AIBU to think I'm unemployable? Or am I just difficult?

[anerki101]

I have one child in their first year of primary school. DS enjoys school but it's a struggle to get him there. I have posted previously about his various issues. We suspect he may have autism and the school have been observing him. They are going to set up a meeting with me after the Christmas holidays.

I have long suspected that I'm also neurodiverse and DS is almost exactly as I was at that age. I also take medication for generalised anxiety and health anxiety.

I have a DH who works 8am until 5:30pm five days a week and 1 in 3 Saturdays too.

I do the school runs. 840am drop off and 3pm pick up.

I have no family help for school runs or school holidays. The school has a breakfast club but no after school club.

So essentially my work options are 930 - 2pm roughly depending on distance from school, term time only.

I'm well aware plenty of parents work around primary aged DC but for the life of me, I cannot see a way to make it work.

The first job I considered was TA. But all the jobs I've looked at, even they finish at 3:30 but I have to pick DS up at 3. No afterschool Club and I cannot afford to pay for childcare.

I can't afford to okay for holidays clubs in the school holidays and with DS various needs, I really don't think it would be a good idea anyway.

So what am I supposed to do? We desperately need another income. I'm currently at uni and contribute my student maintenance loan to the household Pot but its not enough. My degree also isn't one that will lead directly to a career. I'd be a graduate so there would be more job options but not a direct career path. And those more job options are likely to be unworkable due to DS anyway.

Am I being deliberately difficult here or are there really no answers?

I will add I did have an evening job but DS really struggled with not seeing me all day whilst at school and then not seeing me at all in the evenings.

Sorry for the length.

Also look for NHS hospitals who haven't sold off their cleaning contracts. I worked out if I did all day Saturday and Sunday as a band 2 house keeper, with the antisocial hours pay I would earn around £600 a month, no need for holiday cover as presumably your DH is off at weekends. It's 12 per hour on Saturdays and £18 per hour on Sundays at my place for band 2.

I honestly cannot believe what I am reading. You are making all these excuses to not work whilst at the same time saying your family needs the money and then you throw in that you are doing this pointless degree that is not going to help in a career anyway! You cannot afford the luxury of a creative writing degree that won’t help your job prospects.

You need to stop being so selfish and do what every other working parent does which is share the load with the other parent if there is one around and sort childcare for when required.

I'm flabbergasted on the degree choice. So many options in STEM, business and finance... which would lead more directly to a well paid and flexible career path!

Sorry but had to pick up on this. It's myth that these are the degrees you should choose to ensure you get a successful graduate career. If you don't have an aptitude or interest in these subjects then it's a terrible choice!

80% of graduate jobs don't require a specific degree subject. They're looking for the skills you developed as a student- a creative writing degree will have allowed the OP an opportunity to develop a range of skills valued by employers.

OP use your university careers service! It's free and it's their job to support you!

OP - I'm confused. One of your posts suggests you have another 18 months left of your degree, so why are you looking for a job now? Or are you just thinking ahead?

Whilst your degree doesn't lead into any particular field, having a degree - any degree - is required for many jobs, so I don't agree it is valueless, like other posters. However, if you're going to just take any old job that fits round your DS it does seem a bit pointless - graduate jobs are likely to want you to be full time during the day.

It seems to me your options are

1. Pause degree; take a job that works rounds DS (maybe after he's in bed)
2. Finish degree; go onto graduate job when finished. By then you may have a better idea of whether DS could cope with after school club/childminder
3. Switch to part time degree in conjunction with a job to build up experience to help you move into something else when you've finished degree

I think the degree choice is fine, people with an ability to write well are incredibly useful in all sorts of roles.

I agree with you, there is no point starting a degree in something if you don’t have an aptitude for it. But OP has said she is not planning to use her degree for anything and seems to be only looking at the lowest paying work.

Also OP, I have a creative writing degree. I am a MW admin. I enter the odd writing comp, if I'm lucky I could win £500. I've never won. Unfortunately there's a lot of people out there who can write good stories. It's like the X factor, there's all those millions of people in the world who can sing. How many can earn a living from it?
To have succeeded in my chosen career I would have been better off going and doing an unpaid internship at a publishing house to see what sort of fiction got published and why. I couldn't afford to do that, can you afford to do that OP?

I should clarify. I don’t think the degree is valueless, I think it is pointless if, as OP states, she has no intention of leveraging it.

Yadaya, I agree, if you don't have any interest in doing a STEM degree then it's probably not a great choice. And it's also true that for some jobs, it's the generic skills learnt from studying a degree which matter, not the actual subject itself.

But the issue here is that the OP's household does not have enough money coming in. She has one school age child and seems to expect to continue doing a degree almost as a hobby, rather than getting out and earning. Even if she's determined to finish the degree, she could work evenings, weekends.... like most Uni students already do!!

When did some people get so entitled that they expect a job to fall into their lap which fits in with the precise hours they want to work, but will bring in the precise amount they need to make up the shortfall in their household budget?

In our area cleaners are paid around £15ph. It’s not great work but it’s work and usually cash in hand and would fit with your availability. Maybe you would be able to take DC with you in school holidays

Have you actually spoken to any ASC/holiday club available to you? Those based in a school often employ school staff - TAs, catering assistants, playground supervisors - so disruption could be minimal. These staff may also be trained to look after children with additional needs. They may not be the dreadful, disturbing places you assume they are.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Whilst nights are definitely something to consider you cannot pour from an empty cup and it seems like with looking after your DS and studying you already have a lot on your plate. I understand the financial pressures especially with the cost of living being so high, I would speak to citizens advice to see if there is any support you can claim. You're working really hard already and doing an amazing job putting your DS's needs first, I hope you find a role that works for you.

@IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads, good suggestion

I'll also add here that of my 3 children, when they progressed from nursery to school, one didn't particularly enjoy after school club. He didn't hate it, I mean obviously if that was the case, I'd have looked hard at other options such as a childminder. But while my other two kids loved it, the third would in all honestly have probably preferred me waiting at the school gate at 3 o'clock!

That didn't mean I chucked in my job. And ironically, if I had done, my other two kids would have been disappointed because they loved going to after school club with their friends, and we couldn't have afforded to just keep them there as a luxury without me working.

My point is: children are pretty resilient and as long as childcare is safe and good quality then don't get hung up about it. Children don't benefit from their parents being martyrs and pandering to their every desire.
FWIW all 3 of my children grew up into perfectly well adjusted adults! Sometimes as a family each member needs to do things which in an absolutely ideal world they wouldn't choose to, and often in doing so, by pushing out of the comfort zone a bit, they realise they can cope much better with life.

Having a child with autism who has just started school cope with an after school club is not the same as a neurotypical child who struggles with an after school club

It is a completely different scenario and definitely a challenge

This is a mother with autism and a child who most likely has autism who is struggling

The poster has an unsupported husband
It does not help to hear about all the wonderful husbands

it will make her feel worse

Yes explain that he needs to do his share but no one can make him

It would help the poster more if we give positive constructive ideas without the stream of critical judgement and remarks

Poster - you are trying to do your best with the challenges of autism , a child with special needs and do a degree

Get help go to the uni disability service and see what support they can give

Tell then you are struggling

You are being a bit difficult, its all no no no and cant cant cant.

No ones going to hand you a decent salary when you wont make any compromises

You could work 6pm to 10pm
You could work sundays

Any degree opens opportunities

Creative writing degree - could.you look for something in area of publishing?

You’re a team so your husband may need to adapt his working preferences to support his family too.

This!!!! A relationship with children is a partnership, a team of equals. Why is it almost always the mothers that are sidelined into low-paid, night shift jobs?

@Happyhome21 people with ASD and/or children with ASD can still be difficult and entitled.

Being difficult and entitled is not something specific to NT people you know!

I've read the whole thread, I know many people both NT and ND among family and friends. I still think on balance, the OP is creating obstacles rather than looking for solutions.

Hi OP,

sorry if it’s been mentioned already - but given your focus on writing, would you be interested in freelance proof reading/copy editing? It’s not particularly well paid, but is 100% flexible and you could work any hours you wanted. The friend I know that does it also fits it round a difficult schedule. You usually have to do a (paid for, sadly) proof reading course up front, then you get agency work after.

If you are good at fixing things or are happy to watch some you tube and teach yourself you could do handy person typed stuff like putting together flat pack furniture or putting up curtain poles. Charge £20 per hour or a flat rate for half a day and work whenever it suits you.

Hann66 speaks a lot of sense.

I recruit part time work and officially don't have anything to suit. However if you wrote a covering letter with what you can do I have a role that I think would suit. I don't advertise it as it happens often that the right person just comes along to fit it

I understand your concerns about your child and that is going to limit your earning potential.

I think your problem is that you are discounting options because they aren't good enough. Cleaning or midday supervisor work are both a lot better than nothing. Even if you just did 10 hours a week at minimum wage that's an extra £80 a week - enough to cover the gas bill and you won't need any childcare.

You might be able to find freelance writing work or proofreading, that could be an option too. Just start doing something and look for better opportunities.

I'm going to go against the grain here.

OP I suggest you post in SEN or neurodiverse mumsnetters boards instead.

You are getting responses from NT parents of NT DC's.

It's not comparable.

You are a full time student. It's important you concentrate on that atm and get the best grade you can. With a first or 2:1 you could get on a more vocational (paid) postgraduate course.

If you are struggling on your student finances contact the uni's welfare department and check you are getting everything you are entitled to.

Also claim PIP/DLA for yourself and DS. You don't need a diagnosis. Fill the forms in with help from Citizens Advice or similar and see how it goes. (Most need to appeal, but persevere).

This could then increase your student finances / entitlement to UC.

My husband works for the local council for community 'meals on wheels' - delivering lunches to elderly and vulnerable people. Hours are 10 - 2:30 weekdays and every fourth weekend if you're permanent. You have the option though of being permanent (in which case there's limited flexibility so wouldn't be term time only) or 'casual', in which case you choose your own hours. My husband was originally perm but went casual so we could guarantee time off when we wanted it e.g. over Christmas.

Might be worth checking your local council? I know at my husband's office they're always after new staff because the hours don't actually suit most people. It's also incredibly rewarding!