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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH says I’m an angry person

261 replies

Nickoin · 10/12/2022 06:17

So, every morning I wake up with the kids as he apparently cannot get up. He was our last night and DS (2) was up and down as he isn’t very well, I have been up since 4:30 whilst he sleeps as he didn’t get in until 1:30. He will probably be our all night tonight too as England is on, he says I am jealous because I am not him. If I just lay in bed too who will give the kids their breakfast etc? I feel like I am the one who does everything but maybe I am not, I don’t know, maybe I just don’t like him anymore?

OP posts:
blebbleb · 10/12/2022 07:21

You have every right to be angry. No wonder he's chilled out. He's lazy and not pulling his weight.

autienotnaughty · 10/12/2022 07:21

Leave it this weekend (not because it's acceptable just because it will be a row) one evening next week or next weekend arrange to sit and talk, tell him how you feel and what you expect from him as a husband and father. See the answer you get and see if he steps up. Currently it's not worth him being there he's just another person to clean up after. He can't expect to go out all time and leave you and kids to it. It's not fair.

girlmom21 · 10/12/2022 07:26

Ok, he is a lazy, useless lump, but what's your actual issue with it?

Is it the nights out, the lie ins, the lack of presence or the lack of effort?

I'd try and work that out and have a proper conversation. He's never going to step up without it being spelt out to him.

Doingmybest12 · 10/12/2022 07:27

You need to have a proper discussion with him about how your family will work best.i wouldn't expect us both to be up at 4.30 or even 6.30 as that seems pointless if children are occupied. I would expect to agree a lie in each at the weekend and a fair split of jobs and could care. If he has no redeeming features and you can't agree a sensible workable solution then I would think about what example he is setting to the children. From experience lots of men don't think they should do the boring bits of just being around and supervising. But hopefully they bring something else positive to the mix to make it a positive relationship over all.

Solidarityisbetterthanchsrity · 10/12/2022 07:34

You need to be shrewd. Think about what he can actually do - go to the supermarket for instance - and ask him to do it. Don't worry about whether he gets it all wrong - he's enough of a dick to do that on purpose so you don't ask him again. But do ask him again, and again. Don't ask him to do vague things like 'mind the children' or he'll pull a fast one on you. Ask him to make the kids eggs for breakfast. Then leave the house. Every time. It'll be difficult but anger is energising and it might give you energy to figure out what you want to do next.

cptartapp · 10/12/2022 07:50

Well you can tell him you're going 'to be him' half of every week now the marriage is over and you're splitting 24/7 care of the DC.
Put the wind up him.

PeaceJoySleep · 10/12/2022 08:01

I'd be angry too.
Anger is not automatically bad.
It's a useful signal alerting you to the fact that this is intolerable.
When he says "you're angry" there's no need to defend yourself. Being angry is the normal reaction here.

Bestcatmum · 10/12/2022 08:10

I was an angry person too until exH left and now I'm as happy and light hearted as the next person. It was down to him being completely useless and me having to do all of the work while he did whatever he wanted.

PeaceJoySleep · 10/12/2022 08:13

Yeh, I did everything as a single parent but without the resentment.

LittleBearPad · 10/12/2022 08:23

RedHelenB · 10/12/2022 07:21

Not necessarily. A lot of divorced fathers don't see their children.

Show quote history

As opposed to the splendid parenting he’s doing now?

OP’s life would still be better without the constant feeling of being let down

YukoandHiro · 10/12/2022 08:27

Go away for a long weekend. Once he has to do everything for himself he will either realise what you're doing and shape up, or he won't change - in which case you need to leave because he fully understands what he's doing and genuinely doesn't care

BellePeppa · 10/12/2022 08:35

I really hate it when a man is a selfish jerk then complains he’s not being shown enough affection! My ex was like this and I think how stupid they are to not realise that affection from a woman comes from feeling loved and valued. I can’t be doing with men like your husband and the countless other useless ones on MN. I’m so glad I made the choice to never have another man in my life (other than my sons).

Do yourself a favour and get rid.

pinkfondu · 10/12/2022 08:37

Nickoin · 10/12/2022 07:10

@hashbrownsandwich probably not no

You deserve so much more. The kids are noticing and you are teaching them how things should be

Original poster
Nickoin · 10/12/2022 08:40

Are they really noticing or are they just picking up on me asking for help? If I didn’t do that would they know the difference?

I’ve just answered my own question as yes they won’t know the difference but I am advocating that this is how it is, I would hate for my daughter to feel like this.

OP posts:
jamira · 10/12/2022 08:40

Agree a rota for weekend - one lie in each.

Whatisthegoss · 10/12/2022 08:42

Oh the jealous comment say's it all.
Yuck!
Parenting is better with a non selfish father.
Get up and leave him to it next weekend.

EezyOozy · 10/12/2022 08:43

He’s a cunt. He can get up he just won’t. He’s not “chilled”, he’s lazy and selfish.

You haven’t don’t anything wrong. Don’t waste any more time with this prick.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 10/12/2022 08:43

God, get rid of him!

OoooohMatron · 10/12/2022 08:43

Nickoin · 10/12/2022 06:25

i do wonder if it is me? He is a very chilled out person and I am the opposite. I don’t think it’s fair that I am up every morning with the kids because he apparently ‘can’t’. He says what do you want me to do get up and go down stairs and do nothing? Well no? There is loads to be doing we can’t let the kids just see to themselves!

Of course he's chilled! He gets to go out with his mates and lie in while you do all the crap bits!

HappyintheHills · 10/12/2022 08:45

If you don’t leave him then your children will learn that this a reasonable way for one adult to treat another.
When he came downstairs did you ask him to empty dishwasher or make lunches? Those are reasonable asks.
You said you would give it a month - then what?

Bearsinmotion · 10/12/2022 08:45

I had a DP like this. He never has the kids for more than a couple of hours at a time. Still easier than having him snoozing in bed because he “couldn’t” get up with the kids. I remember one day he was supposed to be up with them to give me a lie in, then I left with DS around 10 to take DD to a party. She was about 3 and kept pestering me for lunch, even though it was only 10:30. Turned out he had fallen asleep on the sofa and not given them any breakfast.

So much better off without him.

HappyintheHills · 10/12/2022 08:47

You are ensuring your DD will feel like you do - she’s learning from you that it will be her job to make sure everything gets done.

StephanieSuperpowers · 10/12/2022 08:50

I don't think he's chilled out. He sounds manipulative and controlling to me, with you doing everything to make family life work around him. He then makes you look like you're wound up and uptight o make you feel guilty that you're daring to be angry with someone do chill.

My dad was like that so it may be projection on my part, but my mother took everything on and then worried that we kids thought she was angry and irritable all the time. We didn't. She wasn't. She was lovely to us and we knew who we depended on for everything. But she was getting the constant message that she ruined everything by being angry with his childish inability to look outside himself and do anything that needed to be done.

BellePeppa · 10/12/2022 08:53

Nickoin · 10/12/2022 08:40

Are they really noticing or are they just picking up on me asking for help? If I didn’t do that would they know the difference?

I’ve just answered my own question as yes they won’t know the difference but I am advocating that this is how it is, I would hate for my daughter to feel like this.

Alternatively, she will look at you and think I don’t want to be like my mum, and she’ll look at her dad and think No way would I want a man like him. If you’re ok with your daughter looking at the pair of you as the role models of what NOT to be then carry on.

Tothemoonandbackx · 10/12/2022 08:53

I'd definitely go out without him today to to see Santa, why should he get to see the joy on your kids faces when he's done zero to help you with them or around the house. Don't let him be the Disney dad!!!!