AIBU to think I'm unemployable? Or am I just difficult?

[anerki101]

I have one child in their first year of primary school. DS enjoys school but it's a struggle to get him there. I have posted previously about his various issues. We suspect he may have autism and the school have been observing him. They are going to set up a meeting with me after the Christmas holidays.

I have long suspected that I'm also neurodiverse and DS is almost exactly as I was at that age. I also take medication for generalised anxiety and health anxiety.

I have a DH who works 8am until 5:30pm five days a week and 1 in 3 Saturdays too.

I do the school runs. 840am drop off and 3pm pick up.

I have no family help for school runs or school holidays. The school has a breakfast club but no after school club.

So essentially my work options are 930 - 2pm roughly depending on distance from school, term time only.

I'm well aware plenty of parents work around primary aged DC but for the life of me, I cannot see a way to make it work.

The first job I considered was TA. But all the jobs I've looked at, even they finish at 3:30 but I have to pick DS up at 3. No afterschool Club and I cannot afford to pay for childcare.

I can't afford to okay for holidays clubs in the school holidays and with DS various needs, I really don't think it would be a good idea anyway.

So what am I supposed to do? We desperately need another income. I'm currently at uni and contribute my student maintenance loan to the household Pot but its not enough. My degree also isn't one that will lead directly to a career. I'd be a graduate so there would be more job options but not a direct career path. And those more job options are likely to be unworkable due to DS anyway.

Am I being deliberately difficult here or are there really no answers?

I will add I did have an evening job but DS really struggled with not seeing me all day whilst at school and then not seeing me at all in the evenings.

Sorry for the length.

You won't be able to do anything while your husband refuses to do or pay for any childcare.

Hahahahaha okay. 😘😘

I have never been a sahp. Yeah, I struggle to wake up. Always have done. I do rely on my DH to get me up. But I do get up and I do what I need to do. Doesn't mean I have to like it. Prior to DS I did manage to hold down several FT jobs just fine. Still struggled to get up though!

It's not him paying that's the problem. It's his lack of flexibility to help with childcare to enable me to work. He genuinely thinks it's all down to me as the lower earner. He said if I earned more than him, he'd happily take a pay cut to help with childcare. As I'd be the lower earner, in his mind my job would be less important and I should be the one to be flexible and do all the pick up and drop offs, etc.

Pay a childminder. Do the maths. Even a NMW job means you'll earn more than you'll pay with one school age child.

Or don't if you're determined not to work.

I think for OP the issue is that currently the extra income is a nice-to-have, rather than essential.

For this reason it is difficult for her to overcome the internal and external barriers to employment, meaning that posters' suggestions are not readily welcomed.

When the income becomes essential, the suggestions will be helpful.

He needs to understand that you are both parents - a team who work together to make your family work.

Dh and I, at different times have both been the higher earner. Indeed I supported him whilst he did his degree. Though he used to work all sorts of odd hours around that study (and travel), and he was in University 9am- 5pm x 5 days a week.

At no point did our individual income have any bearing on the way we worked out our childcare arrangements. We've gone through various arrangements with our childcare, including one of us starting paid work at 7am to get away in time to collect from CM at end of day whilst the other got them up and out to CM or to breakfast club (we've both done both of those options) and including both of us working at home in the evenings to make sure all our work was done, around making sure all our dc were cared for.
The same as the vast majority of parents on this thread. I don't think we are in any way out of the ordinary. Oh, and we both worked a lot more than 45 hours a week at the time. It's just what you do at this stage in your lives unless you are extraordinarily wealthy.

Maybe you could find something in care, like elderly homes or such? They might give you hours when your DC is at school?

Your son could go to breakfast club and your partner could drop him off on his way to work for 8am. That means you could start really early in the morning - it’s what we do.
Are there any sports clubs after school? My DS does sports after school when I work so I can pick him up at 4.30pm.
You need to change your thinking from ‘can’t’ and try to look at making it work. If you need the income then you need to work.

This!

You need a job to increase your overall income. It is possible to find work to fit around school. You could work in the evenings. It is not great but necessary. Sorry but if you work evenings your son really will not miss you that much - he will cope. I did this, my Mum did this - you need the income (and need to grow up a bit).

@anerki101 working in a school or wfh is really your only options.

You explained that you had a jo but dc was struggling during that due to his needs.

I would of suggested something like hotel room attendent but that requires all year ( the hours are generally 9.30am till 2.30pm). If your dc is diagnosed then childminders charge extra as ratio changes and lots of people don't realise this.

I get it OK. The frustration and not knowing what to do. I have an adult with sen and over the course of time done a degree volunteering part time work. Is only now in a position that works as there is flexibility to wfh if required. And due to my son having social care support.

But I remember how many things were against me being able to work.

Please do not take half of what is said to you to heart ok. Your not being unreasonable. Take care of yourself. Esp with the meeting coming up.

You've said that writing is the one thing you're good at. I know it's really competitive but what have you tried in that field? I know someone who writes pieces as a freelancer for websites on fairly mundane topics but it brings in money. For all that you've said you need something stable, any extra money that you can earn without incurring extra costs - i.e. working from home while your DS is at school - would be a help so is worth doing. There's a creative writers' section on this site. I would go there, look for all the ways writers are doing things that make money, any money however small, and do those as a first step.

When you finish making excuses, night work is what you need. Sleep when DS is at school.

I manage around 100 people who work nights and I’d estimate 70% of those do so because it works around childcare and school. They work out their annual leave to cover school holidays, when mixed with their partners they can usually cover the majority of them between them. When they don’t have AL to cover school holidays they put their children in to holiday clubs, move shifts around so they work nights their partner is home in the day or they head to bed as soon as their partner gets home and wake up for work - yes, they’re tired for that week, but it’s a decent income for them. It works and it’s what a lot of parents have to do to make ends meet.

If you could manage 5 nights you wouldn’t be far off your £1500 ideal.

I would look at udemy and alike for some online courses to see if any of them click with you. They are reasonably cheep and you can study now when DC at school. Your best bet is flexible WFH but you need skills that allow this.
My best friend had a DC with complex needs and remote working is the way she manages.

Housekeeping in hotels is quite a good one for those hours. It's a bit of a rubbish job but no childcare costs. I used to do it and there were perks; free lunch, I got vouchers for a free swim with the kids, cheapie holiday in sister hotels.

Well, I've applied for five school jobs. Two are admin and three are TA roles. I'd rather be a TA and work with the kids but annoyingly the admin roles pay more. I suppose because they are slightly longer hours.

Salary for those jobs range between 1454 as the highest and 975 as the lowest.

That's great that you've applied for some jobs. Sounds like you got lucky to have 5 potential jobs available at once!

If you get one of the jobs, what's your plan to manage your university degree? Will you take a study break/move to distance learning?

Brilliant you’ve applied to so many roles so quickly - now that’s motivated! Good luck, OP.

proofed.co.uk/careers/

Is another idea. Can be done in your own time, uses the degree you're working to, and you obviously enjoy reading!

Fair play @anerki101 and good luck with it!

With these jobs your salary will be annualised and paid monthly through the school holidays, so if you are able (or want) to pick up extra work you may be able to do so in the school holidays, even an extra 5 hours a week would help.Best of luck!

Same situation for me. But I work Tuesday and Friday evenings as a team leader in a supermarket with the occasional Sunday overtime🤷‍♀️

I have an interview today in a care home to do nights but no one is supporting me. DH says its not a good idea and so does my DM. :(