Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH says I’m an angry person

261 replies

Nickoin · 10/12/2022 06:17

So, every morning I wake up with the kids as he apparently cannot get up. He was our last night and DS (2) was up and down as he isn’t very well, I have been up since 4:30 whilst he sleeps as he didn’t get in until 1:30. He will probably be our all night tonight too as England is on, he says I am jealous because I am not him. If I just lay in bed too who will give the kids their breakfast etc? I feel like I am the one who does everything but maybe I am not, I don’t know, maybe I just don’t like him anymore?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nickoin · 10/12/2022 16:08

He didn’t need to go our for pizza last night knowing our son wasn’t well and I would be up, knowing he would be our again tonight. I don’t have a problem with him going put at all, in the past few years he has been on numerous trips abroad/within the UK and I haven’t moaned, he goes out with his friends which I fully support, I meet up with the girls every couple of months too. I asked him to empty the dishwasher when he came down this morning and he said does that really need doing at 7:30am on a Saturday.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 10/12/2022 16:14

Does he get up with the kids if you've been out?

I don't think two parents need to stay home with a poorly child but he should have got up with the kids if you'd been up all night with them.

Couldyounot · 10/12/2022 16:22

YABU for one thing only, and that is staying with this useless oaf. Don't give him a month. Give him until Monday and then (because nothing will have changed) chuck him out.

Real men get up and see to their kids. Overgrown teenagers with their hands in their pants don't.

Original poster
Nickoin · 10/12/2022 16:41

No I get up regardless of who goes out,

why the hell did he say he wasn’t coming home tonight? I couldn’t just not come put as I have children!

OP posts:
DarceyG · 10/12/2022 16:42

Nickoin · 10/12/2022 16:05

I told him I posted on here and he said if he came on here and did a post people would back him. No he doesn’t go put every weekend but I get up every morning with the kids first thing, they don’t even ask him (he said he has got up before) he really hasn’t.

when you were fed up did your DH twist it too?

Look up the word gaslighting. My ex tried to convince me he’d painted our daughters room when I did it. He cut in around the top where I couldn’t reach. He used used to twist everything, make out I was lazy when I did everything. It’s psychological abuse it really is and it does a number on your mental health. I was a mess by the time I got out.

Original poster
Nickoin · 10/12/2022 17:38

I literally hate the way he makes me feel, everybody thinks he is such a chilled, nice guy. My mum has picked up how lazy he is.

OP posts:
Rockingcloggs · 10/12/2022 17:43

Nickoin · 10/12/2022 17:38

I literally hate the way he makes me feel, everybody thinks he is such a chilled, nice guy. My mum has picked up how lazy he is.

Then go. He's offering you nothing. Nothing at all. What was the last thing he did for you that made you feel relevant and wanted and needed by him? When was it?

PeaceJoySleep · 10/12/2022 17:53

@Nickoin you don't need to present your 'take' to a jury and hope that they come in on your side.

As my therapist said to me a few years ago, you need to stand in your own corner and be certain that you believe you. You support you. You are certain that your interpretation of events is correct and it doesn't need to be discussed. It's true whether others listen, shut you down, roll their eyes, minimise it, mock you, call you dramatic or call you a ilar. Remain very certain of your own interpretation of events.

Because then you can assess what the best thing to do next is. If you don't trust your own interpretation of events then you can't decide what the best thing to do next is!

PeaceJoySleep · 10/12/2022 17:58

ps, that was to heal a wound of betrayal though, and the denial in the present day.

What you are doing ''wrong'' is to discuss your assessment with your husband. That way he can tell you you're angry or uptight or fussing about the wrong things.

I'd change the style of the discussion. ''are you going to meet me half way with the childcare or not?''

''Are the sacrifices of parenting going to be equalised?'' Are you going to lie in bed while I get up early? Are you able to relax in bed knowing I'm doing all the childcare? ''What do you see happening here?''. ''Do you see this working?''
''Do you think I can love you while you relax watching me do 95%?''

Question him rather than defending why you feel put upon.

DarceyG · 10/12/2022 19:40

Nickoin · 10/12/2022 17:38

I literally hate the way he makes me feel, everybody thinks he is such a chilled, nice guy. My mum has picked up how lazy he is.

My parents actually thought he was injured party when we split because they know what I am like apparently. They finally see what what he is really like after 7 years of him being an arsehole coparenting. Oh yeah he would charm the birds out of trees. In reality is was a total bastard and still is.

DarceyG · 10/12/2022 19:45

Nickoin · 10/12/2022 17:38

I literally hate the way he makes me feel, everybody thinks he is such a chilled, nice guy. My mum has picked up how lazy he is.

Unfortunately I think you’re married to a narcissistic man. It’s horrible they’re the most selfish people on the planet but you can get out of it build a life without a soul sucking selfish prick. I’d definitely do it. The liner you stay the more your self esteem gets smashed to pieces. This isn’t a man this is an emotionally stunted child in a man’s body

ImprobablePuffin · 10/12/2022 20:14

"I literally hate the way he makes me feel, everybody thinks he is such a chilled, nice guy. My mum has picked up how lazy he is."

You also say "I probably won't leave"

Why are you punishing yourself like this?
Why are you allowing your children to be taught that this is acceptable

Original poster
Nickoin · 10/12/2022 20:50

They love him and I don’t want to be responsible for breaking us up although I know it is his fault, they won’t remember and it will just be my word against his.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nickoin · 10/12/2022 20:50

My eldest is only 5.

OP posts:
ImprobablePuffin · 10/12/2022 21:08

Nickoin · 10/12/2022 20:50

They love him and I don’t want to be responsible for breaking us up although I know it is his fault, they won’t remember and it will just be my word against his.

Well you've said it yourself, it's not your fault, it's his isn't it. And you can't control someone else's actions only your own.

What would you tell your daughter to do if she was in this situation? To stay miserable because the kids tolerate the situation?

Original poster
Nickoin · 10/12/2022 21:12

What if I do it and regret it?

OP posts:
Rockingcloggs · 10/12/2022 22:07

Nickoin · 10/12/2022 21:12

What if I do it and regret it?

And what if you don't?

ImprobablePuffin · 10/12/2022 22:45

Nickoin · 10/12/2022 21:12

What if I do it and regret it?

Why would you regret a chance at happiness?
Why would you regret not being treated like dirt?
Why would you regret giving your children the best possible chance at having healthy relationships in the future?

If you stay your regrets will be endless, you stayed in this miserable existence with someone who doesn't respect you or value you. Your daughter will likely grow up thinking this is what relationships should look like. Your son will grow up thinking this is how you treat women.

pinkfondu · 10/12/2022 22:49

Nickoin · 10/12/2022 21:12

What if I do it and regret it?

What will you miss?

Original poster
Nickoin · 11/12/2022 04:40

He has just walked in now, my son just woke up with a temp, I asked him to change a nappy and he said why are you inadequate? Not like he was capable anyway 🙄

OP posts:
Alondra · 11/12/2022 06:19

Nickoin · 10/12/2022 06:25

i do wonder if it is me? He is a very chilled out person and I am the opposite. I don’t think it’s fair that I am up every morning with the kids because he apparently ‘can’t’. He says what do you want me to do get up and go down stairs and do nothing? Well no? There is loads to be doing we can’t let the kids just see to themselves!

I would also be very chilled if I could stay in bed until 1.30 pm and go to the pub and have fun, despite having small children.

You don't have a partner, you have a housemate doing what he wants and ripping the benefits of a home life.

Stag82 · 11/12/2022 06:25

Are you angry or do you just have a shit partner?
i guarntee you, you’ll be less ‘angry’ if you are on your own!

Original poster
Nickoin · 11/12/2022 06:42

I’m really angry this morning but that’s probably because I’m absolutely nackered.

OP posts:
catflycat · 11/12/2022 07:03

OP this isn't normal please make a plan to leave. Family life is a partnership where everyone takes turns having a rest or getting up at 4am. It's exhausting when they're little and it's normal to be overtired and argue, but there's no way I could have got through that stage without a supportive partner, who takes turns having a lie in, picks up ALL the house chores when I've committed to too much at work, who thanks me for a lie in even though he works hard all week and really isn't a morning person, and it's a small thing I can do for him. But he'll be up first today as it's my only day off. Neither of us are perfect, but we're in it together and we take turns giving each other a bit of slack. You'd honestly be better off alone with one less person to look after and resent.

Original poster
Nickoin · 11/12/2022 07:20

Omg I just elbowed the wall and now it has a hole in it, I feel as though this my final straw and I can’t take it anymore. I feel like the worst person ever now I can’t even believe I did that.

OP posts: