DH says I’m an angry person

[Nickoin]

So, every morning I wake up with the kids as he apparently cannot get up. He was our last night and DS (2) was up and down as he isn’t very well, I have been up since 4:30 whilst he sleeps as he didn’t get in until 1:30. He will probably be our all night tonight too as England is on, he says I am jealous because I am not him. If I just lay in bed too who will give the kids their breakfast etc? I feel like I am the one who does everything but maybe I am not, I don’t know, maybe I just don’t like him anymore?

I have since read over all the posts and I dont think my opinion has changed personally. You elbowed and put a hole in a wall? Sounds like he might be right about the anger comment?
Imagine the post was that he punched a hole in the wall!! And the reaction of everyone here, you are right its inexcusable, what will be elbowed next time? and despite the fact he seems slow to start the days, he is right a dishwasher doesnt need emptying that early in the morning does it? Be realistic, you cannot be upset with that, hes got up presumably rough, a dishwasher being emptied is the last thing so early in the morning. People are commenting with their own experiences one woman has said her ex was in the pub every weekend all weekend. That's not what's happened here, you both do things which is healthy and commendable but it doesnt sound like he does a lot really, theres too many men that are always drinking or in the pub, he isnt. I stand by by opinion, although maybe now much more angles to this but theres a lot of issues from both sides that need resolving.

@JadeM90 - ??? What is the excuse for being slow to start days when he has to do no night wakings?

OP - I’m so sorry you are going through this. Your kids are lucky to have you. Hope your mum can help you

@SnoozyLucy7 Hiw are we just discounting the wall situation and brushing it off as though it's nothing, the assumption here was anger. Anger and punching holes in walls go hand in hand. Is this role model worthy also? The children wont be affected by this action will they not?

@Namenic I didnt discount that, that is an obvious issue, my point was that emptying the dishwasher didnt need to specifically happen in this scenario, but theres still an issue with slow starts. What about other weekends you work? Or is this the first, what happens then? When he hasn't gone out to watch England? What does he do with the children generally? @Nickoin

@JadeM90 - if you have read all the OPs posts, I don’t get how you can’t see that her DH’s laziness is not a huge and repeated issue. Not only are the slow starts in the morning a problem, he seems to have plenty of free time while OP is exhausted.

1 example:
Nickoin · Today 15:40
For a previous poster that asked how frequently does he go put, he plays sport 3 times a week and out at least one weekend a month, he goes on holiday whenever he wants etc. it’s not about the going out tbf, he knew I had work and things could have been arranged, plus he was put the night before whilst I was up all night again and he couldn’t get up yesterday morning either. He has started saying well I may as well be that person you think I am so I am not getting up, even though he never does anyway.

he never puts the washer on, loads the dishwasher or makes dinner. I make sure they have everything for schools/nursery etc and buy all their clothes, I am literally dead in my feet today I can’t wait to just go to sleep tonight.

@Namenic Read my comments again. I agree of the slow starts being a repetitive issue.

The example given says hes out once a month so this double night out is a rare occurrence presumably because of the football. He has been likened to someone "who's the same" who is out 3 times a weekend? He plays sport 3 times a week, when does he play? Does this affect family time? We dont know that. People play sports for all kinds of reasons and we shouldn't begrudge someone playing a sport it's good for the mind and body. He may play sport where others go to the gym but that wouldnt be frowned upon. @Nickoin Do you do any other activities? Do you go to the gym? Presumably you also have the option to go on holiday whenever you want? Once a month night out isnt bad is it and you roughly do the same from what you have said? So its seems very balanced from what I'm reading? But I still dont have all the facts here.

@JadeM90 - ??? Sport is NOT ok if your partner is exhausted due to night wakings and your slow starts.

@Namenic Again, please read. I am not in anyway condoning the slow starts. I asked when the sport was played and how it does specifically affect family time so that we can have a better understanding to know if it is ok or not. My comment about Sport was a generalised comment that playing sport is good.
From what I can gather, he definitely isnt playing sport in the mornings obv! So when is it, my guess is its eating into the evening time after work and thus removing him from the night time routine which wouldnt be ok to do that so consistently would it! And would therefore be understood...Or hes playing on the weekend too and taking away more family time? All just guesses at this point.

I have since read over all the posts and I dont think my opinion has changed personally.
Then you either can't have read them all, or you've failed to understand their meaning. Because you wouldn't be doubling down in this man's defence if you had.

You elbowed and put a hole in a wall? Sounds like he might be right about the anger comment?
You claim to have read all the posts, but must have missed the ones explaining what Reactive Abuse is. Also the informative link showing that is formally recognised by DA experts as a barrier to women getting help or leaving abusive men. It is a classic tool of coercive control, & is used to gaslight the victim into thinking she is at fault. That's why he calls her angry. That's why he acts so badly - he is goading her into responding with tears or temper, so he can pretend her REACTION is the problem, rather than his ACTIONS.

Imagine the post was that he punched a hole in the wall!! And the reaction of everyone here, you are right its inexcusable, what will be elbowed next time?
If OP has been gaslighting & abusing her H for years, refused to do any childcare or housework, assumed she could go out whenever she liked without even discussing it because in her mind, her H is the default parent, left him to be up & down all night with a sick child, then lay in bed after a heavy night out, only to finally come downstairs to lie on the sofa instead of interacting with her children - PP would have every sympathy for him finally losing his cool.
But that's not what's happening here, & I'm not sure why you can't understand that. Are you playing devil's advocate, or do you have trouble believing women's own words, & look to their husbands as the 'real' authority?

and despite the fact he seems slow to start the days, he is right a dishwasher doesnt need emptying that early in the morning does it? Be realistic, you cannot be upset with that, hes got up presumably rough, a dishwasher being emptied is the last thing so early in the morning.
Why are you singling out one solitary morning? He NEVER gets up for his DC. He doesn't get their breakfast, get them dressed or bathed, he doesn't play with them - he won't even change a nappy -
He has just walked in now, my son just woke up with a temp, I asked him to change a nappy and he said why are you inadequate?
Can you not see that this is a persistent pattern of behaviour?
And it's not just the refusal to lift a finger. It's the deliberate denigration of his wife, the constant undermining, the automatic push-back & aggression when he is asked to 'help' look after his own kids.

People are commenting with their own experiences
It's an advice forum. That's how they work.

one woman has said her ex was in the pub every weekend all weekend. That's not what's happened here,
So?
He went out when his child was sick, he doesn't even consult his co-parent about that because he reckons it's her job to suck up his parental neglect, he's going out again tonight, & is threatening not to come home - most likely because he knows OP has work at 7.30am & this will sabotage her day.
He goes out whenever he wants to, which is frequently enough that OP is perpetually knackered because SHE never gets time out.
She goes out socially about 6 times a year. No doubt because he will refuse to "babysit" his own children.

you both do things which is healthy and commendable
Oh ha ha ha
Quote one sentence from OP showing him doing ANYTHING for his kids or household.

but it doesnt sound like he does a lot really, theres too many men that are always drinking or in the pub, he isnt.
He's OFTEN drinking in the pub, or out having pizza, or whatever he gets up to, but that's not the main . The main problem is his emotional abuse of his wife.
And if you think there's no problem just because he's not in the pub EVERY night, your own bar is set very low indeed.

I stand by by opinion, although maybe now much more angles to this but theres a lot of issues from both sides that need resolving.
Tell us again what you think OP's issues are, & which of them couldn't be fixed by her no longer being abused by her H?

it’s not about the going out tbf, he knew I had work and things could have been arranged, plus he was put the night before whilst I was up all night again and he couldn’t get up yesterday morning either. He has started saying well I may as well be that person you think I am so I am not getting up, even though he never does anyway.

Gaslighting 101.

Use any legitimate complaint about you as an excuse to ... double down on the behaviour that is being complained about.

@JadeM90 - the ‘slow starts’ and no night wakings are a HUGE issue which causes chronic sleep deprivation. But if that’s not enough - he doesn’t cook, unload the dishwasher, sort the kids out for school.

so, given he doesn’t do these things PLUS the huge damage his morning laziness does, means that he has to be AMAZING in all other aspects to even be acceptable, and even then may or may not be enough…

@KettrickenSmiled
Some info here is just an assumption. OP hasn't said any of this "He doesn't get their breakfast, get them dressed or bathed, he doesn't play with them - he won't even change a nappy -" so why are we just assuming that's the case. @Nickoin Does he play with the kids? Bathe them? Change Nappies? I bloody hope so!
Again another assumption of him refusing to be with his own childre so that OP can have her own time, does she have the option but chooses not to take it. Unlike yourself I'm not sat here making assumptions against this man I have asked OP numerous questions so that I can understand the whole picture.
Everyone's missing my agreements surrounding the slow starts etc. I am just opening this up wider. Theres too many closed comments here without allowing OP to reflect on what were taking about. I get people give their own experiences but to state that it's the exact same is wrong when it's not. 3times a weekend is very different from once a month is it not?

I thin personally you are trying to justify your own position. Are you are doormat. In an abusive relationship but don’t want to look at that. No I didn’t either to begin with and was very defensive.

Unlike yourself I'm not sat here making assumptions
😂😂😂

What happens then I assume he is taking care of them?
Everyone commenting get rid based off this one post needs to give their heads a wobble because this isnt even bad.
I think you're after a reason any reason to justify your own actions whatever they may have been how 'angry' were you?
You were up and sleep deprived yourself and just wanted him to be in the same boat is my opinion.
And I would like to know, curious to know what happens when you go out, assuming you do so.
Sounds like he might be right about the anger comment?
theres too many men that are always drinking or in the pub, he isnt.
Presumably you also have the option to go on holiday whenever you want?

So, apart from the EIGHT assumptions you've made ... you're not making any assumptions?

I have asked OP numerous questions so that I can understand the whole picture.
And you are not listening to her anyway, so why bother?
OP is posting because her home life has become unsustainable to her. Yet here you are, making your assumptions, & blithely telling her "it's not that bad".

PP who are capable of reading subtext & pattern-spotting all the usual indicators of severe DA; PP who have direct experience of CC, DA, gaslighting & DARVO tactics; PP who are experienced DA counsellors, are well able to recognise the effects of long-term abuse on an OP.
If, instead of learning about the insidious nature of DA & how it ramps up over years, you prefer to zone in on solitary incidents & tell the OP that you understand what happened better than she does herself, you're never going to understand it.

Yes, you probably are an angry and resentful person. Who wouldn’t be in your position? What your OH doesn’t seem to get us that it is his behaviour that is causing this.
Ask him… what do you bring to this family?

@JadeM90 - name the chores OP had not listed: 1) house/car insurance, bills admin 2) diy 3) playing with kids and teaching them (eg potty training) in non-morning time 4) cleaning house 5) helping elderly parents.

if he was exemplary at 1-4 - I would probably say not enough to make up for chronic sleep deprivation and the other stuff OP does.
he should not be doing sport 3 times per week but putting the kids to bed so that OP can get to sleep early so she is not so tired.

If he does 5 a lot, then maybe balance would more even - but doesn’t help with OP being so exhausted.

@KettrickenSmiled
They arent assumptions, they're questions to find the truth. I'm not making in factual statements am I. I understand all of what you are referring to, however the knowledge is very limited to be able to even make any solid opinion yet here we are with probably 200+

I was a resentful angry person in this situation. A person a no longer recognised by the end when he purposely walked by my new home with OW when I’d been up with an 18 month old teething I kicked him in the angle. I’m far from violent. I beat myself up if I think I’ve said a wrong word to upset anyone but when you’re purposely antagonised by an abusive person sometimes you do lose your shit. I think that’s the point you start to reclaim your power. Fuck the hole in the wall OP! I wanted to put a whole in my ex’s face by the end of it.

@Namenic You make good points! What if he is doing this stuff, as well as playing sport 3 times a week? His struggle could be exhaustion also? If so, The balance is clearly off, have these 'jobs' been split by default so OP feels it's very one sided?

But the truth is we dont know unless @Nickoin can confirm. Does he do anything?

Op, do not feel bad about the wall. My ex husband was just like yours, except with alcohol abuse and cheating thrown in for good measure. The mental torture that man inflicted on me absolutely tormented me and took me right to the edge of my sanity. Reactive abuse is a very real thing.

Please take care of yourself.

Also, I absolutely hate it when he swears, I feel he does it all the more to wind me up, I honestly think sweating around children is disgusting.

You also referenced being unable to shout in front of the children.
He weaponises this. Look at how he deliberately wound you up today, knowing that you feel unable to retaliate verbally. However, he has no compunction about sneering at you in front of the kids. Even his "why, are you incapable?" refusal to change the baby's nappy was couched in aggressive, goading terms. He knows how he can push you beyond the limit.

Pay no attention to the abuse apologists, victim blamers & dick-panderers on your thread OP. Listen to the PP who told you that if anything - you are not angry enough.

How fucking DARE he treat you like this? His family like this?
I don't mean that you should let him know about your anger (he will weaponise that against you too). I mean you should put it to good use, channel it.

Can you talk openly with your mum?

he goes on holiday whenever he wants etc.

So, he is behaving like a single man with a housekeeper with children?

Stuff that.