Page 6 | To cancel birthday party

thankyoumadam · 2022-12-10T12:11:12+00:00

I have an autistic DS who is 13. He hit me again this morning and called me an 'idiot'. I am tried of it. His behaviour is becoming out of control. AIBU to cancel his party. We are going to use the money to get him help.

Original poster

thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 16:04

@jamoncrumpets

Ok next time. I won't say it and he won't hit me again.

When I tell him to have his medication, knowing it will result in a meltdown. I would not give it to him as it would end up with a meltdown.

When I tell him that he has to finish his homework and then he can play games. I won't tell him that anymore, because it would result in a meltdown.

When I tell him 'No!' 'Stop!' Before he does something drastic. I would not tell him that anymore as that will result in a meltdown.

Ok, ok. I'll do that next time.

OP posts:

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 10/12/2022 16:04

Bewitched005 · 10/12/2022 15:50

If he doesn't do it at school then it's clear that he has some control over his actions. If he had no control, he would hit anyone who upset him.

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It doesnt occur to you that he doesnt do it at school because school knows how to work with an Autistic child, and are able to de escalate him when he is upset?

Itsabitnotcold · 10/12/2022 16:07

thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 15:54

@SavingKitten

.... where in that exchange did you read that I said anything? When he exploded, I held onto him and did not say a word. When I told him- 'Ohno your not going to get upset?'- I said it in a questioning Uh-oh sort of way.

Not only that but he was head butting my chest to hurt me! He stopped and then I knelt down and then he head butted my lip. I mean.... wtf?

If your MIL said that to you when you were clearly upset about something she had done, how would you feel?
Because I'd be really fucked off, I can't imagine anybody ever finding that a helpful thing to say.

And you struggle to feel sympathy for him? I mean 1. No shit, obviously. But 2. He's a fucking child that's really struggling to get through life, like obviously it's shit for him. He's not a bad person. He's a person that's having a really tough time. And you may be too. But you're the adult, so it's your job to de-escalate these things.

You are parenting him wrong. 90% of the people here have told you that. But you still chose to cancel the party. So you clearly don't think you're doing anything wrong. You need to look at yourself and try to change how you respond to him. If you expect him to be able to change how he responds to you.

He won't ever learn if you don't teach him, he will be an adult man unable to control his outbursts. Or like myself and many other autistic adults who were parented this way "back in the good old days" he will struggle with his mental health and will be unwell and miserable. I'm not saying all autistics are, or that all people who have mental health issues have their parents to blame. But I've been him, and I know others, and we are not well.

Original poster

thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 16:08

@SavingKitten

I don't understand. We did not bicker. I took something from him prior (on another day) and he was asking for it back. I said 'No DS, I need to see good behaviour first' and he was getting worked up and that's when I said 'uh oh....' I held onto him as he I knew he was going to hit me.

OP posts:

Original poster

thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 16:10

He won't ever learn if you don't teach him, he will be an adult man unable to control his outbursts

I agree. But how? I need more support in this area.

OP posts:

Original poster

thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 16:12

@YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer

He is a king masker. He is masking at school. He has never once got upset at school. I know this because the school will be on the phone to me telling me that his upset.

OP posts:

SavingKitten · 10/12/2022 16:13

thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 16:08

@SavingKitten

I don't understand. We did not bicker. I took something from him prior (on another day) and he was asking for it back. I said 'No DS, I need to see good behaviour first' and he was getting worked up and that's when I said 'uh oh....' I held onto him as he I knew he was going to hit me.

So you took something off him a different day, and then a different day he asks for the item back you and continue the punishment by saying no because he’s still bad. He can’t change that, because it isn’t fair and he can’t process things like you because 1) he’s autistic and 2) he’s a teenager. Of course he got frustrated.

Its worrying that you can’t see what you are doing wrong here, even with everyone explaining it to you. If you can’t understand what you are doing wrong as an adult with people giving it to you straight, how is your autistic child suppose to understand what he’s doing wrong, when he’s just asking for his property when he’s not currently doing anything wrong.

You need to redirect some of the money you are spending on therapies for your son, to yourself for some parenting courses for parents of autistic children, so that you can learn to understand his world and how to work with it.

Itsabitnotcold · 10/12/2022 16:16

thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 16:04

@jamoncrumpets

Ok next time. I won't say it and he won't hit me again.

When I tell him to have his medication, knowing it will result in a meltdown. I would not give it to him as it would end up with a meltdown.

When I tell him that he has to finish his homework and then he can play games. I won't tell him that anymore, because it would result in a meltdown.

When I tell him 'No!' 'Stop!' Before he does something drastic. I would not tell him that anymore as that will result in a meltdown.

Ok, ok. I'll do that next time.

How about. Just as suggestions, it may not work specifically for him.
Have a clock that shoes when its time for his medication. Somewhere visible, so that he knows when it's coming up to medication time and can mentally prepare. Or if it's like a bed time medication. Have a set bedtime routine, that includes medication with say a biscuit and a glass of milk. Set routine, expected.

Have a set homework time that allows decompression time, you need to recover before you can do homework. It might work better to have an hour timed, or if it's like xbox war games where you have to finish what you started have, say, 4 matches, then homework. Then another 4 matches.

Shouting "No" is really absolutely pointless. Especially if he's melting down. The noise alone will just make it worse. Can you create a safe space where he can melt down. Have him help you plan what needs to be in it and help him and you think about his triggers and what helps him.

Top and bottom is, you don't spring stuff on autistic people. You don't expect them to stop what they're doing, or change their plans. Someone earlier mentioned they started just showing their kid their present and where it was, fucking genius. The stress surprises cause is just pointless.

Identify his triggers, ask "I can see you're feeling overwhelmed what could I do to make this easier for you? Well before he's melting down though. You need to see the storm miles before it comes. You don't board your house up during a hurricane. And you certainly don't throw shit at the hurricane.

Bewitched005 · 10/12/2022 16:18

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 10/12/2022 16:04

It doesnt occur to you that he doesnt do it at school because school knows how to work with an Autistic child, and are able to de escalate him when he is upset?

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No, I don't see it like that. What I see is a child who knows how to control himself in certain situations.
If the school was working on 'de-escalating ' situations, I would think they'd have shared their amazing methods with his parents.

Goodgrief82 · 10/12/2022 16:19

What kind of “party” had you arranged for a 13 year old?!

Original poster

thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 16:20

@SavingKitten

If My son is attending private speech therapy, OT and equine therapy. Am I not present in the sessions? If we are working on emotional vocabulary and regulation in OT, through that, the specialists are supporting me in understanding and managing DS's behaviour so we can carry over the same interventions at home.

If I took something off from DS and I said he cannot have it yet- I mean what is wrong with that? So in fear of a meltdown, I always have to give in to DS? I don't think your seeing it from my point of view.

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Goodgrief82 · 10/12/2022 16:21

You seem to really rather dislike your own son OP

but please tell me about this “party” for your son and what it involved… party games?

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 10/12/2022 16:21

thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 16:12

@YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer

He is a king masker. He is masking at school. He has never once got upset at school. I know this because the school will be on the phone to me telling me that his upset.

Do you know how much work it is for someone Autistic to mask all day? You dont think that on top of masking the school is also not triggering him? I feel very very sad for your son. I dont understand why you would ever comment to him about "are you going to cry again" No matter how you said it to him, Autistic people can struggle understanding tone, especially when upset. I'm sure that came across as very upsetting to him. You have said you have no sympathy for him, and even here calling him a "king masker" feels almost like you could have said "master manipulator" I know you are tired. I know its so, so, so very hard having an autistic teen. Please look into finding help with how to work with your autistic son. Your method is obviously not working

Original poster

thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 16:22

Goodgrief82 · 10/12/2022 16:19

What kind of “party” had you arranged for a 13 year old?!

Sorry when I say a party, I mean a birthday outing/treat. Not a party per se.

OP posts:

Goodgrief82 · 10/12/2022 16:22

I do feel for you OP

but…

The only reason why I'm hesitant to cancel is because of the children who are coming and it's very short notice.

this was reason enough OP. Simple as that

Goodgrief82 · 10/12/2022 16:23

thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 16:22

Sorry when I say a party, I mean a birthday outing/treat. Not a party per se.

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So presumably you’d booked something?

how many attending?

Goodgrief82 · 10/12/2022 16:24

I imagine the other parents are pissed off too.

I always make plans when mine are at parties

and if an outing… for hours probably and likely they were looking forward to it if something like go karting

Itsabitnotcold · 10/12/2022 16:24

thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 16:08

@SavingKitten

I don't understand. We did not bicker. I took something from him prior (on another day) and he was asking for it back. I said 'No DS, I need to see good behaviour first' and he was getting worked up and that's when I said 'uh oh....' I held onto him as he I knew he was going to hit me.

What? You took it off him days ago?
Did you give him a time frame or a specific task to get it back? Or just some unambiguous "good behaviour"? Not fair.
Say you took it off him because he threw it at a wall "OK DS I can see you're struggling and I'm just going to take this away until this time tomorrow because we don't want it to get damaged. So let's do something else calming and you can have this back at 5pm tomorrow when you're feeling a bit better."

Original poster

thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 16:25

Goodgrief82 · 10/12/2022 16:21

You seem to really rather dislike your own son OP

but please tell me about this “party” for your son and what it involved… party games?

I love my son. I would go over the moon and back for him. But I dislike his behaviour. I dislike the hitting, name calling, having scratches and marks on my body. I am mentally exhausted.

OP posts:

autienotnaughty · 10/12/2022 16:25

He's autistic firstly you need to manage his environment to limit meltdowns etc. secondly if you are issuing consequences they need to be instant to take effect. It reads like you want to punish him for the impact on you. That's not the reason to do it.

willstarttomorrow · 10/12/2022 16:29

OP, you have my sympathies, I do not have an autistic child but I work with parents who do and also parents with NT children and young people with behavioural issues. Cancelling his party will not be a productive or successful way of managing his behaviour. It is unfair on him and would be for most young people. Boundary setting and sanctions have to 'make sense' to all children- when it comes to additional needs then you really need to be working with agencies to understand and be consistent across all settings. So if what school does is working then you should be doing this too. If he has a diagnosis then he should have an ECHP and communication between home and education should be central. To be honest you sound as if you have given up (and no judgement, I have friends who have violent children - not anyone's fault- as well as supporting parents through work). You need to accept and try any support on offer, although probably as much available as it should be. Unfortunately- no magic wands exist and things take time and persistence.

Original poster

thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 16:29

What? You took it off him days ago?
Did you give him a time frame or a specific task to get it back? Or just some unambiguous "good behaviour"? Not fair

Yes. He knew what he had to do. I didn't want to get into it as the moment he starts. He will go on and on and then he will get worked up.

OP posts:

Goodgrief82 · 10/12/2022 16:30

thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 16:25

I love my son. I would go over the moon and back for him. But I dislike his behaviour. I dislike the hitting, name calling, having scratches and marks on my body. I am mentally exhausted.

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And I feel for you OP

bit you have let down entirely innocent children and also inconvenienced their parents

you have also potentially made your son’s life tricky on Monday morning at school

Have you lost any money?

Goodgrief82 · 10/12/2022 16:30

Are you a single parent?

Itsabitnotcold · 10/12/2022 16:33

thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 16:29

What? You took it off him days ago?
Did you give him a time frame or a specific task to get it back? Or just some unambiguous "good behaviour"? Not fair

Yes. He knew what he had to do. I didn't want to get into it as the moment he starts. He will go on and on and then he will get worked up.

So you remind him what he has to do. Rather than "I need to see some good behaviour" you say "yeah course, remember we agreed you needed to (put that shelf back up so it has some where safe to sit) let's go do that then we can get your (snowglobe)"
You're not making things clear for him. So he's stressed in an uncertain environment. In the things you've written here bits are changing so I can only imagine it's the same. You need to communicate clearly, set clear objectives and time frames.