Really just feel stitched up being a female - the kids are ultimately my problem

[snowballon]

I don't know why I'm writing. I guess I just feel so alone and there is nothing I can do to change my situation right now.

I'm burning out. I am really just done with it all.

My kids ( 7 months and 3 ) have been sick on and off and out of childcare for almost a month now. My husband has one day off a week and even then, he makes himself busy with house tasks ( which do need to be done to be fair ). He comes home at 8:45-9 pm every day and leaves at 6 am. It's just about bearable when I can send the older one to nursery and the younger one goes to a child minder occasionally so I can go to the gym. I obviously do all night wakings, as my husband's schedule is too full on. Even when he's home though, I try to spare him a bit. He just looks si fed up when holding the baby or playing with the toddler. He needs a break too etc. I get my break apparently, because I can go to the gym. Obviously not lately.

I have not been able to do any of my usual stuff for almost a month. I have just been sat her looking after two sick kids, day and night, basically. Begging for someone to come and help me / visit me. My in laws live close by. My family do not. My in laws come sometimes, but I really need them to come a bit more. Not to help really. I just need some adult company.

I saw MIL and had a crying fit. She didn't seem to sympathetic about it. I'm embarrassed, but it's getting to the point that I can't control when I cry. It happened to me a few months ago, where I would just cry in public and be unable to stop. It's really embarrassing. It's now happened in front of her. She just said to stop crying and to be strong.

I just can't take it anymore. How do people cope ? Why can't I cope ? I just feel like no one understands how hard this is, like, mums just do this ? Now of course, I also feel poorly myself. Both kids constantly need me and screaming for me. I just feel like I've been stitched up. It's always my problem. They're ultimately my responsibility. I would rather go to work. I'm on Mat leave. But I know when I go back, it's still my problem to run the household and look after them, because my husband makes more than me.

I love my babies, but it's killing me. There's no thanks for this, apart from their love. Husband comes home grumpy because sometimes it's a mess and there's no food. I'm at my end.

same boat here. My almost 3yo usually at CM 3 days a week but barely been for the last 2 or 3 weeks. also 5mo at home. haven't really got any solution just solidarity.

I absolutely hear you and empathise. I’m a few years on from you but still have days and weeks and months like these. My children were those ages more or less during lock down. It was a hard slog. Once the illnesses pass and they’re back in their occasional childcare and you can get your routines back you’ll start to feel better. Then the spring will come and the days will get longer. The baby will start to sleep better. It’ll gradually get easier. But yes, sometimes you just want to run away and can’t because you’re right, you made them and they are your responsibility. Some women do run away. Many men do. But you’re still there slogging it out day in day out. Be proud of yourself for that. And keep going, they need you to x

Sorry to hear you have the same issue at the moment.

Are you feeling OK ? I've now caught whatever they have. My throat is brining, I cannot swallow at all.

@Sacmagique75 I would never leave my babies. I just wish I had more help

You shouldn't be feeling like the dc are only your problem.

Can you go back to work?

If you use a childminder for the gym can you use them a bit longer & just have some time by yourself not doing anything?

Why is your husband out from 06:00-21:00 SIX days a week?
How do you a full day of “house jobs” once a week for him?

If you tell you can’t make ends meet otherwise and you’re renovating a house for need not want, then I’m going to feel very sorry for him and you.

I’m going to take a punt that he doesn’t actually need to be working or busy constantly.

To a certain extent - it’s just the age combination and you mostly just grit your teeth and get through it. But with your crying and loneliness I’d suggest HV or GP.

"But I know when I go back, it's still my problem to run the household and look after them, because my husband makes more than me."

Your husband sounds so selfish. Mine bent over backwards to be home for bedtime every night, and he did night wakings part of the time. It's a complete fiction that earning more means you get to treat your partner like shit and dump on them. He should be treating you with a lot more respect and compassion.

Ohh I teared up reading this 💔💔

You have a shi* DP and a MIL who is excusing his bad behaviour. Have you had a very frank conversation with your DP about how you are feeling and what you need help with?

Can you pop the kids in the car and spend a few days with your family with your DM just to get a break and some adult company?

Also worth a trip to the dr for PND it just sounds like you need help and the person who should be helping is useless

“It's always my problem. They're ultimately my responsibility. I would rather go to work. I'm on Mat leave. But I know when I go back, it's still my problem to run the household and look after them, because my husband makes more than me”

Start training yourself out of that way of thinking! It’s not about earnings, it’s about available time. I earn 4x my husband in a much more stressful job. I do the same amount of house stuff, because I have the same amount of time. And I’m not an arsehole.

I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you upset too !

Ah you know, I cry and talk to my husband until I'm blue in the face, nothing changes. My MIL and I don't have the best relationship either.

I would love to go and see my family, but they're also busy at the moment, so won't have time for me. It will just stress everyone out if I go there now.

I've been to the GP before for my issues and I just don't find it helpful at all. CBT really didn't help me at all. I had to stop in fact, because it made me feel worse. Then I tried to make myself a little routine and I was doing quite well with that. Doing a lot of exercise and meeting new people etc. but that's now gone as I'm just stuck indoors.

It's absolutely awful when everyone is ill! I do sympathise so much even though I went through it a long time ago, I remember some of those days trapped in the house with perpetually coughing children to be real low points .

But ... it will improve, they will get better, you will survive.

Your husband's job sounds way too full on though. Can you buy in a mother's help - literally someone who comes in and takes on some of the burden a few times a week? If you can't afford it with your husband working the hours he does then he needs a change of career surely?

Another one in solidarity with no solution other than you need to talk to your husband which I assume you already do/have done.

my take on it is Mon-Fri 9-5/8-6 even childcare is in you for the most part whilst your on Mat leave, unless you are ill yourself, or both kids are VERY unwell. Just out of practicality if nothing else. But outside those hours you should be 50/50 with your husband. You should be a team and both get down time.

I say this on the back of a week of my 3 year old and my ebf 3m old having chest infections, my husband working crazy NHS hours, and also crying to my mother in law which is very unlike me. DH finished early today to give me a break. Bloody 3m just had a mega nap and he watched the simpsons ehilst I did some chores, apparently he gets an afternoon to himself tomorrow to be “fair”. Not bloody likely!

solidarity sister! It’s hard!

God get back to work. I went back at four and five months pt each time and DC went to nursery. It absolutely saved me. 20 years on no regrets.
You can't expect your IL to come more. Young DC are hard work and often boring, even for GP. Not their responsibility.
These are the hardest years. We had zero help despite family 15 minutes away, so paid for it. Best money ever spent.

Those hours are insane. Why’s he working so much? Is he self employed? Has he always worked so much?

Most people just about cope because they get more support from their partner. My husband earns double what I earn and he still came home as soon as he could to do bath, bed, and we got a cleaner, and we share house chores. And even then it was a struggle for both of us. My parents were really supportive practically as well.

Your husband works crazy hours which doesnt seem sustainable, is this through necessity or choice? I know he is working long hours and will be tired, but if you're waking up multiple times a night then you could be more tired in which case he needs to do night feeds.

I assume he was working 4 days for childcare reasons but is there any chance he could work 4 shorter days while you're on mat leave?

Your mil sounds very unsupportive. Do you have any friends in a similar position? Even online? Could you join mush or something?

You're doing really well. My kids are early primary and have been ill for the last month and only had a few days off school...but its been so stressful and depressing that after a few weeks I felt like I couldn't take any more, even though I recognise I've had it relatively easy. So it's no wonder you feel awful.

Speak to your husband and see if there is a way you can figure things out together. What can you do differently? What can you let slide? Eg clean beds less frequently. Can you buy in any more help?

And please get out of the mindset that he earns more so you need to do more in the house. If he works more hours then that's fair but I dont think you can compare time on chores with his salary...can you imagine winning some money on a scratch card and telling him that because you're contributing more financially you're not doing any more cleaning or cooking?

Those hours are insane. Why’s he working so much? I

He's not working those houses but out of the house. Does he have a long commute?

Totally empathise OP. This was my first week back to work after 3 weeks off. My Dc were ill (younger one in and out of hospital) and then I went down. It always falls to the women to sort family shit out. I'm fed up of it. I'm so behind with work, it's giving me palpitations.

or is he doing compressed hours?

Self employed.

I think it does. Sorry to say, in most cases it does. It's always our problem. I also let his moods get to me. So say on his day off ( I always let him sleep in ). He then comes down and has coffee etc, takes his time. If I then ask him to do something, he always needs to shower and get dressed etc. I feel bad to tell him that I'm having a shower and getting changed and leave him with the kids, because by the time I get back- he'll look annoyed and can't wait to pass the baby back for example. Because his job is so intense etc.

Did you think having kids would be easy. Everybody feels like this when their kids are young. It's bloody hard work you are not alone. You are the mum of course it falls to you mostly it get easier as they get older.

I really didn't realise how hard it would be.

It's really hard!

Can you move closer to your family if they’ll be more hands on and supportive?

your husband sounds like a dick.

It’s incredibly hard being a parent of you're married to a dick who won’t share any parenting. And resent it when left to parent their own children.