To cancel birthday party

[thankyoumadam]

I have an autistic DS who is 13. He hit me again this morning and called me an 'idiot'. I am tried of it. His behaviour is becoming out of control. AIBU to cancel his party. We are going to use the money to get him help.

Ahh right good to know, you can be violent to someone if they say something you don't like and it's then their fault? Obviously a fan of the 'look what you made me do'?

Not acceptable even ND/NT. Would you blame a sibling or other child if they said something the ds didn't like and he assaulted them?

How many autistic children have you parented @MichelleScarn?

She saw that her child was upset and said "Ohno, I hope your not going to cry" if you husband had done something to upset you, saw that you were upset and said that would you feel emotionally safe/comforted? No.

He didn't actually headbutt OP either. He was head banging. It's an autistic stim when you are at the very limit of your control of your meltdown. OP put her face in the way. He won't even have been able to stop himself, you could have put a knife there and he wouldn't stop, it's almost completely out of your control. Autistic kids run into oncoming traffic, not by choice, it's like being possessed sometimes. Like the autism is in the drivers seat.

Yes it's hard to have an autistic child but OP is making it so much harder for him and herself and really needs to research proper parenting methods for autistic because it only takes minutes on Google to know what doesn't work.

no- once I see good behaviour' and then he was getting worked up and I said 'Ohno, I hope your not going to cry",

You taunted a ND child.

Yeah, you said it yourself; totally not the point.

This sounds like two little children having a silly fight. It certainly doesn’t sound like a PARENT
and a child.

Tit for tat, goading your son, it really sounds like you need some support, as you’re clearly overwhelmed and probably making things worse.

You sound like you’ve dished out so many punishments, and extreme number of chores etc that he doesn’t really have anything to lose by behaving badly, as his life is pretty miserable anyway.

I suspect you don’t have clear boundaries and it’s all a bit chaotic (you’ve already told him the party is cancelled, even though it’s not?!).

I wouldn’t cancel the party. It’s not effective to not have a pretty immediate consequence. Natural consequences are much better than a tit for tat of “you call me a name. I take something from you. You’re upset. I tell you not to cry. You get upset again” etc etc.

The interactions you describe with your son really sound like you’re winding him up. I’m not familiar with how Autism will play into all of this, but for any child, I’ve always lived by the rule that “it takes two to have a tantrum”.

Is that the stock answer @Clymene? Not the point. Are you saying that it's OK for someone to be violent if they don't like what is said to them?

Definitely! You have to learn to parent differently. My experience and parenting methods/approaches are vastly different to my friends’ with NT kids

And I agree with pp that the 'are you going to cry' is NOT good parenting ND or NT, but saying that that it was then an excuse for the headbutt is not good.

I didn't mock him for being upset :/.

I know their are Autistic adults on this site but there is no justification for hitting. None.

@MichelleScarn
It's fine to know absolutely nothng about child pyschology or neurodivergence but since you're clearly lacking in understanding you should refrain from commenting on a thread on that subject. Punishment does not work for behaviour a person has no control over. A person in meltdown is not in control of their actions. Not because they lack motivation but because they lack the ability at that time. It's completely irrelevant whether you judge their behaviour to be reasonable or not because they cannot control it. You might as well judge whether it's OK for a forest fire to burn down people's homes. It's irrelevant whether you think it's OK because unless you prevent the situation becoming out of control is happening whether you deem it OK or not.

I am the parent of an autistic teen DD. Meltdowns really cannot be "punished" in the way that a NT temper tantrum can. I highly recommend a parenting course for autistic teens. Once a meltdown has started, the child isn't going to hear what you are saying to them, or be able to reason. They need to be given a safe, quiet space to recover from the meltdown before you are able to talk to them. Look out for the triggers of the meltdown to avoid them - eg, sensory overload, changes to routine, etc. I can sense when my DD is approaching a meltdown, and she needs a dark (low sensory input) room to lie down, with no demands being made, to calm the situation down. Shouting would have the opposite affect mid-meltdown as they have no control over it.
www.autismparentingmagazine.com/autism-meltdowns/

if you’ve told him you’ve cancelled it when you haven’t then you are setting yourself up for this. Maybe he knows punishments aren’t followed through anyway

I think you need some parenting classes

You don’t seem to have any idea how to parent an autistic child.

I cancelled the party.

I didn't goad him nor do you know my tone. I said it in a way of "DS, I hope your not going to get upset again?)

My punishments are natural consequences.

If he trashes the house, whilst having a meltdown. He will clean it.

If he kicks off at his extra curricular activity, he is not going to go back the week after.

If he throws things around the house, starts yelling and screaming, we will go outside.

I don't care what anyone says. I will NOT tolerate a child hitting me the same way that I would not tolerate an adult hitting me.

Your punishments are not natural consequences

this one is a logical one, the others you’ve posted about aren’t natural or logical consequences

Sounds like you need some respite care for yourself. I don't know if l cancelling a party will lead to long term change. Look at the triggers. Change the antecedents. Teach coping skills : sensory box, counting to 10. Is he aggressive at school? How do they deal with it?

You sound very petulant op, not great parenting.

Before the incident, you took something away as a consequence for calling you names. Why was he calling you names? What happened before that?

@thankyoumadamno there isn’t a reason for hitting but when you have ASD hitting, biting and kicking are a communication. All behaviour is communication and although we cannot always identify the trigger there will definitely have been one. I think you sound exhausted and defeated and that’s a horrible place to be. It’s not easy but you really need to get yourself in a better frame of mind so that you can be consistent and respond appropriately. The way you are feeling will be affecting him too as your responses will probably be sharp and cross.
I do believe that there should be consequences for an action but with ASD it depends on their level of understanding, what happened and it being an immediate response as something later will probably not link to the initial incident.
I really take my hat off to the parents I work with as it can be so difficult and at times seem like a losing battle. I would say that I hope I am right and you are just frustrated and venting as your posts do come across as if you don’t like him very much. He needs nurture, boundaries and supports in place to help make the world less scary for him. Having autism changes everything and as they say if we could all walk a mile in their shoes I’m sure there would be much more compassion.

I agree. His actions need consequences otherwise it will continue. He's 13 so old enough to understand that, autistic or not. If you've already told him that it's cancelled then you should follow thro. I'm sorry OP, this sounds very hard

It sounds very much here like your approach and ‘consequences’ are probably making his behaviour worse and not working at all.

I agree but I am physically and mentally worn out. I have scratches, marks on hands/face. I am physically and mentally drained. We already pay so much for private support already that we are going to use the money to do CBT and family support as this is becoming unbearable now.

@Claireintheclouds

So if a child messes up the house, isn't the natural consequence for him is to clean it up?

I'm sorry but @Clymene is correct. Without trying to sound patronising, you don't understand. He is not in control of hitting you, you are punishing him for something he can't help. Strategies to recognise escalating emotions and giving a safe space to release them is what he needs.

My source is that I am autistic with two autistic children. If you had said you hope I'm not going to cry to me as a child, I would have outright roared in your face with zero ability to stop it. It is only with age that I am able to suppress that response.

I would say that his emotional age is closer to 8 or 9 years old, not 13. About 2/3 of his biological age with all the strength and hormones of his biological age mixed in.

I'm sorry, parenting that age is going to be tricky and you need help learning strategies and he needs some sort of therapy to help him understand his emotions.