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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Really just feel stitched up being a female - the kids are ultimately my problem

157 replies

snowballon · 09/12/2022 17:11

I don't know why I'm writing. I guess I just feel so alone and there is nothing I can do to change my situation right now.

I'm burning out. I am really just done with it all.

My kids ( 7 months and 3 ) have been sick on and off and out of childcare for almost a month now. My husband has one day off a week and even then, he makes himself busy with house tasks ( which do need to be done to be fair ). He comes home at 8:45-9 pm every day and leaves at 6 am. It's just about bearable when I can send the older one to nursery and the younger one goes to a child minder occasionally so I can go to the gym. I obviously do all night wakings, as my husband's schedule is too full on. Even when he's home though, I try to spare him a bit. He just looks si fed up when holding the baby or playing with the toddler. He needs a break too etc. I get my break apparently, because I can go to the gym. Obviously not lately.

I have not been able to do any of my usual stuff for almost a month. I have just been sat her looking after two sick kids, day and night, basically. Begging for someone to come and help me / visit me. My in laws live close by. My family do not. My in laws come sometimes, but I really need them to come a bit more. Not to help really. I just need some adult company.

I saw MIL and had a crying fit. She didn't seem to sympathetic about it. I'm embarrassed, but it's getting to the point that I can't control when I cry. It happened to me a few months ago, where I would just cry in public and be unable to stop. It's really embarrassing. It's now happened in front of her. She just said to stop crying and to be strong.

I just can't take it anymore. How do people cope ? Why can't I cope ? I just feel like no one understands how hard this is, like, mums just do this ? Now of course, I also feel poorly myself. Both kids constantly need me and screaming for me. I just feel like I've been stitched up. It's always my problem. They're ultimately my responsibility. I would rather go to work. I'm on Mat leave. But I know when I go back, it's still my problem to run the household and look after them, because my husband makes more than me.

I love my babies, but it's killing me. There's no thanks for this, apart from their love. Husband comes home grumpy because sometimes it's a mess and there's no food. I'm at my end.

OP posts:
longcoffeebreak · 09/12/2022 20:37

Wifework amzn.eu/d/3Vu8NxA

DucklingDaisy · 09/12/2022 20:40

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/12/2022 20:28

You read my mind.

My ex was a huge one for Jobs Around the House. They were always:

  • optional/non essential (like fitting a pointless shower unit attachment or some piece of discretionary electronics like an improved router)
  • Involved a trip in the car to buy parts, usually with a detour via the pub
  • Required him to take over an entire room for hours on end
  • Excused him from any childcare responsibilities or mundane but essential tasks such as washing up or tidying
  • Invariably resulted in him chiding me for failing to do enough housework

I divorced him. Obvs

Show quote history

I love a few hours to get some real organising done, or to do the kinds of jobs that simply don't get done otherwise. I've made a real point of trying to claim blocks of time. Last weekend my husband took the kids to his mother's and I did all the 'deep' cleaning jobs I'm normally too exhausted for after the essentials. The weekend before, I look them out myself and he had a good go at sorting the loft. There's a decent balance.

Just claim the time. Say in advance, "right I'm going to do [x] this weekend so you'll need to take the kids out". I used to be quite resentful that I never got those focused blocks of time, but as the baby has gotten older I've found I just need to make a point of asking for it.

Mariposista · 09/12/2022 20:41

What is your work schedule? If you work similar hours, your husband should be taking his share of the sick days

shipeeety · 09/12/2022 20:43

I went back to work ft when dc was 6 months old. I literally went running back. If I had another I'd do the same. I'm now pt as dc is older and I can handle it. But I joke with dh that he'll know when I'm ready to have another because I'll be going back ft before I even get pregnant to ensure I can run away again! I love my dc and am very happy now but I had no childcare outside of paid and them getting sick and me catching everything going just noooo. Dh was also like yours, had/has an addiction to work. The only thing to stop it is to beat them at their own game. Raise the stakes. Threaten them with, well I'm going to do what you're doing, why wouldn't I.

The week I went back to work I told dh he's to start cleaning the house. He hired a cleaner. Pathetic. I'm now well and fully in control of what is fair and what isn't. I'd been raised in a household where the woman did everything. But I look back and just see a burnt out mother who wasn't that much fun. Is that your end goal? That's what it will be otherwise. Sorry you're going through this, you have every right to feel low about it. You're being mistreated in your own home by those u you oh expect more of and should do too.

Charlavail · 09/12/2022 21:33

I've just spent hours texting DH's family for childcare so I can shift swap to go to a concert for a band he likes and he was stupid enough to book on a day I've worked for 6 years. The look on his face when I suggested he took a days holiday! I don't think he has ever organised childcare since we had DC

Original poster
snowballon · 09/12/2022 21:37

You can all say what you want. If we work, if we don't work- we ultimately carry more of the burden and it's a joke. It's probably better not to work, in some ways. Although I would go nuts. I definitely will continue to work. But it's too much for one person.

OP posts:
mumofone2019 · 09/12/2022 21:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

mumofone2019 · 09/12/2022 21:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

FancyFelix · 09/12/2022 21:52

snowballon · 09/12/2022 21:37

You can all say what you want. If we work, if we don't work- we ultimately carry more of the burden and it's a joke. It's probably better not to work, in some ways. Although I would go nuts. I definitely will continue to work. But it's too much for one person.

We don't carry more of the burden if we have an actual partner. You don't appear to have one.

roarfeckingroarr · 09/12/2022 22:03

I hear you and it sounds very hard. He is not doing enough.

You know what makes it a bit easier for me? Knowing that I am doing a bloody brilliant job myself for my children. Knowing that I'm their number 1. Knowing that as they grow up, they'll see. You get out of life what you put in - and you're putting in so much, it will be worth it no matter how hard it is day to day now.

Justthisonce12 · 09/12/2022 22:25

Charlavail · 09/12/2022 21:33

I've just spent hours texting DH's family for childcare so I can shift swap to go to a concert for a band he likes and he was stupid enough to book on a day I've worked for 6 years. The look on his face when I suggested he took a days holiday! I don't think he has ever organised childcare since we had DC

Honestly, I think I would’ve punched him in the face no jury would’ve convicted you

Sceptre86 · 09/12/2022 22:44

It's hard when they are ill and the combination of their ages is tough. If he helps so little I wouldnt be considering anymore children. You ought to see your hv and or go to get some help. If cbt wasn't helpful maybe it's time for medication?

As for your dh, I'd sit down and have a conversation. If he can see you are struggling but isn't helping then your relationship isn't worth hanging onto in my opinion.

Sceptre86 · 09/12/2022 22:49

You carry more of the 'burden' (I prefer responsibility) because you haven't got a partner worth his salt and you let him get away with it. Get the help you need from a health care professional and speak to the father of your children. If won't be easy but you need to think about your immediate health and longterm future.

BeckyWithTheGoodHair010101 · 09/12/2022 23:02

You have a DH problem. We both work full time, we need both wages and I like to have financial independence anyway. But I do all the school runs and after school club pick ups around my job as I work from home and he has a commute. When my partner comes home everything is 50/50. He is actively involved in family life. We both do our fair share. What you're describing isn't normal to me.

dottypencilcase · 09/12/2022 23:08

I understand the 'moods'. Mine has struggled with fatherhood and has a recent diagnosis of depression and is waiting to be assessed for ASD. I really struggle to find sympathy or empathy for him. What frightens me is leaving the children with him and getting him to step up and take charge but the impact of him losing his shit and what this would do to the children. I genuinely believe they're not emotionally safe being in his company alone. So I stay to keep an eye on things and smoothe things over if he plays up. I get it. I wish I didn't but I do.

bumpytrumpy · 09/12/2022 23:20

Figrolls14 · 09/12/2022 19:19

The thing that fucks me off about Jobs Around The House jobs in our house is that they are mostly not “frontline” kind of do the washing up or there will be no plates to put supper on/clean up the poo or there will be poo on the carpet kind of jobs, which take up all the time and energy.
Instead, they are selective. they are presented as important things requiring skill, time and concentration, immediate attention, sometimes even careful meditative choosing of materials and trips to suppliers. Much like sweaty cooks vs inspired chefs.
as opposed to “wife work” which apparently somehow doesn’t exist, and yet is an abomination when neglected.

We’all need to talk to them. I feel like I have signed up to this division of labour at some point post baby when I was still fucking hallucinating my tits off, but I never signed NUFFINK!!!

Yep. Washing the car, going to the tip, external Christmas lights. Those sort of jobs are a great child avoidance tactic.

deeperthanallroses · 09/12/2022 23:36

I’d be planning on going back to work and leaving my husband. I can’t see that he adds anything. I’m home with a baby too, I got so much more support from my Dh than you do, he cooks a lot and is there for bedtime most nights (we have 3) and it was still very hard- those months where everyone was sick. Now I’m the priority for being able to go out etc to make up some of the months I was stuck at home and he still got to go out.

I don’t see why you care if he grumps his life is shit. he doesn’t care about your grumps. Why don’t you say you did want a second child and now you do fuck all for them and practically live at work because it suits you better, what are you whining about? These baby years are hard and you talked me into it and are now a fucking useless dad who likes to criticise my getting your shirts sent out to be ironed but also refuses to help. Here are your children, I’m going out, by the way I’ve canceled the ironing service and for every critical comment about ironing from here on I plan to set fire to one of your shirts.

Coffeeandcrocs · 10/12/2022 00:17

You keep crying because you're fucking exhausted and burnt out, OP.

Your DH working isn't an excuse not to be a parent. The children are a joint creation, not just yours and he doesn't 'deserve a break' for going to work - staying home with the children all day, especially sick ones, is work too.

My DH works a very high pressure medical job, 10 hour shifts and does ALL toddler night wakes. I do the baby as he's breastfed but we share the load.

Managinggenzoclock · 10/12/2022 00:31

It’s not you. You’re not incapable. Lost of women “don’t cope” and of those who do they often have a lot more help.
I didn’t cope. My years as a SAHM were the hardest of my life. Like you, I have a husband working very long hours and no family support.
It does get easier as they get older. Use your husband when he is there. Stop beating yourself up.
It is hard and lonely. You’re doing your level best.
Your mother in law sounds spectacularly insensitive btw, I have mums cry on my all the time in my job now and I feel nothing but respect and compassion for them.
For what it’s worth, the ones who look smiley and that they have it all together are just as likely to cry behind closed doors. It is not just you.

Original poster
snowballon · 10/12/2022 00:51

Managinggenzoclock · 10/12/2022 00:31

It’s not you. You’re not incapable. Lost of women “don’t cope” and of those who do they often have a lot more help.
I didn’t cope. My years as a SAHM were the hardest of my life. Like you, I have a husband working very long hours and no family support.
It does get easier as they get older. Use your husband when he is there. Stop beating yourself up.
It is hard and lonely. You’re doing your level best.
Your mother in law sounds spectacularly insensitive btw, I have mums cry on my all the time in my job now and I feel nothing but respect and compassion for them.
For what it’s worth, the ones who look smiley and that they have it all together are just as likely to cry behind closed doors. It is not just you.

Thank you for being so kind.

I'm mortified that I cried in front of MIL.

I was just playing with blocks with my DD when it started. I was just quietly crying with tears down my face and tried to hide it at first. Then MIL asked what was wrong and I said that I'm just really tired and had been worried a lot for DD. She then said, don't cry, you need to be strong and then kept trying to talk to me about all sorts of topics to get me to stop.

I think she didn't know what to do. Lots of people don't know what to do. But it didn't feel very caring. I think she hates me anyway.

I just kept thinking how I miss my mum and how I wish I was able to be around my mum and my family who really care for me and support me. I don't need to beg them to see me, they just want to see me and want to be there for me. We moved to be near in laws and they don't visit that often - and usually when I prompt to see them. So it makes me feel a bit like I have to beg. I don't expect them to take care of my kids, but even if they came and had dinner with us once a week or so- it would make me feel a lot less lonely. As it's always just me and the kids.

OP posts:
londonmummy1966 · 10/12/2022 01:11

I had a bit of this with my DH - always working and therefore never time to help. Eventually I explained that either he was the equivalent of the chairman of ICI and therefore could always work as he earned enough to pay for domestic help and childcare to take on 50% of the load or he didn't earn that much in which case he wasn't that important and could pull his weight at home. Therefore I would walk out and leave him to it from time to time. It did work (eventually)

Nancydrawn · 10/12/2022 01:18

It's incredibly sad that you moved that way to be close to his parents, but then neither he nor they provide any support.

Is anything ever on your terms rather than his?

Judgyjudgy · 10/12/2022 01:23

I think your husband needs a new job, those are crazy hours. It's no wonder you're not coping. Apart from that childminder so you can get some more time for you

Blocked · 10/12/2022 01:43

Sounds like you should go it alone and move near your family with the kids. You're doing it all yourself anyway, might as well ditch the element that's making you most unhappy.

You'd be amazed what not feeling resentful at a shitty husband does for your happiness levels and your relationship with your kids.

magma32 · 10/12/2022 02:06

FancyFelix · 09/12/2022 21:52

We don't carry more of the burden if we have an actual partner. You don't appear to have one.

Show quote history

Exactly. Plenty of us have decent men who share the load with us despite working long hours. When you accept that it doesn’t have to be like this and men are very capable of doing much more then you will raise your bar and demand he does more. If you resign to the idea this is how it is for women then of course you are going to martyr yourself.