngest of my siblings by some way and have lots of nieces and nephews much older than my DC. Oldest niece is 27, youngest nephew 13. My DC is 7.

This year, like some others but not consistently, siblings and I have agreed to just buy for the kids. All the nieces and nephews. Fair enough. My oldest niece is an adult, earns more than me, owns her own home (courtesy of her parents). We do OK but are generally a bit hard up even before all this economic mess. It was made clear that buying for the kids had to include oldest niece and I was a bit 🙄 but don't want her to feel left out. They're all my family and I love them.

Siblings and I share our kids' Christmas lists. On nieces list were several designer perfumes, some expensive cosmetics (that I could never afford to buy myself), some clothes from particular (pricey) shops. I bought the cheapest of these at £37.

Nieces mother lives abroad having retired in her late 40s. I'm waiting for one of the gifts to arrive for one of the others so I can send them all together as other sibling and niece live v near each other. They're on the other side of the country from me and we're not seeing them this year (went there last year).

Oldest sister has just asked if I can hurry up and send her daughters present to her before she leaves to travel abroad for Christmas this time next week. Am I wrong in thinking this is taking the piss a bit now? She'll get it when I send them all, I'll make sure they get them before Xmas. And if, in the worst are scenario, it gets lost in the post or something and she gets her present when she comes back to the UK because she's going abroad a week before Xmas, it's not the end of the world because SHE'S A BLOODY ADULT and can deal with it?

I'm particularly up to the eyeballs this year with work, the way the school term falls and some health stuff, so maybe I'm being a bit unreasonable. I don't begrudge my niece a gift but am irked that it has to be so fancy and her having it is SO urgent, like she's 5 and her Christmas depends on it.

For info my sibling sent my DS7 a gift, which I'll need to wrap. Its a book.

Return the gift.
Tell them you're not buying for adults.
If that means they stop buying for your DC that's fine as you'll have spare cash to make up the difference if you want to.

They're taking the piss.

I haven’t rtft but is it maybe to do with collection at Post Office? If she’s away, she may miss the deadline and it gets sent back to you, which would be mad if you could avoid that. Maybe her mum didn’t word it well? Just a thought ….

^ For info my sibling sent my DS7 a gift, which I'll need to wrap. Its a book.*

There's your answer
Doesn't matter what grabby niece puts on her xmas list, she wants perfume but her £5 body spray less cost than is spent by her mother on your DD (child!!) I'd take that perfume back if I were you. Or save it for someone else. If she can't put £5 gifts into her list then you pick something different if a cheap version. You're sister is grabby too.

Tbh I wouldn't buy for a 27 year old niece anymore. She's a grown ass adult!

I only buy for my 2 godchildren and will stop soon now they're heading towards mid twenties.

Once nieces and nephews become adults or at least above 21 then they aren't included as children anymore.

I haven’t read the full thread but this is like my in-laws.. SIL/BIL have (literally) millions- my DD is seriously disabled. She got a card for her b’day. Same as me.
Christmas we just do children’s gifts.
They send links for £30-£40 gifts for both their teens. We have one child. She’s getting a £30 gift - or £22 depending on how flash they feel this year.
One of my family gets her nothing while I’m expected to send her two presents etc for Christmas and birthdays.
This year I told DH I was fucking sick of it. He complains if I spend £10.
Hes still spending about £100 on each of his 4 nieces/nephews each. I know I have a DH problem but shit like this adult niece thinking the world should cater to their expensive tastes piss me off so much.

hurry up and send her daughters present to her before she leaves to travel abroad for Christmas this time next week. Am I wrong in thinking this is taking the piss a bit now?
taking the piss and then some! Tell them you cant afford waterproof shoes to get out to the post office in this snowy weather, keep the £37 perfume and just send a card!

Agree with PPs. Either stop buying completely or agree Secret Santa, and they all just get a stocking filler.

18 is the cut off for nieces and nephews in my family. I have a 42 year old nephew (only 10 years younger than me), who owns his own company. He probably has more cash in the bank than I do.

Text her back saying you’ve changed your mind and think gifts should be for under 18s only.

You’ll save yourself stress and money, and it doesn’t sound like your kid will miss out much if they don’t bother in retaliation.

If they all live on the other side of the country and you hardly ever see them what’s the point in pandering to them?

Kids over 18 stop on the present list in our family As you say, quite often they are out earning us by some margin!

As a 27 year old I'd be very OK with you saying 'can we just buy for under 18'.

That's what my family did - Xmas presents end at 18 and birthday money ends at 21.

I'm the youngest and we've said we're only doing childrens presents now which means I buy their children presents and my none exist many kids will eventually get presents if they are ever born 😂 I don't mind.

Oh sorry just realised you said it was made clear you had to.

Yes they're taking the piss. Especially when the cheapest is £40.

My Christmas list had stuff as cheap as £4 for this reason (for in laws and parents etc)

I think these group "buying rules" are ridiculous.

We long ago stopped purchasing gifts for those outside the nuclear family. Everyone is happier for the change. We get together and gifts simply are not part of the gatherings; socializing and appreciating one another is.

Gave up with the whole Christmas present thing a couple of years ago and now give donations to charities close to my heart. This year is no exception and I have donated to four. We all have enough 'stuff' and don't need anymore. Family on board with this.

Can you not just agree on a price limit and go from there? Ds has some aspirational vintage Lego sets on his wish list this year in the +€300 range. I said “that’s nice dear but you need more suggestions in the under €25 range and handed him the Smyths catalogue.

My younger brother stopped buying gifts when mine were 18 and 16 but started buying me and DH presents instead. I’d rather he didn’t bother but it’s very thoughtful. I still buy for his children 28, 26 I usually get them a gift together with their partners. This year I’ve bought them all some sheet masks, something silly that I know they will use. I’ll get a FaceTime or WhatsApp thank you from them probably wearing the masks. I don’t plan to stop buying them a little something, I love them and where everyone stops gifts I think it’s nice to get them something small.

Same in our family. Absolutely ridiculous to buy for a niece in her 20s. I think the issue is that the mother of the niece sees her as a child, her daughter. But she is no longer a child!
Under 18s and students is a fair rule

Can you not stop presents at 18?

Can't really get out of ut this year now. I've told my sister what I've got her (which isn't perfume incidentally - cheapest perfume was £55, dsis suggested I and someone else go halves).

I'm annoyed it's got this far without me standing up to her. I've always been a bit scared of her tbh. She's got a very particular view of things that no one ever challenges her on. She's always felt quite comfortable commenting on my life when I would never dream I'd doing the same. D niece ha in heroes this trait (among other things) from her mother in is often quite condescending.

They can both piss off, frankly. I'm too old for this shit.

@AppelationStation

Wow no way would I be putting up with this. Once neices/nephews reached 21 they were gifted £100 and that was end of present giving as now adults.

Oh yikes, typos! Sorry, was eating!

Our situation is similar. We have 1 child (11 yr old DD) but 7 nieces and nephews, 4 of them on their 30s now with multiple children of their own. Now that we have our own daughter I'm so pleased we made the decision to stop xmas and Birthday presents when they turn 21. We started buying for a couple of close friends children too so for decades we bought for loads then suprise suprise the only Aunt that has ever bought for our daughter is my sister. Her kids are still teens so we still buy for them but the other aunts and uncles are now also grandparents so now only buy for their immediate family. Once you have kids you should stop buying for adults imo... unless its easily affordable.

OMG. I can’t believe a 27 year old home owner makes a Christmas list that her mum shares with the family. I’d be embarrassed.

Im the eldest grandchild on one side and it was me who but a stop to the mindless swapping a of £20 across 6kids/3 families. I was earning a wage and I knew others were too.

MADNESS.

You need to stop buying for the adult “kids”, unless they also buy presents for your child.

Be prepared for the tight sods like my sister - I bought xmas and birthday for each of her daughters for 20 years, then I had a son and my sister stopped buying for him when he was 2. My sister can rot in hell, tight cow.

Im really always baffled by these thread of familys who set 'rules' about what people must by them.

Thats not how gifts work... the GIVER decided what and who to gift too and no one else has any say.

All this 'my family won't agree to no gifts' or 'My sister insists on a £100 present' is bat shit no one has to agree and no one gets to insist on anything.

Like how do you even end up having bizaare convosations like this?

In our extended family gifts are for under 18’s only. My oldest has aged out this year (I need to remind him)

they still get birthday presents though.

this year I told one of my sisters not to buy for me, I bought for her, and will give as a joint gift. Have a free gift for other sister, need something for her husband. Don’t exchange gifts with my brother.

usually DH’s family adults we do a lucky dip, but most are away this year so just us joining his one brother