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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel birthday party

158 replies

thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 12:11

I have an autistic DS who is 13. He hit me again this morning and called me an 'idiot'. I am tried of it. His behaviour is becoming out of control. AIBU to cancel his party. We are going to use the money to get him help.

OP posts:
ChristmasTidyings · 10/12/2022 12:45

I don't think I would cancel it this last minute, as others have said, gifts will have been bought etc.

At 13, DS is the same size as me and stronger than me. The biggest question for me is: Does he only hit you?
If yes, then I would be implementing a massive review of all privileges and chores. Plus getting external help. If he is only hitting you and not people who are larger than him then there is an element of choice in his behaviour.

If no and he goes for anyone who is nearby then you need to go straight to get him help and doesn't rock the boat with screen time etc.

Dotcheck · 10/12/2022 12:46

I wouldn’t cancel the party either. Surely you’ll have already spent money? Obviously he needs more help, but cancelling the party is a very bad idea

fancyacuppatea · 10/12/2022 12:47

YANBU.

drpet49 · 10/12/2022 12:48

MN is an alien universe to me sometimes. The OP is being regularly assaulted by her 13 year old son. Yet she is being unreasonable cancelling a birthday party.

I would cancel it. He needs to learn his behaviour has consequences.

NoAlexa · 10/12/2022 12:50

My ds has autism, and I would not cancel the party as he would struggle with it. Also punishments for bad behaviour need to be done as soon as possible and next day doesn't really work.

You do need some help, it's extremely hard to try and do it all as parents without support.

finallyme2018 · 10/12/2022 12:50

My son is autistic and is 12 nearly 13. My son also shouts calls names and get physically violent this tends to happen when his life is unsettled and he feels out of control. Things like birthday party's, activities for Christmas is so far out of his normal routine that his behaviour declines. When his behaviour gets like this very firm boundaries help. Do strick bedtimes whether it's weekend or during week. No treats no little extras at all and once he starts calming down and feels secure and his world is normal that when I sit down and explain that behaviour is not acceptable and how he had hurt me emotionally and physically. At this point he spinning and cannot comprehend anything so you'd be talking to a wall. Autistic children are not making a conscious choice to lash out and hurt you, punishing them will not have the effect you hope it will. Itis that they cannot regulate themselves and their emotions because something had happened to disrupt their normal routine and life. Remember his lashing out at you is purely because your his safe place. Where he can show how he truly feels but you'll still love him regardless. Though it does not feel like it when your are their emotional punching bag.

Clymene · 10/12/2022 12:51

Will punishing him change his behaviour? What has preceded the hitting and insults?

britneyisfree · 10/12/2022 12:58

I'm all for natural consequences but I'd cancel it too.

You can't be sure it's safe for the other guests and as a result you have to cancel. No way would I tolerate my 13 year old hitting me and then throw him a party the next day!!!

But I only have a toddler so who knows.

Claireintheclouds · 10/12/2022 13:06

thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 12:40

Yes he apologised but he only apologised when I said the party is now cancelled.

Show quote history

If you’ve already said the party is cancelled you will need to follow through

Original poster
thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 13:10

Clymene · 10/12/2022 12:51

Will punishing him change his behaviour? What has preceded the hitting and insults?

It seems like all my punishments are not working.

No TV, No consoles for x amount of time hours

No extra curricular activities

Excessive amount of chores.

I just gong know what to do!

OP posts:
ADifferentKindofChristmas · 10/12/2022 13:10

drpet49 · 10/12/2022 12:48

MN is an alien universe to me sometimes. The OP is being regularly assaulted by her 13 year old son. Yet she is being unreasonable cancelling a birthday party.

I would cancel it. He needs to learn his behaviour has consequences.

Do you have autistic Dc's?

Nanny0gg · 10/12/2022 13:12

drpet49 · 10/12/2022 12:48

MN is an alien universe to me sometimes. The OP is being regularly assaulted by her 13 year old son. Yet she is being unreasonable cancelling a birthday party.

I would cancel it. He needs to learn his behaviour has consequences.

Oh yes. That's so easy and works every time. Hmm

NoelNoNoel · 10/12/2022 13:17

*t seems like all my punishments are not working.

No TV, No consoles for x amount of time hours

No extra curricular activities

Excessive amount of chores.

I just gong know what to do!*

Have you tried rewarding good behaviour and ignoring where possible not so good behaviour?

FlamingWreath · 10/12/2022 13:18

OP, is there a possibility he may be behaving like this due to anxiety over his party? Can you set a consequence for today - eg limit access to devices - and try to find out what your son’s trigger was?
My son is a bit younger than yours, but we know several things can trigger this behaviour - including changes to routines (parties included). It can help to keep everything else as low demand, and low stimulation, as much as possible around those times.
there’s a lovely group on FB you might find useful called Newbold Hope, OP.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/12/2022 13:20

It just feels too late to cancel OP.

ExtraOnions · 10/12/2022 13:26

thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 13:10

It seems like all my punishments are not working.

No TV, No consoles for x amount of time hours

No extra curricular activities

Excessive amount of chores.

I just gong know what to do!

Show quote history

None of those worked for me either.

You are punishing a behaviour he has little control over, so it’s not going to stop it happening again.

What I recognised (with the help of professionals) was that she was having a panic / anxiety attack.. her “fight or flight” was being triggered, and she was losing control.

A lot of people posting on this thread won’t be parenting ASD teens, and will be imagining that punishing them in the same way you punish NT, will work (it won’t)

Y7drama · 10/12/2022 13:31

I don’t think I would cancel, and I’m not sure I would ban extra curricular activities as I think they’re important. But I do help you can get the help and support you need as this sounds like a nightmare situation for you. Sounds like @ExtraOnions has some helpful thoughts.

BabyFour2023 · 10/12/2022 13:33

Obviously more context is needed. What was happening when he hit you and called you an idiot? What help is he already getting and what is it you’re planning to fund with the party money? How did he feel about the party? What did you do the first time he hit you? How is he now?

MichelleScarn · 10/12/2022 13:36

Claireintheclouds · 10/12/2022 13:06

If you’ve already said the party is cancelled you will need to follow through

Show quote history

Still agree with this, how can ignoring being headbutted in the face work? Being called names yes ignore, but that level of violence can't be.

Clymene · 10/12/2022 13:39

You didn't answer my other question - what happened to spark off this behaviour?

I have an autistic teenager. I don't punish him for being autistic. I do try and avoid meltdowns though.

Have you had any training on parenting autistic children? I did the Bernardo's course and it was really helpful

Claireintheclouds · 10/12/2022 13:40

MichelleScarn · 10/12/2022 13:36

Still agree with this, how can ignoring being headbutted in the face work? Being called names yes ignore, but that level of violence can't be.

Show quote history

Plus the party being cancelled will be a logical consequence

not a natural one, but logical is the next best thing for children with a trauma background or additional needs.

Claireintheclouds · 10/12/2022 13:42

thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 13:10

It seems like all my punishments are not working.

No TV, No consoles for x amount of time hours

No extra curricular activities

Excessive amount of chores.

I just gong know what to do!

Show quote history

They’re not working as you shouldn’t punish. ND Children need consequences.

Ideally natural ones, logical if natural isn’t suitable.

In this instance the cancellation would be a logical consequence as long as it’s pitched that way. Unfortunately it seems you have already framed it as a punishment

Look up the national therapeutic parenting association on FB they’ll be able to support and advise

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 10/12/2022 13:59

Oh op I've been there......punishments don't work with people who have Autism in the same way. They just don't. It's more about natural consequences and managing the environment. Tone of voice, keeping stimulation low etc. In your sons case Christmas is coming up AND his birthday is tomorrow. You're in the sniper zone, we keep those times of year extremely low key with expectations set out early and help them.to regulate their emotions.

Does he game ? Some of our kids just can't cope with that kind of stimulation, that was one of the things I did ban with the explanation that it was making everybody sad so we.couldnt have it in our home.......natural consequences aren't wishes washy. Breakages meant having to go without a treat or.event to replace the broken item, not being ready on time often meant missing out on something entirely, not behaving appropriately in public would mean leaving. Not as punishment but because they weren't coping.

In your situation you need to ask his disability nurse or sw about parenting courses that can help him and you both. But all cancelling his party will do is make him angry.......draw a line in the sand after tomorrow and change the way things are done moving forward.

Itsabitnotcold · 10/12/2022 14:04

I think you need to get some specific parenting support for parents of autistic kids. A kid can't turn of their autism because they get punished. Your punishments aren't making any sense and will just be making him feel more unstable.

He will learn to manage his responses but you need to manage your own, throwing random punishments out because your emotional is essentially exactly what he's doing. Expect he's an autistic child in the early years of puberty and you're a (assumingly) neurotypical adult.

Original poster
thankyoumadam · 10/12/2022 14:08

It started that I took off something from him prior because he was calling me names. He was asking me for it back and I said 'no- once I see good behaviour' and then he was getting worked up and I said 'Ohno, I hope your not going to cry", then he just literally bear hugged me and banging me on my back, I was holding onto him, and he was banging his head on my chest and I knelt down and he banged my lip whilst he was doing that. Then started to scream and cry-saying all sorts, try to put me into a bear hug again-like wrestling and then he called me an idiot.

I've had enough. My head is pounding. The only reason why I'm hesitant to cancel is because of the children who are coming and it's very short notice. Im just at my wits end.

We are currently trialling equine therapy but I don't know what else to do. This is not the life that I wanted for myself.

OP posts: