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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel birthday party

158 replies

thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 12:11

I have an autistic DS who is 13. He hit me again this morning and called me an 'idiot'. I am tried of it. His behaviour is becoming out of control. AIBU to cancel his party. We are going to use the money to get him help.

OP posts:
Claireintheclouds · 10/12/2022 12:13

YANBU, clearly he isn’t in the safest space to have a party. It’s a logical consequence.

as long as it’s described as so instead of as punitive of course

Oysterbabe · 10/12/2022 12:14

When is the party?

Original poster
thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 12:15

Tomorrow.

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 10/12/2022 12:16

I don’t know much about autism, but I think that’s a very extreme punishment.

olympicsrock · 10/12/2022 12:17

Not sure this will make him happier and better behaved. Have other children already been invited. Have you already warned him that this might be a consequence?

Oysterbabe · 10/12/2022 12:17

As well as being upsetting for your son, I think it would be very rude to cancel when the guests are likely looking forward to it and would have bought gifts.

Cornelious · 10/12/2022 12:17

No I wouldn't cancel his party. I would try and think of a consequence today.

LovelaceBiggWither · 10/12/2022 12:18

I wouldn't cancel the party if he is looking forward to it. There's not a strong link between his awful behaviour to you and the party cancellation. His behaviour is unlikely to improve and could get far worse.

He definitely needs intervention and support to change his behaviours to you but antagonising him isn't going to do much in the short term. There's also the issue of how long is it going to take to access therapy? You could end up with a huge chaotic mess in the short term.

I'm not defending his behaviour, he clearly needs help. IME consequences need to be pretty tightly tied to the behaviour and I suspect you could tell him until you are blue in the face why he's lost the party and he will never see the link and will then react with worsening behaviour.

Original poster
thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 12:19

olympicsrock · 10/12/2022 12:17

Not sure this will make him happier and better behaved. Have other children already been invited. Have you already warned him that this might be a consequence?

Yes the children have already been invited. No I didn't say it as a consequence but I'm sick of the behaviour. I am sick of it. He does not appreciate what I do. It's too much.

OP posts:
NoelNoNoel · 10/12/2022 12:19

No I wouldn’t cancel, I can’t see how this would help any of you.

bridgetreilly · 10/12/2022 12:19

What sort of party is it that you will save money on by cancelling today? I don’t think I would do this. His birthday is a time to show him that you love him, no matter what he does.

DisneyPrincesss · 10/12/2022 12:20

I think you're being unreasonable, that isn't a fair consequence. Also, consequences are most effective when immediate and closely linked to the situation.

MrsSkylerWhite · 10/12/2022 12:21

Cornelious · Today 12:17
No I wouldn't cancel his party. I would try and think of a consequence today“

This. People will have bought gifts.

our children do not have autism. They each called us much worse than “idiot” on various occasions when they were 13 (delightful adults now).

I think that’s a very extreme punishment for a fairly common (at that age) misdemeanour. (I imagine the hitting is not in his control?)

Coralpop · 10/12/2022 12:21

Following with interest as I have an autistic 11yo who regularly calls me far worse than "idiot" and it's hard to know how to discipline a ND child.

Personally I wouldn't cancel the party though - DD directs a lot of emotion towards me at home but it's her safe space and she doesn't have to mask here. It's not simple rudeness/disrespect, it happens when she is struggling with something else.

Original poster
thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 12:23

He hit me- not just called me an idiot. He keeps on hitting me. He doesn't stop. He keeps on wrestling me and he head butted my lip.

OP posts:
Original poster
thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 12:29

His behaviour is unbearable. He has no respect for me. None. His behaviour is becoming out of control.

OP posts:
Leah5678 · 10/12/2022 12:34

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 10/12/2022 12:16

I don’t know much about autism, but I think that’s a very extreme punishment.

Hitting your parents is very extreme behaviour. May not seem like a big deal to you but as he gets older and stronger he could do some real damage and she shouldn't have to put up with it

Original poster
thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 12:35

I'm not sure what to do.

OP posts:
Dogscanteatonions · 10/12/2022 12:38

thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 12:23

He hit me- not just called me an idiot. He keeps on hitting me. He doesn't stop. He keeps on wrestling me and he head butted my lip.

Is this what you mean by he hit you and this is why you want to cancel his party? Because there is a huge difference between him intentionally punching/slapping you and wrestling and headbutting your lip.

MrsSkylerWhite · 10/12/2022 12:38

thankyoumadam · Today 12:29
His behaviour is unbearable. He has no respect for me. None. His behaviour is becoming out of control“

Apologies, have no personal experience but is this behaviour a symptom of his condition?

do you have any support? Family/friends, professionals?

MichelleScarn · 10/12/2022 12:38

I'd cancel it. He headbutted you, are you the only target of this violence? Why on earth should he be this violent and still get parties and presents? He's obviously not in a good place to socialise just now. Has he apologised?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 10/12/2022 12:39

Leah5678 · 10/12/2022 12:34

Hitting your parents is very extreme behaviour. May not seem like a big deal to you but as he gets older and stronger he could do some real damage and she shouldn't have to put up with it

Show quote history

Of course she shouldn’t have to put up with it! But childrens birthday parties are possibly the most treasured day of their year. It’s an extreme punishment. Also It is rude to cancel a birthday party for bad behaviour (rather than illness) a day early for the children coming, - it’s including them in his punishment.

There must be other ways of dealing with his behaviour, and other punishments available that just disadvantage him and not others.

Original poster
thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 12:40

MichelleScarn · 10/12/2022 12:38

I'd cancel it. He headbutted you, are you the only target of this violence? Why on earth should he be this violent and still get parties and presents? He's obviously not in a good place to socialise just now. Has he apologised?

Yes he apologised but he only apologised when I said the party is now cancelled.

OP posts:
Christmaslover2022 · 10/12/2022 12:41

I'd consider myself fairly strict but I wouldn't cancel the party at least minute either. That would cause issues with friends and he'd have to say why etc. You need help, who have you got to help you? Support network? Professionals?

ExtraOnions · 10/12/2022 12:44

My DD has ASD (high functioning), she’s 16 but wasn’t identified as ASD until she was about 14.

We had some terrible times with her, at that age and in particular .. I was physically attacked as well, and screamed at, kicking her door, horrible language etc. What changed for us was changing how we parent - we had to learn how to parent a child with autism.

We accessed support locally, with a local charity - who were amazing, and we currently pay for weekly psychotherapy. Things are much better

Your child doesn’t not want to feel angry, or out of control … it’s a horrible feeling. Some of this is not about choice.