DH says I’m an angry person

[Nickoin]

So, every morning I wake up with the kids as he apparently cannot get up. He was our last night and DS (2) was up and down as he isn’t very well, I have been up since 4:30 whilst he sleeps as he didn’t get in until 1:30. He will probably be our all night tonight too as England is on, he says I am jealous because I am not him. If I just lay in bed too who will give the kids their breakfast etc? I feel like I am the one who does everything but maybe I am not, I don’t know, maybe I just don’t like him anymore?

Reach the point where what the lazy pointless sperm donor thinks or feels is irrelevant.
Strategise a plan to exit with the best outcome for you.
Ideally he's capable of babysitting two weekends a month, but I wouldn't count on it.
Hopefully he's PAYE so he can't wiggle out of paying child support.
Good luck.

Does he realise that "showing affection" includes things like helping your partner, including by looking after your own children? Point out that you have shown massive affection by letting him stay in bed whilst you have been up with his children since 5.30, ask him what exactly he has done for you today that is comparable.

Would love to see that for OP!! I wonder how he would react, what he would say? He sounds like such an entitled pleb.

I hear so many women moaning about how little their partner does parenting wise. Thing is it starts with you allowing it. Just no.

@Nickoin

"Are they really noticing or are they just picking up on me asking for help? If I didn’t do that would they know the difference?
I’ve just answered my own question as yes they won’t know the difference but I am advocating that this is how it is, I would hate for my daughter to feel like this."

That's because they're small. Trust me, they'll notice before too long and you've said you're unlikely to leave so you'll continue ti raise kids in a disrespectful household, where they learn that men treat women like shit, don't pull their weight and deem themselves too important and superior for 'women's work'.

Why didn't you get him to unload the dishwasher or make the packed lunches when he got up (briefly) this morning?

Why isn't he going to see Santa with you and the kids?

(because you keep doing it).

Maybe give him actual tasks if he can't see what needs doing. Or tomorrow, dump them on the bed with him and say "over to you" I'm going out for a couple of hours.

You're enabling him.

"Reach the point where what the lazy pointless sperm donor thinks or feels is irrelevant.

Strategise a plan to exit with the best outcome for you."

I agree but sadly, she's already said that she's unlikely to leave.

I just don’t understand how/why you’re letting him get away with this. It’s annoying to read.

When he came down stairs, why didn’t you tell him to unload the dishwasher. Make the packed lunches or fold the washing or whatever. There’s no way I would have allowed my DH back up to bed. You are far too accepting of it OP.

He wants to meet me if he thinks you’re an angry person. I wouldn’t give him the lickings of a dog!

@Nickoin wake him up, tell him the kids need entertaining and feeding and go out. Just anywhere. Tell him parenting is not the job of one of you. Go sit anywhere - Costa, library, anything, but leave him to it. I’m a footy fan but I’d be tempted to disappear all day and evening as well! He is a CF, you are not the problem here and even if you are angry, you have every right! I’m angry on your behalf!

Just go out and leave it to him to work out what needs to be done. It’s completely unacceptable that he thinks you exist purely to service him and care for his children. As PPs have pointed out this sets a dreadful example to your children.

I wouldn’t bother with an ultimatum either. He knows he is taking the piss. Just get rid.

It sounds like he doesn’t really want to be / care about being a parent and isn’t willing to be less selfish in order to be a good partner and dad. He’s going out enjoying himself as if he doesn’t have any responsibilities to get him up early, and it’s not occurred to him to give you help, prepare any breakfast or help with his sick son. In short, he’s selfish and lazy. Then, he calls you jealous when you point out the unfairness and pretends (by looking quickly around) that he’s come to help but it wasn’t needed and so he has the excuse to disappear yet again.

Even the children have noticed. That’s shameful. Do his family and friends know what a shit parent he is? Would he be embarrassed if you told them?

It’s time to stop this, OP. His treatment of you and the children is really terrible. You’re doing well to cope with all this by yourself but he needs an absolute rocket up the arse.

YABU for having such a low bar you put up with this shit

honestly, reading these posts makes me so determined to make sure my DDs never end up like some of you.

To be honest it doesn’t sound like you’re angry enough. Why would you put up with this and why would you think it’s ok for your husband to ignore his children? Why should they put up with an absent parent who is just a drain on the family?

My ex was the same. Lazy selfish twat it was easier with out him. Now he has a wife and another child and our daughter said dad never helps in the house his wife has to do everything. Yes he is out with his friends all the time at 40 years old. Get rid of this useless sack of shit it won’t change

Was he like this before you had kids? If so, YABU. If not, YANBU.

Poor you, you sound well and truly fed up.

There is a well known pattern to some marriages that happens all too often.

Husband is lazy/selfish and doesn’t do his share of helping out ref home and kids, which leads to anger and resentment of wife. Wife doesn’t feel any sexual attraction to husband (see anger/resentment), no sex leads to husband feeling neglected/rejected. He thinks if we had sex more often I’d want to do more. She thinks the opposite. They both harbour resentment, and finally she leaves the marriage, or he seeks sex elsewhere (because he’s worth it!) and she leaves the marriage. There is always the possibility that if they had sex more often, he would still think he can get away with his shitty ways but NAMALT.

So the advice would be to try and make things change (before you leave). Please look at this like a work problem that needs a specific outcome. Objectives which must be achieved before it can be classed as a failure.

Some kind of solo/couples therapy? In the meantime start writing everything down. So you can say the exact number of nights out, and what time you and him, got up. Perhaps don’t do the other stuff that needs doing in the morning, so as soon as he appears you can be seen to be busy, and give him a list of jobs that need doing. Play clever. Read as much online/books as you can.

I am now divorcing my husband (he didn’t see it coming)after a very long marriage. His laziness in helping out around is just one of many problems I never managed to to get him to realise.

"Yes I am an angry person because I'm married to a selfish lazy sexist son who constantly treats himself to leisure time and relaxation while I do all the housework childcare and mental load. You would be angry too in my position. Wanna swap and see if I'm right? "

And

"Yes I am jealous of you being you because you hog all the leisure and relaxation time and I get none. Wanna swap and you can be jealous if me for a change. "

"No I don't want to be affectionate to you because I no longer feel affection to someone who treats me like the family skivvy. All I feel is burning resentment."

He either won't change or you'll have to give him one hell of a shock like filing fire divorce. The reason he won't change is that he's happy with his life as it is and he doesn't care about you enough to make the division of labour fair unless you force his hand.

I’d be chilled too if I got to please myself.

I've voted YABU for putting up with it.

You sound like my SIL, an utter doormat and my BIL does fuck all.

My late DDad would have been 90 this year but he was doing more than his fair share with my Dsis's and I because my DMum knew her worth and taught us girls to know our worth too.

I only mention DP's because this was back in the day when what you are allowing to happen was pretty much the norm and my DDad was a rareity amongst our social/family circle.

Reading some of the posts on here I cannot believe we are in 2022.

It's beyond depressing.

What an absolute waster of a husband and father.

Your children know it too.

He just said he doesn’t know why he bothered coming home last night and he isn’t coming home tonight that’s for sure. I’m working at 7:30 at am so he better had! Wtf

Well duh you’re an angry person if you live with a waste of space like that. ‘Why aren’t you more affectionate?’ Well dear, your complete refusal to support with parenting and housework has killed all my affection for you stone fucking dead.

OP
Why do you think so little of yourself that you settle for this?
Why do you think your children deserve so little that you stay with someone who can't be bothered them?
Why stay with someone who can't be bothered with you?

On a separate note, do not do any of the Xmas present buying for his family if you normally do. Do nothing for him.

Do yourself the biggest favour and divorce his sorry arse. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your children because they really don't deserve to share a house with this piece of shit.

Earlier you said you were going to give him a month, (to do what?), and then you said you probably won't leave him.

You know this is not sustainable. So, what is your plan?

How old are your children? Do you work? What's your financial situation?

Nothing is going to change unless you change what you do. But you need to research your options and work out how you can achieve the best possible outcome.

Honestly you will end up hating this man. I was filled with resentment. Then when we split he moved someone into our home 3 months later. Selfish is selfish and people like this only ever look out for number 1. It’s hard to make the change to get out but do get out. He’s will teach your children this is ok and it’s not ok. I’m actually in the process of getting myself rid of another loser. Much easier as I don’t live with him or have ties. Know your worth!!!

I told him I posted on here and he said if he came on here and did a post people would back him. No he doesn’t go put every weekend but I get up every morning with the kids first thing, they don’t even ask him (he said he has got up before) he really hasn’t.

when you were fed up did your DH twist it too?