To not ever go back

[Annyj]

hi,
I am going to try and keep this as brief as possible without outing myself.
been at my job 2 years, it’s not a brilliant job but it works at round my child, I am a single mother and the dad isn’t around so it was important for me to find somewhere flexible.

Anyways, I’ve always getting on with my boss had secretly quite fancied him. This last year we have getting closer- nothing physical but lots of flirting, late night messages and he has sent me some “pictures”. I’m not proud of this for even entertaining it and it’s made me feel so worthless. But it got to the point where I was becoming obsessed with the attention and I loved it.

for the past two months he has treat me like shit, embarrassed me in front of everyone, we’ve had arguments, I’ve been in tears with his treatment and I think he even try to hack into my Facebook at work at one point yet I can’t prove it was him.
my mental health has declined (not because of him) and I am just really struggling with things and the anxiety I feel when I go to work just gets worse because I don’t know what mood he is going to be in etc.

Friday night was our Xmas party. I promised myself I wouldn’t get drunk because of how I was feeling. But lots of free wine and I ended up legless. The night is a bit of a blur and I rang two of the girls I’m quite close with. And they both said the same, I was practically hanging off my boss, flirting with him and basically wouldn’t leave him alone. I made a right pratt of myself. And I hate myself for it. I know everyone will be talking about me, and I am so ashamed because I promised myself I wouldn’t do this.

the fear is real and I really really don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I feel like this is the final nail in the coffin for me at that place, and the shame I am feeling (and embarrassment) topped with his treatment of me is has actually gave me a panic attack today.
nobidy knows at work what has gone on with us so I just look like a desperate tar and it is such a small bitchy place that tomorrow will be awful.
aibu to just never go back and the thought is making me ill.

YABU

In the nicest possible way, you need to grow up and deal with the repercussions of your actions.

Hiding away isn’t going to help anyone.

You made those choices to get drunk and act the way you did and not facing up to it is going to make you look a million times worse.

Go in, apologise for your behaviour and get on with your job.

It does sound like you need to change jobs soon anyway, so just start looking for one.

The anxiety should calm as your hangover passes.

If not, one strategy to help you get through tomorrow is to stop obsessing about yourself and what other people are saying about you. You're not you. You're a mother. You're X's mother. You're only there because you love your son, and you'll do what you must to earn a wage to provide for him. Keep telling yourself that.

It's only until you've found another job, a better job, a job where you won't behave inappropriately with your boss, or drink to excess with your work colleagues.

Please don’t plunge your son and yourself into financial uncertainly for the sake of some gossipy crows. Neither of you deserves to lose your security for the sake of some gossip. Brazen it out.

If it’s a big deal to them, that says they are sad and insecure and need to use other people’s mistakes to make themselves feel better. Even telling you everyone has been discussing it is nasty. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were exaggerating your behaviour!

I have been in a similar position. I went in, got roasted but just kept saying I was embarrassed and would need to cut down on my drinking in the future at parties. I apologised to my Boss (who had also encouraged me prior, but was married) and made sure I stopped all flirting and was the ultimate professional going forward. I really really feel for you, but all the embarrassment and humiliation will wear off. I also changed jobs further down the line and it was a good chance for a fresh start.

I would go in, apologise to everybody and say that after he sent you the dick pics, you didn't think he would mind the flirting.

Show every single other person you work with the pics. Be a snorting, flared nostrils person and STAND YOUR GROUND! You MH issues are in large part to do with the way this man has treated you. Every single person that is likely to form an opinion of you MUST see those pics and must KNOW THE TRUTH. If you leave and slink away, you will be forever labelled and yes, you have made mistakes but his are far far worse.

Be the brave mum you need to be to protect your income and your name. You have no choice and he would love it if you just disappeared. Don't be dictated to any longer by this wanker OP whatever you do.

Please don’t choose this moment to reveal any messages. If your office is how I imagine then I don’t think it’s going to do any more than add to your mortification - gossipers aren’t going to be automatically sympathetic to you.

Another supporter of the brazen it out here. Going to the office honestly will not be as bad as you think (will blow over). I've been in a similar position (talk of the office after a party) and ended up staying at the comapny for another 15 years. Walk in, keep your head high and follow some of the great suggestions on here (not the drama llama ones!).

The relationship with your boss and messaging is a bit different. He has been treating you badly because he's realised what a stupid and compromising position he has got himself in. Rather than rightly blame himself, he has blamed you, which a common reaction. What a knob! Update your CV and start looking for a job in the new year (calmly). In the meantime, ignore him as much as you can get away with (will be alot as he'll want to avoid you too).

Don't beat yourself up too much. We've all been idiots in different ways at times (that's everyone on this thread - no exceptions). Try not to pick at the scab - it's done so forgive yourself and move on.

Show every single other person you work with the pics.

umm no, don’t

If you can get through tomorrow, then the worst will be over. Promise.

Have some of the previously suggested brilliant phrases ready. Head down and crack on with work.

Call your friends and ask them to keep you out of gossips way and for them to shut down any comments if they hear them.

Tell your boss you're sorry, and then get on with your work. If he continues to bully you, then it's him that everyone will be talking about. I'm certain that they'll have noticed how he's been the past month or so.

It'll be Christmas in a week, are you having time off? A good chance to rest and reflect while you get ready to job hunt in the new year.

If you get signed off, your simply delaying the pain. If you resign, you'll struggle with finances which isn't fair.

Go in, focus on work and getting through the day. Tuesday will be much easier.

Not this.

Not going to lie to you there will be gossip about the party. But it won’t just be about you, others will have been up to high jinxs. That’s what Christmas parties are for. It’s your last chance to party like you are 18 again. It’s all forgiven unless you do something really bad. Heavy flirting isn’t high on the scandal league. Hardly any point in having Christmas parties if there isn’t a bit of gossip and drama. Go in and find out what everyone else was up to. I promise you there will have been more going on that what you did.

Is he married/ in a relationship? If not then honestly, as embarrassing as it is, you haven’t done anything wrong. You’re both adults and there’s nothing wrong with flirting, maybe it is a bit embarrassing to have done it drunk and in full view of all your colleagues but it’s not the end of the world.

If the work environment is toxic it wouldn’t be unreasonable to get signed off, but unless you can definitely get a job before your sick leave runs out it isn’t a good option as it will be even harder to return if you don’t do it straight away when you will know they’ve had weeks to discuss things without being able to give your side of the story. It sounds like you are close to some of your colleagues, can you talk to them about how you are feeling? Can one of them meet you outside work in the morning so you have someone to walk in with? This flirting is not one sided if he has been sending you raunchy pics so I would probably be making his part in this known to my colleague friends so that it’s not all on you as well.

I’ve had something like this happen a few years ago at work Christmas party. I was embarrassed but braved it out… I am so glad I did!!

Just go into work and smile, be friendly. If anybody tries to shame you, be strong. Make a laugh out of how drunk everyone was. Say “jeez they really plied us all with wine didn’t they” and laugh it off. most likely all your colleagues will also have the fear over something they said or did at the party…

you can do this. Deep breath. Good luck x

I feel or you OP as it’s a horrible feeling. It might be worth keeping in mind that some of your colleagues could be focusing on your alleged behaviour as a way of distracting from their own at the party. If there is free wine at a Christmas party there is usually more than one person who regrets their actions and more than a few hangovers the next day!

This is great advice if you want to be either:
a. Immediately sacked
b. Reported to the police and face prosecution for revenge porn
c. Have him show your colleagues any pictures and texts that you sent him in return.

There not your friends brazen it out realistically no one cares it’s just gossip that brightens up a full day

This is true, no one is at home angsting over the repercussions your behaviour will have on their lives. At best it’s a forgettable side note.

Absolutely terrible advice. Don't do this OP. Can you work from home for a Few days while the gossip dies out?

Oooh i've been in this position before, and it's the absolute worst!! You really have no choice but to go in and brazen it out. Yes, they will be talking about you, yes, it will be embarrassing and hideous but you just need to get on with it.
Get in early and make sure you're busy before anyone else arrives.. act normally and laugh it off as much as you can, even though you'll probably be dying inside. Honestly, a week, max., and they will have moved on to something else to gossip about.
I stopped drinking for years ago, due to feeling exactly how you're describing right now . Best decision I ever made. Good luck 🤞

Take some time off sick if you are entitled to sick pay, go to the GP for extended time off and look for a new job.

If all your work colleagues No is you got drunk and flirted then brazen it out. If no one knows the back story then that’s fine.
Just say the free wine was a daft idea, you're never drinking again, just all the things everyone says who’s been pissed at a Xmas party.
Don’t engage with your boss for anything apart from work when you’re at work.
Won't hurt to look for another job, then you’ve got choices.

You have major beer fear! It's a rubbish situation and your boss hasn't behaved well but you are seeing it as much more significant than it is just now - I promise. Even though your friends noticed how you were acting, it doesn't mean it will be front and centre of their minds (or anyone else's) like it is yours. In the kindest possible way, you're only the centre of your own universe (that's something I always reminded myself of when I woke up after silly nights out with similar feelings). For a start, if there was free wine you won't have been the only person who drank too much and ended up with hazy memories. The fact of not being able to remember things properly is in itself making things a lot worse, because your mind can run riot and imagine the worst. It's very unsettling. Maybe think longer term about changing jobs if you want to, as it sounds like it'd be a good idea to get away from this man, but please don't cry about going in tomorrow. :)

I know I need to man up but I literally can’t. And it’s so pathetic.

You have to because of your child. You cannot leave a job with no other job to go to.

Do you have money to pay rent, bills, etc. without a job? How long will it last.

You would be very foolish to give up a job that fits around childcare just because you made a tit of yourself. Don't make your child suffer because of it. Go to work tomorrow and start applying for other jobs if you want to leave.

Sounds like the colleague who rang is stirring things up and is enjoying doing so.

Hold your head high, ‘gaslight’ your colleagues if necessary and make them doubt their own memories and perhaps draw attention to their behaviour.

You need to look for a job. You can’t quit just before Xmas. You need to get away from the nasty boss. Keep the texts etc in reserve, just in case you have to negotiate severance pay and a good reference.

OP this sort of thing happens alllllll the time, is really no big deal. Your colleagues are absolute wankers to make you feel worse. They are losers who have nothing better to talk about. Go in and brazen it out you’ll be ok, don’t let them put you in a position of financial hardship because they are gossipy twats.
I would not be surprised if everyone knew what your boss is like anyway, you’re probably not the first person to be the recipient of his tragic dick pics.