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Original poster

To not ever go back

183 replies

Annyj · 11/12/2022 12:35

hi,
I am going to try and keep this as brief as possible without outing myself.
been at my job 2 years, it’s not a brilliant job but it works at round my child, I am a single mother and the dad isn’t around so it was important for me to find somewhere flexible.

Anyways, I’ve always getting on with my boss had secretly quite fancied him. This last year we have getting closer- nothing physical but lots of flirting, late night messages and he has sent me some “pictures”. I’m not proud of this for even entertaining it and it’s made me feel so worthless. But it got to the point where I was becoming obsessed with the attention and I loved it.

for the past two months he has treat me like shit, embarrassed me in front of everyone, we’ve had arguments, I’ve been in tears with his treatment and I think he even try to hack into my Facebook at work at one point yet I can’t prove it was him.
my mental health has declined (not because of him) and I am just really struggling with things and the anxiety I feel when I go to work just gets worse because I don’t know what mood he is going to be in etc.

Friday night was our Xmas party. I promised myself I wouldn’t get drunk because of how I was feeling. But lots of free wine and I ended up legless. The night is a bit of a blur and I rang two of the girls I’m quite close with. And they both said the same, I was practically hanging off my boss, flirting with him and basically wouldn’t leave him alone. I made a right pratt of myself. And I hate myself for it. I know everyone will be talking about me, and I am so ashamed because I promised myself I wouldn’t do this.

the fear is real and I really really don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I feel like this is the final nail in the coffin for me at that place, and the shame I am feeling (and embarrassment) topped with his treatment of me is has actually gave me a panic attack today.
nobidy knows at work what has gone on with us so I just look like a desperate tar and it is such a small bitchy place that tomorrow will be awful.
aibu to just never go back and the thought is making me ill.

OP posts:
Justthisonce12 · 11/12/2022 16:55

Annyj · 11/12/2022 16:35

I don’t get sick pay no. I am on UC but I don’t know how that works if you’re off sick?

I believe it works that you’re up shit Creek if you leave without a good reason and another job to go to

Notimeforaname · 11/12/2022 16:57

Ok op, you go sick and eventually quit, how are you going to pay for yourself and your child?
What's the plan until you find a new job and get paid?

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 11/12/2022 16:57

He is a cunt, onwards and upwards and always stay sober around your enemies.

Sandra1984 · 11/12/2022 16:59

@MeMyCatsAndMyBooks go back to work pretend nothing happened and give him the wide birth unless work related.

This. Act like nothing happened (you got a bit hammered at the Christmas party so feking what?) , your boss is a jerk, now you know, act very professional, perform as best as you can, you don't care about this man, stick to your work duties, be nice to him but grey rock him. Emotionally disengage from the situation. In the meanwhile you start looking for a better job. Yes you can.

GinPenguin · 11/12/2022 16:59

Sick pay isn't for people who have had too much to drink at a Christmas party, behaved in a stupid manner and now are too ashamed to show their face.

Go into work, hand in your notice and move on, but don't stoop lower by abusing the system.

Babdoc · 11/12/2022 17:00

OP, hold your head high. Let me tell you about my DD and her office Christmas party. DD got exceedingly drunk, and loudly told the entire board of directors that they were all cunts.
The MD went home at midnight. DD partied on. At 2am she phoned the MD, in bed with his wife, woke him up and told him he was still a cunt.
Next morning, horrified, DD began to vaguely recall the evening. She bought a large tray of luxury doughnuts, went into the office trembling, convinced she would be fired, and handed them round the directors with abject apologies. They fell about laughing. DD got promoted!
Things are never as bad as you imagine. Take the advice so many PPs have offered, go to work and just live it down. It will be a v temporary topic of gossip (if at all) and soon forgotten.

TheWeeDonkeyFella · 11/12/2022 17:08

Honestly OP, you are not the first and wont be the last to feel like this after a drunken work do. The colleagues contacting you sound like shit stirrers too and probably revelling in making you feel worse.

Please listen to the good advice above and take a deep breath and go in tomorrow. Have your lines ready to bat off any comments "never again" etc. Dont make yours and your childs lives harder in the weeks and months to come because of a daft mistake. Get the first day over with then use it as fuel for serious job hunting as it sounds a dreadful work environment without the nightout. It will be harder to get another job if you just walk away from your current one.

We know you'll dread walking in that door in the morning but just think about pay day. If you can get to a chemist/supermarket first thing, buy some Bach Rescue Remedy - drops or lozenges, they are herbal and take the edge off nerves. People take them for flying, exams ect and I use for when I have to give work presentations (which I hate and lose sleep over) and they do help.

BellePeppa · 11/12/2022 17:08

HereIfYouNeedMe · 11/12/2022 13:00

Then you have a case for harassment

Show quote history

Can you though, if you’ve been seen by everyone hanging on to him and flirting etc? 🤷‍♀️

Canthave2manycats · 11/12/2022 17:10

You have to go back really - you can't afford not to! You won't get benefits if you walk out of your job. It's two weeks until Christmas and you will be off then for a few days - concentrate on making it through to then. Just breezily shrug it off - tell them if they are gossiping about you then they are leaving someone else alone!

I also think you should have a quiet word with your boss and remind him you have those pictures.... yeah sure, it's practically blackmail but he should be treating you with kid gloves, given what he has done!

Just remember - these people aren't important to you, and you shouldn't give a flying one what any of them think. Get jobhunting straight away too - it's a shithole, and you can do better x

Sandra1984 · 11/12/2022 17:11

Babdoc · 11/12/2022 17:00

OP, hold your head high. Let me tell you about my DD and her office Christmas party. DD got exceedingly drunk, and loudly told the entire board of directors that they were all cunts.
The MD went home at midnight. DD partied on. At 2am she phoned the MD, in bed with his wife, woke him up and told him he was still a cunt.
Next morning, horrified, DD began to vaguely recall the evening. She bought a large tray of luxury doughnuts, went into the office trembling, convinced she would be fired, and handed them round the directors with abject apologies. They fell about laughing. DD got promoted!
Things are never as bad as you imagine. Take the advice so many PPs have offered, go to work and just live it down. It will be a v temporary topic of gossip (if at all) and soon forgotten.

Your daughter is my hero 🤣

Sandra1984 · 11/12/2022 17:16

@Canthave2manycats I also think you should have a quiet word with your boss and remind him you have those pictures.... yeah sure, it's practically blackmail but he should be treating you with kid gloves, given what he has done!

Absolutely, she can let him know that if he continues being a cunt to her she’s going straight to HR with the photos. He has waaaay more to loose than her. OP: just make sure the threat stays verbal, do not type it/email or record it in any shape or form.

lightand · 11/12/2022 17:19

If you can, go in tomorrow.

Have more hand holds today on here, and tomorrow morning if you need them.

Go in.
Do it all 1 step at a time.

OnlyFannys · 11/12/2022 17:30

Tbh it doesnt sound like you should be working anyway going off the posts about how bad your mental health has been. I would make an apt with your GP with a view to getting signed off for a while until.you are well enough to work. The place doesn't sound very good for you now so I would probably lean towards looking for another job in the meantime.

PeaceJoySleep · 11/12/2022 17:30

Such a difficult situation but I agree with the others. If you can tolerate it at all, go in and brush off any ''slagging''. If people say do you remember how drunk you were, say unfortunately yes i do ! but with a bright kind of demeanour. Don't absorb any shaming. Project an ''onwards and upwards'' mindset. Sit down and brush up linkedin, email agencies, update your cv, see what else is out there. I would get out of there as soon as you get a new job but in the mean time, go easy on yourself. Put it this way, all you need to fix this is a new job. You can get a new job. You only need one! You will get another one.

RethinkingLife · 11/12/2022 17:32

There are far worse office stories on MN than yours and there will be again.

PPs have outlined your choices very neatly.

Good luck with tomorrow. And your job hunt eventually as this doesn't sound like a healthy environment for you.

Crimeismymiddlename · 11/12/2022 17:35

Go in and brazen it out. I have done this myself-more than once and honestly the best way to cope with shame and get people to forget about it and move on is to just be honest that you made a tit out of yourself and laugh-it might be fake but your co-workers sound mean if one decided to ring you up specifically to tell you they’d are all talking about you-have they not got better things to do?
The main issue you have is that in such a small office they will have all twigged you are shagging the boss.
Start job hunting now so you can start the new year with a new job-the change will do your mental health the world of good.

Choconut · 11/12/2022 17:54

If they've already been talking about it today they'll have much less to say tomorrow. It sounds like you're friends with some of them anyway, so stick with them if you can and don't say anything about it.

Is your boss married? If not then you did nothing hugely wrong did you? He'd previously sent you dick pics and was probably loving every minute of you hanging off him no matter what he says after. He's the arsehole there not you.

If he is married then what the hell was he thinking doing all this? - he has done a lot worse than you so fuck him.

2bazookas · 11/12/2022 17:55

Annyj · 11/12/2022 12:45

I know I’ve made a name for myself and this is what hurts so much as I am not that person. I very rarely drink as I change so much when I do. And last night was prime example of this.

Stop kidding yourself "I am not that person." Stop blaming drink.
You're in this mess because you invited, encouraged and permitted inappropriate sexual familiarity at work. You were that person.

You can change.

Start telling yourself " I'm never going to do that again."
Then get on with your job, be professional, keep your distance.

EcoChica1980 · 11/12/2022 18:06

You’ve done nothing wrong. Nothing sackable and nothing to feel shame about. You got kissed at the Christmas do. Big deal. If anyone says anything tell them to fuck off and mind their own business.

This is on your boss. He’s the more senior and, were it to come to anything, it’s him abusing his power.

My long (and personal) experience of these things is that people tend not to care or talk about you half as much as you think they do.

Go in. Head held high xx

EcoChica1980 · 11/12/2022 18:06

Pissed, not kissed!

Divebar2021 · 11/12/2022 18:07

My friend went to a party with some colleagues that was on a riverboat. She met a guy there and ended up shagging him in the toilets. She was enjoying herself so much and being so noisy she actually got thrown off ( not literally into the water but asked to leave). This is a professional person. If I rang around my friends they would all be able to recount comparable tales. No one thinks horribly of anyone else. Flirting with the boss would feature very low on my list of Christmas party scandals.

EcoChica1980 · 11/12/2022 18:07

What a mean and judgmental thing to say.

HereIfYouNeedMe · 11/12/2022 18:11

@BellePeppa that was in reference to saying OP has had her job threatened

Bing4859 · 11/12/2022 18:11

Here are some of the things I’ve known to happen at my work Christmas parties:

2 people caught shagging on the floor in the office at 2am
a guy headed back in to the office and was sick on the floor by his desk and found out on Monday morning
A man took a poo on his bosses desk
2 people both married snogging and grinding in the middle of the dance floor

what you did is not that bad. As others have said, go in, laugh it off and all will be forgotten. It’s not gossip unless someone is embarrassed - not going back in would be the worst thing you could do

Sandra1984 · 11/12/2022 18:13

@Bing4859 what you did is not that bad. As others have said, go in, laugh it off and all will be forgotten. It’s not gossip unless someone is embarrassed - not going back in would be the worst thing you could do.

THIS in capital letters.