To not ever go back

[Annyj]

hi,
I am going to try and keep this as brief as possible without outing myself.
been at my job 2 years, it’s not a brilliant job but it works at round my child, I am a single mother and the dad isn’t around so it was important for me to find somewhere flexible.

Anyways, I’ve always getting on with my boss had secretly quite fancied him. This last year we have getting closer- nothing physical but lots of flirting, late night messages and he has sent me some “pictures”. I’m not proud of this for even entertaining it and it’s made me feel so worthless. But it got to the point where I was becoming obsessed with the attention and I loved it.

for the past two months he has treat me like shit, embarrassed me in front of everyone, we’ve had arguments, I’ve been in tears with his treatment and I think he even try to hack into my Facebook at work at one point yet I can’t prove it was him.
my mental health has declined (not because of him) and I am just really struggling with things and the anxiety I feel when I go to work just gets worse because I don’t know what mood he is going to be in etc.

Friday night was our Xmas party. I promised myself I wouldn’t get drunk because of how I was feeling. But lots of free wine and I ended up legless. The night is a bit of a blur and I rang two of the girls I’m quite close with. And they both said the same, I was practically hanging off my boss, flirting with him and basically wouldn’t leave him alone. I made a right pratt of myself. And I hate myself for it. I know everyone will be talking about me, and I am so ashamed because I promised myself I wouldn’t do this.

the fear is real and I really really don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I feel like this is the final nail in the coffin for me at that place, and the shame I am feeling (and embarrassment) topped with his treatment of me is has actually gave me a panic attack today.
nobidy knows at work what has gone on with us so I just look like a desperate tar and it is such a small bitchy place that tomorrow will be awful.
aibu to just never go back and the thought is making me ill.

Hold on - your boss has sent you dick pcs and YOU'RE the one who is embarrassed for getting drunk?!

Unfortunately you’re just going to have to front it out. Remember, it is worse in your head than anyone else’s. There will be others with the fear. It always happens after Christmas dos.
just laugh it off and say, ‘there’s a reason I don’t really drink!’ Any mention of your boss, ‘I don’t remember - god what was I thinking?!’

Definitely start looking for a new job but don’t let this jeopardise things for you and your little boy while you look.

Also if you were that bad he could have bloody left!

His behaviour towards you is bullying at best. I am not sure why you are being treated appallingly by him when you have done nothing wrong.

He needs reporting to someone. Are you in a union? Also ACAS are great for advice.

You have to go back, but you do need to report him for his disgusting behaviour towards you. This is not your fault.

Your boss has completely crossed the line in terms of our policy on workplace relationships. If you have a HR I'd go see them. Then also look for another job. It is always on the person in power to stop relationships becoming personal like this has.

Wow get a grip. It was a bit of flirting at the Christmas Do. They will be talking about something else on Tuesday. Trust me

Oh god, sounds a nightmare. I remember being told a work event is considered ‘in work time’ so all behaviour was considered to open to potential disciplinary, as you can imagine that was fun but I don’t know if that is the case, maybe a HR person might come along to confirm.

Equally your boss has behaved terribly!! What an arsehole I suspect he might very well know it hence his treatment, he has abused his position. Do you have an HR department?

Id go in tomorrow and start looking for another job but seek independent advice on the whole situation from ACAS.

Thank you everyone for replying! I’m trying to take everyone’s advice on board but I just feel really sad and embarrassed.
I have cried on my mum so much today 🙈 she knows how bad it is and just doesn’t want me to go back at all. Has said for me to put a sick note in but then people will think it’s just down to the Xmas party.
im tempted to just hand my notice in and say I will work from home. The thought of going back in these is actually making me vomit. Everyone is up his arse and doesn’t have a clue what has gone on with us previously so I just look like a desperate tart.
it is so toxic that I know he will make me look bad tomorrow and nobody will speak to me. And I know I have brought this on myself but I really feel like I just can’t go back in. I feel sick.

I promise you its not as bad as you think. Right now you have hangover blues everything seems worse. Remember other people were drinking too. No one will be sitting at home right now thinking about you. Most people will have no idea of your antics, they were too busy having fun to be watching you. If someone apart from your friends noticed your behaviour they will just think you have a Crush on your boss no big deal you were drunk. You are worrying for no reason honestly.

Also we don’t have a HR department, we are such a small company there is only 12 of us in total.

One of my colleagues this morning rang me and told me everyone has been talking about how embarrassing I was. So yeah il be the talk of the place.

Well that wasn't helpful from your colleague. Hold your head high Op and ignore. Easier said than done, I know, but you will get through this.

Can you use your colleagues to your advantage? Ring back and say look you're really embarrassed, you need the job for your little boy can they have your back tomorrow? I'd do it for someone.

Do you have copies of the pictures he’s sent? Proof of the affair?

ultimately you shouldn’t be at a disadvantage because you had an affair with your boss. The company need to resolve this. Does he have a boss?

You got legless and flirted a bit. He's sent you "pictures". I'd say he is in the wrong here. If the job fits around you and your child, don't be in too much of a hurry to turn it in. As others have said, just style it out. They'll be talking about someone/something else soon enough. And don't drink at a works do again.

But did you actually do anything untoward? Was it more of a case that you kept trying to talk to him or were you trying to kiss him/grab him?

Yes, you should go back. Flouncing out of a job never looks good on a CV.

So you go back, pretend everything is normal, deflect any comments if there are any, and focus on doing your job.

This afternoon, update your CV and start looking for a new job.

And look into controlling your drinking (try This Naked Mind on YouTube). You never want to find yourself in such a situation again.

If you were to get drunk in a situation where there is no one who'd look out for you, you could risk putting yourself in serious danger. What would happen to your children then?

God I'd be tempted to brazen it out, and tell them you're mortified for getting drunk and that the dick pics your boss sent you obviously gave you the wrong message !

You were drunk stop feeling bad! Honestly just own it. Go in tomorrow and say walk of shame coming through.

So much good advice here. Op, we’ve all done things we’re not proud of that other people have witnessed. Your boss has acted appallingly. I agree with pp that you need to find another job because the boss is awful. Go in and hold your head high—face the music and show them you are there to work, and behind the scenes you are diligently seeking new employment ASAP.

They’re helpful 🙄

Honestly, own it is the best advice. It stops the gossipers in their tracks - there’s no entertainment value if you’re not ashamed. I would go down the road if ‘well now the beer google’s are off obviously I wouldn’t touch him with yours! Won’t be drinking at work do’s again!’ and then just smile and agree. Fake it till you make it, even if you’re dying of embarrassment on the inside don’t let them see. Have you approached him directly? You might feel better addressing that before you have to go in.

I do think you’re suffering ‘the fear’ today and also think searching, at your leisure, for a new job is a good idea anyway if you have other concerns about your job security and boundaries with this bloke have become blurred.

These pictures he sent you - did you send any back?

Is he married?

Your colleague was a real bitch telling you that. I'd do as the others have said - go to work, say you're going teetotal and can't remember any of it. Say it's not as if you even fancy the guy. Keep as quiet as you can about it.

Don't give in your notice until you have another job to go to.

To be blunt, you need the job so you go back. You're not the first person to act like an idiot at a Christmas night out.
Brazen it out. Say you can't remember what happened and don't want to know. Just repeat that same statement to anyone who mentions it. They'll soon stop trying to talk to you about it.
Meanwhile, start looking and applying for other jobs.

Another vote for brazening it out. Hold your head high, if anyone says anything, say 'my beer goggles were firmly in place, how embarrassing' and laugh. Blank your ridiculous boss and if he says anything to you, tell him you're speaking to ACAS about the photos he sent.

Good advice here.

And if he has sent you intimate pictures, and you have kept them, then you have evidence that he is the one who has come on to you - or at least that it was mutual - he sounds a tw*t.