DH says I’m an angry person

[Nickoin]

So, every morning I wake up with the kids as he apparently cannot get up. He was our last night and DS (2) was up and down as he isn’t very well, I have been up since 4:30 whilst he sleeps as he didn’t get in until 1:30. He will probably be our all night tonight too as England is on, he says I am jealous because I am not him. If I just lay in bed too who will give the kids their breakfast etc? I feel like I am the one who does everything but maybe I am not, I don’t know, maybe I just don’t like him anymore?

You are not abusive, and if you were, which you are not he would let you go to your mum's but he will be hoovering you and gaslighting you no doubt.

So I will say to you EVEN IF some of this mess were your responsibility, the solution would still be to stay away from him.

Try to stay out of conversation with him for as long as possible. Don't worry about him seeing the kids right now. He wasn't bothered before. You aren't going to prevent him from being a good man, a good husband or a good father.

He chose to let you take on all of the labour so he could have all of the freedom.

Your life is not a sacrifice to his convenience.

15 years free of an emotionally abusive fucker. He blamed me for everything and still does but you will get clarity. It will come.

Right now be kind to yourself.
What would you say to a friend in this situation. You would no doubt be loving and supportive to a friend in your s8tuation. Take that one sentence and repeat it.
I dont know you but you can get through this and build a new life without him. You are not contractually obliged to sacrifice yourself for his convenience. You can stop. Later you can heal. You will if you d3cide to.

may you always see the good in yourself

Tune out his blaming and shaming. That's who he is. It has nothing to do with you.

Xx

I feel like I am the one who does everything but maybe I am not, I don’t know, maybe I just don’t like him anymore?

Don't worry OP, I don't like him very much either, & I don't have to live with him.

Why do you think you doubt your own perceptions of how much you are doing?
HINT - he constantly tells you that you are exaggerating, he constantly minimises the amount you do, he constantly tells you that your reaction to his behaviour is the problem - not the behaviour itself ...???

What do you think is going to change in a month?

Will he miraculously start seeing what household jobs need doing, & do them?
Will he start parenting his children instead of lying in bed or on the sofa, watching you do everything?
Will be suddenly become the sort of father who WANTS to stay home when his child is sick? Because - ya know - parenting?

To punish & control you, & to make you worry.

To screw up your work commitments tomorrow morning.

To remind you who is boss.

And he is the one who calls YOU controlling? He's a fucking joke OP.

So he essentially lives the life of a single man, with you as housemaid, childminder, & cook.

Whereas your own social life is limited to half a dozen evenings a year.

He does nothing for you, or for his family, except - presumably - earn a wage.
Would you miss him if he was not there, or feel happier?

Don't worry about that for one moment OP.

Your DC are already picking up on what a lazy arse he is, & asking why he never 'helps' mummy.

If you were to split up, & he chose to badmouth you, they won't think well of him for it. Especially when you don't do it about him - they'll know who the reliable, safe, nurturing parent is.

Plus - you don't want to be role modelling your current domestic servitude to your daughter for much longer, do you?

😂😂😂

Classic tactic of abusers everywhere -
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

He's gaslighting you OP.
What a twat.
He is contemptible.

You're not horrible, you're at the end of your tether.

Think this through ... does he often goad & taunt you, then blame you for your reaction?

The way he speaks to you - from just the little you've reported in your updates - is definitely designed to make you frustrated, resentful, angry ...
& THAT IS WHY HE DOES IT.

So he can lie on his sofa winding you up, doing fuck-all to contribute to family life, & when you get (reasonably, & inevitably) grumpy about it, he can make you the villain of the piece.

Does that make sense now OP?
You need to read this book -
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO
Get the e-version & store it safely - because he MUST NOT ever see that you have a copy.

He is a lazy person. I am so sorry you are going through this. Stop cooking for him or doing laundry.

You are angry because you are married to a lazy person who does not work enough to contribute to the family.

Deep breaths OP.

Get some respite with mum.
Will work understand if you miss some hours today - are you able to flex them? Or explain that you could not WFH as your H was unavailable for childcare?

On the practical side - do you rent or own your home?
If you rent - are you both named on the tenancy?
How are finances arranged, & do you earn enough to support you & DC solo?
What does your H earn, & what would the CMS-recommended % of that amount to each month when you make him pay maintenance?

No need to respond to those Q's here OP! - but it is all info you are going to have to think about with a cool & hard head on. At your own pace, when you feel able to tackle it.
He's not going to want to look after his own kids if you split, so use the CMS calculator to work out what it would cost him should you obtain sole resident parent status. Add in whatever benefits you may accrue as a single parent by checking on the EntitledTo website.

Once you've had time to do that, gather all the important documents - your & DC passports, birth certs, etc - details of all sole & joint bank accounts, any savings, or assets like cars, pensions, equity if you have a mortgage ... & see a solicitor.

Don't tell him ANY of this.
Keep your cards close to your chest so that - for a change - YOU are the one in control of things.

Take your own time, see as much of your mum & good, trustworthy friends as you can manage, & keep posting for support. Your H is a gaslighting, controlling prick who is using you to run his household while contributing nothing to it & making you feel horrible into the bargain.
He does it deliberately, because living the selfish existence of a single 'lad' is more important to him than your or his kids' happiness. You owe him nothing.

i do wonder if it is me? He is a very chilled out person and I am the opposite.

Ah, come on OP.
I'd be chilled out too, if you were running my entire household for me AND working to bring in a monetary contribution to my finances, while I went out whenever I liked because you will ALWAYS be there for my kids, so I don't even need to consult you ...

He's not very chilled out in the disgusting way he talks to you though is he?

DO NOT ATTEND ANY COUPLES COUNSELLING OR THERAPY WITH THIS MAN.

Professionals advise that couples never do this, when one of the pair is abusive.
OP's H is definitely abusing her.
He is gaslighting her into believing that she is "an angry person", so she feels unable to challenge his laziness & selfishness.

All the advice @Dashel gave would be great - IF it were about 2 reasonable people who are committed to communicating openly & honestly.
Unfortunately, OP's H is very far from being such a person. If OP tries the above suggestions, all he will see is more ammunition to weaponise against her. He will mock, belittle, & throw everything back in her face.
BECAUSE HE IS A GASLIGHTER.
There is no reasoning with gaslighting. Heads you lose, tails you lose.

Same goes for all the advice to forewarn him, or give him a time period to shape up. He would be furious to be challenged like that, & would go out of his way to put OP 'back in her box'. OP's best bet is to quietly gather all the documentation & practical information she needs, spend a while planning her best exit strategy, & present him with a fait accompli when SHE is ready to let her solicitor serve the divorce papers.
Until that point, she should not show her hand. This man will never change. He goes out of his way to upset & humiliate & enrage his wife, because that makes his life easier. That is who he is. He is not going to start stepping up or being decent. So why prolong things, or tip him the wink so he can start eg hiding money away or behaving even worse than usual?

He would go out, then call her to tell her she has abandoned her children.

Stop being so spineless!

Tell him he needs to sort his act out and start parenting, or he can have 50/50 custody and enjoy doing much more than he is now, without any help.

You don't understand because, happily, you don't have first hand experience of the effects of long term coercive control.

And to all the PP suggesting "talk to him! tell him! sit him down with a list of chores" - what you are not seeing is that over the years OP will have done this time & time again.
Far from getting her what she needs - a husband who participates in equally shared responsibilities - all she would have got from that is stonewalling, punishment, refusal, mockery (the way he speaks to her is despicable), DARVO, gaslighting & manipulation.

If this marriage could be saved by TALKING, OP wouldn't be in the predicament she's in. And that's not her fault - it's her abusive husband's.

YABU for having such a condescending attitude you think you are immune from this shit.

Honestly, if you think you can shield your DD's from domestic abuse by dint of being a superior type of woman, go & patent your method, & monetise it. The world will be grateful, & you will be a billionaire. I expect you'll be able to give those amateurs Dr Ramani & Lundy Bancroft the benefit of your expertise along the way.

Shame on you for victim blaming.
I get why you do it - it's a comfort to imagine that, purely by the strength of our own character, we can protect ourselves & our daughters from predators & abusers.
Unfortunately, it's not true.
Anybody can fall victim to coercive control. Including highly trained military personnel - google 1950's brainwashing if you don't believe me. Or Stockholm Syndrome. It's all exactly the same techniques.

Bloody amazing post @honeylulu

OP, do you really, truly, deep down believe that he's right and you're wrong? Or do you feel, for some reason, that you should feel this way, or at least say that you do?

Thanks so much for your support everyone, I am so glad I posted, I can’t even process today I don’t even feel angry anymore I just feel numb, when I think of him I feel really odd.

we have been together since we were 17, I am 32 now. I am leaving for the sake of my children as I never ever want to feel so much anger again, I obviously have loads to sort our and don’t even know where to start, I will come back in a few days.

I am so glad I posted, I can’t even process today I don’t even feel angry anymore I just feel numb, when I think of him I feel really odd.

PP are glad you posted too - look at the outpouring of support & - yes, anger! - on your thread.

The feeling numb & odd is normal btw. It's overwhelm. You've not just had a hard weekend (& many years ...), reading this thread can't have been easy for you, even though the vast majority of PP are cheering you on.

Take your own time, keep posting for support as long as you need to - but remember - you don't owe any of us updates: this thread is for YOU, not yet another chore to complete.

I am so angry on your behalf. He is a gaslighting, selfish, lazy waste of space.
You have every right to be angry with him. He doesn't pull his weight and expect you to do everything.

Quite frankly, I would send the children upstairs to annoy him while he sleeps in, stop cooking for him, stop doing his washing and basically go on strike. He might realise just how much you do for him.

I hope a day at your mum's helps, and I hope your little one feels better soon

It would have been subtly playing for years but once you start having children etc it’s ramps up. My ex changed the night we got home from the hospital but there had been signs. Signs that I had ignored but if I knew better I would have done better.

I did not know about gaslighters and how abusers work but now I see it played out in family too so to me it was normal. With this situation the pain gets so great that you know you can’t stay but you are terrified to leave too because you’ve been put down and made it think you can’t do it. You can. I did it with our clothes on our backs. The healing process was pretty horrible too but I got through that eventually.

Dont listen to the superior comments from arseholes who think they are above all of this. Any normal person has compassion because it’s a traumatic situation. Any smart person know these people come along when you are vulnerable or young and don’t know any better. It’s not your fault!!

just had another one trying to drag me into his shitshow but i know the signs now. I was still sucked in initially though and found it painful but got rid after a few months.

@DarceyG xx

Hi, couple of things, you said he says you're angry, yet this post is nothing to do with anger? You wrote this at 6am and said he got in at 1.30...is this the reason you was 'angry' I think we would all be a tad irked if you were woken up 'angrily' after being out and not having much sleep. Do you never go out? What happens then I assume he is taking care of them? I dont understand the points raised and suspect its deeper than this one incident. How often does he go out,is it consistent. Perhaps chat about that, who can blame him for going out to watch England in the world cup also. Everyone commenting get rid based off this one post needs to give their heads a wobble because this isnt even bad. Like i said I'm sure you go out? I think you're after a reason any reason to justify your own actions whatever they may have been how 'angry' were you? You were up and sleep deprived yourself and just wanted him to be in the same boat is my opinion. Talk if you have an issue Talk, this isnt bad! Questioning your like for him anyway speaks volumes for me.