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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not ever go back

183 replies

Annyj · 11/12/2022 12:35

hi,
I am going to try and keep this as brief as possible without outing myself.
been at my job 2 years, it’s not a brilliant job but it works at round my child, I am a single mother and the dad isn’t around so it was important for me to find somewhere flexible.

Anyways, I’ve always getting on with my boss had secretly quite fancied him. This last year we have getting closer- nothing physical but lots of flirting, late night messages and he has sent me some “pictures”. I’m not proud of this for even entertaining it and it’s made me feel so worthless. But it got to the point where I was becoming obsessed with the attention and I loved it.

for the past two months he has treat me like shit, embarrassed me in front of everyone, we’ve had arguments, I’ve been in tears with his treatment and I think he even try to hack into my Facebook at work at one point yet I can’t prove it was him.
my mental health has declined (not because of him) and I am just really struggling with things and the anxiety I feel when I go to work just gets worse because I don’t know what mood he is going to be in etc.

Friday night was our Xmas party. I promised myself I wouldn’t get drunk because of how I was feeling. But lots of free wine and I ended up legless. The night is a bit of a blur and I rang two of the girls I’m quite close with. And they both said the same, I was practically hanging off my boss, flirting with him and basically wouldn’t leave him alone. I made a right pratt of myself. And I hate myself for it. I know everyone will be talking about me, and I am so ashamed because I promised myself I wouldn’t do this.

the fear is real and I really really don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I feel like this is the final nail in the coffin for me at that place, and the shame I am feeling (and embarrassment) topped with his treatment of me is has actually gave me a panic attack today.
nobidy knows at work what has gone on with us so I just look like a desperate tar and it is such a small bitchy place that tomorrow will be awful.
aibu to just never go back and the thought is making me ill.

OP posts:

HereIfYouNeedMe · 11/12/2022 12:40

Oh I really feel for you. Go in tomorrow and act normal, if anyone says anything just say the free wine was a bad idea with a smile and get on with your work. Regarding your boss's treatment of you... do you have an HR department? Keep your head down and just do your job but keep a record of anything he says or does that is inappropriate from tomorrow onwards. Find another job whilst still in this one but honestly
it will blow over by lunch time. Just remember you don't have to put up with any unprofessional behaviour whilst in the workplace

Original poster

Annyj · 11/12/2022 12:42

Thank you for replying.
I just don’t think I can go back in, I’m actually crying writing this. I feel like such an idiot. I just can’t do it.

OP posts:

MolkosTeenageAngst · 11/12/2022 12:43

In your shoes I would definitely be finding a new job as you are right, everybody will be talking about it. Two colleagues at my workplace are rumoured to be having an affair and it has been the main piece of gossip for over a year, nobody can let it lie. Is your boss single or married/ in a relationship? His behaviour in terms of embarrassing you sounds awful and potentially like bullying, but your flirting hasn’t helped and sounds like you have made a name for yourself now.

How long is your notice period? Can you afford to be without work or easily walk into another job? Obviously if you can’t then you have to stay, but maybe you need to be signed off for a bit if your mental health is bad. It also sounds like you could do with counselling to try and get to the root of why you would be throwing yourself at this man when he is treating you so badly.

Oysterbabe · 11/12/2022 12:44

I've made a prat of myself and had the beer fear on many occasions. Head up, brazen it out while you look for something else. Block your boss's number and grey rock him.

HereIfYouNeedMe · 11/12/2022 12:45

Annyj · 11/12/2022 12:42

Thank you for replying.
I just don’t think I can go back in, I’m actually crying writing this. I feel like such an idiot. I just can’t do it.

We've all been here, honestly! It's the hangover, if you don't go back in this will linger and you don't deserve to be unemployed and punish yourself. You won't be the only one who was drunk, even if it is gossiped about these people are irrelevant, just start looking for something else

Original poster

Annyj · 11/12/2022 12:45

I know I’ve made a name for myself and this is what hurts so much as I am not that person. I very rarely drink as I change so much when I do. And last night was prime example of this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Annyj · 11/12/2022 12:47

no I can’t really afford to not work as I have a little boy and I really don’t want to fail him.
that being said I have had my job thrown over my face so much that regardless of this on Friday, my job isn’t safe and I may be losing it after Xmas anyways.

OP posts:

HereIfYouNeedMe · 11/12/2022 12:49

Go in tomorrow and start looking. The place sounds awful

Notimeforaname · 11/12/2022 12:50

I'd return to work until I found a new job.

As you say, you cant afford not to go to work. You're doing it for your son so just suck it up and go in. As a pp said, blame the wine.

Every single person who drinks has had at least one extremely embarrassing, druken moment in their lives.

You have to go to work.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 11/12/2022 12:50

You have 3 options:

go back to work pretend nothing happened and give him the wide birth unless work related.

go on sick to avoid the situation and look for a new job.

go back to work and immediately start looking for a new job.

HereIfYouNeedMe · 11/12/2022 12:50

Have you had an official disciplinary? You need to be aware of your rights within the workplace and don't let them make you a victim

Joilee · 11/12/2022 12:54

I know someone who had to leave a job that was impossible - they had to go to the jobcentre to sign on and were able to use evidence that suggested constructive dismissal (bullying by boss) as a way to get access to benefits immediately. Do you know how easy it would be for you to access benefits if you never went back?

This guy is an arsehole, and I know you feel horrible and embarrassed. Your head is all over the place - and I can understand why! I have been there as well. It will get better, but you need out of that place come hell or high water. It's just a case of how and when.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 11/12/2022 12:57

If you can’t afford not to work then you have to put your son before your feelings and keep going to work. You can’t change how you have acted or what you have done in the past but you can change how you act from now on. Block and delete your bosses number so you can’t get into late night flirting etc with him and avoid him at work as much as you can. If he is purposefully embarrassing you or causing arguments with you then you need to log these occasions and bring them to HR.

If you’ve been at your job 2 years you should have protection from unfair dismissal. Have your workplace followed the correct warning/ disciplinary protocol? Even so, start looking for a new job now and also look at getting yourself some counselling so you can avoid getting into this situation again as unfortunately far too many workplaces have a sleazy (usually married) man who is open to flirting and sexting etc with his colleagues.

Original poster

Annyj · 11/12/2022 12:57

No I’ve never had a disciplinary.

OP posts:

MakeItRain · 11/12/2022 12:58

Just brazen it out. If people mention it just say "Oh I know, I'm not used to alcohol. I won't ever be drinking that much again." If they push the flirting you just need to say "I can't even remember doing that." And repeat the line about never drinking again. Or say "next time I'm drinking coke".

Meanwhile, look for a new job. But don't just not go back, because ultimately that will make it harder for you to find somewhere new.

Keep downplaying what happened if people quiz you. If people try to embarrass you by saying things like "I can't believe you were doing xyz" you just agree, "I know, I can't believe it either......" and repeat your lines about not drinking/ not being used to drinking/ sticking with coke next time. You've got nothing to be ashamed of. He was stringing you along and flirting. "Hanging off him" doesn't sound like terrible behaviour. There will be people all over the country feeling like you do. If you downplay it you'll be yesterday's news before you know it. Concentrate on the lovely feeling you will get when you hand your notice in.

HereIfYouNeedMe · 11/12/2022 13:00

Annyj · 11/12/2022 12:57

No I’ve never had a disciplinary.

Then you have a case for harassment

Georgeskitchen · 11/12/2022 13:02

Head high,shoulders back and walk straight in. Remember your boss isn't an innocent party in all of this and if he has been making your life difficult in the workplace, you need to be documenting everything. My advice is to brazen it out, soon enough their will be something new to be gossiped about

Boobingtons · 11/12/2022 13:08

Never make a big decision while you have The Fear.

Go to work tomorrow and dust off your CV. It sounds like a terrible work environment and you’re better off out of there.

When you say “pictures”, what do you mean? Are they sexual and explicit?

XanaduKira · 11/12/2022 13:12

Oysterbabe · 11/12/2022 12:44

I've made a prat of myself and had the beer fear on many occasions. Head up, brazen it out while you look for something else. Block your boss's number and grey rock him.

Yep, this. Bright and breezy Op (whilst also looking for a new job). Good luck as the fear is real.

Aprilx · 11/12/2022 13:12

Annyj · 11/12/2022 12:47

What do you mean you have had your job thrown over your face?

I think you need to hold your head up, go into work and front it out. But I would also make new job hunting a priority, it sounds like a fresh start woudl be beneficial for you.

Penaltyshootoutfan · 11/12/2022 13:13

You’re going to have to pull your big girl pants up and style it out. I’m sorry.

you need to money , going on the sick everyone will know it’s due to this,

start applying for other jobs, and if anyone comments just laugh and say yeah that’s what beer goggles do to you and let it go

VladmirsPoutine · 11/12/2022 13:25

You're going to have to put on a brave face even if you're feeling an anxious wreck on the inside. Don't call in sick otherwise you'll make the issue worse. Blame it on the alcohol and try not to dwell too much on it. You do need to look for a new job in the meantime keep your head down and focus on work.

tara66 · 11/12/2022 13:34

Just brazen it out - laugh and joke about it. If comments are made just make them back saying something like - ''It's just once a year this happens to me''! ; ''the mistletoe has been thrown out now!'' - etc.

BornIn78 · 11/12/2022 13:37

You need to look for a new job, even something short term and get out of your current workplace asap. You’ve crossed a line with your boss, some of it witnessed by your colleagues, and you’ll struggle to get it back on a professional footing ever again.

Grey rock any mention of the Christmas do and your behaviour.

I would take the very first job that comes along even just as a stopgap.

OliveWah · 11/12/2022 13:37

You will no doubt feel a bit better tomorrow once the hangxiety lessens a bit.

It sounds like your boss has been treating you appallingly. In your shoes, I would go to HR and show them the photos he sent you, then explain how he's been treating you like shit recently.

I'd get in there first, but start looking for another job in the meantime, it sounds toxic.

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