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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel birthday party

158 replies

thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 12:11

I have an autistic DS who is 13. He hit me again this morning and called me an 'idiot'. I am tried of it. His behaviour is becoming out of control. AIBU to cancel his party. We are going to use the money to get him help.

OP posts:
MulderSmoulder · 10/12/2022 15:30

I think you need to completely reframe your thinking.

stop thinking ‘how do I punish him to change his behaviour’ and start thinking ‘how do I prevent him hitting out or having meltdowns’.

The approach you are taking is not giving him any support, empathy or teaching him skills on how to cope when he gets overwhelmed.

You should contact his school, local authority or local parent-carer group to see what autism parenting courses are available for you.

Read some books (The Explosive Child by Ross Greene is excellent), look at the National Autistic Society website. Find a therapist. Does he have an EHCP? What accommodations and support does he have at school? Has he had educational psychologist and occupational therapist assessments?

A lot of parenting an autistic child will look completely different from ‘traditional’ parenting methods.

The more you understand about his sensory needs, social communication difficulties, how to help him recognise and regulate his emotions, what his triggers are and when to spot him escalating the more you’ll be able to help him manage his difficulties.

For example WHY did he have a meltdown at his activity? Ask him what happened, what could be done differently then speak to whoever runs it and ask for adjustments.

Allow him time to do activities he finds calming, don’t overload with chores. Being at school, doing activities, anything social outside the home is exhausting for autistic people. Home needs to feel like a calm sanctuary where he can recharge.

Finally he’s going to be very hormonal, and there is evidence to show autistic people are more sensitive to hormones so while he’s going through puberty things are going to be more difficult. But the more you help and understand him the easier it will be for both of you.

Original poster
thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 15:30

Thisismynewname123 · 10/12/2022 15:10

I am the parent of an autistic teen DD. Meltdowns really cannot be "punished" in the way that a NT temper tantrum can. I highly recommend a parenting course for autistic teens. Once a meltdown has started, the child isn't going to hear what you are saying to them, or be able to reason. They need to be given a safe, quiet space to recover from the meltdown before you are able to talk to them. Look out for the triggers of the meltdown to avoid them - eg, sensory overload, changes to routine, etc. I can sense when my DD is approaching a meltdown, and she needs a dark (low sensory input) room to lie down, with no demands being made, to calm the situation down. Shouting would have the opposite affect mid-meltdown as they have no control over it.
www.autismparentingmagazine.com/autism-meltdowns/

I know that. When he was having a meltdown, I kept shutum. But at least you can leave your child, my DS would literally follow me around or trash the house. I mean in this instance what do you want me to do? Just let him continue??!

OP posts:
YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 10/12/2022 15:31

Justcallmebebes · 10/12/2022 15:23

I agree. His actions need consequences otherwise it will continue. He's 13 so old enough to understand that, autistic or not. If you've already told him that it's cancelled then you should follow thro. I'm sorry OP, this sounds very hard

Tell me you dont understand Autism without telling me you dont understand Autism

ADifferentKindofChristmas · 10/12/2022 15:32

mam0918 · 10/12/2022 14:39

Totally not the point but...

Do kids still have birthday parties at 13?

DS hasnt been invited to one since primary (and use to get invited to a lot) and when I tried to organise one for him no one was interested dispite the fact they hang out often so are good friends... seems 'parties' are 'uncool' in secondry school.

Looking back no one had parties when I was that age either, I think after 11 my next successful 'party' (where we invited people and they where interested in coming) was 18.

If anything did happen for a party it was normally just birthday kid and their best friend planning to go somewhere like the cinema, bowling, crazy golf, maybe a theme park at a push etc...

That's your contribution to someone who is really struggling?

👏👏

SavingKitten · 10/12/2022 15:33

thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 15:30

I know that. When he was having a meltdown, I kept shutum. But at least you can leave your child, my DS would literally follow me around or trash the house. I mean in this instance what do you want me to do? Just let him continue??!

Show quote history

I disagree OP, in your description of him having a meltdown you said oh you aren’t going to cry and you, held onto him, and then cancelled his birthday party as a result
of it.

he was asking me for it back and I said 'no- once I see good behaviour' and then he was getting worked up and I said 'Ohno, I hope your not going to cry", then he just literally bear hugged me and banging me on my back, I was holding onto him, and he was banging his head on my chest and I knelt down and he banged my lip whilst he was doing that. Then started to scream and cry-saying all sorts, try to put me into a bear hug again-like wrestling and then he called me an idiot.

You didn’t ‘keep shutum’

Itsabitnotcold · 10/12/2022 15:34

thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 15:13

I cancelled the party.

I didn't goad him nor do you know my tone. I said it in a way of "DS, I hope your not going to get upset again?)

My punishments are natural consequences.

If he trashes the house, whilst having a meltdown. He will clean it.

If he kicks off at his extra curricular activity, he is not going to go back the week after.

If he throws things around the house, starts yelling and screaming, we will go outside.

I don't care what anyone says. I will NOT tolerate a child hitting me the same way that I would not tolerate an adult hitting me.

Right well just keep creating hell for the both of you then.

If someone looks upset you don't tell them you don't want them to get upset. Especially when it's a child! You comfort them and support them.

His behaviour is totally justified from an autistic child perspective. He's got very little control over himself because he's constantly living on the edge. He's not in an emotionally safe environment. You really need to reach out to some autism charities and groups and ask for parenting advice.

People who know autism are telling you that what you are doing is not working. You can see it is not working. His behaviour will only get worse. If you want him to be able to live independently I.e not with you for the rest of your life. Then you need to start parenting in a way that makes sense to him.

And he didn't headbutt you, it's really shitty to say he did because you're making him out to be violent, he was head banging, it's a stim. You saw him doing it and knelt down to put your face in the path of his head.

It sucks to cancel the party. Kids are gonna be mad at him. It's gonna isolate him more from his peers. And it's just made him feel shitter and like you less.

I hope you find a decent organisation that gives you good advice. You seem to think he's the problem and the one that needs helping but I really think you need to invest in help for yourself to parent him more for his needs.

And I'm really not a "he can't help it, he's autistic" kind of person. Quite the opposite. But he's a child, you're an adult, and you're escalating it and you don't seem to understand how hard things are for him at all.

HelllBaby · 10/12/2022 15:36

Does he respond to punishment, Does he learn from his mistakes, is he capable of changing his behaviour? Only you know you how his autism affects him, but cancelling seems extreme.

ExtraOnions · 10/12/2022 15:37

You need to learn how to parent an ASD teen … or you are storing up bigger problems for the future.

They are your child for life, and this isn’t going to suddenly get better with he’s 18.

Your “punishments” are not working, escalate them all you like, they are not working.

You are getting advice on here, from the parents of ASD Teens, who have been in the same situation as you, and you are not listening.

There is no quick fix, no overnight changes in behaviour, no sudden realisations.

What resources are you accessing to manage his behaviour ?

jamoncrumpets · 10/12/2022 15:39

thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 15:07

I didn't mock him for being upset :/.

I know their are Autistic adults on this site but there is no justification for hitting. None.

Well yes, there is actually.

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 10/12/2022 15:39

Punishing for hitting in the middle of a full autistic meltdown is like punishing for being hit in the middle of an epilepsy seizure.

Itsabitnotcold · 10/12/2022 15:39

thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 15:30

I know that. When he was having a meltdown, I kept shutum. But at least you can leave your child, my DS would literally follow me around or trash the house. I mean in this instance what do you want me to do? Just let him continue??!

Show quote history

You de-escalate before he starts trashing the house. And you didn't keep shutum, you pretty much taunted him.
You're changing things as you go along.
"Excessive chores" has become "cleaning up the mess he made"
A very two sided argument has become you keeping quiet while he attacked you.

Can you just try and see it from his perspective?

Original poster
thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 15:42

MulderSmoulder · 10/12/2022 15:30

I think you need to completely reframe your thinking.

stop thinking ‘how do I punish him to change his behaviour’ and start thinking ‘how do I prevent him hitting out or having meltdowns’.

The approach you are taking is not giving him any support, empathy or teaching him skills on how to cope when he gets overwhelmed.

You should contact his school, local authority or local parent-carer group to see what autism parenting courses are available for you.

Read some books (The Explosive Child by Ross Greene is excellent), look at the National Autistic Society website. Find a therapist. Does he have an EHCP? What accommodations and support does he have at school? Has he had educational psychologist and occupational therapist assessments?

A lot of parenting an autistic child will look completely different from ‘traditional’ parenting methods.

The more you understand about his sensory needs, social communication difficulties, how to help him recognise and regulate his emotions, what his triggers are and when to spot him escalating the more you’ll be able to help him manage his difficulties.

For example WHY did he have a meltdown at his activity? Ask him what happened, what could be done differently then speak to whoever runs it and ask for adjustments.

Allow him time to do activities he finds calming, don’t overload with chores. Being at school, doing activities, anything social outside the home is exhausting for autistic people. Home needs to feel like a calm sanctuary where he can recharge.

Finally he’s going to be very hormonal, and there is evidence to show autistic people are more sensitive to hormones so while he’s going through puberty things are going to be more difficult. But the more you help and understand him the easier it will be for both of you.

Probably one of the most helpful posts on this thread.

All what you are saying is right and the problem is probably with me. But it's so difficult to feel sympathy for someone who calls you names, hits you. I have honestly tried. We are paying for equine therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy, he does activities that he enjoys, we have a tutor who supports me with his emotional regulation. But it's seem like everything I do is not enough, it's just going to pits. I just don't get it and I'm just drained.

OP posts:
jamoncrumpets · 10/12/2022 15:42

You said in a previous thread that CBT isn't appropriate because of language needs.

So you have a child with speech delay, and almost certainly comprehension delay, who you expect to behave according to the standards of non-disabled teenagers.

Never gonna happen OP.

Original poster
thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 15:46

There is nothing taunting about anyone saying "Ohno i hope your not getting upset or what ever I said". It was not a taunt nor said in a condescending way. Because of that, I deserved to be hit, kicked, called names?! If he did this in the real world Tina stranger, they will not make allowances for him because his Autistic.

In some situations, I can de escalate but in other situations I just have to ride the storm as there is no other alternative.

OP posts:
HelllBaby · 10/12/2022 15:46

Ah I see you've cancelled it! You came on, asked for opinions, 99% said dont cancel so you cancelled. I understand it must be really hard for you with his behavior, it can't be easy at all. I dont think cancelling such a big event for him at the last minute was the right thing to do, but you know him best. My friends DS similar age wouldn't understand why that has happened to him, he doesnt understand that hitting out actually affects people. He doesnt really have emotion so doesn't care if he hurts, offends, he simply just doesn't understand that it was his fault. But you know your son best.

Original poster
thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 15:48

jamoncrumpets · 10/12/2022 15:42

You said in a previous thread that CBT isn't appropriate because of language needs.

So you have a child with speech delay, and almost certainly comprehension delay, who you expect to behave according to the standards of non-disabled teenagers.

Never gonna happen OP.

To be hit - no sorry, no excuses. He does not do this in school, he does do it to his father, he does not do it to his teachers, it is only me. Just because he has mild language needs does not mean he is not aware.

OP posts:
SavingKitten · 10/12/2022 15:49

thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 15:46

There is nothing taunting about anyone saying "Ohno i hope your not getting upset or what ever I said". It was not a taunt nor said in a condescending way. Because of that, I deserved to be hit, kicked, called names?! If he did this in the real world Tina stranger, they will not make allowances for him because his Autistic.

In some situations, I can de escalate but in other situations I just have to ride the storm as there is no other alternative.

Yes allowances would be made for an autistic kid having a meltdown in the real world, because he cannot help it. He doesn’t do it because he thinks you deserve it, he does it because he can’t regulate his emotions and behaviour to stop it. You must be exhausted and at the end of your tether, but making out like he’s doing it on purpose and punishing harshly and taking it all personally yourself isn’t helping either of you.

jamoncrumpets · 10/12/2022 15:49

thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 15:46

There is nothing taunting about anyone saying "Ohno i hope your not getting upset or what ever I said". It was not a taunt nor said in a condescending way. Because of that, I deserved to be hit, kicked, called names?! If he did this in the real world Tina stranger, they will not make allowances for him because his Autistic.

In some situations, I can de escalate but in other situations I just have to ride the storm as there is no other alternative.

I really pity your son. You have no understanding of autism at all. And no wish to understand it.

Bewitched005 · 10/12/2022 15:50

thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 15:48

To be hit - no sorry, no excuses. He does not do this in school, he does do it to his father, he does not do it to his teachers, it is only me. Just because he has mild language needs does not mean he is not aware.

Show quote history

If he doesn't do it at school then it's clear that he has some control over his actions. If he had no control, he would hit anyone who upset him.

Notonthestairs · 10/12/2022 15:53

"If he doesn't do it at school then it's clear that he has some control over his actions. If he had no control, he would hit anyone who upset him."

This is a bit simplistic. My daughter works hard to mask within school & social environments.

Original poster
thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 15:54

@SavingKitten

.... where in that exchange did you read that I said anything? When he exploded, I held onto him and did not say a word. When I told him- 'Ohno your not going to get upset?'- I said it in a questioning Uh-oh sort of way.

Not only that but he was head butting my chest to hurt me! He stopped and then I knelt down and then he head butted my lip. I mean.... wtf?

OP posts:
HelllBaby · 10/12/2022 15:55

I understand its really hard for you, sounds like you could do with some support as it's not easy dealing with meltdowns.

jamoncrumpets · 10/12/2022 15:56

thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 15:54

@SavingKitten

.... where in that exchange did you read that I said anything? When he exploded, I held onto him and did not say a word. When I told him- 'Ohno your not going to get upset?'- I said it in a questioning Uh-oh sort of way.

Not only that but he was head butting my chest to hurt me! He stopped and then I knelt down and then he head butted my lip. I mean.... wtf?

You just shouldn't have said it, OP. In any context.

Original poster
thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 16:01

@jamoncrumpets

If I didn't. Then why am I on here asking for advice. Why would I be paying for XYZ to help understand how to support him better. But it is not easy living in constant egg shells in the fear that your child may have a meltdown. Where you may get hit, kicked, bit. I know I should not take it personally but it is so difficult not to when you do pour your heart and your resources on your child and then get lashed out in return. I feel for my DS and hate seeing the way he goes into his meltdowns but I am exhausted and fed up of being hit and having marks and scars all over my body.

OP posts:
SavingKitten · 10/12/2022 16:01

thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 15:54

@SavingKitten

.... where in that exchange did you read that I said anything? When he exploded, I held onto him and did not say a word. When I told him- 'Ohno your not going to get upset?'- I said it in a questioning Uh-oh sort of way.

Not only that but he was head butting my chest to hurt me! He stopped and then I knelt down and then he head butted my lip. I mean.... wtf?

It started that I took off something from him prior because he was calling me names. He was asking me for it back and I said 'no- once I see good behaviour' and then he was getting worked up and I said 'Ohno, I hope your not going to cry"

It all started because of what you were saying to him, and once it started you vocalised your frustration that he was getting upset. You were not trying to deescalate here you were bickering with him. You might not have said anything while he was hitting you, but then you cancelled his birthday party as a punishment for him having this autistic meltdown.

Out of interest why did you hold onto him? It basically ensured he would hit you because he was having a meltdown…