Really just feel stitched up being a female - the kids are ultimately my problem

[snowballon]

I don't know why I'm writing. I guess I just feel so alone and there is nothing I can do to change my situation right now.

I'm burning out. I am really just done with it all.

My kids ( 7 months and 3 ) have been sick on and off and out of childcare for almost a month now. My husband has one day off a week and even then, he makes himself busy with house tasks ( which do need to be done to be fair ). He comes home at 8:45-9 pm every day and leaves at 6 am. It's just about bearable when I can send the older one to nursery and the younger one goes to a child minder occasionally so I can go to the gym. I obviously do all night wakings, as my husband's schedule is too full on. Even when he's home though, I try to spare him a bit. He just looks si fed up when holding the baby or playing with the toddler. He needs a break too etc. I get my break apparently, because I can go to the gym. Obviously not lately.

I have not been able to do any of my usual stuff for almost a month. I have just been sat her looking after two sick kids, day and night, basically. Begging for someone to come and help me / visit me. My in laws live close by. My family do not. My in laws come sometimes, but I really need them to come a bit more. Not to help really. I just need some adult company.

I saw MIL and had a crying fit. She didn't seem to sympathetic about it. I'm embarrassed, but it's getting to the point that I can't control when I cry. It happened to me a few months ago, where I would just cry in public and be unable to stop. It's really embarrassing. It's now happened in front of her. She just said to stop crying and to be strong.

I just can't take it anymore. How do people cope ? Why can't I cope ? I just feel like no one understands how hard this is, like, mums just do this ? Now of course, I also feel poorly myself. Both kids constantly need me and screaming for me. I just feel like I've been stitched up. It's always my problem. They're ultimately my responsibility. I would rather go to work. I'm on Mat leave. But I know when I go back, it's still my problem to run the household and look after them, because my husband makes more than me.

I love my babies, but it's killing me. There's no thanks for this, apart from their love. Husband comes home grumpy because sometimes it's a mess and there's no food. I'm at my end.

Many have asked and you seem to be refusing to answer but WHY is he working 90 hours a week? Does he REALLY earn enough for a 90 hour a week job to be justifiable?

for context - we have 2 kids, both work FT and are both around for dinner and bed every night and share every part of the workload, DH probably does more than I do and he certainly has more patience with the kids than I do! This isn’t about being female, but about having a husband who refuses to change his life after having kids

The thing that fucks me off about Jobs Around The House jobs in our house is that they are mostly not “frontline” kind of do the washing up or there will be no plates to put supper on/clean up the poo or there will be poo on the carpet kind of jobs, which take up all the time and energy.
Instead, they are selective. they are presented as important things requiring skill, time and concentration, immediate attention, sometimes even careful meditative choosing of materials and trips to suppliers. Much like sweaty cooks vs inspired chefs.
as opposed to “wife work” which apparently somehow doesn’t exist, and yet is an abomination when neglected.

We’all need to talk to them. I feel like I have signed up to this division of labour at some point post baby when I was still fucking hallucinating my tits off, but I never signed NUFFINK!!!

is he actually working those hours, or staying at work to avoid doing anything at home? How would you know?

you really need to sort this out asap. You need to sit with him and ask him what the plan is for when you go back to work, as obviously the parenting will need to be shared.

Your DH needs a new job. You probably earn a higher hourly rate than him. His hours are not suitable for a family (or anyone really).
That should be the priority right now - him finding a job with normal hours. Then the two of you can work on getting a routine in place where you both have a reasonable work life balance.

He is "working" those hours to get out of being a parent. This has nothing to do with Mums and you having a shit husband who thought that his life wouldn't change.

His work schedule is ridiculous. By working this he limits his down time. Parenting when children are young is much more bearable when there are two of us in it together.

It's a bit outing tbh. I don't really want to go into detail. Difficult to change this at the moment. But husband doesn't even really acknowledge that it's not the norm or normal / that I have a tough job doing it alone. He thinks most families work this way..

do you know what triggered this change in your DH between the two kids?

Yup exactly this. The ' jobs around the house ' he does are usually only of interest to him. Like some special new machine he's bought and now needs to connect, which I don't care about or use etc.

I'll give him credit where it's due though, he does tidy the garage and sort out all the cardboard we have. But this takes hours, while I'm left, as per usual, tending to the kids and doing the usual cooking, washing up, clearing up BS. It's all a massive farce, this marriage and kids bullshit.

Are you being sarcastic now ?

Ok it’s outing what he does for a living (not sure how but 🤷🏻‍♀️)

so instead….did he always work like this? Or was it just since you’ve had kids that he avoids being at home?

Its not just unusual tho, its illegal for an employee to work more than 48h without an opt out under the working time directive. Obvs he's self-employed so it doesnt apply, but its clearly not usual as there are laws in place to stop it.

If the 90h pw working are unavoidable, you need to source support from elsewhere - do you have room for an au pair? What about getting a childcare college student as a mothers help for 20h a week or looking into a nanny share arrangement?

I've been self employed and the hours are long , also with the cost of everything rocketing is going to put more pressure on self employed people
However ,op your husbands attitude stinks !!! He should be helping you find a solution if he can't physically be there for you. And forget the mil, I learned the hard way that blood is thicker than water .

You don't need a gp, pills or therapy you need a break and someone that actually cares about you!

Failing that have you got the spare cash for a cleaner / helper to relieve some of the pressure?

I also think a Frank conversation with your close family about how you are feeling and can they help in anyway might be in order.

Not helpful to you right now but my ex was the same ( and so was his mother ) got shot of the lot of them.

Make a list of practical solutions to try. When you get a bit of rest and breathing space you can think about what to do about yor passive aggressive husband

It was better before. I've posted about similar stuff before and I'm embarrassed.

Having two really little one just is really hard. I think you need to be really clear about what you need / what could possibly help you - and go and get it. For example, could your in laws have both children one day a week / fortnight / month or whatever. Can you get a cleaner / buy in pre cooked meals etc. If exercise is important to you is there something you can do from home eg peloton classes (you don’t even need the bike). Make a plan and make it happen.

Now?

im merely asking what’s triggered this change, unless he was like this with your first child and you decided to still have another…

The thing is, I do usually have a cleaner..

I will get a nanny when I go back, for the baby. But Husband really resents all the outsourcing and actually holds it against me sometimes !

He'll be like - well you have a cleaner, you use laundry service for shirts and send older one to nursery - what are you even complaining about ? Some women do all of that themselves... ( like his mother ).

Leave him home alone with the kids for a couple of days and then see how much he complains. He likely has no idea.

You are being manipulated by your husband's grumpiness. He knows it brings you low when he behaves grumpy so he does it (consciously or unconsciously) to get out of the hard grift of parenting and get all the available free time for himself instead of sharing it with you fairly. He spends very little time with his children as it is, based on your description of his schedule. It should not be all on you.

Of course your MIL is not helpful because her highest loyalty is to him, not you. Don't let her perspective make you feel invalidated. She's biased.

You have two options, I think. Either stop giving your husband all the free time (stop letting him sleep in, stop doing all the night wakings, etc), or hire in some help. You say your husband punishes you with grumpiness if you don't give him all (or almost all) the free time (I know I am paraphrasing what you said, if I'm inaccurate, let me know, but don't change your opinion just because you realise how bad his behavior is when you stop using euphemisms to describe what he's doing). So if you stop letting him have all the free time to himself, there will probably be some conflict and negativity. You said this makes you feel worse. I invite you to reframe it so you don't feel worse. Think of it as a child having a tantrum: if you give in to the child, the tantrum will stop, but that will prevent you solving the real problem of the child's behavior. If you resist, the tantrum will continue, and you'll feel bad, but the child will eventually learn that having a tantrum does not get them what they want. So reframe your husband's negativity if he doesn't get all the free time, as something that is not your problem. It is ok for half of the free time and relaxation to be yours. It's ok if your husband feels bad about that. But it's not your problem if he feels bad when the free time is divided fairly between you. Just block it out. Go in another room. whatever works for you and makes you feel better and recharges you. Remind yourself that it's ok if some of the family resources go to you. You're not just his wife appliance. You're a person, worthwhile in your own right.

You could also consider warning him that his marriage is at risk if he continues to be so selfish with the sharing of which of you gets free time. Bear in mind that for workaholics (sounds like he is one) benefit from their work. They like it. It makes them happy. It gives them self-esteem, and, if they are well paid, the financial power of being the high earner. But they present it as a big burden so they can get out of menial work they dislike (or childcare). I know not all those with long working hours do this, but if he huffs and puffs when he has to have the children, he's probably doing it.

In terms of the sickness bugs, this will pass. Batten down your mental and emotional hatches and just make sure you do the essentials. Like a hurricane. No one makes social calls during a hurricane or worries if the house is tidy. It's about keeping everyone alive and in one piece. I remember those days.

@Keylimewhy well that's what you're getting at aren't you. You want me to say that my husband never even wanted kids in the first place and I practically forced him and then I forced him to have a second one after the first one, knowing how shit he was...

no, I never forced him at all. He wanted kids. I wanted to stop at one, because I found it so hard already and yes, his hours weren't amazing- but have got much worse. But that's not because of the baby, it's because of the business situation.

Your H is manipulative and uncaring - like his DM possibly?

Is he definitely spending all those hours working or is there a possibility he is seeing someone behind your back and pushing you to finish with him so he doesn’t feel guilty?

WHAT?!

He;s the one creating the need for outsourcing, you are the one that is picking up the additional slack!

Sure, some people do all the cleaning, all the childcare, all the laundry....but HE doesn't, he doesnt even do half of it, which is why you as a family need to outsource the tasks that he is neglecting.

He has no time for anyone else. It's really how much he works.

I totally understand. I've got one who's 2 in a few weeks, and a 9m old. My partner's been working 6 day weeks for the last few months since my maternity pay dropped, he works 12 hour shifts, so I solo parent 99% of the time. His family live down south, mine live 5 mins away but seem very unwilling to help, even though they work part time (they like to make out to everyone they are grandparents of the year though).

I had a kidney infection last week, and a cold this week. My skins out in horrific eczema, my hairs all fly aways from falling out in back to back pregnancies. It's honestly horrific. I start back at work in January and have no idea how I'm going to keep the boat sailing working 4 days a week with a baby who's still up twice a night and no time off 🙈😵‍💫

The good days make it worthwhile but my god, the bad days are really tough! Posts like yours make me glad I'm not alone in feeling this way. As online it just seems to be all sunshine and rainbows, when in real life, for me anyway, it's bloody tough!

I dream of the time I can have a night out or couple of hours to myself.... Maybe when they start school 🙈

Cut those stupid little jobs. Who cares about sorted cardboard and a clean garage. That’s not helping when youve got two very little ones

he doesn’t get to shirk because he’s busy and has a puss on. You both need to be in the trenches together. So sorry you’re feeling down OP I don’t think you’re depressed you are just bloody knackered and need some support.

start handing off the kids and outline the schedule with DH when he will be doing his share. Then vacate, go upstairs go for a walk, disconnect and hopefully it will.

Stop the guilt, he is their father doesn’t matter how miserable it makes him, you’re miserable too and he wanted them!

You absolutely need a cleaner a couple of times a week that this rich husband of yours with his oh so important man job can fund to make up for his lack of contribution in that department.

I made an agreement with my ex-husband that I would be a stay at home Mom, that does not include me being his maid and keeping his house for him. Very different.