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Original poster

Really just feel stitched up being a female - the kids are ultimately my problem

157 replies

snowballon · 09/12/2022 17:11

I don't know why I'm writing. I guess I just feel so alone and there is nothing I can do to change my situation right now.

I'm burning out. I am really just done with it all.

My kids ( 7 months and 3 ) have been sick on and off and out of childcare for almost a month now. My husband has one day off a week and even then, he makes himself busy with house tasks ( which do need to be done to be fair ). He comes home at 8:45-9 pm every day and leaves at 6 am. It's just about bearable when I can send the older one to nursery and the younger one goes to a child minder occasionally so I can go to the gym. I obviously do all night wakings, as my husband's schedule is too full on. Even when he's home though, I try to spare him a bit. He just looks si fed up when holding the baby or playing with the toddler. He needs a break too etc. I get my break apparently, because I can go to the gym. Obviously not lately.

I have not been able to do any of my usual stuff for almost a month. I have just been sat her looking after two sick kids, day and night, basically. Begging for someone to come and help me / visit me. My in laws live close by. My family do not. My in laws come sometimes, but I really need them to come a bit more. Not to help really. I just need some adult company.

I saw MIL and had a crying fit. She didn't seem to sympathetic about it. I'm embarrassed, but it's getting to the point that I can't control when I cry. It happened to me a few months ago, where I would just cry in public and be unable to stop. It's really embarrassing. It's now happened in front of her. She just said to stop crying and to be strong.

I just can't take it anymore. How do people cope ? Why can't I cope ? I just feel like no one understands how hard this is, like, mums just do this ? Now of course, I also feel poorly myself. Both kids constantly need me and screaming for me. I just feel like I've been stitched up. It's always my problem. They're ultimately my responsibility. I would rather go to work. I'm on Mat leave. But I know when I go back, it's still my problem to run the household and look after them, because my husband makes more than me.

I love my babies, but it's killing me. There's no thanks for this, apart from their love. Husband comes home grumpy because sometimes it's a mess and there's no food. I'm at my end.

OP posts:
hettie · 09/12/2022 19:47

Hmme, I know couples like this. He's effectively having an affair with his work isn't he? They are ludicrous hours. He is either crap at his job or the business isn't viable or he is (unconsciously it otherwise) channelling his energies into work so he isn't around you and the kids. My only other thought was did he have some weird relationship with his parents in which he has to prove his worth by being successful in business?
Would he go to couples counseling? You need to find a way to talk about this and resolve it....

Justthisonce12 · 09/12/2022 19:47

snowballon · 09/12/2022 19:41

He has no time for anyone else. It's really how much he works.

Show quote history

You would be surprised sadly mine, got his mother round to (unwittingly) babysit the kids while he’s sneaked off to fcuk her in a hotel.

Whilst i thought he was working.

Runningintolife · 09/12/2022 19:48

I think you need a husband. He's hardly there, and when he is he's grumpy and critical. That's no relationship.
You are completely right, women are disadvantaged by Biology, average lower earnings and societal expectations. Its entrenched and its bullshit for anyone to say its your fault.
Read wifework, it helps understand the subtle shifts in the dynamic after marriage and children.
I would arrange a time to speak to him. This is not sustainable. You need him to work less hours or be more present and involved when he is home. You need to leave him sometimes with both children. Have a listen to the parenting hell podcast to get a sense of how other parents share tasks and how stressful they still find it all.

Beanbagtrap · 09/12/2022 19:48

Lots of good advice here. In the short term I recommend talk radio or audiobooks. I found the tediousness of those early years the worst until I started to have an audiobook on whilst I sat doing puzzles, nappy changes, making food etc. Not all the time, I talked to the DC a lot, but having something that was for grown ups for some of the day helped me keep my sanity.

Sausagenbacon · 09/12/2022 19:49

It sounds awful, I really sympathise. There's no point echoing the really good advice you've had, but just try and remember that it doesn't last forever. One day you'll turn around that they'll be in their 30s.
Of course, I do realise that that is no use.

InWalksBarberalla · 09/12/2022 19:51

How often would he have the kids if you divorced the selfish git. You might get more of a break and not have to deal with his moods, and cooking for him, cleaning up after him etc.

Hayliebells · 09/12/2022 19:52

snowballon · 09/12/2022 19:34

The thing is, I do usually have a cleaner..

I will get a nanny when I go back, for the baby. But Husband really resents all the outsourcing and actually holds it against me sometimes !

He'll be like - well you have a cleaner, you use laundry service for shirts and send older one to nursery - what are you even complaining about ? Some women do all of that themselves... ( like his mother ).

Show quote history

Well then he’s just a dick, isn’t he? How dare he hold that against you. He really doesn’t sound like a good man, he sounds abusive.

sneezingpandamum · 09/12/2022 19:52

The thing is you've had several months on maternity leave presumably you can afford that only if your Husband puts the work in that he does? You are on mat and yet aside from sickness this last month both children are in some form of childcare

You say he has house jobs which need doing on his one day off? You can't have everything? If you aren't enjoying the motherhood side of it go back to work outsource more - agree to split the household tasks including the DIY that need to be done?

In fairness I do often feel sorry for husbands who are holding the fort down financially speaking whilst their wives are on maternity leave and then are being moaned at in the back ground for what they are not doing when he's working 6 days a week and sounds like he has a DIY list to do on his one day off?

Keylimewhy · 09/12/2022 19:57

sneezingpandamum · 09/12/2022 19:52

The thing is you've had several months on maternity leave presumably you can afford that only if your Husband puts the work in that he does? You are on mat and yet aside from sickness this last month both children are in some form of childcare

You say he has house jobs which need doing on his one day off? You can't have everything? If you aren't enjoying the motherhood side of it go back to work outsource more - agree to split the household tasks including the DIY that need to be done?

In fairness I do often feel sorry for husbands who are holding the fort down financially speaking whilst their wives are on maternity leave and then are being moaned at in the back ground for what they are not doing when he's working 6 days a week and sounds like he has a DIY list to do on his one day off?

Why are you assuming the OP is needing her DH to be able to go on mat leave?

I was on full pay for 9 months of my maternity leave. No holding the fort down from DH necessary

chopc · 09/12/2022 19:58

You need to sit down with your DH and tell him you are struggling and see what you can sort out together to get you to a better place .

You may also be having PND so worth contacting your health visitor and have an assessment

Marriage is a partnership. Kids have two parents . Full stop

If your DH is not able to be around himself due to working long hours he needs to buy in help. Even though his mum did it all, you are not his mum.

Don't put up with being treated like this

Original poster
snowballon · 09/12/2022 20:00

sneezingpandamum · 09/12/2022 19:52

The thing is you've had several months on maternity leave presumably you can afford that only if your Husband puts the work in that he does? You are on mat and yet aside from sickness this last month both children are in some form of childcare

You say he has house jobs which need doing on his one day off? You can't have everything? If you aren't enjoying the motherhood side of it go back to work outsource more - agree to split the household tasks including the DIY that need to be done?

In fairness I do often feel sorry for husbands who are holding the fort down financially speaking whilst their wives are on maternity leave and then are being moaned at in the back ground for what they are not doing when he's working 6 days a week and sounds like he has a DIY list to do on his one day off?

We both actually make good money. He does not need to work extra to cover any short fall for me being on maternity leave. I also have a generous maternity leave policy etc. so no, he's not holding down the fort financially at the moment.

OP posts:
Goldbar · 09/12/2022 20:01

snowballon · 09/12/2022 19:34

The thing is, I do usually have a cleaner..

I will get a nanny when I go back, for the baby. But Husband really resents all the outsourcing and actually holds it against me sometimes !

He'll be like - well you have a cleaner, you use laundry service for shirts and send older one to nursery - what are you even complaining about ? Some women do all of that themselves... ( like his mother ).

Show quote history

He has mistaken you for a dual-purpose appliance.. both wage-generator and household robot. He doesn't think of you as a human being. You are there to service him.

Tell him to fuck off and withdraw your labour. Tell him you're not interested in ironing his shirts and cooking for him. Just do the kid-related stuff. And stick two fingers up at him, get a babysitter in and go sit in a coffee shop by yourself for a bit. You could even send him a picture saying "Hi hun, been tough lately but really enjoying the down time".

Original poster
snowballon · 09/12/2022 20:02

@sneezingpandamum the DIY stuff he does is always what he wants to do. I literally never ask him to do any of it. I would much rather be spent that time with the kids and I. It doesn't even benefit me. I think most of it is a waste of money. However it's a bit of a hobby for him and he enjoys it, so I don't want to stop him doing it.

OP posts:
Testina · 09/12/2022 20:03

“you use laundry service for shirts”

Your shirts @snowballon ?
Thought now.
Tell him to fuck off with that.

Peacelily38 · 09/12/2022 20:05

I think that some of the comments relating to your DH are unfair, he sounds like he's overworked, and actually his work to life balance is awful for himself let alone you.

He still manages to do jobs on his only day off a week after such long hours.

I think you both need to have a sit down and work out a better work and life balance.

I do think that's easier said than done in some cases with businesses if they are growing or just starting up they can take alot of work.

Is he able to hire someone else to take on more tasks so he can have some earlier days?

If not now perhaps that's something to think of in the near future.

I don't think you have it that bad if you get time to yourself, a cleaner and someone to do your laundry. You just have had a crap month with illnesses, it happens.

It also sounds like you need to reconnect, it's very easy to loose connection when you both feel unhappy and you don't listen to each other as well.
Make some effort to spend time together even if it's just a meal in the evening.
Same with the kids make plans to get out with them on his day off so you can all spend some time with each other and create some positive interactions.

I would speak to him about how you feel about his relationship with the kids but go gently, his view may be that he's putting in his contribution by working so hard and providing money wise.

mumofone2019 · 09/12/2022 20:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Original poster
snowballon · 09/12/2022 20:08

Peacelily38 · 09/12/2022 20:05

I think that some of the comments relating to your DH are unfair, he sounds like he's overworked, and actually his work to life balance is awful for himself let alone you.

He still manages to do jobs on his only day off a week after such long hours.

I think you both need to have a sit down and work out a better work and life balance.

I do think that's easier said than done in some cases with businesses if they are growing or just starting up they can take alot of work.

Is he able to hire someone else to take on more tasks so he can have some earlier days?

If not now perhaps that's something to think of in the near future.

I don't think you have it that bad if you get time to yourself, a cleaner and someone to do your laundry. You just have had a crap month with illnesses, it happens.

It also sounds like you need to reconnect, it's very easy to loose connection when you both feel unhappy and you don't listen to each other as well.
Make some effort to spend time together even if it's just a meal in the evening.
Same with the kids make plans to get out with them on his day off so you can all spend some time with each other and create some positive interactions.

I would speak to him about how you feel about his relationship with the kids but go gently, his view may be that he's putting in his contribution by working so hard and providing money wise.

I don't use a laundry service for laundry. Only his shirts.

OP posts:
mumofone2019 · 09/12/2022 20:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Original poster
snowballon · 09/12/2022 20:14

This reply has been deleted

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

I feel like he is overworked and unhappy too. But I feel like I'm always trying to make his life easier. And sometimes, I just can't see that he does the same for me. He works, yes, but he doesn't just do that for us.

OP posts:
DucklingDaisy · 09/12/2022 20:18

If you're both earning good money and there's no way he can work less than he is doing, the only option is outsourcing more. More time at the childminder, all the laundry sent out, maybe a local teen to come and help with bedtime even?? Idk, but if you can't afford to step up the outsourcing with his 90 hour weeks on top of your good Maternity pay, what the fuck is the point of him working every waking hour?

It always feels extra tough when kids are poorly, especially when you are ill as well. I find it he'll just getting through a day in that situation. Hopefully you'll get some good sleep and an easier few days and it won't feel quite as hopeless.

StClare101 · 09/12/2022 20:24

Your DH sounds like a dick. No self employed person needs to work those kind of hours. He’s avoiding his family responsibilities and now you say he doesn’t even want to look after his own children on his day off? Honestly I’d get rid of him.

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/12/2022 20:28

Figrolls14 · 09/12/2022 19:19

The thing that fucks me off about Jobs Around The House jobs in our house is that they are mostly not “frontline” kind of do the washing up or there will be no plates to put supper on/clean up the poo or there will be poo on the carpet kind of jobs, which take up all the time and energy.
Instead, they are selective. they are presented as important things requiring skill, time and concentration, immediate attention, sometimes even careful meditative choosing of materials and trips to suppliers. Much like sweaty cooks vs inspired chefs.
as opposed to “wife work” which apparently somehow doesn’t exist, and yet is an abomination when neglected.

We’all need to talk to them. I feel like I have signed up to this division of labour at some point post baby when I was still fucking hallucinating my tits off, but I never signed NUFFINK!!!

You read my mind.

My ex was a huge one for Jobs Around the House. They were always:

  • optional/non essential (like fitting a pointless shower unit attachment or some piece of discretionary electronics like an improved router)
  • Involved a trip in the car to buy parts, usually with a detour via the pub
  • Required him to take over an entire room for hours on end
  • Excused him from any childcare responsibilities or mundane but essential tasks such as washing up or tidying
  • Invariably resulted in him chiding me for failing to do enough housework

I divorced him. Obvs

longcoffeebreak · 09/12/2022 20:31

Hi OP yeah it's shit. You are the default cater. I'm 17 and 15 years in respectively been a single parent since I left there day when they were 2 and 9 months.

Earn money, pay the bills, clean, shop, cook, nurse, plan, troubleshoot, do DIY, help with homework, care for the animals, fix it for everyone, buy car, maintain car, look after elderly parent, keep on top of meetings, appointments and interventions for one of the children (autism) etc etc etc

I do it all.

Kids dad just shows up about twice a year and tells me i'm doing it wrong 😀 before telling me he can't help out with any costs

NoGoodUsernamee · 09/12/2022 20:32

Hi OP. It’s so hard, you love your kids but the demand on your body & soul from morning till night takes its toll. I have 3 children 5, 3 & 1. I could not do it without my partner who is not perfect but supportive ESPECIALLY when they’re unwell - that’s a whole new fresh hell of parenting. Parenting is hard, fact. But having a shitty husband and unsupportive network is your main problem here. I’m so sorry I know it’s not easy to fix that over night. 💐 Just know that leaving your DC’s with their dad in his day off his completely acceptable and necessary right
now. Give yourself a break.

longcoffeebreak · 09/12/2022 20:33

Sorry for all the typos I'm multitasking Grin