To cancel birthday party

[thankyoumadam]

I have an autistic DS who is 13. He hit me again this morning and called me an 'idiot'. I am tried of it. His behaviour is becoming out of control. AIBU to cancel his party. We are going to use the money to get him help.

Sending a big hug OP. You sound completely exhausted with it. Does he do martial arts? A 1-1 or small group session could work. Not sparring, just the discipline, the routines, the familiar expectations and a channel for his built up frustrations in a safe environment.
Does he / will he walk? Sometimes the fresh air is so good for our heads.

how is he now? How are you? Do you both have space to go somewhere quiet & alone?

How does he feel about the party? What is it?

So you took something from him (why?) and then you mocked him when he got upset and now you're wondering why he lashed out?

Have you had any training on how to parent autistic children?

Because what you're doing is ineffective and exacerbating his meltdowns.

"Ohno, I hope your not going to cry"
Why would you say this?

You can't just take things away because he's said something, the two things aren't connected. It's just doing something to hurt him because he's done something to hurt you , then you stuck in the cycle until it explodes.

Obviously it's hard having an autistic child, but it's also very very hard having unmanaged autism and I really don't think you're looking at it from his perspective. Just at how he's ruining your life.

What you're describing isn't bad behaviour, it's a meltdown. Him banging his head into your chest is him trying to self regulate.

In future move out of his space when he's upset, don't follow him, don't put demands or ask questions on him and don't argue. Yes, he swore at you, that isn't ideal but it didn't put you in physical harm either. You're trying to tackle behaviour at the wrong time, when his emotions are already heightened and he isn't coping. Wading in then is just making the situation worse. Acknowledging it, saying you can see he's angry and you're going to get out of his space (( when the swearing starts )) will be a lot more effective.

You can tackle the issue of swearing at a time when he's able to take information in.

It sounds like you need a parenting course to help you understand your son's triggers and de escalate stressed behaviour. When you told him you hoped he wasn't going to cry you introduced that idea and ambiguity around it, and that's why he melted down. You shouldn't have said anything at all.

You don't even taunt NT kids for crying. I just can't get past it. Who mocks kids for crying except dinosaurs. Next time just tell him boys don't cry. Or that he's being a sissy. Jeez I get it's hard and I'm trying to sympathise. But fuck you don't say that to kids.

And I do sympathise. It's very hard parenting autistic children at times. It's not like parenting neurotypical kids and sometimes I am totally and completely fed up with it.

But you need to de-escalate. This time of year (as so many others have said) is always a bloody nightmare.

Christmas presents are guaranteed and known about, and we don't go to any events. We stay in and are calm because the disruption in routine and expectations around food and celebration and Christmas jumpers and all that stuff just are too much.

I wouldn't cancel but I would seriously look into getting help for him and for yourself also so you can find ways of coping with his actions

The telling thing is you saying 'this is not the life I wanted for myself'.

What did you think you were signing up for as a parent? This is the job.

My ds used to be horrendous at this time of year, I ended it overnight the year I had a lightbulb moment and allowed him to see and put away the item he'd been obsessing over.......he still gets surprises, but we always make sure the thing he's been really set on he gets to see it and be in charge of hiding it.

YANBU. If you are sure that he understands that what he is doing is wrong then I would cancel the party. You cannot be repeatedly hitting your mother at 13 and there be no serious punishment. His behaviour is shocking and should have consequences. I would only make an exception if he doesn’t know that hitting you is wrong. This is not about you being malicious - this is about you saying that if he head butts you, wrestles you and insults you then you will not be indulging him with expensive treats. The fact that the money could be better spent on treatment for him is a factor too.

Having a child with ASD is completely different to parenting an NT child which is what the majority imagine their life will be. This is a really patronising comment.

His behaviour is shocking.

his behaviour is out of his control. He is in a meltdown and completely out of control and overwhelmed by his emotions. You cannot handle this the way you’d handle an NT teen just hitting you because they want to.

@thankyoumadam I know it's hard, but your son's behaviours are distress signals- he's not coping- and as his parent you need to de-escalate and support him before he gets so distressed.

I'm sorry to say this but all the strategies you've mentioned are probably making things worse. Maybe they would work for a NT child but they're certainly not going to work for a ND child in distress. Lashing out like that is not uncommon in ND children who are highly stressed. My DS used to do it until we learned how to support him more effectively.

Have you had much guidance on meeting the needs of your child? How to reduce pressure on him? How to de-escalate situations?

OP It sounds like you're at the end of your tether. It's incredibly difficult parenting a child with additional needs and challenging behaviour. It sounds like you need specific training to handle his needs. He simply doesn't have the emotional maturity, executive control or ability to process of a NT child his age. If you punish behaviour he has no control over you'll make things worse. He needs to be taught to manage his emotions in a more constructive way so that he avoids losing control out of frustration. He'll need to find specific techniques which work for him, a space to decompress when he's overwhelmed, the ability to recognise when he's beginning to get overstressed and an environment which is within his ability to cope with. If these aren't in place all the punishments in the world won't work because you're asking things of him he's simply incapapable of doing. (He may be able to mask for a short period of time but the stress this creates will cause bigger meltdowns in the end).

@ExtraOnions have you got any advice re parenting your dd. Mine is 10 diagnosed as autistic two years ago and her behaviour is very hard to manage.

To be hit on a consistent basis?? No I didn't sign up for that.

PS no definitely wouldn't cancel the party!

Have you tried rewarding good behaviour and ignoring where possible not so good behaviour

How can the OP ignore being hit? I would follow through with cancelling the party.

Well perhaps if she didn't mock him for being upset then he wouldn't lash out.

Totally not the point but...

Do kids still have birthday parties at 13?

DS hasnt been invited to one since primary (and use to get invited to a lot) and when I tried to organise one for him no one was interested dispite the fact they hang out often so are good friends... seems 'parties' are 'uncool' in secondry school.

Looking back no one had parties when I was that age either, I think after 11 my next successful 'party' (where we invited people and they where interested in coming) was 18.

If anything did happen for a party it was normally just birthday kid and their best friend planning to go somewhere like the cinema, bowling, crazy golf, maybe a theme park at a push etc...

I know this is AIBU but your tone is really judgemental. OP clearly says why she took it. He was being rude. How do you know that her tone was mocking? If she can’t take something away and return it when he behaves better, what do system of choices, consequences and rewards do you propose she uses to discipline him: one where there are no consequences at all, regardless of choices he makes to head butt his own mother in the face? Autism or not, he needs teaching that he can’t hit and insult people who upset him.

You’re right. The exhausted OP, who came here for help, should just smile like a Stepford Wife and try nothing. Even taking away an item is harsh parenting of a 13 year old.

Did I miss something? Where does it say the OP mocked him for being upset?

“then he was getting worked up and I said 'Ohno, I hope your not going to cry",

@LimeTwists - you are not a parent of an autistic child. I am. I've been doing this for 16 years. My child doesn't hit me any more because I have put hours and hours into learning how to parent him effectively. I don't always get it right but I try. And when I fuck up, it's on me, not him.

The OP has tried escalating punishments and they aren't working. You saying that hitting should be severely punished shows you know sod all about parenting children with autism.

@Bewitched005 It started that I took off something from him prior because he was calling me names. He was asking me for it back and I said 'no- once I see good behaviour' and then he was getting worked up and I said 'Ohno, I hope your not going to cry"

That is despicable parenting and you're damn right I judge it.