To not ever go back

[Annyj]

hi,
I am going to try and keep this as brief as possible without outing myself.
been at my job 2 years, it’s not a brilliant job but it works at round my child, I am a single mother and the dad isn’t around so it was important for me to find somewhere flexible.

Anyways, I’ve always getting on with my boss had secretly quite fancied him. This last year we have getting closer- nothing physical but lots of flirting, late night messages and he has sent me some “pictures”. I’m not proud of this for even entertaining it and it’s made me feel so worthless. But it got to the point where I was becoming obsessed with the attention and I loved it.

for the past two months he has treat me like shit, embarrassed me in front of everyone, we’ve had arguments, I’ve been in tears with his treatment and I think he even try to hack into my Facebook at work at one point yet I can’t prove it was him.
my mental health has declined (not because of him) and I am just really struggling with things and the anxiety I feel when I go to work just gets worse because I don’t know what mood he is going to be in etc.

Friday night was our Xmas party. I promised myself I wouldn’t get drunk because of how I was feeling. But lots of free wine and I ended up legless. The night is a bit of a blur and I rang two of the girls I’m quite close with. And they both said the same, I was practically hanging off my boss, flirting with him and basically wouldn’t leave him alone. I made a right pratt of myself. And I hate myself for it. I know everyone will be talking about me, and I am so ashamed because I promised myself I wouldn’t do this.

the fear is real and I really really don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I feel like this is the final nail in the coffin for me at that place, and the shame I am feeling (and embarrassment) topped with his treatment of me is has actually gave me a panic attack today.
nobidy knows at work what has gone on with us so I just look like a desperate tar and it is such a small bitchy place that tomorrow will be awful.
aibu to just never go back and the thought is making me ill.

Honestly it will be a bit of salacious office gossip for a week or so then they move onto something else.
You need to brazen it out. If anyone says anything just say " I was extremely drunk, I have no recollection of what happened"
In the meantime start to look for a new job anyway, the job sounds toxic, but its much easier to get another job if you are already in work.

Honestly, just brazen it out and say you had way too much to drink. If they mention the flirting just say that the wine must have been stronger than you thought. Doing that gives them very little to say or gossip and you will become old new fast.

Update your cv this evening and start applying for new roles. This seems a wise course of action if your role could be gone in January. Keep away from Boss as much as you can and try to keep as much communication to email.

Oh it's the most miserable feeling in the world OP. You have my sympathy.

Go in and brazen it out. Just say: And that's why i don;t usually drink.

If he makes life difficult for you, remind him you have a history of explicit messages from him including pics and that if he tries to edge you out and play any more shaming/put down games you will log them as evidence of constructive dismissal.

He really shouldn't have entered into flirtatious pics and texts with you, as he;s your boss. He's in more trouble than you.

It's practically obligatory for one person to get drunk and make a fool of themselves at the Christmas party. The fact that everyone has been talking about it actually works to your advantage, because it will be old news by tomorrow.

You need this job, so go in and ignore the gossip, say breezily "what was I like; I'm never drinking again!" if you feel obliged to comment. And start looking for another job. Because this one sounds awful.

What really stood out to me about your post op was that you repeatedly didnt want to or mean to do something, but then whoops, did it anyway. If you change jobs, make sure you change that pattern too and use willpower!

@Annyj Don’t go in. If the thought of it is making you stressed and ill then don’t do it.
Get signed off for a week & take your time to decide if you want to hand in your notice & look at other roles. 💐

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. I think you should go in work and brave it out. As people have said blame the drink, it happens all the time at Xmas parties. Your bosses treatment towards you however is disgusting he sounds like he likes the initial attention from flirting then once he gets it he devalues you.
Classic narcissistic bullying, grey rock him and look for a better job.

Definitely go to work.
Block your boss's number - do not engage.
Get in early.
Be bright and breezy.
Head down, busy bee.
Don't hide.
Brush off the comments - good suggestions above.
Use all the resources available in this job to find your next job.

Thanks again everyone. I feel like one of those posters who annoy me though…everyone is giving good advice then il just go against it regardless so I apologise I’m that annoying person.

I seriously don’t think I can go in though and it’s so frustrating coz the old me before I started working in this toxic environment would have just said fuck it and laughed about it.
but my mental Health is actually really bad so I know I’m probably making things 10x worse in my head. But I just can’t take the bitchiness, how il be the talk of the office and how nobody will speak to me because he will literally make my life awkward and uncomfortable incase people guessed something was going on.

I know I need to man up but I literally can’t. And it’s so pathetic.

I'd probably do something like this. And look for another job, if you feel like you would prefer to.

Your boss has abused his position of authority with the messages he has been sending you (and anything else that happened). Then, acted like a bully after, maybe because his wife found out (if he is married) or because he realised he shouldn't have behaved that way and wants to make it look like you're lying if you tell anyone.

Have a look on the entitledto website to see what you could claim if you're not working. If you can't afford not to work you're going to have to go to work until you find something better. As a previous poster mentioned, you will need to prove that you have left for a good reason if you're planning to claim benefits.

We have all done stupid, embarrassing things when we drink. It feels awful the next day, the anxiety can be overwhelming, and the fact your colleagues are feeding your anxiety is making it 100 times worse.
Just remember that in a few days no one will care or even mention it. You're going to be feeling worse about yourself than anyone else is.
And you haven't done anything that bad, got hammered and acted flirty with the boss. You didn't hurt anyone. It's really not that bad, just embarrassing for you.

And honestly, I got so sick of the hangxiety that I stopped drinking 18 months ago and I feel so much better for it. If alcohol makes you feel this bad then think about whether it's worth it.

Could you go in & say something like "goodness me I drank too much & embarrassed myself"?

Your boss is obviously also in the wrong.

I guess he's treating you like shit now in the hope that you'll leave & not expose him?

It’s not pathetic, it’s human.

BUT, you need your job and what that brings you. You’re not doing this for any of them you’re doing it for you and your ds. Their ridiculous need for scandal and drama pales in comparison to the reasons you do this particular job.

Fuck ‘em and keep telling yourself that repeatedly till it’s an automatic thought.

OP it will be the talk of the office for about a week.
Go in with your head up, if teased acknowledge you’re a lightweight.
And perhaps make a joke eg. Yes, we’ll I would need to be drunk to have flirted with him.
If your manager is rude to you just mentally flick him the v’s and ignore him.

I used to work in an organisation where men and women got up to all sorts at Xmas parties and nobody took it seriously. And these were senior managers, married and with dc. It happens and your colleagues are just glad it’s not them this time.

I’ve been in your shoes.

Honestly, it’s the beer fear / hanxiety. People all across the country are feeling like shit the day after their Xmas party and wondering how they embarrassed themselves and what people are saying about them.

Tomorrow won’t be as bad as you fear, as others have said go in, head down, do your job, laugh it off. “If you can’t make a drunken fool of yourself at the office Xmas party when can you - haha, but I’m never drinking again 🤣”. Be breezy even though you know the situation is more complex

Keep your resolve re his inappropriateness and don’t engage. Quietly look for another job, something you can start in the new year

If you call in sick you’ll just prolong the dread. Rip that plaster off and go in. You. Will. Be. Fine

It’s always easier to find a job if you are already in one. Try to brazen it out. If you go along with people and agree you were drunk/silly, they will get bored quite quickly with the teasing. You definitely need a new job though, just to get away from toxic boss. Good luck.

You got drunk at the office party and did some harmless flirting? Hardly crime of the century. people will gossip because that’s what people do. Hold your head up high and go to work (then look for another job)

It's not pathetic, @Annyj, you did a daft thing but it wasn't malicious & it does sound rather like he's been leading you on. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

If I were you I would try to just own it, admit to your colleagues that you drank too much & behaved foolishly. They've probably seen people drunk many times, they won't be shocked. As for your boss, I'd speak to ACAS, ASAP. And keep all the texts he sent you, don't engage in any more. He sounds like a wanker & a bully.

And yes, if anyone keeps bringing it up, just keep repeating "God yes, I'm never drinking/getting drunk/drinking wine again, could you imagine, haha" or something like that. Make fun of yourself a bit for acting out of control. If you make it obvious that you're not ashamed of what happened, it takes the wind out of their sails, so to speak.

You’re making out you stripped naked and had sex on the dance floor! Calm down, sounds like your colleagues are revelling in your embarrassment and are making things worse. They’ll be loving this. There’s flirty banter between you and your boss and you were all over him at the Christmas party. That’s it. Don’t leave a job for that. You have a son. Hold your head high. If people give you stick in the office, drop your boss in it. Say ‘look I know I was pissed the other night, and looked like I was all over him, but he’s done worse. You don’t know the half of it.’ You don’t need to go in to detail, but he’s more in the wrong than you.

Can you afford to live without your wages? As you won’t get benefits straight away if you hand your notice in. These things happen. As I say to my kids, it might be bad tomorrow, but it will be chip paper by the end of the week

I like the sentiment @Moveoverdarlin but I wouldn’t be adding anymore fuel to the fire personally, it’s just giving them more to gossip about. If I needed to counter gossip that alluded to anything else I might pull it out the bag but none of the rest of it is anything they need even a sniff of further gossip over.

Go back to work. Apologise to anyone who was at the party 'I'm so embarrassed by how drunk I got the other night, I don't drink much and clearly can't handle it. Apologies if I did or said anything embarrassing. Please don't tell me what I did, I'm mortified enough by the few things I can remember' Then just move on. Everyone who drinks will be likely to have had one or possibly more experience of being embarrassingly drunk. It'll blow over in no time, and while you wait for that to happen just get your head down and keep a low profile. You can do this op!

Be a shame if you accidently printed one of his pics out on the office printer tomorrow... pic of his turkey giblets would take the attention straight off of you!!