To not ever go back

[Annyj]

hi,
I am going to try and keep this as brief as possible without outing myself.
been at my job 2 years, it’s not a brilliant job but it works at round my child, I am a single mother and the dad isn’t around so it was important for me to find somewhere flexible.

Anyways, I’ve always getting on with my boss had secretly quite fancied him. This last year we have getting closer- nothing physical but lots of flirting, late night messages and he has sent me some “pictures”. I’m not proud of this for even entertaining it and it’s made me feel so worthless. But it got to the point where I was becoming obsessed with the attention and I loved it.

for the past two months he has treat me like shit, embarrassed me in front of everyone, we’ve had arguments, I’ve been in tears with his treatment and I think he even try to hack into my Facebook at work at one point yet I can’t prove it was him.
my mental health has declined (not because of him) and I am just really struggling with things and the anxiety I feel when I go to work just gets worse because I don’t know what mood he is going to be in etc.

Friday night was our Xmas party. I promised myself I wouldn’t get drunk because of how I was feeling. But lots of free wine and I ended up legless. The night is a bit of a blur and I rang two of the girls I’m quite close with. And they both said the same, I was practically hanging off my boss, flirting with him and basically wouldn’t leave him alone. I made a right pratt of myself. And I hate myself for it. I know everyone will be talking about me, and I am so ashamed because I promised myself I wouldn’t do this.

the fear is real and I really really don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I feel like this is the final nail in the coffin for me at that place, and the shame I am feeling (and embarrassment) topped with his treatment of me is has actually gave me a panic attack today.
nobidy knows at work what has gone on with us so I just look like a desperate tar and it is such a small bitchy place that tomorrow will be awful.
aibu to just never go back and the thought is making me ill.

The more you post OP, the more it sounds like you did this intentionally to give yourself an excuse to leave.

Of course you can leave a job, for whatever reason. The problem you have is that it doesn't just affect you, it affects your child too.

You haven't said what you intend to live off, how you will pay your rent and utilities, how you will feed your child, etc.

Tbf sounds like OP sexually harassed him. 😂

I work in a male environment and not once have I seen a man look remotely embarrassed or remorseful about what they had been up to on a work night out. And believe me it was a lot worse than what you did.

Go into work, anyone says anything just go on a rant that what did they expect handing out free wine. Stupid idea. Any mention of the antics with the boss 'seriously was I that pissed' response & just ride it out.

Any start looking for a different job in the meantime...

I really feel for you OP.

But, I think you should go back to your job tomorrow with your head held high and face the music. A lot of people have made silly mistakes at office Christmas parties. People will gossip over it but this time next week honestly it will be largely forgotten about. People move on and start gossiping about the next thing. If you don't turn up to work, it will be talked about even more and for even longer.

@TruckerBarbie it was in reference to op saying her job is held over her head a lot. Work harassment is basically bullying. And I'd say the sexual harassment came in the form of dick pics

What a absolute legend 😂

You've got Hangxiety

Hold your head up and just give a smile if anyone mentions it.

A bit unnecessarily sanctimonious.

What was in the pictures he sent you and do you still have them?
Did you send any pics/messages back?

You probably have the upper hand here - what he has done is far worse than you did

You can do this!!
(From someone whose flashed boobs ended up as a screensaver at head office )

I get it, I really do. But unless you are planning on not going back, ever, then you're just delaying the inevitable. Not going in will fuel the gossip flames. Go in. Even if you only do a couple of hours before feigning a migraine or stomach upset and going home. It won't be as bad as you fear, honestly.

I would go in just to document the bullying you are being subjected to
I would find a job another job ASAP and leave.

Your mental health has taken a battering because of the toxic place you have been working.
I bet it will really improve when you move on.

Look after yourself. Document everything and think about the New Year and being in a nicer job that doesn’t drag you down.

Forget about this guy. You may have feelings for him but they aren’t reciprocated

Don’t delete any messages or pics he has sent you as if things turn nasty they are there to show what type of person he is and he can’t rewrite history if you find yourself being hounded out before you have found another job.

There is only so much gossiping people can have about someone getting drunk and flirting with the boss.

What about sending an email to everyone saying that you regret getting drunk and apologizing for your inappropriate behavior. If you think it might help,you could say that you are feeling terrible about it and would prefer not to talk about it. .... or something.

I think not going in might just drag everything out. It will give the gossipers more to gossip about.

I hope you feel better soon. Can you get your Mum to come over and chat things through with you?

Isn't it the OP that's been doing the harassing?

@RedHelenB again, work place harassment/bullying. For threatening her job without disciplinary

I personally wouldn't go in if it's making you physically unwell with worry and dread and I certainly would be trying to get away and stay away from that toxic ex or boss or whatever he is to you.
You are a single parent, there will be financial help available to you whilst you're looking for alternative employment. Also fantastic support and access to grants if you need to cover interview cost, retraining etc.
NOTHING is worth making you feel this unhappy or uncomfortable OP.

Is he single? If yes, then you’ve got nothing to worry about.

It’s possible he egged you on and people will talk about him taking advantage of a drunk woman.

Don’t catastrophise. If anyone asks just tell them he led you on.

We all do embarrassing things. Objectively it's embarrassing but it could have been a lot worse. You have a child. Prioritise him, go in, ignore your colleagues (blame the alcohol or say you can barely remember, then quickly change the subject) and start looking for a new job as your workplace sounds miserable.

I'm sure we've done a few things that make us feel sick to our stomachs. Everyone else will have been drunk too. Put your big girl pants on, go in, and when anyone mentions it say something like "Yeah, I should stick to one glass" and then turn away and get in with your job. As with bullying, if they don't think it's got to you then it takes away their fun. And ignore your boss, pick yourself up and resolve to learn from this. It's much easier, psychologically, to get another job if you're still employed. You're a mum, an awesome, strong woman, and you can do this!

Oh OP, I've been where you are (and it wasn't even a Xmas party)

One more vote for "You can't really afford to chuck this job yet so brazen it out".

This is what I did- a group of us workmates went out for a heavy drinking session at 5pm on a Fri. I'd left most of my stuff at the office so went back, stumbling a bit, to collect it at about 10pm.

I startled one of the poor cleaners when I unlocked the main doors and she shrieked at me "What are you doing here now! You're not supposed to be here!" and I shrieked back at her. Seriously, I went off chops. No idea why I took such offence, but that's booze for you. She put in an incident report and I was hauled to HR.

It was a short term contract about to end anyway, and I was so mortified about my behaviour (full weekend of THE FEAR) that I went in for "The Meeting" and resigned. The looks on their faces ranged from stunned to shitting-themselves as they realised they couldn't cover my workload.

Made me realise that I'd overreacted big-time. They weren't going to sack me after all. They just had to tick off the incident report from the cleaner.

Please try and summon the courage to go back. You can always leave later (and it sounds like you should be checking job adverts) but don't shoot yourself in the foot like I did.

Check if your benefits entitlement will be affected if you quit your job. It used to be you would be sanctioned for x-number of months if you quit your previous job and then tried to claim JSA. You have a child. You need to make sensible decisions. You can't just react emotionally and quit your job.

Someone making a prat of themselves is standard practice! Just laugh it off and start looking for something else because your boss is sexually harassing you. He has sent you dick pics fgs, you have nothing to be ashamed about. You've got this, hold your head up and laugh along, they'll all be bored by lunchtime. Your colleague is a twat.

There are two separate issues

1. The bullying which predates the drunken episode

For this you have to have a 1-1 with him and explain you will not be treated in this way any longer etc , put your foot down.

Is he the most senior person? Does he own the company?

If there's someone above him, go to them if he doesn't let up after this 1-1.

What caused the sudden change in his attitude toward you 2 months ago?

1. The drunken night out. This will be forgotten by Tuesday, pay no more mind.

I think it will create more drama if you don't go in. Don't worry about it, we've all done dumb things, everyone will forget about it soon enough. Start looking for a new job too

It’s never too late to start making better decisions. You can run away and not go back but you can also stop getting yourself into situations that are not in your best interests. You may have irrecoverably damaged your position in this company or it could be your anxiety talking but either way you do need to sort yourself out.

Morning OP, I hope you're feeling a bit better this morning, just get up and get ready. Go in to work and stay strong