To not ever go back

[Annyj]

hi,
I am going to try and keep this as brief as possible without outing myself.
been at my job 2 years, it’s not a brilliant job but it works at round my child, I am a single mother and the dad isn’t around so it was important for me to find somewhere flexible.

Anyways, I’ve always getting on with my boss had secretly quite fancied him. This last year we have getting closer- nothing physical but lots of flirting, late night messages and he has sent me some “pictures”. I’m not proud of this for even entertaining it and it’s made me feel so worthless. But it got to the point where I was becoming obsessed with the attention and I loved it.

for the past two months he has treat me like shit, embarrassed me in front of everyone, we’ve had arguments, I’ve been in tears with his treatment and I think he even try to hack into my Facebook at work at one point yet I can’t prove it was him.
my mental health has declined (not because of him) and I am just really struggling with things and the anxiety I feel when I go to work just gets worse because I don’t know what mood he is going to be in etc.

Friday night was our Xmas party. I promised myself I wouldn’t get drunk because of how I was feeling. But lots of free wine and I ended up legless. The night is a bit of a blur and I rang two of the girls I’m quite close with. And they both said the same, I was practically hanging off my boss, flirting with him and basically wouldn’t leave him alone. I made a right pratt of myself. And I hate myself for it. I know everyone will be talking about me, and I am so ashamed because I promised myself I wouldn’t do this.

the fear is real and I really really don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I feel like this is the final nail in the coffin for me at that place, and the shame I am feeling (and embarrassment) topped with his treatment of me is has actually gave me a panic attack today.
nobidy knows at work what has gone on with us so I just look like a desperate tar and it is such a small bitchy place that tomorrow will be awful.
aibu to just never go back and the thought is making me ill.

The thought of it will be worse than the reality.

Staying at home will just prolong the anxiety.

If you can get through the next two days, people will move on.

Anyone says anything to you - just go with it, laugh it off. Some good lines from PP. Brazen it out - oh I'm glad the beer goggles have worn off now etc etc

You've got this OP.

I feel for you, I know what it's like getting hooked on attention.

Don't beat yourself up about it, take a deep breath and go in. You will feel very anxious at first but then it will dissipate.

Ask others what they got up to that night and say the wine really hit you! It'll be OK.

An almost identical thread was posted last year (I had to check the date on this one).

So you're not alone OP. I'm not sure how to find the thread but I'll try, so perhaps you can take some tips from it.

"Pfffft are we still talking about this? Righto."

"OK, and?"

Repeat ad nasueum.

Be brave and brazen, look for another job and hand in your notice after Xmas. Ignore your boss apart from professional matters in the interim.

And whoever called you is not your friend. Just head down and ignore them all.

DO NOT SHOW OR DISTRIBUTE ANY PRIVATE MESSAGES OR IMAGES SENT TO YOU BY YOUR BOSS. this is incredibly dumb advice.

I know I need to man up but I literally can’t.

Yes you can.

What's the worst that can happen? And if it does, you'll deal with it.

Fake it till you make it. Everybody does it, and you can too!

It’s a small company of 12 people? So you only have to face 12 people? Brazen it out and look for a new job. 12 people is nothing, you can do it! And if you have been getting obscene pics from your boss, you should contact someone in employment law. He must be shitting bricks, what an arse!

Of course you have to go in. You are an adult and cant just not turn up because you are embarrassed. Go in and hand in your notice if you want to but you cant not just turn up.

The person who called you is a drama lama and bot very kind. Who does that? Just ignore.

Oh you poor thing! I could have written this post about 15 years ago. Over the years I've realised that single Mums can be pretty vulnerable, we're often lonely, low self esteem, and when someone lasts us some attention, it's really flattering. Now I'm older (and hopefully a little wiser!) I've realised that decent men don't treat women like this.

Your boss is an arse. Go into work with your head held high. People will gossip for a day or so, but it'll blow over. We've all done silly things when we're drunk. I would look for another job though, just because you'll feel better when you don't have to see him everyday.

Thank you again for all your supportive messages.

the thing is my mental health has really suffered and I just can’t take anymore so this is the final nail in the coffin for me.

it was only 2 weeks ago I literally had a melt down through that place yet and how I’m treat but again didnt want to fail my son so I went back and didn’t say anything.
the sad thing is I actually have feelings for this guy, and I know how he will act tomorrow if I do go in. He will make my life hell. I just don’t think I can deal with that right now.
I know you are all saying I need to man up, but this is just one of many things in that place and it’s getting to the point where I just can’t do it anymore

Look, it doesn't sound like you stripped naked and mounted him astride the buffet table. You've just made a bit of a fool of yourself. I have seen and heard of far worse. I've had to pack somebody off for emergency contraception after one office party. Imagine on a team building exercise, two married people - married to other people - being caught in the act by both their respective spouses. The last team building workshop I was on two of the attached participants decamped with each other. A decent man or those female friends should have packed you off home in a taxi. Just say you had a bit too much to drink on an empty stomach. The gossip will blow over. Honestly, what can they say - you got drunk and behaved stupidly? I'd look for another job as it doesn't sound a very nice workplace.

If it's put you in this headspace OP then don't go. Your son needs his mummy more than you need that place making you feel like that. It's just not worth it.

Leaving a job after making a tit of oneself on a works night out is a luxury that can be afforded to people with no responsibilities who can walk into another job easily. Not for single parents with bills to pay, particularly when you need the flexibility of this role.

If you can muster the courage, front it out. Honestly. Walk in with a cheery, God yes I was shitfaced, can't remember a thing and say no more. If people helpfully try and 'fill you in', give them a slightly puzzled, ok then.... look and get your head down. Trust me, anyone wanting to make you feel worse is just secretly thankful that it was you, not them, this time.

If you really can't muster up the courage, then listen to your mum- sick note, and a proper, grown up exit plan.

I like @TrentCrimm 's plan. Stick to being astonished when anybody says anything about Friday night, blandly agree that people are ridiculous when drunk, and stick it out till Tuesday. Then if you can't bear it get a sick note.

Do you think an appointment with your GP might help (if they do that in the UK any more) and ask for some help for your mental health? I'm currently in a job that I find alternately very hard work or completely terrifying. I've got all sorts of stress related conditions. I am leaving in the New Year as I have something else lined up and it can't come quickly enough. I do understand that something can be be overwhelming. Forgive yourself about this - you made a mistake in stressful circumstances and it doesn't define you as a person.

If anyone says anything just say, "I know, I'm never drinking again. I thought it was all a bit of a laugh when he started sending me flirty messages and pictures, but I've realised I'm not the one putting my career on the line for abuse of power. He can be an arse but I don't want him to lose his job because of me, even if he should know better."

if your workfriends are still talking about what happened after christmas then that's on them and they are knobfaces enjoying the fact they can talk about someone other than them. you'll be talked about for a bit and then someone else will be talked about. having a hangover makes everything seem worse (stating the bloody obvious)

everyone (i.e. me) has done that sort of thing at a christmas party.

but if your boss is a wanker then maybe it's time to look for something else incase his knobbbby behaviour escalates.

Go in with your head held high and just concentrate on your son. People will be thinking of their own drunken behaviour rather than yours. Your boss sounds like an arsehole, but you need never, ever see him again when you have left. You do need to work your notice though. Give the boss a wide bearth, keep your head down and you will soon be out. But sadly, if you don’t go back and work your notice you won’t get a reference. It happened to me years ago and it was horrendous. We have all been there! Take care

Do you have a HR department? If you genuinely feel like you can't go in, please, please do it the right way. Ring in sick. Ring the doctor. Email HR and explain that your mental health is bad and you are unwell but that the behaviour of your boss has made it worse. The fact is in workplace terms you've done absolutely nothing wrong, whereas most places would definitely think what your boss has done is worthy of a disciplinary. If they get rid of you, you would have a very strong case for constructive dismissal.

Do you get full sick pay or SSP?

I don’t get sick pay no. I am on UC but I don’t know how that works if you’re off sick?

Like others have said OP, deep breath and go in. By half 9, everyone should be working and you’ll be over the thought of walking in. If anyone does mention it just say you got hellishly drunk and won’t be doing it again. Say sorry if you embarrassed them at all, then walk away and get on with your work.

I feel for you. I’ve been there before. Got very flirty with another staff member many, many years ago. A girl from work last year drank a lot of wine on an empty stomach and vomited all over the table, just as main courses finished. She was upset and embarrassed when she came in but by the end of the day it was forgotten.

Go in and if anyone says anything to you admit it sounds embarrassing and be completely upfront about how embarrassing you must have been and be upset about the fool you must have made of yourself but you can remember walking into the venue and certain bits up to a point and then everything else is a complete blank and you can’t remember getting home or going to bed let alone what you did during the evening.

In the nicest way possible op, your colleagues aren't nearly as interested in you as you think they are. There might be some gossiping in the morning but ime this is often borne put of relief at not being the focus of said gossip rather than anything malicious.

Go to work, style it out "oh my god, what am I like? Remind me never to drink again!" And start working on your cv and getting it out there. Your boss sounds like an arsehole and it's not going to end well

I’m sure this is been said earlier on in this road already but honest goodness nobody will care in the long-term if you’re good at your job so just be good at your job. Keep your head down. The person who should be shitting themselves this morning is your boss because nobody will believe for one moment that you suddenly came over like a lovesick puppy with absolutely no encouragement from him.