To think a mother doesn’t just walk away from her crying daughter?

[Whatlove]

I’m really upset.
My DS is on his fourth stinking cold since September. He’s been coughing all
weekend and none of us got any sleep. He’s 13 but I feel like we’ve gone back in time to when he was at nursery and got every infection going.

We were meant to be going on a family day out today but as DS is unwell my DH and older son went without us. After I dropped them off my mum saw me get out of car (she was walking home past my house after shopping) and asked what was wrong. I clearly looked awful. I said how worried about DS being unwell again I am, how it was overwhelming constantly worrying if he’s well enough to go to school, how he’s had time off already and school aren’t happy etc etc I said we’d been looking forward to our day out and instead we’re stuck at home.

She could see how upset I was (the tears would be a giveaway) but muttered something about giving him vitamins (I already do) said bye and walked off.

I can’t imagine leaving my child (even a grown up child!) visibly upset without saying something or offering to come in & make them a cup of tea or generally offer some comfort. Didn’t even ask or want to see poor DS. She lives round the corner from me & wasn’t rushing off anywhere so not a time thing.

I don’t know why I’m so upset. My childhood was spent with no emotional support, she can only do superficial chit chat, nothing serious. I guess I just want a mum. I really don’t want to see her anymore, what’s the point.

I get it 💐 I’m really sorry you don’t feel as though you have any support from your mum. I hope you have other people around you who you can talk to. I hope your ds is on the mend soon and you all get a break from sickness for a while.

Why would you want to go into a house where someone is full of a cold? I'd scarper too. I think you are being ott, your teen has a cold, they'll be fine in a few days.

I know exactly where you're coming from here. Becoming a mother yourself really highlights the areas where your parents let you down.
I was feeling similar this weekend, as a single parent and living close to my mother, I spoke to her on the phone and said we were having a really tough weekend and her response was ' well yes when you're stuck in all day with them it gets like that'. We were out and busy but she just assumes whatever she wants to and doesn't any questions. Never knows what we're doing etc!

@Borgonzola I did originally say we can't tell if this is just a one-off occasion where things got too much for OP, or if she is always like this.
And I do know someone who cries and gets very upset at very minor things, often to people who are going through really hard times. It is incredibly selfish behaviour.

Op I understand. My mum is the exact same and it’s very hurtful and sad. And also when you have your own kids it opens your eyes to it even more as you cannot imagine treating your own like that no matter what the age. I hope your poor son is ok! And I hope that you will be too.

Blimey, some really unkind comments on here. There's some dreadful colds going around at the moment, 200+ kids off at our local school. I'd never leave my 17 or 14 year olds home alone sick while I went out and enjoyed myself. Yes, my 17 year old! Because in less than 2 years he'll be at Uni and I won't get to mother him when he's sick😥. You are clearly being a better mother than your mother. I'd only be upset with her given your son's medical history, in which case it was really shitty of her.

@CidleyDidley You would not leave a 17-year-old alone with a bad cold!!

@antelopevalley so you know one person that does it, and it means you have no tolerance for anyone upset for less than reasons that you find pertinent?

@Borgonzola No I have no time for people who make a habit of doing this. I avoid people who indulge in drama.
And I did say we cant tell if OP is this kind of person or not.

@antelopevalley let's give her the benefit of the doubt then shall we

Thankyou so much to everyone who has taken the time to post some lovely supportive messages, they really have helped and made me feel so much better.

Im ready for another sleepless night as DS has not stopped coughing. Our house is very small and his bedroom is next to ours which will mean zero sleep (for those wondering why I can’t sleep through his hacking cough).

All I wanted was for my mum to say a few kind words, maybe a touch on the arm (I never expect a hug) maybe a bit of sympathy. I was feeling overwhelmed at missing our family day out, worried sick about DS, worried about ringing his school & telling them that yes, yet again he’s too unwell to come in. And yes, I admit, feeling a bit sorry for myself. DS has been unwell for the last 4 months and my elder DS has also been unwell and off school too.

Trying to manage a full time job on zero sleep and the constant stomach churning worry about DS has made me want someone to turn to other than my DH and friends. My mother has never been there for me before so I don’t know why I thought she’d care enough this time.

You have every right to feel sorry for yourself. No one gets to tell you what you should or shouldn’t get upset over. Some of the replies on here tonight have been rancid. People taking time out to minimise and mock someone’s personal troubles, no wonder society is in such a state. I’m sorry you’ve got a mum who lacks the basic humanity to comfort her own child. Mine was the same, and her sister was exactly the same with my cousins. We’ve all made sure we didn’t follow in their footsteps.

Is he able to have some over-the counter medicine to help him sleep and ease the cough? I live in the US now but we have NyQuil that’s suitable for 12+ (there’s also a younger children’s version) and it’s really effective. I’m not sure what the equivalent is in the UK, Night Nurse perhaps?

hambone that’s a good idea Thankyou, I’m desperation I have been giving him cough syrup but it has had zero affect. He’s been having cold & flu capsules but will try Night nurse. Just feel so sad for DS, he’s just given me a cuddle & said he’s so
sick of being unwell all the time & is worried he’s never going to get better. I tried to reassure him.

It sounds rotten, OP. Anyone with a shred of sympathy knows what it’s like to cry over something apparently small when you’re exhausted and at the end of your tether, and your son being unwell for weeks is not a small thing. YANBU to hope for some compassion from your mum at all. And there are some absolutely fucking bitches out tonight, who should feel ashamed of themselves, but are probably laying into some other poor sod.

@antelopevalley wow so you know one person but you don't know the OP and you never know what someone is truly going through ever .
What mine seem getting upset over trival things to you may not to someone else or they may even think its trivial themselves but still not be able to hold back from being upset.
Can't judge everyone in one person you know

Wow there's some nasty comments.

OP I'm sorry your mum wasn't more supportive - I get it it's not that your 13 year old had a cold, you were tired, disappointed about your day out and it was just one more thing to worry about.

I cried the other day cause I got stuck in the shower after working a very long day and just wanting a shower and bed. The stupid door jammed and I live alone so had visions of having to sleep in the shower.

I still ring my mum when I need some comfort - she doesn't coddle me but if I sound at the end of my tether she'll offer to come over or make sure she texts or phones me later to check in. I'm in my forties but it doesn't mean she's stopped being my mum.

This^
So sorry OP for the nasty twisted twats on this thread.
You needed a hug from your mum and she acted like a cold fish. So hurtful.

Great post.

The cold is a red herring.

Her daughter was crying and she offered no support. Not many mums would walk on, you'd be wondering what is REALLY causing the tears.

All of these people with younger children who say OP is overreacting will think different when their own darling children are teenagers.
Time and time again you get this, whilst pregnant oh I would never let my child do such and such. Blow me down 3 years later they are. Oh the newborn stage is the hardest thing on earth. Every stage has its difficulties and until you go through it you don't realise. Some are naturally more empathetic and pragmatic others like some of the posters on the thread are just plain ignorant and lack emotion (unless it concerns themselves or their families).

Op have you tried giving your son an antihistamine antihistamine the cough? I had a cough that wouldn't shift and read about using an antihistamine. I did and it cleared it up.

Also, OP, life becomes easier and less stressful when you accept that your mum is never going to be who you want her to be. Once you've made peace with that it won't hurt quite so much when she does these things, as the shock element will be removed.

@antelopevalley did you miss the bit where the OP said her son has a brain tumour? Or would you class that as drama too? And anyway if you can’t show you a feeling overwhelmed to your mum (for whatever reason) then who can you show it to?

OP I had a cough that went on for months. The GP diagnosed a post viral wheeze and gave me an inhaler (have never had asthma and hadn’t been to the GP for at least 15 years 😁). It really helped as my cough was sort of going into spasm - esp at night and in warm rooms. I would never have guessed it was even a wheeze. Anyway the inhaler was really good at stopping the cough and meant I could finally get some sleep. May be worth asking about that.

Maybe there's more to it . Colds don't normally mean time off school, missing days out or coughing all night. Maybe worth a GP visit.

As for the mother - yes she should have at least lingered a couple of moments to check you were ok. Unfortunately you can't change her - it may help to accept that it's not normal behaviour and decide to behave differently towards your own children when they are that age.

Have you read the book you wish your parents had read?