Really just feel stitched up being a female - the kids are ultimately my problem

[snowballon]

I don't know why I'm writing. I guess I just feel so alone and there is nothing I can do to change my situation right now.

I'm burning out. I am really just done with it all.

My kids ( 7 months and 3 ) have been sick on and off and out of childcare for almost a month now. My husband has one day off a week and even then, he makes himself busy with house tasks ( which do need to be done to be fair ). He comes home at 8:45-9 pm every day and leaves at 6 am. It's just about bearable when I can send the older one to nursery and the younger one goes to a child minder occasionally so I can go to the gym. I obviously do all night wakings, as my husband's schedule is too full on. Even when he's home though, I try to spare him a bit. He just looks si fed up when holding the baby or playing with the toddler. He needs a break too etc. I get my break apparently, because I can go to the gym. Obviously not lately.

I have not been able to do any of my usual stuff for almost a month. I have just been sat her looking after two sick kids, day and night, basically. Begging for someone to come and help me / visit me. My in laws live close by. My family do not. My in laws come sometimes, but I really need them to come a bit more. Not to help really. I just need some adult company.

I saw MIL and had a crying fit. She didn't seem to sympathetic about it. I'm embarrassed, but it's getting to the point that I can't control when I cry. It happened to me a few months ago, where I would just cry in public and be unable to stop. It's really embarrassing. It's now happened in front of her. She just said to stop crying and to be strong.

I just can't take it anymore. How do people cope ? Why can't I cope ? I just feel like no one understands how hard this is, like, mums just do this ? Now of course, I also feel poorly myself. Both kids constantly need me and screaming for me. I just feel like I've been stitched up. It's always my problem. They're ultimately my responsibility. I would rather go to work. I'm on Mat leave. But I know when I go back, it's still my problem to run the household and look after them, because my husband makes more than me.

I love my babies, but it's killing me. There's no thanks for this, apart from their love. Husband comes home grumpy because sometimes it's a mess and there's no food. I'm at my end.

OP can you move to be near your family?

Honestly we don’t all “carry more of the burden”. This crops up all the time in mumsnet, this idea that all men are the same and it’s always the woman who is left to do the bulk of the childcare/domestic tasks/mental load. This is categorically false. Plenty of us are in relationships where this isn’t the case, my lived experience proves that this is false. I think those who believe it just don’t want to accept the fact that their man is crap. That there is often something that that can do about it (ultimately, to leave), and that they could have a better life with a different man. It’s this thinking that keeps women in rubbish relationships.

You sound at the end of your tether.

You need to stop being so kind to him.

He moans about outsourcing and sending out his shirts- well stop then and tell him he's responsible for sorting them as you don't have time. Make his life hard, stop making it easier for him while throwing yourself under a bus to do so.

Stop feeling guilty when he pulls a sad face. Leave the kids with him while you shower etc. don't let him manipulate you.

Can you go out on his day off. Leave him to it?

I feel like a part time job would restore your sanity:

1. adult company (this is huge in terms of mental health)

2. a break from your four walls

3. a restored sense of self

4. your income meaning your husband stops working insane hours, forms a bond with the children that results in him enjoying their company of an evening.

I haven't read whole thread, but this is what shouts out at me.

Agreed, & I am an IAPT Therapist. It's not 'you', it's your situation.

I'd suggest the gym AND a local Mum / hobby group - you need time to yourself.
If this isn't possible / not enough to enable you to feel better then possibly some proper Counselling / short term antidepressants (though those shouldnt' be neeeded if you can change your circumstances as this is circumstantial)
But for this to be possible you need H to see that it is NECESSARY. Without this your MH is being affected (random crying bursts) & if you go tits up then he will HAVE to do it all himself.
(my background is that I had 2 kids who turned out to have ASD & I did it all alone as my (ex)H didn't see that crumbs of 'help' were not enough)
But yes, this is a societal thing. ExH left (not 'understood') & is currently signed off by GP for his 6th month. He has SO much support around him (work provide Counselling, GP access to Psychiatrist, work paying him sick pay). I am glad for him but Christ alive when I was nearly losing my mind during the solo years there was NO ONE around for me. I am sorry you are experiencing this. Us Mum's are just 'expected to get on with it'.
And, depending on your circs, that can feel almost impossible.

Blame the bloke as usual.
Instead of sitting crying, use that time to get yourself organised.

But ‘we’ don't

you and other poor saps do, but not women as a whole

Some don’t settle for shit partners, take some personal responsibility

A couple of men a week kill themselves because they spend their time “getting organised” rather than crying. Do fuck off back to the 50’s

I havent read everything but picked up on that you have a cleaner and someone doing the laundry. Remove the fact that the kids are sick at the moment, when they are well and everything is normal, do you still feel like it's too much on you? What I'm picking up is maybe it's more about you feeling low/PND maybe? Things can then seem so overwhelming because you're feeling stuck in a rut, every day the same etc.

Is it actually the amount you do? Or could it moreso be the above explanation?

Oh stop being so dramatic.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I just want to reiterate that no body does my laundry. I send my husband's shirts off to be ironed. That's it, the rest of the laundry is my problem and I'm sure I don't need to tell any mums on here how much laundry I have, with a baby / toddler and husband.

My cleaner comes once a week, but she's not come for 6 weeks. She's very unreliable unfortunately, I need to find a new one.

I had a good routine before both kids got so sick and I was managing well. I was able to exercise every day, which gave me energy. I was also socialising with other mums at my gym etc. it was actually OK for a few months.

It was very bad when my baby was tiny. I was in a dark place. Then when he got to three months, I was able to carve out a tiny bit of time to myself. It helped me cope. Even though I was basically alone with the kids most of the time and responsible for everything, that hour or so, most days, really helped me.

I don't think I have PND. My situation is just a bit tricky. I've also just been sick with worry for the kids, as they've been ill.

It just felt like maybe there was more to it than the kids being sick, the title says "my kids are my problem"

**

Sorry, this is a little bit of an offshoot to the main point of the thread, but I wanted to pick up on what you were saying about CBT.

Often when GPs etc refer you for counselling it is 6 sessions max of CBT. 6 sessions is a very short period of time, and usually one of those sessions is spent contracting, so you really only have 5 sessions to properly work with. So when providing that type of counselling the focus is heavily on helping you function better, get more sleep, become less anxious etc.

It is totally different to private counselling where you have as many sessions as you need/want and all the time to explore your past, your values, the way you see the world, your relationships, core beliefs etc.

You can do more harm than good to open all of that up and try to explore and process it all in 5 hours or less.

I just wanted to explain, as I think some people believe that counselling doesn't work for them, but they're often talking about heavily time restrained CBT. I actually really like CBT, but I think it's most helpful when integrated with other modalities and when the client can organically move things in their own time, rather than be boxed in to 5/6 sessions.

Anyway. Sorry if that was a bit of a derail. I really feel for you. I do think your DH needs to be doing more.

Why the fuck did this useless father want children? Seriously OP, he does fuck all with them and has a face like a slapped arse when forced to, so why did he want them? Why does he think he gets to have children and then absolve himself of any responsibility to parent them just because he works? How does he think single mothers cope when they work?

I think I would hate him by now.

“He just looks si fed up when holding the baby or playing with the toddler. He needs a break too etc.”

I’d wager you look pretty fed up too. This just isn’t acceptable and it sounds like you’re being manipulated.

He's always trying to pawn the baby off to the next woman around.. it's so frustrating. If there's anyone else around to hand the baby too, he always tries. I don't think he really enjoys it at all. Very sad !

Often when I complain a lot, he will send his mother to help, rather than doing it himself. I think he prefers working the hours he does tbh. I think he thinks it's not man's work to deal with young kids and babies- his job is more when they're older. Today he was even sighing about what it's going to be like when they're older and how much effort it will be, having to take them out all the time etc. I know our life is hard at the moment, but come on !

He sounds absolutely dreadful and you need to urgently rethink the decision to move away from your family.

You need to move back.

He clearly doesn't want you, children or family life.

You need to protect yourself.
Start planning a move and get legal advice.

The only person who is going to improve your life, is you.

I feel very sorry for you.

I think this is why marriages often break down when the children are 7-9ish. The wife has got sick to the back teeth of selfish man child and realised he's never going to change.
Or he's changed a little bit as the kids have got older but she can't bear to be complicit in the rewriting of history which minimises just how fucking useless he was when she needed him most.
The kids are a bit easier, she's back at work and ready to build a better life without him.

But I know when I go back, it's still my problem to run the household and look after them, because my husband makes more than me.

Ha! No it isn't.

You are married, & share DC.
It's not about who earns the most money, it's about who puts in what amount of labour.

His working day - you describe this as 6am - 8.45pm - I take it that includes the commute, but does he actually spend all those hours working flat out or commuting? Or does he get time out, do stuff on the way home?

Because no wonder he's inert around the home if he's doing 15 hours x 5 = 75 hours labour a week. The difference is - his is scheduled, & he can presumably switch off from work mode for extensive periods, whereas ... you never do.

When you return to work, will he be able to slow down a bit, or is he a workaholic? If he's prioritising long hours over family life, you've got a more specific issue than generic social expectations of women's home lives to contend with.

CBT is a bit rubbish, but you might benefit from having an offload to someone once a week.

I hope any PP reading this who are considering CBT aren't put off by this.
It can have a tremendously good impact, but it's not a cure-all, & of course it was never going to help OP find more hours in her day, or convince her H that childcare is the responsibility of both parents.

I just kept thinking how I miss my mum and how I wish I was able to be around my mum and my family who really care for me and support me. I don't need to beg them to see me, they just want to see me and want to be there for me. We moved to be near in laws and they don't visit that often - and usually when I prompt to see them. So it makes me feel a bit like I have to beg. I don't expect them to take care of my kids, but even if they came and had dinner with us once a week or so- it would make me feel a lot less lonely. As it's always just me and the kids.
You also said that you can't visit them now as it would be stressful for them.
What about YOUR stress?
Can you ring your mum, tell her how much you miss her, what you are struggling with, & book a visit for next year? Something to look forward to ...

Why did you have to move away from YOUR family to be nearer to HIS family?

Often when I complain a lot, he will send his mother to help, rather than doing it himself. I think he prefers working the hours he does tbh. I think he thinks it's not man's work to deal with young kids and babies- his job is more when they're older. Today he was even sighing about what it's going to be like when they're older and how much effort it will be, having to take them out all the time etc. I know our life is hard at the moment, but come on !
And THIS is the man who pressured you having a second child, despite you wanting at that time to be 'one & done' ...

FFS why don't you divorce him & leave him to his true love - work?
You could move back closer to your own folks, have a support structure in place, focus on your own career & have regular breaks when your now-exH MiL takes care of the DC.

To be honest I don’t really remember my kids being a baby and 3. I have photos so I know we lived through it, but I don’t hugely recall the day to day. It is just hard work.

I was lucky (still am) in that DH is not useless. He has his moments of course, but he wasn’t working crazy hours at that time and he definitely had my back! I also had a great group of friends as a sahm so we could all vent about our lives and meet up at the park etc. That was hugely hugely helpful.

Weekends were for survival at that point, not DIY projects. We also started (before covid destroyed it) having a babysitter come for a few hours on a weekend afternoon occasionally once youngest was 1ish. Kids loved it and DH and I would go out for lunch or something. We also broke up the weekend so we each got a few hours child free to do whatever we wanted. And then also time to do jobs etc alone and then family time all together.

Your DH needs to rein back his working hours (if he can). This is just survival time and you are not coping!

You say your H is self employed- is he in a trade ( ie builder, plumber etc) or in an office type profession? Because to be honest like others I'm doubting those kind of hours if it's a trade and if it's more of a progression is there a logical reason for all those hours- is he exceptionally highly paid and dealing with multi time zones? Because like others I can't help but wonder if he doesn't like home much

youve cracked it here, op. He doesnt think parenting is his job. He doesnt think housework is his job. He doesnt think any of this is a man’s job.