Yes I feel terrible about the wall thing, I should not have done that, I’m Upset that I let him get to me, I can’t change it anyway now 😢
diversity.social/reactive-abuse/
Not that self-harm (your poor elbow) due to extremity of supressed emotion qualifies as abuse, but ...
... the pattern of him goading you until you react like this, or cry, or shout, is a recognised part of coercively controlling relationships.
but TBH, I equally wouldn't be with someone who elbowed walls until there were holes in them.
@Bronnau - Please don't write about OP as if this wall-elbowing incident is a common occurrence, & see the link above? OP is not the abusive party here.
I came home earlier and he asked if I wanted a cuddle…I literally haven’t stopped crying all day the last thing I want is a cuddle. It’s literally baffling me.
The cycle of abuse goes Idealise / Devalue /Discard
He devalued you all day, until you reacted, & left the house - he got exactly what he wanted (selfish alone time) & felt you had suffered enough Discard. He's now back in Idealise - even though what he's doing is Idealising in an attempt to present himself as the ideal party. The 'loving' H who is ... offering a cuddle!
Like that makes up for his previous abuse.
When you feel able to, look back over the years & observe how this pattern played out.
At the start of the relationship, the cycle of abuse is prolonged. It can take months or even years to play out. This long initial Idealise period is taken for the famed 'honeymoon period' & of course the soon-to-be-abused party mistakes it for reality. What is really happening is that you are being Love Bombed. & that never lasts.
Soon enough comes the Devalue/Discard phase.
The abused party is now on tenterhooks, walking on eggshells trying to appease her abuser & look for ways to bring back the 'nice' b/f he used to be - to in effect kickstart the Idealise phase again.
The cycle inevitably speeds up, he often ramps up the content & viciousness of his abuse to counter her increasing numbness to it. Before she knows where she is, he's capable of enacting the entire Idealise/Devalue/Discard cycle on her in a single day.
This is why you feel baffled OP.
You are in a constant state of cognitive dissonance due to the cycle of abuse.
You can't believe he'd behave like this, yet he does. You do your darndest to communicate with him, yet he shuts you down. You do everything for the family while he does nothing - yet YOU are the one painted as the villain.
It's a headfuck.
That is what gaslighting is.